Tag: funny bachelor recaps

After The Final Rose recap: “So Stupid.”

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If I were wearing a Bachelor mood ring right now, I’m guessing it would say I’m feeling very MEH. That’s a mood, right? I think the color is citron. MEH in the sense that I’m angry at Arie, I’m angry at Chris Harrison, and I’m angry at ABC.

So Chris Harrison stands here in front of an audience and says he’s still trying to process the finale, and I’m just so mad at him! Oh, you’re trying to process that super fucked up thing you did, where you tricked someone and aired it on TV? K. Take all the fucking time you need.

becca crying after the final rose

We kick things off by of course reliving the sinking ship that was this season, in particular Monday night’s finale when Arie proposed to Becca then ground her heart up into tiny particles so small that you can’t even see them with the naked eye.

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Bachelor Women Tell All recap: “A Buffet Of Glitter And Mic Drops”

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We’ve somehow made it to the highly anticipated Women Tell All episode, and let me tell you these women better spill the god damn TEA about each other, because this season has been super fucking boring so far and I’d like to feel the familiar tingle of some dark twisted bachelor dramz fresh off the press. (Longest sentence ever? Maybe!)

Also, why don’t I get invited to these Women Tell All thingys? I live in LA! They probably film it around the corner from my fucking house and yet I get no invitation. Is it because I called Arie a dweeb? Ugh, fine.

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The Bachelor recap: “What Did You Fly When You Flew?”’

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Guys, let me break down the scene in my living room. We’ve got regulars Ciara and Jordan. But today we’ve also got Katie, and Jordan’s boyfriend Charlie. We’ve got energy balls, which are depleting rapidly. We’ve got wine! We’ve got SHRMP MOTHERFUCKING COCKTAIL! So why all this pomp and circumstance, you ask? Because this episode is HOMETOWNZ, and last year around this time Rachel was visiting Dean’s dad, and Dean was just writhing around on the floor in a tiny ball while his father served everybody mung beans. It’s a fun episode, okay?! My watch party is big this week.

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The Bachelor recap: “I’m Falling In love With Falling In Love”

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You know what I said as soon as I pressed PLAY on my DVR last night? “Oh snap, we in Tuscany.” Yes, I’m known to be very observant. (Also, starving all the time.)

So the gal palz are in Italia and their first stop is Pisa, where Lauren B. immediately asks why the leaning tower of Pisa leans. Um, I bet there’s a fucking sign somewhere real close to where you’re standing that could answer that for ya. You know those museum plaques that are boring and have all the info? Check those.

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The Bachelor recap: “Krystal Lives In A Delusion”

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Before I can get to the real nitty gritty of tonight’s dry shampoo-fueled circus, let me start by giving a round of applause to BIP bartender/Sarah Hyland’s boyfriend Wells Adams for appearing in the Puppy Bowl yesterday. (I’m sure you ALL knew that already, since you of COURSE watch the Puppy Bowl every year.)

EH-KNEE-WAY, they’re in Paris and Arie may or may not have a hickey on his Adam’s apple. Well, his Arie’s apple.

arie hickey bachelor

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The Bachelor recap: “Yeah, But It’s Just Bowling”

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Guys, I’m going to be real with you because like Rachel Lindsay would say, I like to “keep it 100.” I missed last week’s recap because I was shooting a really cool project and was going to just recap last week’s here for you today along with the new one, but once you watch a new episode you’re kind of like, emotionally moved on from the previous one? So I’m not fucking recapping last week. Sowwy.

We kick off this week with the girls in Ft. Lauderdale, which Arie describes as, “one of the most beautiful places to fall in love.” Um, I can think of at least 50 places that are more beautiful to fall in love. Paris, Florence, New York, Miami, Berlin, Buenos Aires, Barcelona, Madrid, Tokyo, Costa Rica, Knoxville Tennessee, Savannah, Charleston, Amsterdam, Bali, Indonesia, New Zealand, Australia, Iceland, Machu Pichu, Telluride, Hawaii, Austin, Portugal, Bora Bora, Macau, Ibiza, Milan, Santorini, Cape Town, Istanbul, Rio de Janiero, Havana, Alaska, New Orleans, Maldives, Marrakesh, Rome, Kyoto, Chicago, Santa Barbara, Venice, Playa del Carmen, Oslo, Dubai, Cyprus, Holland, Prague, Bruges, and Gijón.

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The Bachelor recap: “You’re An Old Wrestler”

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Brosefs, I get it. This shit is a day late. But aren’t you like, happy to know that I have a real life outside of this and other work obligations? As you’re sitting there refreshing whoissamjarvis.com I bet you’re thinking to yourself, “Wow, I really wish the new recap was up right now, but I’m so proud of Sam for being busy with her other hilarious comedy projects, coming our way in 2018”??? No? K.

When we last left these chicks, Bibiana was still super madsies at Krystal and I’m here to tell you not much has changed in one week. But Chris Harrison shows up to the house to talk about the first group date, and it appears he’s taking a page out of a fictional book I just made up called Mr. Casual: Fashion For The Everyday Man.

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The Bachelor Premiere recap: “Please Tell Me You Don’t Have a Little Wiener”

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arie bachelor premiere

Well HAPPY FUCKIN’ NEW YEAR, kids!! I’ve missed you all a ton. (Sort of.)

I’m going to be totally honest with you guys, the mere thought of starting off 2018 with a freshie fresh season of The Bachelor is what pushed me through the end of 2017 and the accompanying massive head cold I’m suffering from that’s making everything I eat taste like oven-roasted cardboard.

When I first heard Arie was the next bachelor I was pret-ty bummed, mostly because I firmly believe you should never trust anyone with an added E in their name. Also because the last time he was on the show was 45 years ago and the only reason they picked him to do this was because they were in the 11th hour of negotiations with hot ass Peter Kraus when they realized, “Hey, didn’t that race car driver already fill out all the paperwork for this bullshit? Get him on a plane, he can be on Good Morning America in six hours!!” But I’m a sucker for even a dorky bachelor, so I guess I’m in.

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Bachelor in Paradise: “Who Has The Better Vagina?”

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Like a vibrator in need of a new set of batteries, I am starting to lose steam. It’s probably because two fucking episodes a week of this show is pure insanity and I don’t have the emotional stamina for it, OR it could be that I continue to make poor dietary choices and therefore spend half my time feeling tired and the other half wondering if I’m having a heart attack. Sigh.

But tonight’s episode was one only hour, so maybe I WILL get enough sleep and can be a high-functioning adult tomorrow! (I’d settle for a low-functioning adult at this point.)

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Bachelor in Paradise recap: “Scallop Fingers”

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GUYS, WHOA. WHOA. Let me just start by saying Welcome Back, Me!! I was gone for two weeks (living my god damn LIFE, okay?) and when I got back I said to myself, “Oh, joy! I have two episodes of Bachelor in Paradise to watch!” But y’all know where this is going. I curl up on the couch with my rosé (basic betch, party of one), pull up my DVR, and I MISSED FOUR FUCKING EPISODES OF THIS SHIT?!

Like seriously, ABC. Some of us have jobs and families and stuff. Laundry to do. Things to accomplish besides watching eight hours of beach garbage in the span of two weeks. That being said, mama was excited. And while I’m not going to recap all the episodes I missed, as promised I am here to deliver the ABRIDGED, VERY SPEEDY version before we move on.

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