Bachelor in Paradise recap: “Scallop Fingers”

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GUYS, WHOA. WHOA. Let me just start by saying Welcome Back, Me!! I was gone for two weeks (living my god damn LIFE, okay?) and when I got back I said to myself, “Oh, joy! I have two episodes of Bachelor in Paradise to watch!” But y’all know where this is going. I curl up on the couch with my rosé (basic betch, party of one), pull up my DVR, and I MISSED FOUR FUCKING EPISODES OF THIS SHIT?!

Like seriously, ABC. Some of us have jobs and families and stuff. Laundry to do. Things to accomplish besides watching eight hours of beach garbage in the span of two weeks. That being said, mama was excited. And while I’m not going to recap all the episodes I missed, as promised I am here to deliver the ABRIDGED, VERY SPEEDY version before we move on.

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December Birchbox

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I think I’m going to have to stop getting Birchbox. While a box of beauty surprises is oddly satisfying, after a year of getting them I now have eight thousand tiny samples of face masks and serums.

WHEN does one use a serum?? And I’m sure I’m supposed to be putting on face masks more often than I do (never).

In my mind I want to be that girl who skips around her apartment sipping rosé waiting for her mud mask to dry, her satin robe gliding off her newly dipped-in-lotion body. But the reality is I don’t wash my makeup off before bed. Yeah, I said it.

I guess the silver lining is that now my bathroom has a travel-size section, which is easily the best aisle of Walgreens anyway.