The Bachelor recap: “What Did You Fly When You Flew?”’

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Guys, let me break down the scene in my living room. We’ve got regulars Ciara and Jordan. But today we’ve also got Katie, and Jordan’s boyfriend Charlie. We’ve got energy balls, which are depleting rapidly. We’ve got wine! We’ve got SHRMP MOTHERFUCKING COCKTAIL! So why all this pomp and circumstance, you ask? Because this episode is HOMETOWNZ, and last year around this time Rachel was visiting Dean’s dad, and Dean was just writhing around on the floor in a tiny ball while his father served everybody mung beans. It’s a fun episode, okay?! My watch party is big this week.

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The Bachelorette recap: “What Does He Want Me To Call Him?”

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Welp, my house is filled to the rafters with zucchini noodles, so you know what that means: HOMETOWNS!! Guys, we’re down to the final four and if you aren’t stuffing your face with spiralized squash and Paul Newman’s Sockarooni sauce, ya ain’t doin’ hometowns right!!

Eric’s up first so Rachel is in Balitmore, and is Eric maybe attractive now? He isn’t in a suit that’s twelve sizes too large on him, so now it looks like he mysteriously grew 2 feet.

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The Bachelorette recap: “Challenging, Not Difficult”

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If I’m keeping it 100 right now, I literally cannot remember where these fucks are on a globe.

Norway? Denmark? It’s a been a pret-ty boozey two weeks since I last checked in with these noodles, so if I get any immediate details wrong please remember that I drank an entire bottle of champagne whilst floating around in a pool yesterday covered in SPF 50 from head to motherfucking toe, so I’m a lil cloudy.

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The Bachelor recap: “I’ll Hate You If You Break Her Heart”

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GUYS!! HOMETOWNS!! Let me start by saying that the thought of my parents sitting in a bachelor confessional talking about the love I have for a person I have known for six weeks is HIGHLY SUSPECT, but I love me a good fucking hometown so LET US BEGIN.

We left off in Bimini with Christina’s ass being sent home. The girls are all shook as hell, and when Nick comes to talk to them about what’s happening, Corinne literally can’t even.

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The Bachelorette Recap: “The Spicy Child”

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I hope Jojo’s got a power bar hidden in her sweet tits, because girl is going to need ENERGY for these hometowns.

We start in Colorado with Chase, because Chase is boring so we need to get it out of the way. They drink hot cocoa on a blanket and this view is probably the most interesting thing about him so far all season. (“Thanks, mountains!” -Chase)

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He tells her that his parents got divorced and that she’ll have to meet them separately because shit kind of hit the fan, and in response Jojo asks if the divorce was bad. Umm, yeah, Jojo. It was. That’s why you’re meeting them separately.

They chill with his dad, and we immediately learn that Chase’s house doesn’t have banisters.

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I mean, that is not safe. My boozey ass would be spread eagle with a sprained ankle in NO TIME.

Jojo meets his mom, who is serving up former beauty queen/suburban MILF realness:

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Because of divorce pain, Chase and his siblings can’t say I love you and they start a debate about how it’s just a word but it’s also MORE than a word. Honestly it’s a fucking downer.

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Can’t we just reminisce about your weird sex yoga date and keep it moving??

In Aaron Rodger’s brother’s hometown, Jojo is on crack. Girl is SO excited that she scares all the deer in the area, which in turn scare her as they run scared. Now I’m scared.

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They go to his high school and he pushes Jojo up against ANOTHER WALL to make out with her. He is literally obsessed with making out against walls. They kiss surrounded by YA novels and what I assume is at least one copy of It’s Perfectly Normal.

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Jojo asks why nobody in his family talks to Aaron and he tells her that it doesn’t need to be a topic, which is bro code for can it, bitch.

At his parents house, ol’ Darla tells Jojo that Jordan is her Spicy Child and as she’s listing off adorably diabolical things he did as a youngster his father whispers, “He kicked his teacher,” so to answer your question YES, everything is totally fine and normal at the Rodgers house.

Jojo can’t take it any longer, she is going to bring up Aaron because he’s kiiiind of the reason this feather-haired motherfucker made it on the show, ya know? Here’s how his other brother handles the mention of He Who Shall Not Be Named:

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They’re all hurt about it and now Jojo’s hurt about it. She defends her man by saying, “He is NOBODY’S BROTHER,” which is sweet but factually inaccurate.

At the end of the night she tells him that she’s crazy about him but also doesn’t believe that he wants to be with her forever. It’s his hair, guys. It just screams, “I FUCK A TON OF GIRLS.”

On Robby’s date he only has the bottom button done and it is freaking me out.

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His best case scenario for today is that she tells him she loves him and I hear myself say to the television, “Not gonna happen.” Lofty dreams, you nautical sonofabitch.

They hang out in this historical Floridian town where apparently everyone dresses like pirates.

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Fine, it is POSSIBLE they are in colonial garb.

Jojo grills him about his ex-girlfriend (you know, the one he dumped four days ago) and he assures her that it’s over, it’s done, he hasn’t thought about her ONCE. That is what we industry people like to call an oversell. You haven’t thought about her once? You are a fucking liar.

But it’s time to meet his parents! So they up and leave full drinks on the table. Who leaves FULL drinks?? What are you, a god damn billionaire? It is honestly alarming to order a drink and leave so much of it there.

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Robby describes to his parents how close they were to fireworks on their date by saying, “Literally ashes falling in our eyes,” which sounds like my nightmare.

His mom then sits him down and tells him that there are rumors circulating the great US of A that Robby dumped his girlfriend Hope to be on the show. Ooooo, juicy!! If they pull out a second InTouch weekly of the season, I will die.

Now he’s gotta explain this shit to Jojo. Great. He says all the drama is just a flash in the pan and people are stirring things up, so now I’m thinking he’s not only communicating with the woman he loves but is also pitching a new show, Cooking Up Drama with Robby Hayes. I am positive the next thing out of his mouth will be, “Don’t bay leaf her. She belongs in the garbage disposal, you’re the Le Creuset of my heart.”

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It’s time for her date with bowlegged Luke, and I just want to point out that he is bowlegged because as a child his bones literally grew around a horse’s body. That’s a real thing that happens to cowboys and it is blowing this city girl’s DOME RIGHT NOW.

Jojo thinks Luke’s silent confidence is a panty dropper and I’m not gonna argue with her. Sure, his face has some weird angles but I’m taking his quiet ass over Robby and his god damn boat shoes ANY DAY. (I’m sorry, Robby. I’m not sure why I hate you so much.)

She shows up to meet Luke’s family and he has neglected to mention that they scheduled this shindig on the same weekend as his family reunion.

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LOOK HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE THERE. What the WHAT. But joke’s on me, everyone in Luke’s life is lovely and his parent’s 38-year marriage is a shining beacon of hope for us all (“Don’t say the word Hope!!” –Robby).

After she meets everybody they sit on a couch made out of hay.

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I mean, that is ridiculous. It is absolutely insane to construct a hay couch with actual throw pillows on it.

Anyway he brings her to this… set up? How do you describe this?

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The whole point is for him to say I love you and he says other things but not THE thing. She has his heart, okay? Isn’t that enough? (Spoiler alert: it’s not.) I’m watching them walk towards her car and if he doesn’t say I love you I’m going to break my TV, which is actually a projector so I would technically be breaking the drywall of my apartment.

The rose ceremony is on a tarmac that has been decorated with various old-timey boxes, and I really do wonder what the budget is on a show like this. How many flameless candles can you expense? Do they file receipts into a folder labeled rustic odds ‘n’ ends?

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The four of them stand like mannequins fresh off the assembly line, and Jojo tells the producers that she needs to say goodbye to Luke. Um, exsqueeze me? I am so ready for M. Night Shyamalan to pop out of one of those decorative boxes like, “GOT YA AGAIN, SUCKAZ!! TWIST!”

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Luke asks to talk to her and finally says he loves her. Ya know, the thing he forgot to say before.

Now girl is like, stressed. She walks down the tarmac (please don’t get your head chopped off by a landing plane, babe), and she’s having a full blown panic attack in a beautiful blue dress. And of course, it is To Be Continued…

We’ll find out next week if Jojo takes a shit on the tarmac. That’s what’s happening here, right?

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Tune in next Monday for a TWO NIGHT EVENT™, where Chase’s ass get dumped and we sit down for the Men Tell All! Is Chad going to threaten Derek? Will Evan get a random nose bleed? How’s Wells been holding up? Can’t wait.

Read last week’s recap here. Or others here

You can also follow me Twitter, oh em gee!!

BONUS PIC: Luke’s grandfather. Please love and cherish him as I do. Thank you.

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The Bachelor Recap: “I Hope It’s Not All About Flying Kites Today.”

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You know when your boyfriend is all excited to show you his hometown, but then it turns out he drives a pontoon boat everywhere? Ya.

That’s right, y’all. We’re in Warsaw, Indiana, which is only about 26 times bigger than Chris Soules’ tiny shit town. Remember that nonsense? “This used to be a bar, this used to be the post office.” It was like fuck, Chris. This place is the WORST.

Ben greets the girls by rollin’ up in that fucking pontoon boat and every time I see it I giggle. These are the type of girls who would call their parents and be like, “Mom! He has a BOAT!” and forget to mention that its max speed is like, 3 miles per hour.

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Lauren B. gets the first date card, and they go to a community center to play with kids. It’s cute, her ovaries are screaming HOLY SHIT BEN WILL BE A GREAT DAD, and then we meet Ronnie the Motherfucking Half Court King. He is DRAINING shots and it’s like paging Hollywood, somebody get this kid a reality show.

Ben and Lauren clear their shit up, and it looks like it’s gonna be smooth sailing for these cuties.

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JoJo gets the second date, and I can’t stop staring at her ass. She has SUCH a good ass. Girl, you been doing squats or some shit? My abs are sore from 30 crunches yesterday, if you’d like to know how my workout regimen is going.

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The two of them spend the day in Chicago and I honestly cannot think of a more perfect place in the entire world. Just shits all over Warsaw. Sure, I’m from Chicago and think it’s the best city ever, but that does not mean I’m biased even though I 100% am.

They go to Wrigley Field and Ben says he is a Cubs fan no fewer than 45 times. He REALLY LOVES THE CUBS and I know my besties from home are beaming with joy about the fact that all he wants to do in life is fly the W. (Hi Ash, Hi Nat!)

They lie down on the grass (not lay, don’t even fucking try me), and it is so beautiful. Eat shit, Fault In Our Stars poster, this is how you chill on some grass.

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Seriously could this date get any more LOVELY???

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Ben is falling for JoJo. He says so. And then he says SO MANY MORE WORDS. He goes on and on and on about feelings and thoughts and love and girl is basically like:

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It’s here that I realize JoJo is 24 years old. 24!!! This bitch that, in my mind, I want to be like when I grow up, is younger than me. Life really is sad, isn’t it? Wow.

Back at what I’m guessing is an Airbnb the girls get the 3-on-1 date card and Emily’s name isn’t called, which means she gets the final one on one. She is not at all excited about it.

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She thinks she still has a shot in this, and suddenly I hear my boyfriend’s voice asking, “Has he kissed the twin yet?” which startles me because I am so engrossed in the television that I hadn’t even noticed he sat down next to me and for a second I’m thinking holy shit, my throw pillows really HAVE been watching TV with me!! I knew it!

On the 3-on-1 date Caila, Becca and Amanda fly kites with Ben and I bet they’re wondering where all the fun helicopter dates went. It honestly looks like they’re shooting the cover of a self-help book over here.

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Becca is unraveling slowly but surely, although it’s hard to tell because she hasn’t made a single facial expression since the dawn of time. Also Caila and Ben talk, and Caila has SUCH GOOD HAIR. What is she, not drinking every night or something? Geez.

She moved 17 times before college, which in my book is about 17 times too many. If my parents tried to move I would stand in front of my fucking house and not let them do it, like George Banks when Eugene Levy tried to demolish his home in Father of the Bride Part Two. The point is, Caila pictures herself as moss.

Amanda gets the group rose, because obvi he has to validate that he wants to meet her kids. The other girls are muy triste about it. Becca has a family too, guys!

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Although let’s be real if you’re going to be sad, this is a good place to be sad in:

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Pret-ty nice.

Amanda gets more one on one time because she got the rose, so naturally they go to McDonalds because the ABC execs want me to pretend I don’t remember that weird fucking commercial Ben did three weeks ago. We get it, The Bachelor is sponsored by McDonalds. You don’t have to beat me over the god damn head with it by repeating the word McMuffin until my ears bleed. Amanda is probably going, “Can I talk about my feelings, or do I have to say breakfast all day again?”

However not gonna lie, this is my perfect date.

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(Those fries really are made out of pure crack cocaine. They must be, right? Who’s regulating that shit??)

Next they go to a carnival, where he tries to kiss her on a carousel. It is very awkward because you know, the horses keep going up and down. Classic carousel behavior.

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The next day Lauren B. sits with Amanda and goes, “You came home so happy. Tell me about it,” which is NOT what I would say to some betch who’s dating the same guy as me. I think it would go more like, “Hm, your coffee tastes weird? That is so odd. Oh hey, can somebody put the Drano back on the top shelf? Thanks!!!!!” (Haha get it?! Murder.)

It’s time for Emily’s date, and I know her days are numbered. And by days I mean day. This is definitely her final day.

She meets his parents and has a severe case of word vomit, where she pukes up maybe every word she’s ever learned, including “Denver Broncos cheerleader,” which is what every man’s mother wants to hear is the career goal of her future daughter-in-law. She also admits that she is average at everything and it’s like girl, keep that to yourself!

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Ben’s mom cries. That is how much she hates Emily. Emily however, thinks “this is just the beginning.” She is of course mistakenly referring to the beginning of their love story and not the beginning of her long ass travel day flying back to Vegas.

Ben sits her down and dumps her ass and she is basically like damn, Gina. She MET HIS PARENTS and here she is, dropped on her head like so many of my friends when they were babies.

Everyone is upset about her departure. I mean, they are ALL crying. Are they cycle sisters, or what? (I am not above a period joke. I’m probably BELOW a period joke at this point.)

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The rose ceremony looks fucking freezing, and Ben doesn’t know what to do because he pictures himself falling in love with five girls, which is HILARIOUS. Anyway he sends Becca home and she is pissed, okay? Pissed.

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She told that mother fucker not to blindside her and here he goes, blindsiding her even though she kind of knew it was coming?

Next week is hometowns!!!! Do we think Ben can handle Amanda’s screaming children? Will Caila’s home without roots be enough?? I don’t know. I just don’t know.

Check out more of my recaps here.

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