You know what I said as soon as I pressed PLAY on my DVR last night? “Oh snap, we in Tuscany.” Yes, I’m known to be very observant. (Also, starving all the time.)
So the gal palz are in Italia and their first stop is Pisa, where Lauren B. immediately asks why the leaning tower of Pisa leans. Um, I bet there’s a fucking sign somewhere real close to where you’re standing that could answer that for ya. You know those museum plaques that are boring and have all the info? Check those.
Guys, I’m going to be real with you because like Rachel Lindsay would say, I like to “keep it 100.” I missed last week’s recap because I was shooting a really cool project and was going to just recap last week’s here for you today along with the new one, but once you watch a new episode you’re kind of like, emotionally moved on from the previous one? So I’m not fucking recapping last week. Sowwy.
We kick off this week with the girls in Ft. Lauderdale, which Arie describes as, “one of the most beautiful places to fall in love.” Um, I can think of at least 50 places that are more beautiful to fall in love. Paris, Florence, New York, Miami, Berlin, Buenos Aires, Barcelona, Madrid, Tokyo, Costa Rica, Knoxville Tennessee, Savannah, Charleston, Amsterdam, Bali, Indonesia, New Zealand, Australia, Iceland, Machu Pichu, Telluride, Hawaii, Austin, Portugal, Bora Bora, Macau, Ibiza, Milan, Santorini, Cape Town, Istanbul, Rio de Janiero, Havana, Alaska, New Orleans, Maldives, Marrakesh, Rome, Kyoto, Chicago, Santa Barbara, Venice, Playa del Carmen, Oslo, Dubai, Cyprus, Holland, Prague, Bruges, and Gijón.
Brosefs, I get it. This shit is a day late. But aren’t you like, happy to know that I have a real life outside of this and other work obligations? As you’re sitting there refreshing whoissamjarvis.com I bet you’re thinking to yourself, “Wow, I really wish the new recap was up right now, but I’m so proud of Sam for being busy with her other hilarious comedy projects, coming our way in 2018”??? No? K.
When we last left these chicks, Bibiana was still super madsies at Krystal and I’m here to tell you not much has changed in one week. But Chris Harrison shows up to the house to talk about the first group date, and it appears he’s taking a page out of a fictional book I just made up called Mr. Casual: Fashion For The Everyday Man.
When was the last episode of The Bachelorette, 9 years ago? I suppose it feels like forever because all time is now measured in pre-Bachelor in Paradise shut down, and post-Bachelor in Paradise shut down.
Last we left off, creepy Eric was fucking pissed as shit at Lee, the cackling maniacal cabinet elf who pushes more buttons than a god damn astronaut. (And ya, I’m pret-ty sure astronauts push a lot of buttons.)
Boy, time flies when you’re just trying to get through each tiring, torturous day, doesn’t it? I’m kidding. (Am I?)
Last we left these noodles, DeMario was AT the mansion. He needed to talk to Rachel, and he needed to talk to her BAD!!!! So she walks up and he shakes her hand, which is both awkward and terrible.
DeMario comes clean about not being honest with her at the basketball court, and after a long ass conversation with his Uber driver (who I’m sure moments later deleted his app, burned his phone, put the ashes into an urn, flew them to the Serengeti and scattered them over a pile of giraffe shit), DeMario has realized he really fucked himself and his shot at love with Rachel.
Did you guys spend your Memorial Day poolside?! I went to Target.
It’s week two on the Bachelorette calendar, so we are officially IN IT! They immediately show Copper the dog STILL in a leg cast, and I’m pretty concerned/wondering when he is going to get it off. What if it’s like a human cast and he has to have it for twelve weeks and it’s the SAME twelve weeks as the show?? Ugh. I hope he isn’t in pain.
A.N.Y.W.A.Y. Chris Harrison hands them their first date card, but also says he hopes everybody is here for the right reasons, because if some people aren’t he doesn’t get paid as much. (That might not be correct.) Seems AWFULLY SUSPICIOUS that Chris says that out of the god damn blue. Makes me think someone ISN’T here for the right reasons DUN DUN DUNNN!!
Let me take a second to say how proud I am of all the badass bitches who marched this last weekend. I would tongue kiss you all if I could. I love you. And what better way to celebrate feminism than to go fucking IN on Corinne at this pool party, amiright?!
Everybody is still freaking out about the whole straddle situation, to the point where I’m pretty sure “bouncy house” has turned into 85% of these girls’ trigger word. (None of them will ever be able to go to a child’s birthday without sweating profusely and/or bursting into tears.)
Welp, night one of two started like any days-long rager: sloppy and full of regret!
Everybody is in a MOOD that Chad’s still here, except the villain himself, who gleefully counts calories and scoops protein powder like his life depends on it (maybe it does, I’m no physician).
Some rando named Chase gets the first one-on-one and they go to a yoga studio where they are immediately asked how long they’ve been intimate for. Bleh, cringe. They learn how to ANGER-GASM, which sounds an awful lot like what happens when you have sex with your ex-boyfriend.
Meanwhile Chad and Canadian Daniel are slowly turning the Bachelor Mansion into a god damn Equinox.
Look at these fools! Guys you’re like, sweating all over some very nice ottomans.
Chase gets a rose, and it’s time for the classic Bachelor Private Country Concert With A Singer I’ve Never Heard Of. Where the fuck is Rihanna when you need her?! I’m not making out with anybody unless Bitch Better Have My Money is blasting through the speakers.
The rest of the boyz get a group date card that reads like Schindler’s List. There are like, a thousand names on it and Chad’s pouty ass doesn’t want to go. He doesn’t feel like going on a date with 12 other wangs, okay? Everyone is VERY, DEEPLY offended by this and are not afraid to let him know. (They should be afraid.)
Chad CLAPS BACK by telling Aaron Roger’s brother that he is a 27-year-old failed football player, which is GREAT and completely accurate. He then asks the entire group if they want to fight him before ABC gracefully cuts to a Bachelor-themed Reddi-Whip commercial. Am I more stoned than I realized? None of this is making sense.
On the group date they walk into a theater where a woman is on stage faking an orgasm. They are all horrified.
Vinny “has no idea what she’s doing” and has “never heard anything like that” which does NOT bode well for him.
Turns out they’re going to tell funny sex stories to the audience. Instead of writing his, Canadian Daniel is hard at work on his stick drawing:
Apparently he is illiterate.
In a SHOCKING turn of events, Chad is not being a good sport about the sex story thing. He doesn’t want to talk about his sex life, I assume because he is absolute garbage at it.
Daniel’s up and goes, “She’s tied up at this point… I always carry a knife on me when I’m traveling… Let me chop a piece of her hair off.” GREAT FUCKING STORY, YOU MANIAC. Jesus Christ. If there was a trap door at his feet I am positive Jojo would press a button that’d make him fall into a secret pit and get eaten by a two-headed dragon. (“Wow, what a fun and colorful visual!” -You guys, to me)
Evan plans to make fun of Chad during his sex story, which to me means they boned at the mansion and Evan is about to spill the TEA on Chad’s performance issues. Turns out I’m wrong, and instead he tells the whole audience that Chad does steroids.
I am, at this point, scared for Evan’s life. Chad promptly rips Evan’s shirt when he goes to sit down and Evan is SHOCKED! I am the complete opposite of shocked.
It’s Chad’s turn and he says some bullshit about how the past isn’t important, it’s about the future. He tries to kiss Jojo and gets fucking REJECTED, which is hilarious and beautiful. Did I mention he gets booed? He gets booed.
Backstage he punches the absolute fuck out of a metal door and tells Evan that he’s going to die and you know what? I believe him. Evan is suddenly a HUGE PUSSY and is all like “Hey man, it was all in good fun” even though it was NOT in good fun.
At the cocktail party Chad explains to Jojo that he wasn’t at all mad about the steroids (HA). He was just mad at Evan for walking past him! Ah, yes. It’s all coming together now.
Evan continues to play with fire by puffing up his chest and asking Chad why he’s here. Like a flaccid dick tryna get up in them guts, Evan keeps pushing and pushing.
Evan then gives Jojo an ultimatum. He can’t be in the house with Chad, so either he’s going or Chad’s going. UGH, get a life, Evan!! She gives him a rose and I hear myself say, “Ew” without even realizing it.
She puts the rose in the middle of his fucking shirt and it makes him look like a loser.
“Not on my super cool leather jacket!!” -Evan, trying to win Jojo’s heart.
Chad sees the rose and is like, “Is this real? Is this the real scenario?” I am dying. Dead. Bury me underground. Also is this cocktail party in a terra cotta pottery store?
They’ve now hired a security guard to watch Chad because shit could pop off at ANY. SECOND. Apparently they’ve also secured his perimeter with the handles of all of their suitcases.
James T. gets the last one-on-one date and they learn how to swing dance. Highlights include James shouting, “Smooth!” every five seconds and a woman in her 90s talking about the good ol’ days. It’s all very G-rated and I’m gettin’ the yawns.
Meanwhile Chad eats a sweet potato like a banana and talks to Canadian Daniel.
Daniel tries to explain that Chad is the Hitler of the house, and basically Daniel can’t hang around him any more because then the other guys won’t like him. Chad pretends to listen while continuing to eat his farmer’s market finds.
On James’ date, Jojo is trying to decide if there is romantic chemistry between them, aka does she want to fuck him. He sings to her and she cries AGAIN. James is like, constantly making her cry. He gets a rose.
The next day Chris Harrison and his pink linen show up to explain DUN DUN DUNNNN there will be no cocktail party tonight, and instead Jojo is coming over for a pool party.
They’re all immediately drooling at the thought of her in a bikini except Chad, who obviously doesn’t need to see her in a bikini because, “I know what she probably looks like, I can tell through her dress.” Hey when you’re right, you’re right.
Now I’m pumped, because the pool party is what makes this a dramatic, two-part event.™
Chad wants to rip everybody’s limbs off so I assume that tonight he will, ya know, rip everybody’s limbs off? Here’s to hoping!!
Read last week’s recap here.
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Look I’m going to be honest, I really shit the bed on this one. My rosé drunk, long-weekend ass didn’t realize this shit wasn’t recording until 8:09, so we’re gonna have to jump right into the action. My bad, y’all. My bad.
I turn on the TV in sheer panic/blind rage, only to find Chad the Villain lifting a DIY luggage weight belt like some kind of deranged lunatic who’s been held in administrative segregation too long. (You guys watch Lockup? You should. It’s great.)
Also a bunch of bros are on a group date at a fire station, including Grant the actual fire fighter. No pressure, dude, but if you fuck this up you’re going to be the laughing stock of your entire station. Even the Dalmatian I assume every fire department has is going to be chuckling his spotted doggy face off.
Wells is on the date and he is like, NOT equipped to be a fire fighter. He looks like he should be sipping Perrier on a fucking sailboat, not running through actual flames to save lives. Or as he describes himself, “I’m so much not like everyone else here.”
Gorgeous sentence. He should be a writer.
Wells is suddenly paler than Emma Stone’s upper thigh so I know he’s about to faint. Jojo comes to his aid and now everyone wishes THEY were about to faint. Guys, calm down. Do you really think she wants to fuck a guy who gets light headed after five minutes in a slightly heavy jacket? Negative.
Back at the mansion the rest of the guys write a song about Jojo called, wait for it, Jojo. Sounds like a hit, get Rihanna on the hook and send that shit to Seacrest.
They’re also hanging out in a kitchen that has so much god damn food I am FREAKING. OUT. Look at all this produce!!
I mean, my God. How many bell peppers can twenty men need? If you’re a Borrower (a tiny human living in the walls of a house, duh), this is the kitchen you wanna be in.
On the group date it’s down to Grant the fire fighter and Luke the cowboy, in an epic race to save Jojo from a burning building to win more time with her. Obviously Grant is going to crush it because if he doesn’t he will probably leap off the building. But Luke, I gotta say, is a big ol’ bag of yum in the process.
Even after Grant wins, Fainty Wells gets the rose. But you know what he doesn’t get? A kiss because LIKE I SAID, there is nothing sexy about weakness and girl is all about the two men who made it to the final challenge like god damn men.
It’s time for her one-on-one date with Derek, and all the dudes are forced to watch them leave in what must be the most emasculating send off of their lives.
“Bye Jojo, have fun! Bye Derek, hope you fall off a cliff and break every bone in your body!”
Their date is going to be all about CHOICES, and of course the first thing they do is get on a prop plane. Hi, remember me, Sam Jarvis? The hilarious bitch who HATES PROP PLANES??
Like, no. NO. No. Here’s a choice: go fuck yourself. I’m never getting on a prop plane.
Back at the house, Canadian Daniel and Chad the Villain are having a very important meeting for their Black Tank Top Club.
Chad thinks everyone is an ingenuine piece of shit, which he explains with the most confusing, absurd protein shake analogy I’ve ever heard in my entire life. Yo, what the FUCK are you talking about? It’s here I realize that Chad is a muscle-obsessed douchenoodle. At first I thought he was just your average bad boy with a chiseled jaw, but the second I piece together luggage weight belts and protein shake analogies it’s like fuck, I am OUT.
On their one-on-one Derek gets choked up talking about his last relationship, which ended three years ago. Dude is like, straight up crying and I immediately think he’s about to say that his high school sweetheart was crushed to death in a tractor accident. Nope, she just cheated on him. Um, yawn. Big fuckin’ deal! Why don’t you cry about it OH WAIT YOU ALREADY ARE.
On the second group date they go to ESPN and play a little game called BachelorNation. I personally wish they’d gone to ESPN Zone for some pop-a-shot, but you can’t win them all. They have to do touchdown dances, someone refers to Jojo as “merchandise,” and everybody has to fake propose to her. Basically, shit is awkward as FUCK.
Chad knows it’s awkward as fuck, and won’t tell her why he loves her because spoiler alert, he doesn’t love her. Girl just wants to hear some good qualities about herself and he promptly calls her NAGGY. Audible gasps. Everyone: outraged. You’d think he just called her a cunt by how flabbergasted they are.
Chad’s in the hot seat and explains that he was just being honest. And you know what? Jojo’s bad boy lovin’ ass buys that shit faster than a pair of espadrilles at Saks Off Fifth.
Back in what I assume is the room from Top Chef where they wait to hear who got kicked off because they over salted their pork loin, Chad is starting to unravel.
He doesn’t get why everyone is obsessed with her and is like, “Is this the first pretty girl y’all have seen?” Chad’s fucked some hot pieces, okay? Don’t get it twisted.
They leave ESPN and go to another cocktail party, where James T. explains to Jojo that although he is not named Abs McGee, he does have a love poem to read her. She CRIES and I have to give it to him, shit was pretty adorable.
More importantly Alex picks the WRONG CHAIR TO SIT IN.
Some Bachelor producer must be real fucking proud of themselves for this shit. They stood in a fancy ass production meeting like, “And we’ll have the short guy sit in this humongous chair!” Raise, benefits, matching 401k for that genius.
Chad is missing at the start of the rose ceremony and of course he’s just sittin’ on the steps of the mansion, whiskey in hand, waiting for Jojo like the start of some weird stalker movie.
What was the one with Mark Wahlberg where he fingers Reese Witherspoon on a roller coaster and then kills her dog? Fear? It’s like that, kind of.
All the bros are pissed about it and DEMAND. AN EXPLANATION. Chad’s all, I went out to get some air and they’re all, well did you see Jojo? And he’s all yeah I did I said ‘sup and they’re all well what ELSE did you say? It is the dumbest exchange I’ve ever seen and every single one of these guys could benefit from taking a fucking Xanax.
And now for a segment I like to call Chad and His Meats. Chad eats tons and tons of deli meat during this party and I am suddenly starting to think it is possible that Chad is my soulmate.
Maybe that’s really all I need in life and it doesn’t matter if my partner is a complete psycho with serious anger issues, so long as I have someone to sit and eat honey maple turkey with, you know? Things to think about.
In reality Chad is eating all of this meat so he can beef up (LOL) for the big fight he’s about to get in. He explains to BFF Canadian Daniel that everyone here is a pussy to which Daniel responds, “a gang, ey?” Jesus Christ. (“Could he BE any more Canadian?” –Chandler Bing)
Chad keeps cutting into everyone’s time with Jojo and Alex is OVER IT and somehow thinks he can take him. He wants to punch him in the face, which is hilarious because if he swung for Chad’s face I think his fist would land somewhere mid-chest. Chad is 6’4’’, buddy. That is one tall drink of toxic water and he will pound your face in.
Chad gets up in Alex’s grill and goes, “Keep it up and you’re going to lose your teeth.” I am now rubbing my hands together and chuckling, gleefully sipping my vanilla milkshake as I turn up the volume on my TV. Now we’re getting into it!!
Chad gets the final rose and everybody is shocked, JUST SHOCKED, even though he has the best body in the house so really they should be the exact opposite of shocked.
Next week Chad beats the fuck out of somebody, I think. Tune in!
Also, here’s Christian’s dick:
Read last week’s recap here.
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