Bachelor in Paradise: “Who Has The Better Vagina?”

twins scallop fingers haley emily.JPG

Like a vibrator in need of a new set of batteries, I am starting to lose steam. It’s probably because two fucking episodes a week of this show is pure insanity and I don’t have the emotional stamina for it, OR it could be that I continue to make poor dietary choices and therefore spend half my time feeling tired and the other half wondering if I’m having a heart attack. Sigh.

But tonight’s episode was one only hour, so maybe I WILL get enough sleep and can be a high-functioning adult tomorrow! (I’d settle for a low-functioning adult at this point.)

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Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “He’s Skinny But He’s Cute”

ashley wells date bachelor in paradise

I want you guys to know that I’m at my parents house this week, and instead of spending precious time with the people who birthed and raised and supported me, here I sit on the living room floor drinking rosé and watching what appears to be week 40 million of this thing. That’s how much I love you guys. (And this entire beautiful franchise.)

Like every episode this season, we left off with Ashley crying about Jared.

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Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Josh Has A Steady Diet Of Amanda’s Tongue”

amanda josh make out bachelor in paradise

I’m gonna be honest with you noodles, the relief I felt when I saw that Tuesday nights are going to be hour-long episodes instead of two is FOR REAL. Like yes, my goofy ass eats this shit up but at some point you gotta give a bitch a break. I need some SPACE, Bachelor in Paradise.

So Josh and Amanda are still making out all over the place, I assume only taking breaks when one of them misses their own reflection in a mirror and needs to go visit themselves for a bit.

Nick is salty as hell about it, but basically it’s distracting for everyone.

everybody watching

Christian shows up and Josh immediately tells him that he and Amanda have a connection so he can fuck off with any notion he had about dating her. Please picture me giving a HUGE EYE ROLL. Here is Josh’s stupid face as he says that stupid shit:

josh asshole bachelor in paradise

Get. Over. Yourself.

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Bachelor In Paradise Recap: “An Eagle Doesn’t Settle For A Pigeon”

canadian daniel swimsuit

Look I’m going to be honest, by the time I pressed play on my DVR I was already a little emotionally Bachelor-ed out this week. But the second they rolled out their campy-ass intros I suddenly felt… Excited. Alive. Fucking PUMPED, for some fucking PARADISE.

evan bachelor in paradise banana introdaniel syrup bachelor in paradise introchris harrison and jorge

Chris Harrison starts us off with some really weird poetic analogies about how “the sea is as salty as the tears of the broken hearted” and I’m immediately 100% sold on this entire season.

Also, the twins are here!

twins vagina bachelor in paradise

Lovely. Since we last saw everybody Jubilee has learned that she has resting bitch face (great call), Nick has nicknamed himself “The Runner Up,” and most importantly Evan kept THE SHIRT.

evan ripped shirt bachelor in paradise

He buys a new one, and my boyfriend laughs out loud when Evan asks to try on a medium.

Back in Mexico, Canadian Daniel compares himself to herpes, because why the fuck not. Every single thing that comes out of his mouth is a catch phrase that should be printed on a mug. He loves rating girls AND comparing them to fruits, which in my mind means he has a very specific ranking system for his produce (Apples are 4’s, Kiwis are 9’s).

He talks to one of the twins and the other twin’s only commentary on the matter is, “Oh God, he’s high-fiving her,” which should honestly be the name of a self-help book on dating.

Daniel over-guesses Izzy’s age (“Who?” –All of us), and she doesn’t take it well, but I’m too entranced by how badly Jubilee wants to fuck Jared to give a shit. I am not personally on the Jared train, but Jubilee is tryna get all up in them guts.

jubilee panting bachelor in paradise

A parrot suddenly warns us of danger!! Which means Chad is en route. Like, somebody in a writer’s room actually sat there and was like, “We will simulate an earthquake and/or a Godzilla encounter by showing close-ups of water glasses shaking, a parrot will give a distress call, and then Chad will walk into Paradise.” And other people in that room were like, “Great! Yes. Good.”

parrot danger bachelor in paradiseevan chad bachelor in paradise

Anyway so Chad arrives and Evan immediately starts rifling through Chad’s luggage, because Evan has an actual death wish and has put no value on his life.

Chad and Lace hit it off for I assume the same reason that the polar ice caps are melting, which is that there is no God and this whole world is just one big blob of fuckery.

lace chad makeout bachelor in paradise

The problem is they’re making out a lot but are also like, hitting each other? They’ve drank too much, guys. TOO MUCH.

They keep slapping each other and calling each other like dogs, I think because they’re both trying to establish some sort of shit-faced dominance in their 12-minute long relationship and I just don’t see this working out long term.

lace chad fight bachelor in paradisecover chads mouth

Jubilee asks Jared to go on a piñata date, and I am so jealous because this is TOTALLY a place where I would thrive. They don’t call me Sam “Candy Whore” Jarvis for nothing.

pinata date bachelor in paradise

But suddenly a clown is lurking behind the piñatas and Jubilee and I both are like OH HELL NO.

clown pinata date bachelor in paradisejubilee scared of clown bachelor in paradise

Like, I am fucking OUT. I’m out, Jubilee’s out, we’re both OUT. It’s also worth mentioning that Jared immediately runs away, making ZERO attempt to save her. Man up, Jared! You’re busted.

Back on the beach Izzy and Vinny are in love, and I have officially decided that if I were on Bachelor in Paradise I would immediately make friends with whatever group of people was just sitting together eating Mexican food.

eating mexican food

Lace and Chad are a complete fucking disaster at this point, and Canadian Daniel is making a last-ditch effort to help a brother out. He’s like Chad, people are scared and you need to stop talking about murder and rape! I mean, that is just sound advice.

Everybody fucking HATES Chad now and Sarah didn’t come to paradise to deal with aggressive, drunk, abusive jerks, okay? Chad immediately calls her a “one-armed bitch” and I am screaming. Somebody shove an adrenaline needle into my sternum, I think my heart has stopped. Emily (maybe Haley??) agrees with me:

twin one armed bachelor in paradise reaction

Chad tells Daniel to stop being so murder-y because Chad is OBSESSED with the word murder. He’s like a small child who has just learned the word for his genitals and incessantly runs up and down the grocery aisle shouting, “Penis! Penis! I have a penis!” That is how into the word murder Chad is.

Finally, The Chad Bear hibernates in the sand and a crab crawls under his head.

crab chad bachelor in paradise

But the story of the morning is about how Chad allegedly POOPED HIS PANTS in his sleep.

chad wakes up naked bachelor in paradisechad pooped his pants bachelor in paradise

Did he just smell his shorts for poop?? No. NO. I can’t.

Dude, you pooped your fucking pants. And not because you ate Indian food and got stuck in traffic. You drank too much and SHIT YOURSELF. I cannot and WILL NOT get over this.

Here’s how everyone else feels about him, summed up in one photo:

amanda bachelor in paradise

Chris Harrison calls everyone to the rose palapa, which sounds like a magical place I would love to visit. And because I haven’t done a Bachelor in Paradise recap in almost a year, I will remind everyone that a palapa is what those little beach hut things are called from the Corona commercials. See, it’s fun to learn!

So Chris gets them to gather ‘round, and I’m pretty sure the first words out of his mouth are going to be, “Chad, you shit your pants last night.” But he doesn’t say that (even though I know he’s thinking it) and instead is like, “Chad, you told all of the staff at this hotel to suck a dick.”

chris harrison rose palapa

Chad is like nah I didn’t! And Chris is like yah bra, you did. Then you shit yourself. Chad cannot comprehend that he is being kicked out of paradise, and now wants to fight Chris Harrison. It’s the silliest thing I have ever witnessed.

Chris Harrison is a multi-millionaire and a TRUE GENTLEMAN and Chad if you lay a finger on him that motherfucker is going to sue you so fast you’ll shit your pants, again.

chad kicked out bachelor in paradise

So Chads gone, but I guess not really because he comes back next week. The main thing to take away from, “This season, on Bachelor in Paradise…” is that this fucking show is going to be on TWICE A WEEK. Is it two hours twice a week? Jesus Christ, guys. I have a LIFE TO LIVE. I watch OTHER SHOWS. I can’t do four hours of this mess every week!! Sigh.

Read my Bachelorette finale recap here. Or other ones here

I also write things on Twitter.

For the record I was going to title this recap, “FUCK YOU, CHRIS HARRISON” but I think I’ll just get it written on a cake instead. Seems more festive.

The Bachelor Women Tell All Recap: “It’s Hard To Watch It Back.”

caila bachelorette sad

You know when you break up with 26 people, and then they all sit in a room together with a shit ton of fake eyelashes on and talk about you? BEN GETS ME.

We kick off the Women Tell All (alternate title: Women Are Mad!) with Ben and Chris hitting up some Bachelor Nation viewing parties. They just walk in the front door of people’s houses as if nobody in the entire country locks their fucking doors at night. Lock your doors, people!

There are a couple things to take from this beautiful adventure Chris and Ben are on together. First, one of these houses has 40 girls in it. FORTY GIRLS! If I lined up all my girlfriends, including my best friend when I was 3 (Paige from Apple School), there would be like, twelve people. Quality over quantity, aight? Look at all these betches:

viewing party bachelor nation

The second thing to take from it is the cake with Chris Harrison’s face on it that says, “Hare for the right reasons.” I honestly have no fucking idea what this cake is about. Easter hasn’t even HAPPENED yet. Is it a play on the name hare-ison? This is absolute crazytown.

chris harrison rabbit cake wtf

At the Tell All, I assume Ben is chilling backstage eating veggie dip and/or a hummus platter from craft services while Chris introduces all the women scorned. They start going through them and it’s like who are these people?! So many girls I totally forgot about and a few I am positive I have never seen before in my life.

Chris plays footage of the DRAMA and we cover all the bases: Lace, Jubilee, Leah, Olivia. Remember Lace? (“How could I forget her when she haunts my dreams at night.” -You)

We get into it with Leah and by we I mean Chris Harrison straight up turns to her and goes, “Leah, what happened with you?” and the crowd BOOS HER.

chris harrison women tell all

Don’t roll on Lauren B, girl! Don’t. Roll. On. Lauren. B. Leah doesn’t think her PRIVATE (FILMED and MIC-ED) conversation should be discussed among the girls even though I have discussed it among MY girls, and I don’t know any of these people personally, professionally, or otherwise.

Leah’s not looking good in this but it’s Jamie who’s really shitting the bed. She is talking like, way too much. You weren’t there, Jamie! Nobody remembers you, JAMIE. However Jamie’s blabbering is a nice segue* into the Jubilee conversation.

*UMM DID YOU KNOW THIS IS HOW YOU SPELL THE WORD SEGWAY?? WHAT THE FUCK.

Amber and Jamie are mad at Jubilee because she kept saying how she was the only full black girl on the show. Chris Harrison’s white ass is like hmm I’m going to chill by these very nice flameless candles and let you guys work it out. Not touching this topic with a 5 million foot pole. (“Siri, remind me to google full black girl definition later” -Chris whispering into his phone)

amber jamie women tell all jubilee

After Jamie repeats herself 70 fucking times Leah literally turns to her and is like, “Get over it” which I believe is her subtle way of clapping back at Jamie for her earlier bullshit.

Jubilee apologizes for anything that offended them, because she’s a badass bitch and girl can step up when she needs to. I always liked that knucklehead. It’s time for Jubilee to sit with Chris and it’s here I remember these girls have to relive their entire fucking journey in a video package before Chris forces them to talk about it. This is the exact face I would make if I had to watch a highlight reel of my past relationships:

jubilee ben

Neat footage, fuckers. However Jubilee is still a little sads about how it went down, as evident by this single tear:

jubilee women tell all

It’s Lace’s turn in the hot seat, and I am officially buried under my throw blanket, head poking out as if I just heard the loudest clap of thunder while home alone because my parents are out at the boat gambling. In short: I am scared. Lace is so fucking happy to watch herself cry. She thinks her own heartbreak is HILARIOUS:

lace women tell all bachelor

This is of course the sign of a serial killer. BUT, the one thing she learned from being on the show was to be aware of her facial expressions. This makes me smile. There is a 100% chance I would totally change everything about my expressions after watching myself on a reality show. Has Olivia opened her mouth once since this circus of an evening started? No. No she hasn’t.

olivia bachelor mouth women tell all

Now some guy interrupts them to show us a tattoo of Lace’s face on his body and Chris Harrison wants us to think this was a totally random occurrence even though he is the only god damn man in the ENTIRE audience.

Lace is officially invited to Bachelor in Paradise, coming this summer to ABC!™, and I cannot wait. Sure, the bachelor’s more magical. But Bachelor in Paradise is more sunburn-y, which honestly might be better.

Olivia is up, which means all the girls are cracking their knuckles, ready to actually murder this bitch if she calls herself Olivia Higgins. This is where things start to get squirrely. 1) Amanda has no voice, which is not the worst news in the world since her voice drives me un poco loco. 2) Olivia is going to be in DOUBLE TROUBLE with the twins tonight. 3) Who the FUCK is Izzy.

izzy bachelor ben

Olivia makes some great points here. Sure, she stole him away first at cocktail parties, but these catty bitches made fun of her breath and her toes and her breasts! Yas, girl. Speak on it. She says she was bullied as a kid and some random girl who I think is named Jennifer goes, “Well if you were bullied as a kid, wouldn’t you learn to change your behavior?” NOTICE TO ALL CHILDREN: THIS IS BAT SHIT CRAZY. Pret-ty sure that’s not how bullying works, ya piece of shit.

Basically any plan of vengeance against Olivia has backfired completely, because every time someone I don’t recognize yells at her all I can think is WHO ARE YOU. Were you ON the show or are you like, a lighting woman yelling at Olivia? Also I fucking hate the twins and want them to, in Leah’s words, get over it.

girls catty

Olivia says she’s sowwy, guys. Not a single betch apologizes to her for ripping apart her body on national television, so that’s nice. Way to keep it classy, ladies.

Caila sits with Chris and has to watch her breakup with Ben, which when you think about it happened very recently. She misses him, and Lauren H. obviously feels all of the feels about it:

lauren h bachelor

It’s time for Ben to face his outer demons (yup, I just called them that) and I bet he’s sweating through his suit. Chris also mentions that because Ben said I love you to two women, he’s already Fucked with a capital F.

The girls get to ask him “closure questions” and Jubilee needs to know why when he dumped her he didn’t give her another chance like how he gave Caila or JoJo anther chance when they weren’t opening up? That might not have been what she was asking but she said SO MANY WORDS before she got to an actual question that Ben and my eyes are completely glazed over.

It’s Amanda’s turn and she’s just like Ben, you’re great, keep doin you, pal. It is so silly and fabulous. Chris asks if Ben can tell the twins apart and I am THE MOST sad when he gets them right. I would call up Time Warner and let them charge me $29.99 to watch him get that wrong.

twins women tell all

We’re onto the blooper reel, and I am giggling through this entire thing. Who doesn’t love a blooper reel? All I want to do for the rest of my life is watch people swat at bugs and trip down stairs. They also show Becca in the middle of a serious conversation where she calls Ben Chris, as in Chris Soules from last season. HA! Finally a non-boring moment from Becca.

Chris Harrison sums up the night by saying how much America has loved Ben and how he’s, “on the Rushmore” as far as top bachelor dudes go and it’s like Jesus, Chris, suck his dick already.

We get a preview of next week’s finale, and here is what Ben’s mom thinks about all this in-love-with-two-women drama:

ben higgins mom

Tune in next Monday for the THREE HOUR live event (my bedtime is going to get completely blown out of the water). Here’s what I’ll be doing as I watch… stuffing my god damn face:

bachelor pony mini horse

Read last week’s fantasy suite recap here

Check out more of my recaps here.

 

 

 

The Bachelor Recap: “There’s Our Boyfriend.”

jojo ben bachelor fireworks

This season is really starting to hit its stride, and as usual there are a few girls trudging behind the pack like that one slow ass rhino in Jumanji.

We head to Vegas, where JoJo gets the first date card. Olivia acts like she’s cool as a fucking cucumber about it because she’s, “Zen with Ben,” but you and I both know she is starting to crack and is probably giving herself pep talks in the mirror. (That mirror, she will later realize, is actually a houseplant.)

A helicopter comes to pick up Ben and JoJo and it blows her away! No literally. It smashes their champagne and everything goes flying.

jojo ben helicopter

Back at the hotel they read the names on the group date card and that shit goes on FOREVERRRRR. The only way it could possibly sound more like a list of the top 50 baby names of 2015 would be if one of them was named Madison.

On the date, they are all going to be in a talent show. Ahh, yes. I have a feeling some of these ladies are talent-LESS and that’s going to make it MUY INTERESANTE.

lauren h chicken bachelor

Olivia goes on and on about this secret talent she has planned and everyone including me is over it. Is she going to shoot ping pong balls out of her pussy or something? Whatever it is, she is taking it 100% too seriously.

Now. When I say her cake-strip-tease is awkward, I mean it is very, very awkward. Let me tell you something. If you ever have to get on stage in front of people and think to yourself, “I’m just going to wing it,” that shit NEVER WORKS.

olivia strip cakeben olivia awkward cake.JPG

After the talent show Caila and Ben make out and he calls her a SEX PANTHER, which makes me giggle. (She does kiss very aggressively so, perhaps he has a point.) What does NOT make me giggle, is Lauren H. kissing the ventriloquist doll.

Olivia, you should be feeling pretty fucking good at this point because watching Lauren kiss this doll is BY FAR one of the most horrifying things I’ve ever seen in my entire life and I’ve basically forgotten about your panic attack .

lauren kiss ventriloquist doll bachelor

But Olivia HAS NOT forgotten about her panic attack. She has to talk to Ben. She HAS to explain why the fuck she jumped out of a god damn cake in front of 1,200 people. But Ben’s eyes are glazing over as if he’s using all of his brain power to subdue the boner that’s still lurking in his pants from ol’ Sex Panther Caila.

For Becca’s one on one date she gets sent a wedding dress and these thirsty bitches are soooo jealous. She meets him at a chapel and he pretends to propose to her, which is supposed to be cute except you can see on her face that home girl is TRIPPING OUT about it and def DOES NOT want to marry Ben. Look at her eyes. Sheer terror.

becca panic

For their date Ben officiates weddings, and as I watch all of these adorable, normal couples get married I just keep smoking more and more weed and thinking to myself wow, I am going to be SO HAPPY on my wedding day. (I also ate four tacos during this time. I lead a rich life.)

Back at the hotel, I can’t tell if the girls are starting to get tired of all this bullshit or not.

tired girls

We think there’s a rose ceremony soon but hot damn, Ben wants to go on a 2-on-1 date with the TWINS!! This is crazy. I get it, they share a car, have the same job… it’s a little creeps and he’s got to pick one. (Now I am wondering what their actual job is, since under the employment section all it says is, “Twin.”)

He goes to their house, which is full of overweight dachshunds and photos of Haley’s ex-boyfriend. Subsequently, Haley is gone.

haley emily twins bachelor

It’s finally time for the rose ceremony and I’m wondering how many goddamn cocktail dresses these girls have to bring on this show. So many dresses!! Olivia has another conversation with Ben where he stares blankly at her, having no idea what she’s talking about. He then talks to Jubilee and she is the fucking best. She is a bad bitch and I love her for it.

Olivia isn’t worried about not getting a rose because, “I read a lot of romance novels where things just come together.” Of course she reads romance novels. Of course.

Rachel (“Who?” –You) and Amber get kicked off and Amber is fucking mad about it. As soon as she starts walking away I say to my boyfriend, “She is so ready to take those heels off-” And as soon as the words leave my mouth she takes those damn heels off. Girls, amiright? We get each other.

Next week we’re off to Mexico, where Olivia tells Amanda she’s like a bad episode of Teen Mom or something? Not sure. Gonna be weird.

olivia bachelor bite finger

Check out more of my recaps here.

The Bachelor Premiere: “I’m Really Nervous To Date 25 People”

ben higgins bachelor rose

Well, well, well, ol’ Ben Higgins is up to bat, attempting to convince me that a 26-year-old man could possibly be ready for marriage. Good luck, brosef.

Ben is the type of guy who stops in to his elementary school to say hi to his old teachers, which to me is an immediate deal breaker, but he’s 6’5’’ so I guess I’ll stick with him for a bit longer. And if you’re wondering why that sexy puppy hasn’t found a forever home yet, it’s because you can’t nab a wife in the middle of a god damn field.

ben higgins indiana warsaw

He talks to his parents about love and shit and it’s all very SURFACE LEVEL. But his parents have a pontoon boat parked in the back of their house so they are obviously very, very good people. I like a good pontoon boat. Everybody knows that about me.

The Pussy Posse (™ Leo DiCaprio) of Bachelor Nation give Ben advice and they basically just talk about kissing. They should host The View.

bachelor ben chris sean

We finally meet some betches and immediately learn that Caila broke up with her boyfriend after feeling butterflies when she first saw Ben on Kaitlyn’s season. Yes, you read that right. She broke up with her boyfriend because she saw a hot person on TV.

Jubilee is a war veteran who makes jokes about the casualties of love. See what she did there? She made light of the deaths of her comrades. Real zinger. There is also a dentist that comes out in a humongous rose hat. Let me tell you something. The last thing IN THE WORLD I want my dentist to be is weird. I like my dentists to be straight shooters. Glasses, a rock collection. You get it.

There are also 22-year-old twins from Vegas, and I’m not talking about a middle age stripper’s boob job. We also meet a chicken enthusiast who clearly has some tough decisions ahead of her.

bachelor chicken enthusiast

Time for the limos!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes. Ben is looking foyne and the girls are fucking pumped about it.

There are several cringe-y introductions in a row, including a girl who wants to hike a football to him but it’s like babe, this is not a Charmin commercial. Not a great look.

bachelor leah football hike

Lauren is a cute red head, but she immediately crushes her chances by saying, “I’m Lauren, but my friends call me Red Velvet.” Umm, that is a fucking lie. I think you mean you TRIED TO get your friends to call you Red Velvet. That is like me saying, “I’m Sam, but my friends call me Vanilla Dream,” Like, no they don’t.

Now there’s a chick with a mini horse, a girl who bashes PERFECTLY GOOD baguettes into the ground (wow, rude), a girl in a onesie, and an unemployed hover board rider. I don’t know what amazing drugs the peeps over at ABC are getting but this shit is going off the rails.

Also the twins walk into the house and here is how thrilled everyone is to see them:

the bachelor twins

Now Lace (who forced him to give her the first kiss and for some reason does NOT have a Y on the end of her name) is officially becoming the house bitch. It is very clear from her drunk eyes that this is partially her personality, and partially the nine glasses of wine a producer (played by Shiri Appleby- shout out to UNreal!!) has fed her.

the bachelor lace drunk

Ben is about to give a toast to all the women but the weird dentist interrupts him to give him a teeth cleaning. This is NOT. MY. SCENE. Going to the dentist is my least favorite part of every six months. I do not want it happening in the middle of dates.

the bachelor weird dentist

Now the smokin’ hot news anchor Olivia is telling him she left an amazing job to be with him. Gurl, no. I get it, you’re the hottest bitch here so everything you say is going to sound like sweet, sweet nectar but it is 20-motha-fuckin-16, okay? Let’s not go around telling men that we are super pleased to leave our badass careers to go on dates with them. Jennifer Lawrence is shaking her head somewhere at the thought.

TWIST!! Becca and Amber are BACK!! Chris Soules’ leftovers walk into the house and everyone completely loses their chill. Every girl in that room is like, “Becca and Amber! Becca and Amber!” It is hashtag Becca and Amber up in this bitch.

bachelor becca and amber

Lace asks Ben for ANOTHER kiss and it’s like damn, Lace! Go on with your greedy ass. Except don’t go on, because Ben doesn’t want to kiss her again.

Olivia gets the first impression rose, which surprises no one because she looks like fucking Heidi Klum. Just look at these two people. This could be an Us Weekly cover of them walking out of Mastros (on a double date with Jen and Justin, obvi).

bachelor ben and olivia

He hands out the rest of the roses and we say goodbye to some girls who got very little airtime, and also to Red Velvet. Told ya you blew it. Lace gets the final rose and is freaking the fuck out about how Ben didn’t look at her while he was addressing 30 girls? It’s confusing, she is I’m sure blackout at this point. Ben is basically like ehh this girl sucks but of course he can’t get rid of her because she is the shining beacon of hope for a villain and those suits up in Hollywood just won’t let him kick her off yet.

Season’s lookin real good, guys. Keep a good rosé in the fridge at all times.

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.