The Bachelor Premiere recap: “Please Tell Me You Don’t Have a Little Wiener”

arie bachelor premiere

Well HAPPY FUCKIN’ NEW YEAR, kids!! I’ve missed you all a ton. (Sort of.)

I’m going to be totally honest with you guys, the mere thought of starting off 2018 with a freshie fresh season of The Bachelor is what pushed me through the end of 2017 and the accompanying massive head cold I’m suffering from that’s making everything I eat taste like oven-roasted cardboard.

When I first heard Arie was the next bachelor I was pret-ty bummed, mostly because I firmly believe you should never trust anyone with an added E in their name. Also because the last time he was on the show was 45 years ago and the only reason they picked him to do this was because they were in the 11th hour of negotiations with hot ass Peter Kraus when they realized, “Hey, didn’t that race car driver already fill out all the paperwork for this bullshit? Get him on a plane, he can be on Good Morning America in six hours!!” But I’m a sucker for even a dorky bachelor, so I guess I’m in.

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The Bachelor recap: “You’re A Wiener In My Book”

the bachelor promo nick.JPG

GUYS! HEY!! HOLY SHIT I MISSED YOU! I’VE BEEN WELL, THANKS. JUST TRUCKING ALONG, WRITING FOR A TELEVISION SHOW AND CONSTANTLY DYING MY HAIR BLONDE. (ALSO EATING TONS OF BREAKFAST BURRITOS!)

Sorry, I had to use a paper towel as a coffee filter this morning so things are just all WACKY on my end. We kick off this season with Nick passionately exclaiming, “I’m Nick and I’m the Bachelor,” in case any of you were sitting at home going, “Hm, I’ve been waiting for this day for four fucking months, but I can’t for the life of me remember who the big show’s all about. Luke? Chase? A newly single and batshit crazy Josh Murray?” LOLZ.

We check out what Nick’s been up to since he dumped Jen’s ass on a beach, and here he is pretending he still has a job:

nick-viall-chicago

Nice workbag. It’s probably filled to the brim with head shots and Sugar Bear hair vitamins.

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Bachelor In Paradise Recap: “An Eagle Doesn’t Settle For A Pigeon”

canadian daniel swimsuit

Look I’m going to be honest, by the time I pressed play on my DVR I was already a little emotionally Bachelor-ed out this week. But the second they rolled out their campy-ass intros I suddenly felt… Excited. Alive. Fucking PUMPED, for some fucking PARADISE.

evan bachelor in paradise banana introdaniel syrup bachelor in paradise introchris harrison and jorge

Chris Harrison starts us off with some really weird poetic analogies about how “the sea is as salty as the tears of the broken hearted” and I’m immediately 100% sold on this entire season.

Also, the twins are here!

twins vagina bachelor in paradise

Lovely. Since we last saw everybody Jubilee has learned that she has resting bitch face (great call), Nick has nicknamed himself “The Runner Up,” and most importantly Evan kept THE SHIRT.

evan ripped shirt bachelor in paradise

He buys a new one, and my boyfriend laughs out loud when Evan asks to try on a medium.

Back in Mexico, Canadian Daniel compares himself to herpes, because why the fuck not. Every single thing that comes out of his mouth is a catch phrase that should be printed on a mug. He loves rating girls AND comparing them to fruits, which in my mind means he has a very specific ranking system for his produce (Apples are 4’s, Kiwis are 9’s).

He talks to one of the twins and the other twin’s only commentary on the matter is, “Oh God, he’s high-fiving her,” which should honestly be the name of a self-help book on dating.

Daniel over-guesses Izzy’s age (“Who?” –All of us), and she doesn’t take it well, but I’m too entranced by how badly Jubilee wants to fuck Jared to give a shit. I am not personally on the Jared train, but Jubilee is tryna get all up in them guts.

jubilee panting bachelor in paradise

A parrot suddenly warns us of danger!! Which means Chad is en route. Like, somebody in a writer’s room actually sat there and was like, “We will simulate an earthquake and/or a Godzilla encounter by showing close-ups of water glasses shaking, a parrot will give a distress call, and then Chad will walk into Paradise.” And other people in that room were like, “Great! Yes. Good.”

parrot danger bachelor in paradiseevan chad bachelor in paradise

Anyway so Chad arrives and Evan immediately starts rifling through Chad’s luggage, because Evan has an actual death wish and has put no value on his life.

Chad and Lace hit it off for I assume the same reason that the polar ice caps are melting, which is that there is no God and this whole world is just one big blob of fuckery.

lace chad makeout bachelor in paradise

The problem is they’re making out a lot but are also like, hitting each other? They’ve drank too much, guys. TOO MUCH.

They keep slapping each other and calling each other like dogs, I think because they’re both trying to establish some sort of shit-faced dominance in their 12-minute long relationship and I just don’t see this working out long term.

lace chad fight bachelor in paradisecover chads mouth

Jubilee asks Jared to go on a piñata date, and I am so jealous because this is TOTALLY a place where I would thrive. They don’t call me Sam “Candy Whore” Jarvis for nothing.

pinata date bachelor in paradise

But suddenly a clown is lurking behind the piñatas and Jubilee and I both are like OH HELL NO.

clown pinata date bachelor in paradisejubilee scared of clown bachelor in paradise

Like, I am fucking OUT. I’m out, Jubilee’s out, we’re both OUT. It’s also worth mentioning that Jared immediately runs away, making ZERO attempt to save her. Man up, Jared! You’re busted.

Back on the beach Izzy and Vinny are in love, and I have officially decided that if I were on Bachelor in Paradise I would immediately make friends with whatever group of people was just sitting together eating Mexican food.

eating mexican food

Lace and Chad are a complete fucking disaster at this point, and Canadian Daniel is making a last-ditch effort to help a brother out. He’s like Chad, people are scared and you need to stop talking about murder and rape! I mean, that is just sound advice.

Everybody fucking HATES Chad now and Sarah didn’t come to paradise to deal with aggressive, drunk, abusive jerks, okay? Chad immediately calls her a “one-armed bitch” and I am screaming. Somebody shove an adrenaline needle into my sternum, I think my heart has stopped. Emily (maybe Haley??) agrees with me:

twin one armed bachelor in paradise reaction

Chad tells Daniel to stop being so murder-y because Chad is OBSESSED with the word murder. He’s like a small child who has just learned the word for his genitals and incessantly runs up and down the grocery aisle shouting, “Penis! Penis! I have a penis!” That is how into the word murder Chad is.

Finally, The Chad Bear hibernates in the sand and a crab crawls under his head.

crab chad bachelor in paradise

But the story of the morning is about how Chad allegedly POOPED HIS PANTS in his sleep.

chad wakes up naked bachelor in paradisechad pooped his pants bachelor in paradise

Did he just smell his shorts for poop?? No. NO. I can’t.

Dude, you pooped your fucking pants. And not because you ate Indian food and got stuck in traffic. You drank too much and SHIT YOURSELF. I cannot and WILL NOT get over this.

Here’s how everyone else feels about him, summed up in one photo:

amanda bachelor in paradise

Chris Harrison calls everyone to the rose palapa, which sounds like a magical place I would love to visit. And because I haven’t done a Bachelor in Paradise recap in almost a year, I will remind everyone that a palapa is what those little beach hut things are called from the Corona commercials. See, it’s fun to learn!

So Chris gets them to gather ‘round, and I’m pretty sure the first words out of his mouth are going to be, “Chad, you shit your pants last night.” But he doesn’t say that (even though I know he’s thinking it) and instead is like, “Chad, you told all of the staff at this hotel to suck a dick.”

chris harrison rose palapa

Chad is like nah I didn’t! And Chris is like yah bra, you did. Then you shit yourself. Chad cannot comprehend that he is being kicked out of paradise, and now wants to fight Chris Harrison. It’s the silliest thing I have ever witnessed.

Chris Harrison is a multi-millionaire and a TRUE GENTLEMAN and Chad if you lay a finger on him that motherfucker is going to sue you so fast you’ll shit your pants, again.

chad kicked out bachelor in paradise

So Chads gone, but I guess not really because he comes back next week. The main thing to take away from, “This season, on Bachelor in Paradise…” is that this fucking show is going to be on TWICE A WEEK. Is it two hours twice a week? Jesus Christ, guys. I have a LIFE TO LIVE. I watch OTHER SHOWS. I can’t do four hours of this mess every week!! Sigh.

Read my Bachelorette finale recap here. Or other ones here

I also write things on Twitter.

For the record I was going to title this recap, “FUCK YOU, CHRIS HARRISON” but I think I’ll just get it written on a cake instead. Seems more festive.

The Bachelorette Premiere: “Bring On The Men”

saint nick christmas bachelorette

Guys I’m going to be honest with you IT FEELS GOOD TO BE BACK. Not as good as like, eating a chocolate lava cake, but still pretty lovely.

We kick off this season of debauchery with a friendly reminder that Ben took Jojo’s heart, put it on a pedestal, took it OFF that pedestal, and then stomped on it. He smashed that shit into a million pieces like it was a glass at a Jewish wedding. Mazel tov!

It is super fun to relive how Ben told her he loved her, looked her dead in the eyes and said, “I promise you won’t be blindsided,” only to blindside the FUCK out of her ass. But now she’s feeling better and most importantly HOPEFUL, even though I feel like the only thing she should be feeling is hungry since she definitely hasn’t eaten since January.

jojo bachelorette body

Great bod though. Great bod. She gets advice from basic bitches AHEM I mean FORMER BACHELORETTES Desiree, Ali, and Kaitlyn. Look I liked Kaitlyn, I really did, but seeing her sit next to Jojo makes me feel like somebody should just pull Jojo aside and be like girl, you don’t need advice from 7s. (Hey man, it is what it is.)

But you know what I’m ready to see? Some dudes. Chris Harrison’s ready to see some dick too, as evident by his classic Chris Harrison gesticulations.

chris harrison bachelorette premiere

First up is firefighter Grant, and my immediate thought is oh my God, I hope these guys don’t all have professions that double as Chippendales characters. I’m sure Grant is very nice but he is being a little aggressive with his sexy pose and it’s making me uncomfortable.

grant fire fighter bachelorette

Next up is Aaron Roger’s brother, who I will now and forever refer to as Aaron Roger’s Brother. Dude’s foyne, I’ll give him that. The hair is too SWISHED for me but at least he’s in Jojo’s league. We also meet a short marine and I can barely pay attention because honestly I am so fucking distracted by THIS AWESOME ASS DOG.

dog alex bachelorette

Like, holy shit, that dog is amazing. Is it his dog? Is its name Velcro? I need more information.

We meet a superfan whose face looks like it’s made out of clay and it’s like, Bachelor superfan is not a job, James S. from Phoenix, Arizona.

bachelor super fan james bachelorette

There’s also a dick doctor, a bartender from Santa Monica, and some guy who wakes up at 3:30 in the fucking morning to work out. Um, no thank you. Unless you have the body and philanthropic kindness of The Rock, I am not into that shit. The last thing I need is to feel like a lazy asshole for waking up at 8:30 on a Saturday. That is an ACCOMPLISHMENT and nobody can take that away from me. NOBODY.

Anyway so it’s time for these dudez to get out of some mothafuckin limos, AMIRIGHT? As each one gets out and greets her my friend Jordan and I nestle into the couch to discuss which ones look tall. There are of course gimmicks and awkward moments, including one guy who “drops” his notecards, which does nothing but points out how soaking wet the Bachelor producers keep the pavement outside of the mansion.

wet pavement

I get that it looks magical but it’s like guys, c’mon. We are in a fucking drought out here and you’re hosing off the pavement so the moon will glisten off it? Leo DiCaprio’s environmental ass would NOT BE PLEASED!

We’re now moving into looney tunes territory as we meet a half Scottish dude in a kilt, somebody in a full on Santa suit, and a guy who looks like a Bar Mitzvah magician and thinks being Canadian is somehow a job.

daniel canadian bachelorette

You can thank my couchmate Jordan for the Bar Mitzvah joke.

Guys, I’m gonna be straight with you. The only thing that’s attractive is when they come out of the limo in a nice fucking suit. Don’t give me stress balls and tell me to squeeze them, don’t wear weird pocket squares and a tie with a knot that is way too wide. A NICE SUIT, and I swear to God I will think about fucking you. That’s all it takes.

As we meet all these weirdos, it’s suddenly clear we’ve got a villain on our hands. Chad, Chad, Chad, you salty motherfucker. He is hating on everybody and thinks he is seriously hot shit which is funny because he seems more like room temperature shit to me. Gooey, room temperature dog shit. Anyway here’s how Jojo’s doing:

jojo wine bottle chug

At the cocktail party she wishes they weren’t all so nervous and it’s like bitch, they’ve been waiting months for this and now there are fifty billion cameras in their face AND your giant amazing boob job. I’m sure it’s slightly overwhelming.

One of the guys makes her kiss him by playing a dumb fucking paper child’s game and the first thing out of her mouth after they kiss is, “Maybe that will get better.” Off to a great start, dude! Something to write home about.

Aaron Roger’s Brother decides that like Ray Finkle before him, dude fuckin choked and should maybe go back and kiss her. She is VERY into it because 1) he has a nice butt and 2) because I’m 100% positive producers told her long ago that he is related to a famous person and she has already picked out their china pattern.

jojo jordan rogers kiss bachelorette

Villain Chad whisks her away to talk and immediately says, “Normally girls are so worried about themselves” and it’s like BRO, eat a dick. If some guy wanted to date me and his opening line was “girls have no self esteem” I’d probably be like cool story, I’m going to go home and order pizza like the badass bitch I am.

Canadian Daniel tries to explain the Damn, Daniel meme to Jojo and it is what the internet trolls would call an epic fail. He then touches another man’s belly button and everybody hates him and makes fun of his short ass tie, which now that you mention it does make me giggle.

And now, the parade of the drunks. Daniel takes his clothes off and random dudes start sitting in on Jojo’s one-on-one interviews with the producers. It is, in a word, crazytown.

daniel canadian naked
drunk guy jojo bachelorette

Aaron Roger’s Brother gets the first impression rose even though she’s also drooling over every guy from Texas. But wait, another limo!! I am freaking the fuck out, 100% positive J.J. from Bachelor In Paradise is about to walk out of that fancy super long car.

surprise limo bachelorette

Turns out it’s Jake Pavelka, former Bachelor/boring person not to be confused with Jessie Pavelka, trainer/bad Chinese symbol tattoo-haver of Biggest Loser. Anyway Jake gives her advice like “don’t put up walls” and all I keep thinking over and over is oh my God, you are a loser.

She starts giving out roses and it’s like, so many god damn roses. They keep cutting away as she puts them on their lapels because you know it’s taking her ten thousand years to pin each one on these fools. Vinny hasn’t gotten one yet and is NOT THRILLED.

vinny bachelorette angry face

You know who IS thrilled to get one? The dick doctor. Look at this goofy ass grin:

got a rose happy

The final rose goes to crazy Canadian Daniel because the producers were like girl, you HAVE TO give him a rose. That is obviously the only explanation. The rest of them go home and are experiencing all the sads, although I think going out to a nice breakfast together would cheer them up since it is literally so fucking light outside that they have probably already missed the early bird special at Denny’s. It’s like 9 o’clock in the morning at this point.

light out bachelorette

We get a sneak peak of the rest of the season and shit is about to POP. OFF. Chad the Villain is like, actually punching people and threatening their lives while Aaron Roger’s Brother is pressing Jojo up against walls to make out with her. Seems like one way or another, errbody’s going to Poundtown.

Read previous Bachelor recaps hereOr other weird stuff I write here.

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The Bachelor Premiere: “I’m Really Nervous To Date 25 People”

ben higgins bachelor rose

Well, well, well, ol’ Ben Higgins is up to bat, attempting to convince me that a 26-year-old man could possibly be ready for marriage. Good luck, brosef.

Ben is the type of guy who stops in to his elementary school to say hi to his old teachers, which to me is an immediate deal breaker, but he’s 6’5’’ so I guess I’ll stick with him for a bit longer. And if you’re wondering why that sexy puppy hasn’t found a forever home yet, it’s because you can’t nab a wife in the middle of a god damn field.

ben higgins indiana warsaw

He talks to his parents about love and shit and it’s all very SURFACE LEVEL. But his parents have a pontoon boat parked in the back of their house so they are obviously very, very good people. I like a good pontoon boat. Everybody knows that about me.

The Pussy Posse (™ Leo DiCaprio) of Bachelor Nation give Ben advice and they basically just talk about kissing. They should host The View.

bachelor ben chris sean

We finally meet some betches and immediately learn that Caila broke up with her boyfriend after feeling butterflies when she first saw Ben on Kaitlyn’s season. Yes, you read that right. She broke up with her boyfriend because she saw a hot person on TV.

Jubilee is a war veteran who makes jokes about the casualties of love. See what she did there? She made light of the deaths of her comrades. Real zinger. There is also a dentist that comes out in a humongous rose hat. Let me tell you something. The last thing IN THE WORLD I want my dentist to be is weird. I like my dentists to be straight shooters. Glasses, a rock collection. You get it.

There are also 22-year-old twins from Vegas, and I’m not talking about a middle age stripper’s boob job. We also meet a chicken enthusiast who clearly has some tough decisions ahead of her.

bachelor chicken enthusiast

Time for the limos!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes. Ben is looking foyne and the girls are fucking pumped about it.

There are several cringe-y introductions in a row, including a girl who wants to hike a football to him but it’s like babe, this is not a Charmin commercial. Not a great look.

bachelor leah football hike

Lauren is a cute red head, but she immediately crushes her chances by saying, “I’m Lauren, but my friends call me Red Velvet.” Umm, that is a fucking lie. I think you mean you TRIED TO get your friends to call you Red Velvet. That is like me saying, “I’m Sam, but my friends call me Vanilla Dream,” Like, no they don’t.

Now there’s a chick with a mini horse, a girl who bashes PERFECTLY GOOD baguettes into the ground (wow, rude), a girl in a onesie, and an unemployed hover board rider. I don’t know what amazing drugs the peeps over at ABC are getting but this shit is going off the rails.

Also the twins walk into the house and here is how thrilled everyone is to see them:

the bachelor twins

Now Lace (who forced him to give her the first kiss and for some reason does NOT have a Y on the end of her name) is officially becoming the house bitch. It is very clear from her drunk eyes that this is partially her personality, and partially the nine glasses of wine a producer (played by Shiri Appleby- shout out to UNreal!!) has fed her.

the bachelor lace drunk

Ben is about to give a toast to all the women but the weird dentist interrupts him to give him a teeth cleaning. This is NOT. MY. SCENE. Going to the dentist is my least favorite part of every six months. I do not want it happening in the middle of dates.

the bachelor weird dentist

Now the smokin’ hot news anchor Olivia is telling him she left an amazing job to be with him. Gurl, no. I get it, you’re the hottest bitch here so everything you say is going to sound like sweet, sweet nectar but it is 20-motha-fuckin-16, okay? Let’s not go around telling men that we are super pleased to leave our badass careers to go on dates with them. Jennifer Lawrence is shaking her head somewhere at the thought.

TWIST!! Becca and Amber are BACK!! Chris Soules’ leftovers walk into the house and everyone completely loses their chill. Every girl in that room is like, “Becca and Amber! Becca and Amber!” It is hashtag Becca and Amber up in this bitch.

bachelor becca and amber

Lace asks Ben for ANOTHER kiss and it’s like damn, Lace! Go on with your greedy ass. Except don’t go on, because Ben doesn’t want to kiss her again.

Olivia gets the first impression rose, which surprises no one because she looks like fucking Heidi Klum. Just look at these two people. This could be an Us Weekly cover of them walking out of Mastros (on a double date with Jen and Justin, obvi).

bachelor ben and olivia

He hands out the rest of the roses and we say goodbye to some girls who got very little airtime, and also to Red Velvet. Told ya you blew it. Lace gets the final rose and is freaking the fuck out about how Ben didn’t look at her while he was addressing 30 girls? It’s confusing, she is I’m sure blackout at this point. Ben is basically like ehh this girl sucks but of course he can’t get rid of her because she is the shining beacon of hope for a villain and those suits up in Hollywood just won’t let him kick her off yet.

Season’s lookin real good, guys. Keep a good rosé in the fridge at all times.

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Premiere: “Lord have mercy.”

rhoa peaches

Hope you’re wearing deodorant, because this season of The Real Housewives of Atlanta is gonna be a HOT MESS. In the best way possible.

We kick off season 8 with a quick teaser of what the future holds and I will summarize by saying, “Shit is going down.” Buckle up, kiddos, next stop Crazytown (“On a railroad that is actually under the ground??” –Porsha).

Everyone’s tag lines are solid even though they are no Aviva Drescher, “They’re just pulling my leg.” Also none of their kids are in the opening, I assume because Riley’s dope ass was like oh HELL no, I can’t be associated with these people.

Porsha leaves baby-voiced messages for her 24-year-old boyfriend while she is on a “break from work.” It’s not like you work at Best Buy, girl. I don’t think you’re calling him during your ten minute smoke break. Meanwhile we find out that Dr. Jackie from Married to Medicine is the one who knocked up Kandi and Todd and it’s like SYNERGY!! Love it.

Phaedra explains that ever since Apollo got thrown in the clink, she and Porsha have become bosom buddies. She then says, “Got milk?” and here is how satisfied she is with that joke:

porsha confessional joke

Cracks herself up. She updates us on Apollo by saying insanely proper and hilarious sentences like, “Apollo and I correspond quite frequently, we’re cordial.” She is an American Girl doll come to life and I fucking love her for it.

Peter gets back from Charlotte and is greeted by Cynthia’s salty ass drinking like she just watched an Instagram video of her husband cheating on her. Which is exactly what she did, so this is all adding up nicely.

They play a slow motion version of the video and I am like PRAISE ANDY because when that shit first came out I watched it and my stupid fucking brain was like wait what? Then I played it again and was still like wait what? Shit was going too fast. The slo-mo version makes my eyes get wide and I’m like OHHH SHIIIIIT!! Peter, you fuckin’ dog! Clear as day that man is doing something he is not supposed to be doing. No way around that.

peter cheating instagram rhoa

Except he DOES think there is a way around that (he has apparently not seen the slow motion version) so he goes in for the kiss and Cynthia is like NOPE. Rejected. She gets into it with him and after she says it looks like he was touching the neck slash tit of some ho he literally goes, “That’s what it looks like to you?” Umm, yeah Peter. That is what it looks like to her. She may wear too much eye makeup sometimes but not SO much that her eyelids are weighed the fuck down by it. She can see the shit that’s in front of her.

Meanwhile Porsha’s new boyfriend Duke comes to meet her at a hotel. I don’t care that he’s younger, you do you. But maybe don’t dress like you’re an actual middle schooler with a backpack.

duke backpack rhoa porsha

Porsha agrees with me and is like, “Take the backpack off.” Suddenly I am positive Porsha and I are soul sisters and I’ll be honest that is both exciting and terrifying. She requests the best champagne the hotel has to offer, which is Cupcake. If that is the fanciest champs they have she is staying in the presidential suite of a Motel 6. That shit is $12 a bottle. You may have fooled Duke (and his backpack) but you are not fooling me.

Kenya shows Cynthia her new house and on the way there Kenya is already throwing so much fuckin shade at her neighbor Sheree “Who gon’ check me, boo?” Whitfield. Since I know Sheree is rejoining the cast this season I can’t help but let out a deep, full-belly cackle at the realization that Kenya is coming for her ass. Yes, yes. I am so fucking in.

In Cynthia’s latest business venture, she has been pooping eyewear. Her words, not mine. Also I know eyewear is the chic word but really she is selling sunglasses, okay? That’s like someone selling “cotton half sleeves.” Oh, you mean t-shirts? K.

We now learn that Todd’s been keeping Apollo’s shit for him while he’s in jail. Look, I’m a great friend. I’ll pick you up from the airport. I’ll feed your cats. But I am not keeping fucking dirt bikes in my garage for you for EIGHT YEARS. Like, no.

Cynthia is tryna launch her sunglasses ahem EYEWEAR, but is also asking her sister Malorie if she thinks Peter cheated on her in the Instagram video. This is the same Malorie that HID YOUR MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE on the day of your wedding so you couldn’t marry him, correct? I’m sure she’s going to say, “Cynthia, you’re crazy! Peter is an amazing man and he would never do that!” Wait- she doesn’t say that. She looks right at her and goes, “Yup.”

cynthia bailey wine rhoa peter

It’s time for Cynthia’s sunglass I MEAN EYEWEAR launch, and I’m not seeing any passed apps, only passed sunglasses on trays that look like they should have crab puffs on them. Not to be rude, but if you don’t have cocktail weenies I am out.

Peter walks in looking like Tommy Jamaica and immediately catches heat from Kenya. Do not mess with Kenya tonight. She is twirling her way into the shadiest corner of the room.

peter rhoa sunglasses cheating

Malorie tells the entire group that Cynthia said she wasn’t attracted to Peter with his clothes off. God dammit, Malorie! That is your sister! She doesn’t want any of them knowing that until this shit AIRS, okay? This is their reaction to the information:

rhoa marlo

Annnnd now Sheree is here. The bitch is back, y’all!! At first she sort of flits around like she just drank forty Starbucks double shots. But the reality TV fucking goddess that Kenya is, is not gonna let that slide. She slams Sheree and her never-getting-finished house literally the second she sees her. She’s basically like, “Hi yes we met once a long time ago, I hear all your neighbors are fuckin pissed that you still haven’t finished that house you obviously can’t pay for.” That is an Anna Karenina-level READ if I have ever seen one.

Phaedra’s all, “Lord have mercy” while Cynthia’s all, “This is supposed to be about me!” It’s classic them. Now, Sheree’s voice may get high when she is upset, but that doesn’t make her the top dog here. Kenya is the one to beat this season, babe. I’m calling it right now. She is giving Sheree so much shade she isn’t gonna NEED any of that fancy ass eyewear they’re slangin’ tonight.

to be continued rhoa

This is of course TO BE CONTINUED… because girls are only starting to be held back by other girls and earrings are still on. But if the rest of this season is literally just scenes of Kenya and Sheree and Sheree’s Ramona eyes, I’m going to blow through all my weed and need to up my night cream game so I don’t get horrible smile lines.

Check out more of my show recaps here.

sheree whitfield rhoa premiere

Naked and Afraid Recap: “Suck It, Gary”

kim face naked and afraid

The jungles of Panama are lush, vibrant, and filled with so many fucking NOPEs that if you were to drop me off in that ish I’d be like, “Oh HELL no.”

Season five kicks off with 23-year-old Kim from Utah, and 53-year-old Gary from Nevada who has seven freaking children. Kim immediately goes, “My partner’s a religious cop.” Her and I both know that is not the ideal partner in a situation like this. You know who you want? A wilderness EMT. Somebody who can make great “cordage.” God may lift your spirits, but he ain’t making you a fire.

Speaking of fire, they don’t have one. Turns out Kim’s only used her little fire device (fine, it’s called a bow drill) twice and Gary is fucking pissed about it. She’s really letting him down, even though I have yet to see one thing he has done for the two of them besides show her a cross made out of a stick.

They can’t sleep because it’s cold and also there is a HUGE FUCKING SPIDER right above their heads. I’m a city girl, okay? I have never lived anywhere with a population of fewer than 10 million people. So this shit is not for me, I get that. But who IS it for? LOOK AT THIS SPIDER.

spider naked and afraid panama

The next morning Gary drinks the creek water and I’m going to be honest with you I’m hoping this is where things get interesting. I’ve seen episodes where people have one sip of gross water and immediately shit their brains out. But I guess it’s fine, so now they have water. You know what isn’t fine? That Gary won’t cuddle with Kim for warmth.

He’s a religious man. We know this. But Kim is not about that life. They get in a fight about making fire and/or snuggling and it goes something like this: “Risking our survival is dangerous.” “So is not cuddling.” It’s a real fucking page turner. Kim finally makes a fire and it’s a glorious “Fuck you” to Gary.

fire

So Gary is not feeling great and wants to call the medic. Look I’m sure he feels like complete shit, but it’s day four and I’m going to stress how little he has done so far in this journey. Oh, your blood pressure’s low? Maybe put down your cross stick and try to find some fucking food, Gary.

Gary’s gone, which leaves Kim alone in the jungle for SEVENTEEN DAYS. Honestly I think she can do it, if only because at one point she is literally starving to death, covered in no fewer than 100 bug bites and she just goes, “Nature is a bitch.” Um, yes. Understatement of the year.

Girl hasn’t eaten in five days, and I am tripping balls about it. I’ve seen my friends do juice cleanses and they STRUGGLE. This girl hasn’t eaten a god damn thing and can somehow still stand. I get fainty if I eat lunch late.

She finds a coconut, cracks it open, and a bunch of the coconut water goes into her crotch but Kim cannot be stopped, so she drinks that vagina water straight from the source. She also says, “Suck it, Gary” and now I love her.

coconut water crotch naked afraid

Pigs are trying to kill her, she’s killing cayman, it’s all very primal and terrifying. But she makes a huge ass snare that is the most dope trap I’ve ever seen and I am suddenly feeling this incredible sense of feminism. I’m having a, “I am woman hear me roar” moment even though I am sitting on my couch doing NOTHING.

Kim has so many fucking bug bites so naturally she pees on herself and rubs it on her face to deter them. I want to be horrified, but any bite that feels like “fiberglass being constantly rubbed into your body” probably warrants some pee lotion.

Oh also? Bitch caught a boar. She is crushing it in this jungle right now!! She has been alone for SO MANY DAYS. She makes it to Day 21 and also to her extraction point. I cannot imagine how good a shower would feel after that shit. I’m talking a body scrub, some leave in conditioner, maybe a honey face mask? That sounds good to me, and I have not been peeing on myself for three days.

day 21 naked afraiddone kim naked afraid

Overall Kim lost 23 pounds, which is not surprising considering she ate nothing but cayman and vagina coconut. She also raised her Personal Survival Rating to a solid 7. Gary’s of course got lowered, because that’s what happens when you sit on the jungle floor and twiddle your thumbs while you starve to death.

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