Tag: christen

Bachelor in Paradise: “Who Has The Better Vagina?”

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twins scallop fingers haley emily.JPG

Like a vibrator in need of a new set of batteries, I am starting to lose steam. It’s probably because two fucking episodes a week of this show is pure insanity and I don’t have the emotional stamina for it, OR it could be that I continue to make poor dietary choices and therefore spend half my time feeling tired and the other half wondering if I’m having a heart attack. Sigh.

But tonight’s episode was one only hour, so maybe I WILL get enough sleep and can be a high-functioning adult tomorrow! (I’d settle for a low-functioning adult at this point.)

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Bachelor in Paradise recap: “So I’m Left With The Scraps?”

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wells impression of jasmine

I’m tired, are you tired? I’d love to go to bed but OH THERE IS MORE BACHELOR IN PARADISE TO WATCH. Maybe someday, years from now, I’ll go to sleep at a reasonable hour, no longer a slave to my television. Probably not, but maybe.

So Canadian Daniel is here, and that of course makes Lacey perk the fuck up, because she’s been waiting for this fool to show up for days. She explains to Daniel that the only girls left who aren’t spoken for are herself, Christen, and Jasmine, and Daniel says, AND I QUOTE, “So I’m left with the scraps?”

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Bachelor in Paradise recap: “Scallop Fingers”

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bip logo.JPG

GUYS, WHOA. WHOA. Let me just start by saying Welcome Back, Me!! I was gone for two weeks (living my god damn LIFE, okay?) and when I got back I said to myself, “Oh, joy! I have two episodes of Bachelor in Paradise to watch!” But y’all know where this is going. I curl up on the couch with my rosé (basic betch, party of one), pull up my DVR, and I MISSED FOUR FUCKING EPISODES OF THIS SHIT?!

Like seriously, ABC. Some of us have jobs and families and stuff. Laundry to do. Things to accomplish besides watching eight hours of beach garbage in the span of two weeks. That being said, mama was excited. And while I’m not going to recap all the episodes I missed, as promised I am here to deliver the ABRIDGED, VERY SPEEDY version before we move on.

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