The Bachelor recap: “Yeah, But It’s Just Bowling”

spying on arie and chelsea.JPG

Guys, I’m going to be real with you because like Rachel Lindsay would say, I like to “keep it 100.” I missed last week’s recap because I was shooting a really cool project and was going to just recap last week’s here for you today along with the new one, but once you watch a new episode you’re kind of like, emotionally moved on from the previous one? So I’m not fucking recapping last week. Sowwy.

We kick off this week with the girls in Ft. Lauderdale, which Arie describes as, “one of the most beautiful places to fall in love.” Um, I can think of at least 50 places that are more beautiful to fall in love. Paris, Florence, New York, Miami, Berlin, Buenos Aires, Barcelona, Madrid, Tokyo, Costa Rica, Knoxville Tennessee, Savannah, Charleston, Amsterdam, Bali, Indonesia, New Zealand, Australia, Iceland, Machu Pichu, Telluride, Hawaii, Austin, Portugal, Bora Bora, Macau, Ibiza, Milan, Santorini, Cape Town, Istanbul, Rio de Janiero, Havana, Alaska, New Orleans, Maldives, Marrakesh, Rome, Kyoto, Chicago, Santa Barbara, Venice, Playa del Carmen, Oslo, Dubai, Cyprus, Holland, Prague, Bruges, and Gijón.

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The Bachelorette recap: “I’m A Blimp Pilot!”

kenny on boat bachelorette.JPG

When was the last episode of The Bachelorette, 9 years ago? I suppose it feels like forever because all time is now measured in pre-Bachelor in Paradise shut down, and post-Bachelor in Paradise shut down.

Last we left off, creepy Eric was fucking pissed as shit at Lee, the cackling maniacal cabinet elf who pushes more buttons than a god damn astronaut. (And ya, I’m pret-ty sure astronauts push a lot of buttons.)

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Men Tell All Recap: “Sometimes You Choose Apples When You Should’ve Choosed Pickles”

chase jojo

There’s been so much going on in the world lately that it’s important to gain some perspective and remember what really matters: grown men acting like little girls.

The Bachelorette’s Men Tell All kicks off with a producer yelling, “5, 4, 3, 2, 1…” as if this shit is live and everyone is scrambling around going, “Places, places!!” Spoiler alert, none of this is live. Nobody needs a countdown in their earpiece.

They of course open on Chad’s arrival, where he whistles like a sociopath while wearing an all black suit like he’s Johnny fucking Cash. They also give him a fictional movie trailer, which makes me actually laugh out loud because I know for a fact none of these dork noodles get trailers! MAYBE they get access to a craft services table. Maybe.

Chris Harrison gives us a sneak peak of Bachelor In Paradise, premiering next Tuesday on ABC.™ Here’s all you need to know about that:

canadian daniel

Also they promise multiple proposals, so eat shit, Jade and Tanner!

Back in reality (where I am most comfortable), Chris introduces all of the men, including a bunch of people I forgot and one person I am positive I’ve never seen before in my entire life.

brandon who

As Chris goes down the line to give everyone their 3 milliseconds of fame, Chase gets a HELL of an applause. Also, they introduce Luke after Chase. Um, guys? Chase was kicked off later than Luke. We all know that. You can’t go IN ORDER this entire time and then flip flop the two guys we remember mot vividly. I know you’re trying to tee up ol’ Luke for the Bachelor spot, but I’m pretty sure the crowd’s roaring reaction to Chase says it all.

They then recap the season, which can be summed up in one photo:

jojo boobs bachelorette

Or two:

alex chair

Now we get into the MEAT of the drama. Chad and his deli snacks. Derek vs The Cool Kid Clique. I forgot everybody hated Alex, but they did. Wells goes in on him, saying that because Alex is a marine he has lived his entire adult life in conflict and doesn’t know how to be a normal person. Wells, Wells, Wells! Comin’ in with the zinger.

Randos start voicing their opinions too and it’s like guys, really? You were on the show for two days. Nobody cares what you thought about any of this shit. Thankfully the guy in the kilt doesn’t make a peep.

men tell all kilt

It’s time for Chad to come out, and every single guy there is freaking the fuck out. They are all scared as shit, like they’re about to do a seance and resurrect Satan himself.

Turns out it’s for good reason, because since filming Chad has fucked TWO of their ex-girlfriends, which just goes to show that he was NOT KIDDING when he spewed all that shit about how his crazy ass was NOT going to back down once the show did.

Chris Harrison is all, “So just to clarify, Hope is Robby’s ex-girlfriend and Jen is Grant’s ex-girlfriend?” Chad’s like YEP, and they dumped those broads the second a Bachelor producer got them on the horn. Then I fucked them.

Nick stands up and is ready to fight, which is such an empty threat I can’t even. Oh, you’re really undoing your cufflinks to fight him right now? Sit down, Santa. You’re embarrassing yourself.

nick takes jacket off men tell all

They don’t fight, because Chad explains that if they DID, they would slip and fall in their dress shoes and it would look stupid. When he’s right, he’s right! Best excuse to get out of a fight, maybe ever.

Some of the other guys throw insults his way and he CLAPS BACK with, “Your pocket square doesn’t match your shirt.” Oooo, burn! Got ya, bitch. Classic matching diss.

chad men tell all

Except now Chad says that Robby threatened to beat up his ex-girlfriend if she talked about their relationship to the press. Look I’m certainly not on Team Robby, not now not ever, but there is NO WAY Robby said he was going to BEAT HER UP. What was he gonna do, roll up his linen shirt, kick off his loafers and pound her face in? Doubt it.

Evan wants his wormy time on camera, so they talk about the infamous shirt ripping. Turns out Chris Harrison “pulled the tapes” from what I assume is the dusty old library where they keep all the footage of people sobbing in the backs of vans, so we are going to be able to watch it back and discuss. I personally think Evan was being aggressive/a little bitch, but I’m not the ref here.

Luke is in the hot seat, and I completely forgot that when he first met Jojo he rode in on a unicorn, so there’s that. He explains that after he went home he was having anxiety attacks a couple times a week and it’s like yeah, bro, I bet you were. That shit looked fucking traumatic. Here’s him watching back said trauma:

luke watching heartbreak

Chris Harrison keeps saying things to him like, “So you’re ready to find love again?” and it’s like we get it, you want him to be the next Bachelor. But if that applause meant anything, I’m thinking America wants Chase.

Chase talks to Chris next, and boi is looking pret-ty fucking good.

chase chris

For as boring as I found him week after week, I’m starting to really get on the Chase bandwagon. Sure, he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed, but it’s not like Ben Higgins was a fucking rocket scientist. (“Should that be my next career move?” -Ben)

Jojo finally comes out to face more ex-boyfriends than anyone should ever have in their lives, and here’s how Luke and Chase are feeling about seeing her:

luke chase

James T. tells her that she’s better than all of the dating apps (LOL). Chad does the opposite of that, and tells her that Robby broke up with his ex to be on the show and Jordan is a fame whore whose own brother won’t speak to him. In my mind he then immediately made finger guns with both hands and mimed blowing them out. Jojo’s not thrilled about what he has to say.

reaction to chad

Now Alex wants to know how Jojo feels about the way they broke up. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say she probably feels nothing.

Vinny’s mom shows up to do some kind of comedy bit about how great Vinny is, and it’s like honey, I don’t even recognize Vinny without his weird hairline so you’re going to need to slow down and then also point him out to me.

vinny hair men tell all

And put your belly button away, Derek. Gross.

Jojo talks to Luke and Chase, and it’s the classic Men Tell All-type shit where they really want closure but she seems like she really DGAF. In like, a nice way though.

We wrap up by watching a blooper reel where Jojo gets mauled by a wild dog.

jojo attacked by dog

Was that supposed to be funny?! Jesus Christ. Terrifying. Next week, Jojo is a hysterical mess! Do they fly Neil Lane to Thailand? I bet they do!!

Read the fantasy suite recap here. Or other ones here

Or read my Twitter feed. It’s kind of silly. 

PS, is this whole special just a round-up of suspected sex predators? More on that at eleven:

sex predator

The Bachelorette Recap: “You’re a Cute Little Gaucho”

goocho bachelorette

Is it me, or is this season of The Bachelorette like a deadbeat father, constantly in and out of our lives without warning? This shit is supposed to be every week and here I am sitting at a fucking bus stop waiting for it to pick me up, not realizing that it’s probably too busy getting a blow job from some waitress named Sherri.

We start by talking about last week’s rose ceremony, which was NOT last week but WEEKS ago, so please stop fucking with my head. Alex is pretty freaked out about the fact that he and James T. both almost went home, but I think once he watches the season back he will find a lot of clarity about it.

Alex gets the first one-on-one and everybody is THRILLED because apparently all he has been doing is bitching about the fact that he HASN’T GOTTEN TIME WITH HER. While on their date they eat Pringles, and here’s Jojo the very moment she realizes she is breaking her fucking Bachelorette diet:

jojo pringles

The rest of the boys take a bus and Robby is wearing his hotel slippers like the WASP-y tool I know him to be.

robby slippers

Oh also? They rap about Alex. They say he’s a tiny human and is probably riding in a side car right now and it’s like wow, guys! Tell us how you really feel! But don’t worry, they also have Alex freestyle to Jojo, because what would this show be without complete and utter embarrassment?

They get to their date destination, and Alex keeps going on and on about how he loves the droopy trees and it’s like ARE YOU FIVE? They’re called weeping willows. Droopy trees. SMH.

The producers make Alex put on this gaucho cowboy outfit and now they’re just fucking with him. He doesn’t do himself any favors by having Jojo twirl him. LEAD, Alex. Lead.

alex gaucho costume

Then they watch a dude make love to his horse. I mean I’m not entirely sure what he’s doing with it, but it looks a LOT like when I’m feeling sexy and my boyfriend is trying to sleep.

horse bachelorette

Alex tries to be romantic but he ruins literally everything by saying, “I’m your goocho.” Sigh. You sure you’re not sexually attracted to him, Jojo? ‘Cause he will totally be your goocho. Under the droopy trees.

Back with the boys, Robby’s hair is freaking me the FUCK out. Like, I have never seen a hairstyle like this and I’m honestly just trying to understand it at this point, ya know?

robby hair bachelorette

It looks like one of those things girls used to buy to create a fake-bump in the top of their hair. You betches know what I mean. The boys stop to eat various meats on the side of the road and Aaron Roger’s brother says he’s a picky eater. Of COURSE he’s a picky eater. He would be.

Over dinner, Alex tells Jojo that he just wants to “crack open a cold one” with her brothers on the hometown date. Sometimes I feel like Alex is just randomly grabbing phrases out of some weird phrase book. I honestly would not be surprised if he reached into his back pocket, opened a small notebook and said, “Don’t cry over spilled milk, ’cause milk is a dime a dozen.”

He tells her that she is falling in love with her and here is her face when he says that:

jojo alex love bachelorette

Not a good sign. She promptly dumps his ass even though there wasn’t even a rose on this date. Girl is just like yeah, I’m gonna walk you out now. Alex is, in a word, stunned.

alex wtf bachelorettealex sad bachelorette

On Aaron Roger’s brother’s date, they fly to a vineyard to stomp grapes, and all I can think about is how much I want him to fall and crack a rib like the Grape Stomp Lady. Sure, that’s a mean thought, but I feel like it would be so fun to watch. I would smile and be like, “Yes. This is great.”

He doesn’t fall, and instead they drink foot wine together. Literally, they drink the grape juice that they have just stepped all over with their grimy ass feet. It is horrifying.

They get in a hot tub after and Aaron Roger’s brother must be feeling pret-ty good about himself, as evident by the shit-eating grin he refuses to wipe off his face.

jordan shit eating grin bachelorette

At dinner he explains how the hometown date will be if he gets to the final four (IF. Ha.) and he finally comes clean about the super awks relationship he has with Aaron Rogers. They like, DON’T TALK, which suddenly makes him way less of a celebrity so she immediately breaks up with him and sends him on his way.

Okay fine. She doesn’t do that! He says he’s in love with her and they make out against a wall, because that is homeboy’s fucking move. Real talk? It was sexy the first time, when the rest of the dudes were on the other side of the wall. But now that I know it’s his “thing,” I’m not into it.

On the 3-on-1 date with James T., Robby and Chase, is it raining like a motherfucker outside, so they just decide to hang out in a hotel room and get their booze on. James T. thinks it is a great idea to have Jojo shove as many French fries as she can into his mouth.

james t french fries.JPGfrench fries gross bachelorette

Enough with the fun/nice card, James. It’s the sexy part you’re missing and this little potato nightmare is NOT HELPING YOU.

Robby is now half naked running down the halls of the hotel, but I honestly don’t give a shit because his hair is so distracting and I hate him.

They’re all having such a fun time, and while they cuddle James feels the need to be snuggling all of them at once, like an adorable puppy at the foot of the bed.

slumberparty

When they get time alone, Jojo learns that Robby and his girlfriend of over three years broke up FOUR MONTHS AGO. Obviously, she is concerned. As she should be. He keeps being like, “No! I’m totally ready for marriage. That relationship is sooo over,” and I feel like in her head she’s like, is it though???

Chase’s time goes pretty well, even though he’s probably the most boring person that has even made it this far on the show. But like, when you’re hot, you’re hot. You get to stay longer.

She and James have the sweetest conversation, but I know he’s a goner. You can have all the qualities someone wants in a husband and father but at the end of the day, she’s got to want to fuck you. It’s just the harsh reality of the world.

Robby gets the rose, and I’m wondering if she doesn’t see his hair bump??

Luke has the final one-on-one, and he is riding horses and shooting guns like a god damn man. Jojo is a Texas girl, okay? She is INTO IT. They barely even show the rest of Luke’s date because it’s like okay we get it, she wants to jump his bowlegged bones until the cows come home (farm jokes, amiright?).

luke bachelorette

We immediately move onto the rose ceremony, and everybody (re: Chase and James T.) are flipping their shit about it. Luke gets the first rose, Aaron Roger’s brother gets the second, and Chase gets the third. Oh, you’re keeping the hot guys? Got it.

James T. is pretty sad about leaving, and what a fuckin’ doll. I am legitimately tearing up as she says goodbye to him. They will be friends one day, guys. Don’t worry. Once he’s over the heart break they will do so many fun friendzone things together.

jojo cry james bachelorettejames t sad bachelorette

Next week is HOMETOWNS, and I cannot wait. I am so excited about this supposed Robby drama that I swear to God if it turns out the editors are toying with my emotions and there ISN’T Robby drama I will light my apartment on fire. Robby has got. To go.

Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here.

It’d be real neat if you’d follow me on Twitter.

Also, I had absolutely nowhere to put this in the recap, but here is the Screengrab Of The Night, presented by Pedigree dog food:

dogs

The Bachelorette Recap: “Do You Want Ice Cream Or Do You Want Steak?”

day at home bachelorette

Is there anything more magical than unpredictable rage on national television? (Being surrounded by puppies who were rescued from a fire, duh.)

Let’s jump right into this pool party. Papa Chris Harrison forces Chad to apologize and he is not great at it. He knows it’s a piss poor effort, but he keeps it movin’ and drinks the most strange colored green juice on the planet. It might be straight Chlorophyll.

chad green juice

Everybody has a great time humping inflatable flamingos and I’m just praying to god they’re all wearing sunblock because you know what’s scarier than Chad? SKIN CANCER.

Speaking of skin, Jojo must have told the producers that she’s attracted to gigantic, horrible tattoos. Every fucking guy in this house is PROUDLY rocking one.

james t tattoo

They all jump in the pool and Evan’s nose immediately starts bleeding, which is exactly what I would expect from him. I bet he’s also allergic to peanuts.

Chad wants to talk to Derek, who is a pretty big dude to be so scared of Chad. Every time they cut to Derek he is bitching about how terrified he is.

derek vs chad bachelorette

Chad is fucking pissed as shit at everybody and basically says KEEP MY NAME OUTCHA MOUTH. He is in a sour ass mood about it but I’d love for him to take a moment and appreciate his surroundings. He is battling unrestrained rage in the most beautiful, picturesque room ever.

chad drinking alone

At the rose ceremony the only thought I have is SLAY, JOJO, SLAY. This fucking crop top number is WORK-ING. I think I’m going to stop eating (after lunch).

jojo sparkly crop top bachelorette

All the dudes are stressing the fuck out about the possibility of Chad getting a rose and they go on and on about how “there are good guys here.” Yeah, good guys she has no interest in boning, ya dorks. Who gives a flying fuck if Nick’s a good guy, he showed up day one in a full on Santa Suit. He’s got. To go.

Alex gets a rose before Chad and he suddenly shoots to the tippity top of Chad’s Kill List.

chad alex bachelorette

We’re down to the final rose, and we all know Chad’s getting it. As he does, I laugh to myself while remembering Evan’s dumb ultimatum. He just immediately caved. GO HOME, EVAN. YOU PROMISED.

Jojo tells the remaining guys to pack their bags! Are they going to Morocco? Turks and Caicos??

pennsylvania

Pennsylvania. Neat. Alex is excited about it, and I hope someone packed him a bologna sandwich and his footie pajamas.

alex slide down banister bachelorette

I mean fuck, Alex. I get that you’re short but you have to at least ACT like a god damn man. You know who I don’t want to marry? The guy who gets to a beautiful suite at a nice resort and immediately slides down the banister. Not sexy.

Luke gets the one-on-one and they go dog sledding. In my head I have already named all of the dogs: Benjamin, Donald, Ricardo, Sasha, Melissa, Trevor, Jacqueline, and Ray.

Now they get into a hot tub in the middle of the forest. I’m worried they’re going to get skeeter bites out there but that’s just me, constantly ruining the vibe. BTW, Luke is looking FINE AS HELL. I don’t know what it is about that quiet motherfucker but he is smokin’ hot.

luke jojo hot tub bachelorette

I mean, that is ideal.

They get to talking and it’s clear as day that war veteran Luke has seen some shit. Like, some real scary shit. Jojo wants to find out more and I wanna be like girl, I don’t know if you do! Once you open Pandora’s box I hear it’s fucking hard to close.

Back at the hotel everyone talks about the possibility of a 2-on-1 date and Alex goes, “I’m not about that life.” I literally hate Alex more than I hate Chad. Science fact: if you use the phrase “not about that life” with 100% seriousness there is a 0% chance you will be welcome in my bed.

In sexy steamy love land, Luke explains that he used to be a lieutenant in Afghanistan and his best friend was killed in the line of duty. What did I tell you? Seen. Some Shit. Jojo is all over him like me on cupcakes:

jojo luke in love

Girl is IN. You know what Luke would never do? Slide down a banister. After dinner she surprises him with ANOTHER private country concert, and when I say private I mean not private.

luke jojo kiss

It’s actually fucking adorable and if I had drank even one glass of wine tonight I would be sobbing hysterically right now. Guys. They’re like, in love already.

On the group date they go to a football field and meet Ben Roethlisberger (took me over five minutes to spell that right). They do some drills, Aaron Roger’s brother is jizzing his pants at the mere thought of the ol’ pigskin, and things start to get competitive.

Suddenly James T. is crying blood. Dude got hit in the face and needs stitches.

james stitches bachelorette

Because everyone in the world is on this group date, the only people left to hang back are Luke, Alex and Chad. Chad explains the logic behind his aggression and how if someone doesn’t stop talking, “the only way I can get you to shut your mouth is to hit you.” Here is Luke’s reaction to that sentence:

luke face bachelorette

Somebody should pass that info along to Jojo so that one day she doesn’t go rambling on about her Sephora haul and suddenly finds herself with a fat lip. Which to be honest, might give her more surface area for the lipstick she got from Sephora!!

Back on the field, Evan feels dangerous.

evan dangerous football

LOL. While Aaron Roger’s brother was “dropping dimes out there” (gag) Evan gets his SECOND nosebleed of the week. Is he an aggressive nose picker, what’s the deal? The blue team wins in overtime and gets more time with her.

At the cocktail party Aaron Roger’s brother is afraid to open up to her, but then he does. Great storyline, guys. A real page turner. He tells her he’s falling for her and subsequently gets the rose.

And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for, the 2-on-1. Before they go, Chad asks who has a problem with him and they all raise their hands. Chad calls Alex a whiny little bitch and asks him if he wants to go outside. Then GRANT calls CHAD a coward, and Chad asks GRANT if he wants to go outside. Chad sure does invite a lot of people outside. I mean look, maybe he just loves the outdoors and wants to play a round of corn hole.

chad go outside bachelorette

Apparently I’m wrong, because the next thing I know Chad walks up to Aaron Roger’s brother and goes, “You think this is a show? You’re safe for now, but one day this ends. When this ends, you go home. When you go home, you think I can’t find you?” I am screaming at my TV. Literally screaming.

Meanwhile Alex gets ready for the date by putting on what I assume are his lucky USA socks.

USA socks bachelorette

So many nopes with Alex. All of the nopes. Also, observation: 99% of The Bachelorette is just dudes sitting closer to each other than they’re comfortable with.

too close couch bachelorette

Wells says that there is terror surrounding this date and right he is! Alex and Chad immediately get into a helicopter and I’ll tell ya right now there is no way in hell I would get into a helicopter with Chad. I am honestly SHOCKED he didn’t shove Alex out of it.

They meet Jojo in the woods and go on a hike. Of course right away the Bachelor producers give Chad a machete and Alex a hatchet, just to make things interesting.

This date is awkward. They sit on a blanket and Chad talks about floating down rivers.

2 on 1 date bachelorette alex chad

Jojo chats with Alex, who obviously rats Chad out immediately. Although I fucking hate Alex, he is a genius for telling Jojo that her beloved Aaron Roger’s brother was threatened.

Jojo asks Chad if he threatened Aaron Roger’s brother and he goes, “I mean, it’s…” which is never a good way to start an answer. He doesn’t know what to tell you, Jojo! He may have said something to that effect but they were all PUSHING, PUSHING. Jojo is basically like what the actual fuck are you talking about.

chad hike bachelorette

Chad whistles as he walks back towards Alex, which is exactly what a serial killer does before chopping someone into a million pieces.

The two of them are now in the most asinine conversation I have ever heard in my life. Chad goes, “Life ain’t all about blueberries and paper airplanes,” and then suddenly they’re arguing about milk. Once I finally get a grasp on the milk convo, they’ve moved on to Alex saying, “Hay’s in the barn” and Chad replying with, “Pigs are in the castle.”

Am I watching Drinking Out Of Cups or something? Did they eat shrooms off camera on this fucking hike?? What the shit is going on.

Alex gets the rose because obviously Chad is going to murder everyone in the house if he stays. Personally, I’d like to see both of these fools leave. Chad peaces out and walks through the woods in complete darkness.

chad woods dark bachelorette

News travels back to the house about Chad’s departure and wow, dez boyz are CELEBRATING. They toastin’, they party poppin’, they drankin’.

boys celebrate bachelorettedrankin bachelorette

It feels like the episode is about to end on the ultimate high note of an 80s-style freeze frame, but suddenly CHAD IS KNOCKING ON THE FUCKING DOOR. I am freaking out right now and am positive that I will have nightmares for the rest of the week.

chad knocks on door bachelorette

Thankfully The Bachelorette would never end on such a chilling moment, because they actually leave us with Canadian Daniel attempting to mount Evan.

daniel mounting evan bachelorette

Tune in in TWO WEEKS (all of the sads) to see what the FUCK Chad is doing at the front door. I may be going out on a limb here, but I think he came back to get his phone charger. No? Hm.

Read Monday night’s recap here. Or the rest of them here

Follow me on Twitter, but only if you want to.