Before I can get to the real nitty gritty of tonight’s dry shampoo-fueled circus, let me start by giving a round of applause to BIP bartender/Sarah Hyland’s boyfriend Wells Adams for appearing in the Puppy Bowl yesterday. (I’m sure you ALL knew that already, since you of COURSE watch the Puppy Bowl every year.)
EH-KNEE-WAY, they’re in Paris and Arie may or may not have a hickey on his Adam’s apple. Well, his Arie’s apple.
Boy, time flies when you’re just trying to get through each tiring, torturous day, doesn’t it? I’m kidding. (Am I?)
Last we left these noodles, DeMario was AT the mansion. He needed to talk to Rachel, and he needed to talk to her BAD!!!! So she walks up and he shakes her hand, which is both awkward and terrible.
DeMario comes clean about not being honest with her at the basketball court, and after a long ass conversation with his Uber driver (who I’m sure moments later deleted his app, burned his phone, put the ashes into an urn, flew them to the Serengeti and scattered them over a pile of giraffe shit), DeMario has realized he really fucked himself and his shot at love with Rachel.
“Oh, like this?”
Magic!
FIRE UP THE ROSÉ.
who is sam jarvis 