GUYS, WHOA. WHOA. Let me just start by saying Welcome Back, Me!! I was gone for two weeks (living my god damn LIFE, okay?) and when I got back I said to myself, “Oh, joy! I have two episodes of Bachelor in Paradise to watch!” But y’all know where this is going. I curl up on the couch with my rosé (basic betch, party of one), pull up my DVR, and I MISSED FOUR FUCKING EPISODES OF THIS SHIT?!

Like seriously, ABC. Some of us have jobs and families and stuff. Laundry to do. Things to accomplish besides watching eight hours of beach garbage in the span of two weeks. That being said, mama was excited. And while I’m not going to recap all the episodes I missed, as promised I am here to deliver the ABRIDGED, VERY SPEEDY version before we move on.

The season opens on Chris Harrison admitting that yep, there was a sexual assault scandal, except he doesn’t say sexual assault scandal, he says drama because it sounds more THEATRICAL! And also less rapey.

But Jack Stone is here, and so is Lacey, who does a spot on impression of me any time I’m about to eat lunch at an outdoor patio.

If you think I don’t slather SPF 50+ Kids onto my body almost every day you’re way fucking off. They don’t call me Sam Reapplying Sunscreen Jarvis for nothing.

Robbie is also here, and he’s apparently tucking his hair behind his ear now?

I don’t like it and his teeth are new and it’s all very alarming to me and I’m scared.

Last season’s happy couple Carly and Evan get married in Paradise to distract everyone from DeMario and Corinne’s pool-eating-out-maybe-only-semi-consensual-tabloid-shit-storm, and they refer to all of their wedding guests as “bachelor royalty” which for some reason makes me smile warmly.

But okay, so this DeMario and Corinne thing. Everything seems fine, they’re drunkenly hooking up and everyone is laughing about it, but the next day suddenly it’s not fine and all the cameras are gone and everyone has to leave the beach and I assume eat dinner at an airport Sbarro.

Weeks later they all come back to paradise, sans DeMario and Corinne, and Chris Harrison has to sit down and talk to them about sex and how to tell if someone actually wants to bone you. (I’d also like to take this time to say that I find it extremely ironic that DeMario was blowing a god damn rape whistle all day before this Corinne shit went down. Just an observation.)

Thankfully Bachelor Nation moves past the scandal with grace and dignity (I kid) and it’s now time for Jasmine to take Matt on a date where he dresses in drag.

I love it. Then former bartender turned tour guide Jorge leads Diggy and Lacey through their date, showing them the spot on the beach where he was conceived.

There is no way in actual fucking hell that’s true and TV is a complete lie, folks. It’s all a lie.

Oh, did you think we were done discussing the SCANDAL? Nope. Chris Harrison sits DeMario down for a one on one to set the record straight about what happened and why he was crucified for this shit, and they very conveniently skirt around the fact that reality TV encourages blacked out sex to boost ratings and that this is 100% ABC’s fault. 🙂

…And that’s pretty much it! All I missed in 8 fucking hours of television that I just binge-watched for you so I could recap the new episode. (I’m pretty sure I’m now old and gray and barren and my husband is going to divorce me.)

SO! On to tonight. Alexis plays a game with Jack Stone called, “What dat mouf do tho,” which I thought was when you put someone’s dick in your mouth, but apparently they play it with crabs and peach rings dipped in hot sauce.

If you think you’re lost, wait until you hear my friend Jordan explain the phrase, “Right in front of my salad?” to me. You will feel one million years old in NO time. (Am I making any sense at all? Like I’m still at least constructing sentences okay, right? Even if they have no meaning?)

Basically Jack is pissed that Alexis tried to put a dead crab into his mouth while he was blindfolded and I can’t say I blame him because dead sea animals carry like, one billion diseases. Bleh. Meanwhile Jasmine comes on a little strong for Matt, who physically recoils whenever she crawls on top of him.

Christen arrives at paradise, and she thinks people remember her as being the virgin on Nick’s season, but I only remember her being a fucking snitch about the one girl who fucked Nick at JADE AND TANNER’S WEDDING. What was her name, that crazy girl? Either way Christen ratted her out and THAT, my dear, is what I remember you for.

Christen talks to some guys, and Matt straight up finds her and is like welp, I know people say I’m with Jasmine but I’m SO. NOT. So of course she asks him on a date, and Jasmine is so insanely irked by it that she aggressively eats French fries until she can no longer take it anymore.

She then runs through paradise screaming shit like, “YOU WANT GOOD TV, ABC? WHERE IS SHE?!” It’s coming off, well, poorly. Let’s just say if I were playing a drinking game about the number of times she calls Christen slimy I would be barfing up noodles. (I ate pasta for dinner, okay? Only god can judge me, and he isn’t even real.)

All the girls watch in horror as Jasmine strings together statements of aggression with no use of punctuation or logic of any kind.

Jasmine is starting to become… unhinged. She keeps comparing Christen to a snake and a snake to Satan and she is one white-board covered in red arrows away from being a full on Da Vinci code psycho about Christen and Matt’s stupid fucking bikini date.

Christen and Matt come back from said date, and Jasmine literally pounces on him.

She forces him to kiss her, and I am SO HORRIFIED that I am gasping LOUDLY at my TV and pouring myself more wine in the hopes that it will make all of this go away.

Alexis’s take is that, “Jasmine is not okay.”

But now we get to the meat of the issue. Well, the shellfish. More specifically, the scallops. Everybody is calling Christen SCALLOP FINGERS and I am like nope, wait, what the fuck is going on, back the fuck up.

Alexis explains that one time they were all in a van together driving to a nightclub (If I’m ever in a van driving to a nightclub please lay a spike strip down so I can die very unpeacefully, bleeding out slowly in excruciating pain.) and in this fucking club van, Christen took leftover dinner scallops out of her purse and ate them and then licked her fingers and then touched Alexis’s shoulder and then Alexis’s shoulder smelled like scallops and now they call her Scallop Fingers.

UM, EXCUSE ME???????

Here is the thing. That is a gross story, I’ll give you that. But Alexis, Jasmine, and now Amanda and Sarah are being complete fucking BITCHES right now. They are just laughing and laughing and making fun of her behind her back about the god damn scallops and it is some fucking brutal mean girl shit.

Nobody’s laughing about your disgusting long ass extensions, Amanda, and they are truly worth making fun of.

Meanwhile Christen eats a piece of shrimp and it sends Sarah and Amanda into another Scallop Finger Giggle Fit and although I do appreciate the comedy in the phrase “scallop fingers,” they have suddenly become the popular girls in middle school and it is not a good look, ladies!

I fucking dare you to laugh at me while I eat shrimp with my hands. I can’t even imagine how many Fab Fit Fun boxes you’d have to hock on Instagram to be able to afford a shrimp dinner.

But let’s switch gears, because I’m getting off topic and frankly kind of mean. Robbie has been desperately trying to court Amanda, and he keeps attempting to kiss her and she just KEEPS rejecting him. It’s really amazing to watch.

Then paradise darlings Taylor and Derek get into a heated fight because Derek got frustrated and said, “Fuck you” to her. Ooooo, child. You done did it. Taylor is NOT THE ONE and is like well, I need someone who can verbally communicate their feelings without jumping to insulting superciliousness and Derek is basically like HUH?? while he scratches his balls and blinks at her.

At the pre-rose cocktail party there are several love triangles brewing: Adam/Raven/Sarah, Dean/Kristina/Danielle, and Diggy/Lacey/Dominique.

Diggy pulls Lacey aside and is about to tell her what we know is coming, but Lacey goes on and on about how upset she is that Diggy went on a date with Dominique 60 minutes after their date ended, until Diggy is finally like cool story, bro, I pulled you aside to tell you I’m not giving you my rose.

She doesn’t love it. Meanwhile Dean and Kristina talk on a GIANT AZTEC COUCH.

Jesus Christ! That’s a big fucking couch. So while they sit and discuss them, Dean furiously stress-rubs his earlobes.

And eventually they kiss:

But then he kisses Danielle:

Make up ya damn mind, Deanie Baby!

It’s Robbie’s time to shine, so he talks to Amanda and reminds her of all the things he did for her last night, which was basically getting a PA to run out and buy glow sticks. To his credit he did snap all of them HIMSELF, which is not easy. (It is easy.)

It appears that third try’s the charm for ol’ crazy hair Robbie, because he finally gets to kiss Amanda on the mouth even though I’m still not sure she’s into it. He then pulls away and says, “There she is,” and I hear myself say, “Ew,” out loud to my television.

Derek says I’m sowwy to Taylor and she accepts his apology, while Jasmine tries to explain to Matt that it was perfectly normal for her to be a “little jealous” of Christen and his date. Baby. A little jealous? You lost your damn marbles! They’re somewhere buried deep in the sand and you’ll never be able to find them again! They gone!

I know this, you know this, Matt knows this, and so he’s out. He straight up leaves paradise before the rose ceremony and I kind of love him for it. He’s like nah, bye. So who suddenly has the power over these women? You guessed it: JACK STONE!!!

The girls lay it on thick, but Christen does the best job and out of fucking nowhere they are open mouth kissing.

But an episode of paradise couldn’t be over until Canadian Daniel randomly shows up before a rose ceremony, right?? Right! Daniel shows up and this shit is To Be Continued…

Tuesday’s episode promises kisses and tears and Daniel and CORINNE sitting down for a one on one. High highs and low lows.

Read any of my other 12 billion recaps here. 

Bonus thought: They need to stop ONLY showing footage of Ben Z. talking about his dog because it’s making him look like a fool and it’s getting just ridiculous at this point.