We’ve somehow made it to the highly anticipated Women Tell All episode, and let me tell you these women better spill the god damn TEA about each other, because this season has been super fucking boring so far and I’d like to feel the familiar tingle of some dark twisted bachelor dramz fresh off the press. (Longest sentence ever? Maybe!)

Also, why don’t I get invited to these Women Tell All thingys? I live in LA! They probably film it around the corner from my fucking house and yet I get no invitation. Is it because I called Arie a dweeb? Ugh, fine.

So here we are, with all the Arie rejects in stadium seating, ready to grill that motherfucker. But the first person Chris Harrison introduces… I have literally never seen before in my life.

Who is that?! Like fine, I get it, not everybody gets face time on the show. But maybe don’t have her be the FIRST person we see tonight. For a split second I was like wait, is this the wrong recording?

Anyway we dive right into it by taking a vote, and it turns out that #GlamShaming totally IS a thing. Very, VERY glad we cleared that up so I can cross it off my List Of Things That Give Me Night Terrors.

Krystal’s in the hot seat first, and gets straight up booed. I will however say that I’m very into her necklace layering game.

But suddenly, as I’m Googling “dainty gold chokers,” Caroline starts fucking screaming at Krystal for calling everyone sluts or desperate or something, I don’t even know, and Krystal’s chest gets a little splotchy.

Ah, the stress splotchies. I know ‘em well, girl! Is it possible to be screamed at and NOT break out into hives? (Seriously, I should WebMD that.)

Basically Krystal does NOT apologize for being a raging biyotch, and truthfully I’m enjoying everything she’s saying. Like sure, she was rude and annoying as fuck and if I had to live in a house with her I’d scream at her too. HOWEVER, those betches were totally being desperate and I’m sure I would have had a similar inner monologue as Krystal, I would just have the sense to keep it an INNER monologue and not an OUTER, ON CAMERA monologue.

Seinne talks to Chris next, and I’m very confused by her dress.

It might be pulling her down by the neck. That’s what it looks like and it worries me and causes me anxiety. ANYWHO! She says she’s dating but single, and the way Chris is asking her about it with that WINK WINK tone makes me feel like girl is 100% going to be on Bachelor in Paradise.

Now it’s Bekah’s turn on the couch, and we finally discuss the missing person thing.

I thought this whole time that her mom filed a missing person’s report because Bekah was off filming the show and didn’t have a phone on her, but TURNS OUT it was way after the show, and she was just camping in a marijuana farm for a week without cell service and her mom tweaked.

LOL. I love that she thought she could marry a boring ass homebody when she does things like go camping for a week in a random farm, high as a god damn kite. I’m all for it, babe, but I can’t see him coming with. (“I don’t feel well…” –Arie, stoned as shit and freaking out, rolling back and forth in a tiny ball in a tent somewhere)

They also announce that she’ll be on Bachelor in Paradise, which I’m all for. You know what you can wear on BIP? Tons of FUN EARRINGS!! Bekah loves fun earrings.

Now Tia has to talk to Chris, and it’s very hard for her.

She’s still upset and heart broken about Arie. So Chris of course asks, “But are you ready to find love again?” and I can’t believe the next words out of his mouth aren’t, “ON THIS SHOW NEXT SEASON, WHEN YOU WILL BE THE BACHELORETTE?? HMMMM???? TIA?” That is how fucking obvious he just made that.

Ah, but now what we’ve all been waiting for. The precious final half hour of the Tell All, when Arie has to come out and face all of these women who have TONS of stupid questions for him that he is supposed to dodge like he’s a PR specialist and not someone who just drives in a fucking circle for a living.

He sits down on the couch, and I’m super ready for Tia or maybe even a Bibiana to start talking, but suddenly Caroline just goes, “SO. I KNOW WHAT YOU DID. AND I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THAT.”

Then she just STARES at him and I’m like yaaaaas!! This is what I’ve been waiting for, jerks! Finally some fucking SPARK in this season! What’d he do! What’d he do!!

He is, in a word, uncomfortable.

That is a tense seated position if I’ve ever seen one.

He nods, and just says that we’ll all watch it play out. Mhm, yes, good. I was worried he was just going to pick Becca and the show would end and I would officially start writing letters to ABC about the rage I have that I watched 40 million hours of this show without Peter in it. But this, THIS, makes me feel like maybe it was all worth it.

OH and for the record, Bekah seems to also know what Arie did.

Krystal then wants to sit on the couch with him, because she just feels like the way he sent her home was very cold.

He of course, in that catty ass way he talks sometimes, explains that he feels like it was totally deserved. The crowd of course roars with applause, and I’m surprised Ricki Lake doesn’t come walking out going, “You go, girl!”

Anyway so he basically tells Krystal that watching it back, he realized that she was awful. She has no response. It’s great.

We then get into a blooper reel and let me tell you, Sam Jarvis LOVES a mother fucking blooper reel. I could watch nothing but blooper reels all day for the rest of my life. But this one is especially neat, because it’s here we learn about Arie’s MURRs.

Every time he messes up what he’s saying he goes MURRR and it’s honestly alarming and weird and I don’t even know if I’ve fully processed it yet. He’s not terribly thrilled they’ve made a MURR supercut, but I give him props for laughing it off.

Then something TERRIBLE happens, which is that John Cena, Leslie Mann and Ike Barinholtz are suddenly sitting on the couch, plugging a movie that looks terrible.

Guys, no. I’m not watching a clip. I’m fast forwarding through it, because I cannot be bought and I will not watch commercials just because you’ve tried to hide them in the Women Tell All. NO!

Finally we get a sneak peak of the drama that unfolds in the next two weeks, and I swear to you something so fucking weird is going to happen. Remember when they kept showing Lauren be silent on dates, like they had ZERO chemistry, until all of a sudden he told her he was falling deeply in love with her? I haven’t be able to shake that. It was so fucking weird, and I think it has a lot to do with what’s coming. Is he picking one girl and making the ol’ switcheroo???? Oh, and let’s also get to the bottom of this weird southern ex-boyfriend that just randomly shows up in PERU unprompted. Sure, Bachelor producers. Suuuuuuuure.

Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here. 

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