Bachelor In Paradise recap: “I Got To Really Take All Of Derek In Last Night”

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Let me start this Bachelor in Paradise finale with a little preamble (“More like a pre-RAMBLE!”–You guys). I need to shout out my friend Desiree and give her a formal very public THANK YOU because this bitch texted me earlier today and was like, “IT’S THE FINALE TONIGHT BUT WHAT THE FUCK IT SAYS THERE’S AN NFL GAME ON??!” I’m paraphrasing her exact words, but you get my point. So I go into full blown panic mode until I can find what god damn channel this shit is playing on and you know what? It WASN’T SET TO RECORD on the new channel. I mean, whoa, guys. WHOA. That was close.

So back in paradise, Chris Harrison has just informed everyone that it’s their last day here and if they don’t see a real relationship with someone they should probably GTFO. Also Robby’s tank top is real, real bad.

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Bachelor in Paradise recap: “So I’m Left With The Scraps?”

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I’m tired, are you tired? I’d love to go to bed but OH THERE IS MORE BACHELOR IN PARADISE TO WATCH. Maybe someday, years from now, I’ll go to sleep at a reasonable hour, no longer a slave to my television. Probably not, but maybe.

So Canadian Daniel is here, and that of course makes Lacey perk the fuck up, because she’s been waiting for this fool to show up for days. She explains to Daniel that the only girls left who aren’t spoken for are herself, Christen, and Jasmine, and Daniel says, AND I QUOTE, “So I’m left with the scraps?”

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Bachelor in Paradise recap: “Scallop Fingers”

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GUYS, WHOA. WHOA. Let me just start by saying Welcome Back, Me!! I was gone for two weeks (living my god damn LIFE, okay?) and when I got back I said to myself, “Oh, joy! I have two episodes of Bachelor in Paradise to watch!” But y’all know where this is going. I curl up on the couch with my rosé (basic betch, party of one), pull up my DVR, and I MISSED FOUR FUCKING EPISODES OF THIS SHIT?!

Like seriously, ABC. Some of us have jobs and families and stuff. Laundry to do. Things to accomplish besides watching eight hours of beach garbage in the span of two weeks. That being said, mama was excited. And while I’m not going to recap all the episodes I missed, as promised I am here to deliver the ABRIDGED, VERY SPEEDY version before we move on.

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The Bachelor recap: “I Might Be White But I’m Still A Minority” + Women Tell All

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Guys. Grab a snack, pour a beverage,  and try to pee, because we are about to settle in for a three hour Bachelor event®, which is longer than I attend most real-life events.

We jump right into the morning-after phase of Raven’s overnight date, and if you’re wondering whether or not he gave her the first orgasm of her sad life, she summarizes the night by explaining that, “Nick is pretty good at what he does, so I’m satisfied.”

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I immediately hear myself say ew, while my boyfriend goes, “That lacked subtlety,” before standing up and leaving the room for what I assume will be forever.

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The Bachelor recap: “I’ve Never Had An Orgasm Before”

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BTW, here’s my Oscars recap in two words: SHIT STORM!

We last left off in Nick’s hotel room before the rose ceremony, where Andi Dorfman had suddenly shown up at his door. They both need a whisky, as we all do when we are about to talk to someone we boned on television.

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Meanwhile the girls are standing outside waiting for this fool and it looks cold as shit. (“You better be worth this, Nick!” –Vanessa, who has been very complain-y lately)

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The Bachelor recap: “I’ll Hate You If You Break Her Heart”

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GUYS!! HOMETOWNS!! Let me start by saying that the thought of my parents sitting in a bachelor confessional talking about the love I have for a person I have known for six weeks is HIGHLY SUSPECT, but I love me a good fucking hometown so LET US BEGIN.

We left off in Bimini with Christina’s ass being sent home. The girls are all shook as hell, and when Nick comes to talk to them about what’s happening, Corinne literally can’t even.

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The Bachelor recap: “My Heart Is Gold But My Vagine Is Platinum”

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Let me take this time to thank each and every one of you who heard the VIRAL NEWS that Rachel is going to be the next Bachelorette, and then immediately texted or e-mailed me to congratulate me on being so fucking right. Because who guessed weeks ago that she was going to be the first black Bachelorette? Oh, that’s right-

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Damn, it feels good to be a gangster.

We left off last week with Nick crying and crying and crying. He had the most major case of le sads ever, because what if he can’t find his wife on this television show? WHERE, oh where, in the city of Los Angeles will he find someone who shares the same interests as him, such as being on a television show?

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The Bachelor recap: “Don’t You Dare Overlook Me”

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HOW BOUT THAT SUPER BOWL, HUH? THEY REALLY THREW THE FUCK OUT OF THAT BALL.

We left off in Bachelorland (Please God aka Chris Harrison, make that a theme park) at THE DINNER, with Taylor showing up after getting some weird healing shit done to her in the god damn swap, now ready to open a can of Diet Whoop Ass on Corinne.

The other girls POW WOW about it, and they are all sitting way too close together on the couch.

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I cannot touch arms or thighs with someone sitting on a couch with me. The mere thought of it makes me aggressively crack open another beer to calm my nerves/fuel my growing alcoholism.

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The Bachelor recap: “Tastes Like Victory”

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I just want you guys to know that so far I have written 6,296 words about this season of the bachelor. Okay, now 6,304. That is roughly 25 pages of a book. I could’ve been TWENTY FIVE PAGES into the next great American novel but noooo, gotta make you noodles laugh and laugh.

ANYWHO, we left off last week with Corinne and Taylor battling it out while snuggling under a shared throw blanket. Taylor tries to explain what Emotional Intelligence is and Corinne is like welp, everybody thinks you’re a bitch. Corinne 1, Taylor 0.

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