If I were wearing a Bachelor mood ring right now, I’m guessing it would say I’m feeling very MEH. That’s a mood, right? I think the color is citron. MEH in the sense that I’m angry at Arie, I’m angry at Chris Harrison, and I’m angry at ABC.
So Chris Harrison stands here in front of an audience and says he’s still trying to process the finale, and I’m just so mad at him! Oh, you’re trying to process that super fucked up thing you did, where you tricked someone and aired it on TV? K. Take all the fucking time you need.
We kick things off by of course reliving the sinking ship that was this season, in particular Monday night’s finale when Arie proposed to Becca then ground her heart up into tiny particles so small that you can’t even see them with the naked eye.
ANYWHO! Arie leaves Becca, and seems to be feeling more than fine about it. Not a single god damn tear of empathy.
He’s a sociopath.
He heads over to ol’ Lauren’s place, and she greets him with the BIGGEST hug and I immediately hear myself say, “Ew” for already the fifth time tonight.
They sit down and she has questions for him before she’ll take him back, even though we all know she’s going to take his ass back because of the aforementioned huge hug. She then proceeds smile while telling him how much he broke her heart.
Maybe they’re BOTH sociopaths, ya know??
Arie needs to explain himself a little bit here, so he just starts SPEWING bullshit like he’s some sort of volcano science project of deceit. He just goes on and on about how he was totally honest with Becca and how he never really liked her, and it’s just CRAZY to me. At one point she asks him if he felt happy and confident with Becca when he proposed and he literally doesn’t answer the question. Just skirts around that shit. Has this whole season been a sequel to The Disaster Artist? Jesus.
Back with the studio audience, Chris hosts a panel of Arie’s scorned lovers to get their hot take on this pile of steaming garbage.
And in a definitely NOT shocking NOT turn of events, Bekah M. is still wearing insane earrings.
We get it, you have short hair! Throw in a stud every once in awhile, I promise it’ll look good.
Becca comes out looking fine as hell, and I’m glad she’s in a Fuck You dress.
Chris immediately asks Becca’s OPINION on how the show handled the finale, and she explains that once she saw it all back, she was okay with the fact that it was filmed. Umm, no she fucking wasn’t. You know what’s happening here? These fucks at ABC sat down with her and were like Heyyyyyyyyyy so if ya wanna be the Bachelorette, ya gotta make it seem like we didn’t do the most fucked up thing ever to you last night! Copy? And she was like ugh, fine.
Now Arie comes out to face her, and I’m positive he got booed but we can’t hear it because THEY’RE PLAYING VERY LOUD ENTRANCE MUSIC FOR HIM RIGHT NOW! I see you, Bachelor. You can’t get shit past me.
Becca has a ton of questions, mostly WHY?!?! But really what she wants to get to the bottom of, is why he was being a shady mcgrady about talking to Lauren. (Btw I read an article yesterday that explained that Becca found out he was still interested in Lauren because he was Liking Lauren’s Instagram photos. LOL what a dummy!) Anyway so he literally responds by being like, “Well you were working a lot…”
Kendall can’t even look at him right now.
Also I’d like to point out that they are spending 80% of this After the Rose defending the fact that they aired Becca’s break up, and I’m honestly getting really fucking over it. You cannot convince me for one second that what they did wasn’t FUCKED UP AS HELL and that Arie is the devil incarnate. I’m sorry, but you can’t. Y’all fucked up. It’s inexcusable.
Then Chris mentions for a THIRD time how much heat he’s taking from Bachelor Nation. When I say he I mean Chris, not Arie. Like, YA BRO, you were fucking savage last night and the second you heard Arie wanted to dump Becca on camera you should’ve been like, “Sure go do that, get the camera crew, but I’m not gonna be filmed talking to you about it because it’s going to look fucking super duper bad if I do.” But nope! He didn’t do that. He ran right into that burning house, no fire hose in sight.
Arie then says to the audience that, “It’s easy to sit on the couch and judge.” HA! Babe, no it’s not. Do you know how much veggie dip I’ve stress eaten in the last two days? It’s like, entirely made of sour cream. 😦
Now Lauren’s out here with him, and they seem very happy even though the entire audience is sitting there like, MMmmmmm ARE we happy for them??
Nobody even knows what to do or say or if they’re even supposed to clap.
And of course Arie just can’t resist getting down on one knee and proposing to Lauren. Bekah is really not sure how she feels about it.
Is Arie giving her a headache? Are her earrings? Nobody knows!
Now engaged, they finally leave the stage and it’s time to announce the next bachelorette. And guess who it is?! You’ll never fucking guess. It’s BECCA!!
Wait, you did guess that? Okay. And it’s starting RIGHT NOW!! I don’t know why Chris Harrison is pretending like that concept is new, because they literally did the exact same thing with Rachel last year.
So Becca meets the first five dudes for her season, and one guy who plays the banjo is obviously a frontrunner. Hello, quirky charming man!
Becca’s season of the Bachelorette premieres on May 28th, so mark your calendars, folks. As for me, I’ll be hibernating until then. I’ve consumed all the dips and snacks and rosé I possibly can, and now I’m fat and tired and ready to sleep for the next three months. I wrote over 15,000 words about Arie God Damn Luyendyk Jr., and that feels like MORE THAN ENOUGH.
Thank you all for reading these insane ramblings every fucking week. I hope they’ve made you laugh. After all, laughter is the best medicine (when Arie’s made you nauseous).