You know what I said as soon as I pressed PLAY on my DVR last night? “Oh snap, we in Tuscany.” Yes, I’m known to be very observant. (Also, starving all the time.)
So the gal palz are in Italia and their first stop is Pisa, where Lauren B. immediately asks why the leaning tower of Pisa leans. Um, I bet there’s a fucking sign somewhere real close to where you’re standing that could answer that for ya. You know those museum plaques that are boring and have all the info? Check those.
This week there are three one on ones and one group date, but no rose ceremony. Also, the roses this week will decide who’s going to hometowns, and I’m suddenly feeling like this has all been very RUSHED. I mean, more than the normal “let’s get engaged after six weeks of knowing each other while you also fall for other people” rushed. Weren’t there like, twelve girls last week? Hm.
Becca K. gets the first one on one, and Arie keeps shouting Italian phrases like, “Ciao!” and “Buongiorno!” all around the town. It’s embarrassing. They also have a picnic, and I’ll be honest it’s boring as fuck.
Becca K. seems like a nice person who is NORMAL which is great, but man. Their dates are snoozefests!
Later they talk about who he’d meet on her hometown, and we learn all about her mom’s boyfriend Tim, Uncle Gary, the whole gang! Arie then tells her he’s falling for her, which as we know is not a phrase people actually use in real life to determine where their relationship is, but rather is a Bachelor Nation term (can be found in the back of their glossary) that means, “I like you a whole lot!”
Back at the hotel, Jacqueline is tripping balls. Basically, really smart people just can’t be on this show because they get in their own heads and are like wait, I know this is fun, but how will this actually WORK? And ya know what, the bitch is right. She’s got 6 years of school left, he’s going to stay in his weird house in Scottsdale that’s devoid of any personal effects, and it’s just not going to work.
So she visits his hotel room in a nervous panic and proceeds to tell him she’s leaving, while also making out with him like a psycho and chugging wine.
It’s fine, everyone’s okay here.
Jacqueline is outtie, y’all. Which makes Kendall hysterically sob, and Bekah M. say things like, “I have doubts about being here too, lol!” which Tia does NOT like hearing.
Lauren B. gets the next one on one date, and everything feels very weird and ominous because she just got a one on one date LAST week.
THEN they show her wheeling her luggage to the front door before the date, and I’m positive she’s going home. That’s. The. Rule.
They are just going to bike around this little town today, which seems adorable and like a very normal date, but then this happens?
Yeah, I don’t know what to say about it either.
They also eat gelato and play pick up soccer, and I’ll tell ya what, a nice round of pick up soccer with some local townschildren is RIGHT up ABC’s alley. Those producers fucking get off to a pick up game with locals.
But that night as they’re sitting at dinner, Lauren says that she’s falling in love with him and his expression is, well, puzzled.
I’m already shouting, “Bye, babe!” at my television, because they have shown quite literally zero chemistry between these two noodles all season.
But then Arie just STANDS UP and is like, BRB. Yep, he full on walks away into the woods.
I’m like, tha fuck? My friend Jordan sitting to my right is like, tha fuck? My friend Ciara sitting to my left is like, tha fuck? He comes back several minutes later, sits down, and as he’s giving her the rose tells her he’s falling “so, so deeply in love with” her.
Like, no. Stop. Let me get this fucking straight, because it took Jordan, Ciara and I almost ten minutes of DEEP DISCUSSION to get to the juicy center of this shit. So you’re telling me that Arie has been having an AMAZING time with Lauren B and is straight up deeply in love with her, but he might not end up with her so they’ve been totally downplaying their love so the other betch who wins doesn’t go fucking crazy on Arie’s ass? That’s what’s making the most sense to us. And he left the table because as soon as she said she is falling in love with him he was like I WANNA SAY IT BACK!! But didn’t know if he was allowed to and so like a fucking child, he had to go off to a producer and ask permission and make sure it was aight if he said it. (Boom, you’re welcome for that FLAWLESS BREAKDOWN OF EVENTS.)
At this point I’m just like, shocked. You think you know a franchise, ya know? You think you know the rules. And then they’re like MUAHAHA NAH YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT, BITCH. That’s how I feel right now.
So like what the fuck do I know, I guess she’s NOT silent and boring and he isn’t about to send her plain ass home! He cannot stop smiling and his eyes are like darting around in happiness and he’s acting a damn fool. It’s crazy.
Seinne gets the third one on one, and Seinne has like, QUITE a lot to live up to at this point. I’m obviously concerned for her. Their day activity is digging for truffles with some truffle dogs, which makes me very happy.
They start by asking Seinne if she knows what truffles are, and although I don’t HEAR her say it, I think her inner monologue was saying, “I went to Yale, guys. I know what a fucking truffle is.” So anyway they dig up these truffles, and then go eat with some rando Italian family who makes them truffle pasta.
Look, I don’t know how many of you know this about me, but I would happily eat pasta every day for every meal of my life. I’m positive I could do it. So this date is very ideal for me, minus the part where they have to fucking talk to strangers.
That night, Seinne keeps saying how much she likes Arie and he’s kind of like, “Yeah…” which is never a good sign. In fact, it’s a bad sign. He sends her home.
Did you want to see everyone’s reaction when a PA grabs her luggage, signaling her demise on this television program? Here it is:
The next day is the three on one group date, and because Seinne got kicked to the curb there are TWO roses with THREE girls. Yikes.
They meet in some huge garden and Arie makes them walk four football fields to get to him.
They’re waving at him for possibly four minutes before they get within hugging distance.
Anyway so there are two roses here, but I’ll give you one hint as to which of these trays I’m more interested in:
Arie talks to Kendall first, and then to Tia. Tia, who is just super fucking mad at this point that Bekah kind of, “Wants to go home lol!” (not a direct quote), tells Arie that she is worried Bekah isn’t ready for marriage.
Ugh. Look I love you, Tia. I think you’ll make a great bachelorette. But Jesus Christ. Who gives a fuck if she’s ready for marriage?
But now Arie is going to talk to Bekah and before he does, Tia tells her what she said about her. Man oh man, it makes Bekah sad.
Bekah has had too much champs today, is my thought on this. She is just crying and crying and crying in her random fucking peasant outfit.
She talks to Arie about it, who tries to calm her down by stroking his own hand.
I swear to God, he is lightly caressing his own hand in this scene and I have rewound the footage no fewer than five times to enjoy it all over again. It’s so silly.
Kendall gets the first group date rose because she’s chill as fuck, but now she gets kicked off the date and it becomes a two on one.
The tension is THICK, but Bekah feels like Arie can really “see her,” so I guess that’s good? She literally looks up at him like he’s her dad and it freaks me out to my core.
Apparently it freaks Arie out too, because she’s out. He picks Tia, and escorts a shell-shocked Bekah to a van.
Next week is hometowns, so get excited for 900 parents to get mad that Arie won’t just pick their child!
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