Tag: funny bachelor recap

After The Final Rose recap: “So Stupid.”

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If I were wearing a Bachelor mood ring right now, I’m guessing it would say I’m feeling very MEH. That’s a mood, right? I think the color is citron. MEH in the sense that I’m angry at Arie, I’m angry at Chris Harrison, and I’m angry at ABC.

So Chris Harrison stands here in front of an audience and says he’s still trying to process the finale, and I’m just so mad at him! Oh, you’re trying to process that super fucked up thing you did, where you tricked someone and aired it on TV? K. Take all the fucking time you need.

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We kick things off by of course reliving the sinking ship that was this season, in particular Monday night’s finale when Arie proposed to Becca then ground her heart up into tiny particles so small that you can’t even see them with the naked eye.

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The Bachelor recap: “If Arie Proposed To Me Today I’d Say No”

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Night two of this shit show, huh?! If you asked me where my life is going, I’d probably be required to say, “Straight to ABC!” because that is how much dedication it takes to be invested in this fucking Bachelor WORLD, ya know?

We’re in Peru for the fantasy suite dates, where he meets Kendall in the middle of absolutely nowhere.

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Hope you don’t have to pee, babe.

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The Bachelor recap: “What Did You Fly When You Flew?”’

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Guys, let me break down the scene in my living room. We’ve got regulars Ciara and Jordan. But today we’ve also got Katie, and Jordan’s boyfriend Charlie. We’ve got energy balls, which are depleting rapidly. We’ve got wine! We’ve got SHRMP MOTHERFUCKING COCKTAIL! So why all this pomp and circumstance, you ask? Because this episode is HOMETOWNZ, and last year around this time Rachel was visiting Dean’s dad, and Dean was just writhing around on the floor in a tiny ball while his father served everybody mung beans. It’s a fun episode, okay?! My watch party is big this week.

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The Bachelor recap: “I’m Falling In love With Falling In Love”

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You know what I said as soon as I pressed PLAY on my DVR last night? “Oh snap, we in Tuscany.” Yes, I’m known to be very observant. (Also, starving all the time.)

So the gal palz are in Italia and their first stop is Pisa, where Lauren B. immediately asks why the leaning tower of Pisa leans. Um, I bet there’s a fucking sign somewhere real close to where you’re standing that could answer that for ya. You know those museum plaques that are boring and have all the info? Check those.

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The Bachelor recap: “Krystal Lives In A Delusion”

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Before I can get to the real nitty gritty of tonight’s dry shampoo-fueled circus, let me start by giving a round of applause to BIP bartender/Sarah Hyland’s boyfriend Wells Adams for appearing in the Puppy Bowl yesterday. (I’m sure you ALL knew that already, since you of COURSE watch the Puppy Bowl every year.)

EH-KNEE-WAY, they’re in Paris and Arie may or may not have a hickey on his Adam’s apple. Well, his Arie’s apple.

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The Bachelor recap: “This Is Like, Some Redneck Sh*t”

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IT RAINED IN LA TODAY. I know that’s not a big deal to some of you, but it’s all anybody here’s been talking about for the past twelve hours so I feel like I HAD to mention it.

Week two opens on cool guy Arie riding a cool guy motorcycle next to some super cool rocks. It makes little to no sense.

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Becca K. gets the first one on one, and Arie drives her around on this motorcycle. I personally think motorcycles are DANGEROUS and I would not get on one even if a shirtless Jason Momoa was driving it with a satchel full of fucking ice cream strapped to his back.

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The Bachelorette recap: “Bye, Snaky”

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I just want you guys to know that my god damn E key stopped working today, so please appreciate the fact that EVERY motherfucking E you see in this recap was typed by PASTING ONE. Just think about that. It’s so sad. (If I typd at my normal lightning spd, th sntncs would look lik this!! AHH!) That is how much I love you/am completely selfless.

If you’re wondering where we are in our EPIC JOURNEY TO FIND LOVE, it’s with ol’ racist Lee calling Kenny a “stack of bleeding muscle.” It is um, how you say, not good.

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The Bachelor finale recap: “Nick’s Desperate Search For Love”

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santa in the woods bachelor

BABYLUVS. WE DID IT. WE ARE AT THE END OF THE LONG, TWISTED, THROW PILLOW LINED ROAD.

The first thing to remember about the end of Nick’s journey is that Chris Harrison pronounces the word finale fin-AH-lee.

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He just loves saying it like that. Chris also loves being a grade-A cock tease, because he immediately tells us that some shit is about to go down on After the Final Rose tonight, which leads me to believe maybe there will be a proposal on live television. A girl can dream.

So they’re still in this town in Finland, and I’m starting to wonder if Nick is getting sick of drinking hot chocolate and wearing polar tech socks, but maybe our Wisco boy is into that shit.

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The Bachelor recap: “I’ve Never Had An Orgasm Before”

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BTW, here’s my Oscars recap in two words: SHIT STORM!

We last left off in Nick’s hotel room before the rose ceremony, where Andi Dorfman had suddenly shown up at his door. They both need a whisky, as we all do when we are about to talk to someone we boned on television.

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Meanwhile the girls are standing outside waiting for this fool and it looks cold as shit. (“You better be worth this, Nick!” –Vanessa, who has been very complain-y lately)

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The Bachelor recap: “Don’t You Dare Overlook Me”

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HOW BOUT THAT SUPER BOWL, HUH? THEY REALLY THREW THE FUCK OUT OF THAT BALL.

We left off in Bachelorland (Please God aka Chris Harrison, make that a theme park) at THE DINNER, with Taylor showing up after getting some weird healing shit done to her in the god damn swap, now ready to open a can of Diet Whoop Ass on Corinne.

The other girls POW WOW about it, and they are all sitting way too close together on the couch.

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I cannot touch arms or thighs with someone sitting on a couch with me. The mere thought of it makes me aggressively crack open another beer to calm my nerves/fuel my growing alcoholism.

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