The Bachelor recap: “Krystal Lives In A Delusion”

arie tia gross makeout paris.JPG

Before I can get to the real nitty gritty of tonight’s dry shampoo-fueled circus, let me start by giving a round of applause to BIP bartender/Sarah Hyland’s boyfriend Wells Adams for appearing in the Puppy Bowl yesterday. (I’m sure you ALL knew that already, since you of COURSE watch the Puppy Bowl every year.)

EH-KNEE-WAY, they’re in Paris and Arie may or may not have a hickey on his Adam’s apple. Well, his Arie’s apple.

arie hickey bachelor

Continue reading

The Bachelorette recap: “Pillaging My Feelings And Raiding My Heart”

kenny crying

THIS SHIT IS ANOTHER TWO HOURS?! Jesus Christ, Chris Harrison. You crazy.

We last left Rachel on the 2 on 1 date, contemplating life while leaning on a very mossy tree.

moss rachel tree.JPG

That tree’s fake, right? They for sure brought that shit in. I find it highly sus.

Meanwhile Kenny is screaming at Lee, and although they basically have to bleep every word out of his mouth for an entire minute, I’m pretty sure at one point he says, “I’m going to drag my dick across your grave,” which is honestly the best thing I’ve ever heard. (These are the types of visuals that I, as a writer, strive to create.)

Continue reading

The Bachelorette recap: “Bye, Snaky”

lee is crazy bachelorette.JPG

I just want you guys to know that my god damn E key stopped working today, so please appreciate the fact that EVERY motherfucking E you see in this recap was typed by PASTING ONE. Just think about that. It’s so sad. (If I typd at my normal lightning spd, th sntncs would look lik this!! AHH!) That is how much I love you/am completely selfless.

If you’re wondering where we are in our EPIC JOURNEY TO FIND LOVE, it’s with ol’ racist Lee calling Kenny a “stack of bleeding muscle.” It is um, how you say, not good.

Continue reading

The Bachelor recap: “Tastes Like Victory”

ouija board bachelor.JPG

I just want you guys to know that so far I have written 6,296 words about this season of the bachelor. Okay, now 6,304. That is roughly 25 pages of a book. I could’ve been TWENTY FIVE PAGES into the next great American novel but noooo, gotta make you noodles laugh and laugh.

ANYWHO, we left off last week with Corinne and Taylor battling it out while snuggling under a shared throw blanket. Taylor tries to explain what Emotional Intelligence is and Corinne is like welp, everybody thinks you’re a bitch. Corinne 1, Taylor 0.

Continue reading

The Bachelorette Recap: “Why Am I Crying?”

wells jojo date bachelorette

Do you ever lie in bed and think man, I miss Chad. And Evan. And Grant. And Vinny. And even Canadian Daniel. No? K. Me neither.

We’re in Buenos Aires, and traveling is one of the funnest things for Jojo. Yes she says funnest and yes, I die a little inside. I want to believe she’s smart and she is absolutely ruining it.

Wells gets the one-on-one date and everybody seems really happy for him, until he says he and Jojo haven’t kissed yet and they all cock their heads to the side like dogs who just heard your weird cousin blow into his Weenie Whistle. They’re like HUH??

wells happy bachelorette

He gets ready for his date and proudly shows off his matching leather jacket and duffel, which he obviously bought as a set.

wells leather jacket bachelorette

Luke immediately asks Jojo and Wells if they’re going to kiss today. That Luke I tell ya, he low key stirs the pot. Just sneaks into the kitchen like a 6’ foot tall bowlegged Keebler elf and gives the wooden spoon a few turns.

The boys cannot stop talking about Wells and this kiss. One of them even says, “If it’s not the best kiss he’s ever given, he might be going home.” I am giving my television more side-eye than the strange toys Wells and Jojo play with on their date.

bachelorette side eye

They go to some sort of performance art place, where betches dance in a suspended pool made out of clear tarp and I’m starting to have flashbacks of the first time I ate mushrooms. It’s a kaleidoscope of terror.

water dancers

Meanwhile the rest of the dudes just chill in a sitting area like FUCKING LOSERS. Do a puzzle or something, guys! Don’t just mingle way too close to each other in fancy chairs.

sitting.JPG

Wells and Jojo finally kiss, because LOOK AT JOJO’S BODY. You can’t not kiss that body.

jojo body bachelorette

After they kiss he immediately says, “You and I are probably different people,” which I know is the beginning of the end for ol’ Wells. At dinner she asks about his ex and he doesn’t really want to talk about it. LADIES, a PSA: any time a guy is weird about talking about their ex, you should be worried. It is NOT a good sign.

Jojo can’t give Wells the rose. Technically she CAN, but she says she can’t. This show is complicated, you know?

She cries, because girl is starting to realize that she is gonna have to dump a SHIT TON of dudes and it turns out dumping people is like, not that fun.

jojo crying bachelorette

Back at the hotel the guys seem SHOCKED that Wells doesn’t come back. Look at these nerds:

alex facejordan facerobby face

A bunch of guys get the group date card, leaving Chase and Derek for the epic SECOND 2-on-1 of the season. They’re both pissed about it but I’m sitting on my couch with a belly full of seafood ready to get this shit poppin’.

On the group date somebody makes Alex stand the furthest away from the camera, which is not doing him any favors.

boys lines up bachelorette

They play a very-arranged pickup game of soccer with some locals, and James T. is just in awe of how perfect all these dudes are. Four perfect dudes and goofy ass James T.

The main thing to take from this is that the cinematographers at ABC may have worked on the Lord of the Rings movies, because they are doing some forced-perspective camera work that rivals hobbits eating at a table any day. Look how small these people look! It’s madness!

forced perspective bachelorette

Reminds me of the time Natalie and I posed for this beautiful photo:

forced perspective warner brothers

BUT I DIGRESS. Anyway is Jojo having the best day ever? I don’t know, you tell me.

jojo group date

At the cocktail party Luke and Jojo talk, and by talk I mean they make out like god damn crazy. It is fucking PASSIONATE. He’s pulling on her hair, she’s got her hand in his crotch.

jojo luke sexy bachelorettejojo hand in crotch luke

I’m uncomfortable watching and I’m pretty sure my boyfriend has a boner.

During his time, James T. talks shit about Aaron Roger’s brother and it’s got Jojo all sorts of concerned, because James is her little Labrador puppy who would never in a million years lie to her and just wants to be her best friend forever. Also he’d like some wet food, if you’ve got it.

She and James T. kiss and now I’m wondering how much making out she has to do with people she doesn’t like. What if you were on this show and had to just like, make out with whoever leaned into your face. Ugh.

Anyway Aaron Roger’s brother is like, fucking PISSED at James. He comes back from talking to Jojo and just sits and swirls his white wine in complete silence like a mental patient with a big secret. He is SWIRLING IT WITH PURPOSE.

jordan swirling winewhite wine jordan rogers bachelorette

Everybody’s basically like are you having a seizure, bro? What is happening? He does NOT like that James said he was acting entitled. He doesn’t even know what entitled means, okay? He honestly doesn’t and he keeps asking what entitled looks like, what entitled means. Somebody get this motherfucker a pocket dictionary.

Luke gets the rose because although she had to make out with James and listen to Aaron Roger’s brother word vomit the most bullshit string of sentences ever, girl is all about dat cowboy. When you wanna fuck someone, you wanna fuck someone, ya know? It’s just science.

On the 2-on-1 date Chase, Derek and Jojo learn how to salsa dance. My question is, why are they constantly painting in Jojo’s bikini bottoms when side vag is totally fine to air?

salsa dancer crotch

I mean, WOW. Wow.

Anyway Derek thinks their love is starting and I hear myself say, “Nooo it’s not,” as I shovel greek yogurt into my mouth. They dance, it’s awkward, and I’m starting to realize that Derek looks like a cartoon character.

derek bachelorette cartoon

He talks to her after dinner and guys, he is SO freakin’ lucky to be sitting there with her. He likes her so freakin’ much. Who would’ve thought a freakin’ guy like Derek would get the chance to freakin’ date a girl like freakin’ JOJO. If Derek doesn’t stop saying the word freakin’ I’m going to make Chad find out where he lives and pay him a visit. He has the ability to do that, guys. When this show ends…

Now Jojo talks to Chase, which is very similar to talking to a wall. A beige, boring ass wall. She doesn’t think he likes her and he responds with, “Oh.” He keeps saying he’s starting to have feelings for her and it’s like bro, Robby is already IN LOVE with this bitch. You’re BEHIND.

Chase gets the rose because if he didn’t it would have to go to Derek, and Derek is muy triste about it. So sad in fact, that he’s now referring to himself in the third person by saying, “Derek is imperfect.” It sounds to me like Derek is actually a robot and once he’s done crying he’s going to mumble, “Power off Derek,” as the light dims in his eyes.

derek sad

ALSO while he sits there and sobs an opera singer performs Don’t Cry For Me Argentina (that country has one song, apparently) and it is SO CRAZY. They keep cutting from Derek to this woman singing and I honestly don’t know how to describe it. My brow is furrowed and my mouth is wide open for what feels like several minutes.

At the final cocktail party before the rose ceremony (so many phrases in The Bachelor world), Jojo looks like a god damn J’Adore ad.

jojo blue dress bachelorette

She and Aaron Roger’s brother get their shit back on track, and Alex feels unimportant but still forces her to make out with him. He is honestly swimming in his clothes. He looks like the kid in Big when he walks home and his clothes keep getting baggier and baggier because he is turning back into a child.

alex short

It’s time for her to give out roses and I hear her and I say, in unison, “Robby,” followed by “Jordan.” (Question: Do I have psychic powers? Answer: No, psychic powers are not real.)

My prediction is that James T. will get the final rose because although she does not want to have sex with him, she really doesn’t want to have sex with Alex. Except she CAN’T give out the final rose, she literally can’t even. So she gives it to Chris Harrison and they live happily ever after.

jojo rose

Okay maybe they don’t. Plot twist! Now she has two roses. Man, does this show know how to throw a curveball or WHAT. Alex and James T. both get roses because she thinks she might want to marry both of them. See what I did there? Sarcasm.

james t happy rose

We leave on Alex’s salty ass rant about how he isn’t special and he wants to feel wanted. Honey, just take the free trip around the world, okay? ENJOY. IT.

Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here

Be a cutie pie and follow me on Twitter.

PS: What is going on with Alex’s hair this time?? TENDRILS?! Jesus Christ.

alex whispy hair

But WAIT! There’s MORE!! Bonus recap from one of my best friends:

luke is a vampire

There you have it, folks! See ya next week.

The Bachelorette Recap: “Do You Want Ice Cream Or Do You Want Steak?”

day at home bachelorette

Is there anything more magical than unpredictable rage on national television? (Being surrounded by puppies who were rescued from a fire, duh.)

Let’s jump right into this pool party. Papa Chris Harrison forces Chad to apologize and he is not great at it. He knows it’s a piss poor effort, but he keeps it movin’ and drinks the most strange colored green juice on the planet. It might be straight Chlorophyll.

chad green juice

Everybody has a great time humping inflatable flamingos and I’m just praying to god they’re all wearing sunblock because you know what’s scarier than Chad? SKIN CANCER.

Speaking of skin, Jojo must have told the producers that she’s attracted to gigantic, horrible tattoos. Every fucking guy in this house is PROUDLY rocking one.

james t tattoo

They all jump in the pool and Evan’s nose immediately starts bleeding, which is exactly what I would expect from him. I bet he’s also allergic to peanuts.

Chad wants to talk to Derek, who is a pretty big dude to be so scared of Chad. Every time they cut to Derek he is bitching about how terrified he is.

derek vs chad bachelorette

Chad is fucking pissed as shit at everybody and basically says KEEP MY NAME OUTCHA MOUTH. He is in a sour ass mood about it but I’d love for him to take a moment and appreciate his surroundings. He is battling unrestrained rage in the most beautiful, picturesque room ever.

chad drinking alone

At the rose ceremony the only thought I have is SLAY, JOJO, SLAY. This fucking crop top number is WORK-ING. I think I’m going to stop eating (after lunch).

jojo sparkly crop top bachelorette

All the dudes are stressing the fuck out about the possibility of Chad getting a rose and they go on and on about how “there are good guys here.” Yeah, good guys she has no interest in boning, ya dorks. Who gives a flying fuck if Nick’s a good guy, he showed up day one in a full on Santa Suit. He’s got. To go.

Alex gets a rose before Chad and he suddenly shoots to the tippity top of Chad’s Kill List.

chad alex bachelorette

We’re down to the final rose, and we all know Chad’s getting it. As he does, I laugh to myself while remembering Evan’s dumb ultimatum. He just immediately caved. GO HOME, EVAN. YOU PROMISED.

Jojo tells the remaining guys to pack their bags! Are they going to Morocco? Turks and Caicos??

pennsylvania

Pennsylvania. Neat. Alex is excited about it, and I hope someone packed him a bologna sandwich and his footie pajamas.

alex slide down banister bachelorette

I mean fuck, Alex. I get that you’re short but you have to at least ACT like a god damn man. You know who I don’t want to marry? The guy who gets to a beautiful suite at a nice resort and immediately slides down the banister. Not sexy.

Luke gets the one-on-one and they go dog sledding. In my head I have already named all of the dogs: Benjamin, Donald, Ricardo, Sasha, Melissa, Trevor, Jacqueline, and Ray.

Now they get into a hot tub in the middle of the forest. I’m worried they’re going to get skeeter bites out there but that’s just me, constantly ruining the vibe. BTW, Luke is looking FINE AS HELL. I don’t know what it is about that quiet motherfucker but he is smokin’ hot.

luke jojo hot tub bachelorette

I mean, that is ideal.

They get to talking and it’s clear as day that war veteran Luke has seen some shit. Like, some real scary shit. Jojo wants to find out more and I wanna be like girl, I don’t know if you do! Once you open Pandora’s box I hear it’s fucking hard to close.

Back at the hotel everyone talks about the possibility of a 2-on-1 date and Alex goes, “I’m not about that life.” I literally hate Alex more than I hate Chad. Science fact: if you use the phrase “not about that life” with 100% seriousness there is a 0% chance you will be welcome in my bed.

In sexy steamy love land, Luke explains that he used to be a lieutenant in Afghanistan and his best friend was killed in the line of duty. What did I tell you? Seen. Some Shit. Jojo is all over him like me on cupcakes:

jojo luke in love

Girl is IN. You know what Luke would never do? Slide down a banister. After dinner she surprises him with ANOTHER private country concert, and when I say private I mean not private.

luke jojo kiss

It’s actually fucking adorable and if I had drank even one glass of wine tonight I would be sobbing hysterically right now. Guys. They’re like, in love already.

On the group date they go to a football field and meet Ben Roethlisberger (took me over five minutes to spell that right). They do some drills, Aaron Roger’s brother is jizzing his pants at the mere thought of the ol’ pigskin, and things start to get competitive.

Suddenly James T. is crying blood. Dude got hit in the face and needs stitches.

james stitches bachelorette

Because everyone in the world is on this group date, the only people left to hang back are Luke, Alex and Chad. Chad explains the logic behind his aggression and how if someone doesn’t stop talking, “the only way I can get you to shut your mouth is to hit you.” Here is Luke’s reaction to that sentence:

luke face bachelorette

Somebody should pass that info along to Jojo so that one day she doesn’t go rambling on about her Sephora haul and suddenly finds herself with a fat lip. Which to be honest, might give her more surface area for the lipstick she got from Sephora!!

Back on the field, Evan feels dangerous.

evan dangerous football

LOL. While Aaron Roger’s brother was “dropping dimes out there” (gag) Evan gets his SECOND nosebleed of the week. Is he an aggressive nose picker, what’s the deal? The blue team wins in overtime and gets more time with her.

At the cocktail party Aaron Roger’s brother is afraid to open up to her, but then he does. Great storyline, guys. A real page turner. He tells her he’s falling for her and subsequently gets the rose.

And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for, the 2-on-1. Before they go, Chad asks who has a problem with him and they all raise their hands. Chad calls Alex a whiny little bitch and asks him if he wants to go outside. Then GRANT calls CHAD a coward, and Chad asks GRANT if he wants to go outside. Chad sure does invite a lot of people outside. I mean look, maybe he just loves the outdoors and wants to play a round of corn hole.

chad go outside bachelorette

Apparently I’m wrong, because the next thing I know Chad walks up to Aaron Roger’s brother and goes, “You think this is a show? You’re safe for now, but one day this ends. When this ends, you go home. When you go home, you think I can’t find you?” I am screaming at my TV. Literally screaming.

Meanwhile Alex gets ready for the date by putting on what I assume are his lucky USA socks.

USA socks bachelorette

So many nopes with Alex. All of the nopes. Also, observation: 99% of The Bachelorette is just dudes sitting closer to each other than they’re comfortable with.

too close couch bachelorette

Wells says that there is terror surrounding this date and right he is! Alex and Chad immediately get into a helicopter and I’ll tell ya right now there is no way in hell I would get into a helicopter with Chad. I am honestly SHOCKED he didn’t shove Alex out of it.

They meet Jojo in the woods and go on a hike. Of course right away the Bachelor producers give Chad a machete and Alex a hatchet, just to make things interesting.

This date is awkward. They sit on a blanket and Chad talks about floating down rivers.

2 on 1 date bachelorette alex chad

Jojo chats with Alex, who obviously rats Chad out immediately. Although I fucking hate Alex, he is a genius for telling Jojo that her beloved Aaron Roger’s brother was threatened.

Jojo asks Chad if he threatened Aaron Roger’s brother and he goes, “I mean, it’s…” which is never a good way to start an answer. He doesn’t know what to tell you, Jojo! He may have said something to that effect but they were all PUSHING, PUSHING. Jojo is basically like what the actual fuck are you talking about.

chad hike bachelorette

Chad whistles as he walks back towards Alex, which is exactly what a serial killer does before chopping someone into a million pieces.

The two of them are now in the most asinine conversation I have ever heard in my life. Chad goes, “Life ain’t all about blueberries and paper airplanes,” and then suddenly they’re arguing about milk. Once I finally get a grasp on the milk convo, they’ve moved on to Alex saying, “Hay’s in the barn” and Chad replying with, “Pigs are in the castle.”

Am I watching Drinking Out Of Cups or something? Did they eat shrooms off camera on this fucking hike?? What the shit is going on.

Alex gets the rose because obviously Chad is going to murder everyone in the house if he stays. Personally, I’d like to see both of these fools leave. Chad peaces out and walks through the woods in complete darkness.

chad woods dark bachelorette

News travels back to the house about Chad’s departure and wow, dez boyz are CELEBRATING. They toastin’, they party poppin’, they drankin’.

boys celebrate bachelorettedrankin bachelorette

It feels like the episode is about to end on the ultimate high note of an 80s-style freeze frame, but suddenly CHAD IS KNOCKING ON THE FUCKING DOOR. I am freaking out right now and am positive that I will have nightmares for the rest of the week.

chad knocks on door bachelorette

Thankfully The Bachelorette would never end on such a chilling moment, because they actually leave us with Canadian Daniel attempting to mount Evan.

daniel mounting evan bachelorette

Tune in in TWO WEEKS (all of the sads) to see what the FUCK Chad is doing at the front door. I may be going out on a limb here, but I think he came back to get his phone charger. No? Hm.

Read Monday night’s recap here. Or the rest of them here

Follow me on Twitter, but only if you want to.