Last night the world was graced with yet another Bachelorette premiere, full of pocket squares and extremely straight teeth. There was a LOT to take in, but I’ve whittled the evening down to ten important bullet points.

1. Stuntman Leo is a giant Johnny Galecki with long ass Tarzan hair. And he may have a great bod, but anyone who uses the hashtag #donttakelifetooseriously is a no for ya girl SJ.
2. Jean Blanc’s passion for fragrances and his one billion bottles of cologne have forced me to revisit every perfume I’ve worn over the last fifteen years and all of the repressed memories that come with them (Olivia’s 6th grade boat party when Jon broke my heart?! Lord.) They are, in order, Gap’s Dream (duh), Tommy Girl, J’Adore, Narcisco Rodriguez for Her, and currently… well that’s none of your fucking business.
3. Virgin smokeshow Colton used to date Aly Raisman. Ya. Seriously. The fuck??
4. Becca is NOT here for the guy who knows her from back home but never asked her out before she was famous. I don’t know why she wouldn’t give him a second chance, it’s not like he told her fifty times that he only met her once even though they’ve meet MULTIPLE TIMES… Really driving her point home here, buddy.
5. Not a single person has been able to explain Chris’s hairline to me.
6. I would NOT pay $22,000 for Becca’s gown, okurr? That is fucking crazytown and honestly the beads make it look kinda scratchy.
7. Socks aren’t cool anymore, guys. It’s just a fact. If you show up to ANY of the weddings I’m sure you’re attending this summer in dress socks, kiss your title as Style Icon – Male to the god damn CURB. Socks aren’t cool. Hem the pants short. Show us that ankle hair we so desperately crave??
8. Chicago grocer Joe will be on SOME type of spinoff show, no? The internet blew the fuck up last night over his leaving, but I have to assume he said or did some really weird shit to get kicked off so fast. She kept SO many hard 6s and yet he was out! Like honestly, he must have really shit the bed.
9. “Male model” Jordan isn’t the villainous hero America needs, but he’s the villainous hero America deserves. I look forward to MANY-A-SOUNDBITE from that fashion forward sonofabitch. Also he looks like he’s made of clay.
10. Garrett, who showed up in a minivan, taught her how to fish, and got the first impression rose, is a huge piece of shit. I don’t know how many of you saw this article, but Garrett is a HARD PASS for me, dawg. Joking about feminists, trans people, immigrants, and teen victims of gun violence, while I’m sure is hilarious to you and your trash friends, is not really my VIBE, ya know? It’s also definitely not Becca’s vibe. It’s 2018, bro. Grow the fuck up.

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