Bachelor in Paradise: “Who Has The Better Vagina?”

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Like a vibrator in need of a new set of batteries, I am starting to lose steam. It’s probably because two fucking episodes a week of this show is pure insanity and I don’t have the emotional stamina for it, OR it could be that I continue to make poor dietary choices and therefore spend half my time feeling tired and the other half wondering if I’m having a heart attack. Sigh.

But tonight’s episode was one only hour, so maybe I WILL get enough sleep and can be a high-functioning adult tomorrow! (I’d settle for a low-functioning adult at this point.)

So Jaimi shows up to paradise, and I don’t really know how to feel about it because although I’m sure she’s very nice, I’ve always found her to be a little too high energy.

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She talks to Tickle Monster and we learn that he’s divorced (!), and then she asks Diggy on a date. He accepts, and they head off to Poundtown! Nah I’m kidding, they just go into Sayulita, where she tells him she has a lot of stories. And if I know men like I think I know men, they just LOVE hearing women tell stories. Especially stories that are actually DREAMS. Yes, explain every detail to them, they love it.

Anyway they make out.

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Back at the beach twins Haley and Emily show up, which is the shake up this dump needs.

Emily is into Dean and Haley is into Derek. Oh, lawd!! Wait ‘til Taylor hears about this. You thought lacking emotional intelligence was bad? The twins lack actual intelligence, which I think is a lot more important for like, life.

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One of them asks if Beanie Babies are hot, the other thinks a scallop is a vegetable, so ya know, we’re off to a roaring start. But the producers know how to get to the good stuff, and immediately ask the girls who has a better vagina.

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I didn’t need to know that, but I’ll gladly store that information somewhere in my brain where long division used to live.

Haley quickly learns that Derek is OFF LIMITS, BABE, so she settles and asks Jack Stone on their double-trouble-twin date. Emily on the other hand is like, truly dead set on Dean and when I say DEAD SET I mean this bitch won’t quit!

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She asks him on the date, he says no, then she decides to talk to Danielle about it. She somehow gets the impression that Danielle has said it’s okay for them to go on the date, when really Danielle said that it’s Dean’s call, and if I read between those lines I think she meant it’s Dean’s fucking call but HE KNOWS WHAT TO DO.

So Emily asks him AGAIN to go on this date and he still won’t. She is, in a word, shocked.

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She just cannot get it through her brain that a guy is actually saying no to her, and it’s actually kind of great. I enjoy it.

Emily then asks Tickle Monster to go on the date, because what the fuck else is she supposed to do. Plus, who knew the best view in paradise was looking directly at his shirt pocket?!

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The twins are annoyed at this point, because they came here to bang hot guys and they’re kind of left with, as Daniel would call it, “the scraps.” So they’re fucking mad and explain in a huff that their top prospects are “dating shallow, ugly whores.”

UMM, DAMN. Guys. It’s 2017. Be a fucking feminist for once in your god damn life and don’t call your competition an ugly whore. No?? I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS.

Meanwhile Jasmine is just spilling all the tea while slurping down what appears to be a vanilla iced latte.

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Where in the absolute fuck did she get ahold of that!! Wells may be a great bartender but he is no BARISTA, okay?

Back in love land, Derek tells Taylor that he could see himself falling in love with her and she is very super happy about it.

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It’s pretty adorable, and I’m here to say that if a camera was that close to my face and it was projected onto millions of television screens across this great nation, that would not be good. Pores. I would be 90% pores. (8% sunblock, 2% rogue eyebrow hairs.)

So it’s time for Haley and Emily to go on their date with Jack Stone and Tickle Monster, and they’re annoyed they have to go out with “douchebags,” but they’re hanging in there. But then, THEN, Jack Stone’s heart turns to real stone, and I can see it now: he’s about to reject their asses.

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He tells them he’s sorry, but he wants to stay back with Christen (and is painfully aware that he was their 4th choice), and they get SO MAD AT HIM. It’s the best. Those bitches are getting exactly what they deserve and each and every ugly whore on that beach is smiling about it, I tell ya!

So the twins leave in a fit of rage and throw scallops down the stairs. It’s very weird, and now THEY HAVE BECOME SCALLOP FINGERS!!! MUAHAHAHA!!!!!

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But Jack Stone gets the last word, and explains that the twins will be okay, they’ll go home and watch Frozen and play with fidget spinners.

…HA. NO. STOP. Jack Stone, you savage motherfucker!! Just smiling away, sounding perfectly nice but really telling the world that the twins are little girls. I love Jack Stone and everything he represents.

But DUN DUN DUNNN, the next day Chris Harrison shows up and asks them to join him in the rose palapa. If this is your first paradise season of reading my recaps, first of all WELCOME, KIND SOUL!!! But second of all, a palapa is one of those hut-things from the Corona commercials. They are lovely, and Chris Harrison introduced us all to this word many moons ago.

He tells them that this is everyone’s last day in paradise, and from the teaser for next week I can tell that some people be gettin’ fantasy suites and some people be sobbin’ hysterically. Next Monday is the BIP FINALE, and we’ll also get a little live studio action to check in with all your fave cast members!

Buckle up, kiddos. Especially you, Dean. Especially you.

Read Monday’s recap here. Or other ones here

I don’t mean to brag but I also have Twitter.

Bonus comedy: Raven’s humongous flower accessory.

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