The Bachelor recap: “Yeah, But It’s Just Bowling”

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Guys, I’m going to be real with you because like Rachel Lindsay would say, I like to “keep it 100.” I missed last week’s recap because I was shooting a really cool project and was going to just recap last week’s here for you today along with the new one, but once you watch a new episode you’re kind of like, emotionally moved on from the previous one? So I’m not fucking recapping last week. Sowwy.

We kick off this week with the girls in Ft. Lauderdale, which Arie describes as, “one of the most beautiful places to fall in love.” Um, I can think of at least 50 places that are more beautiful to fall in love. Paris, Florence, New York, Miami, Berlin, Buenos Aires, Barcelona, Madrid, Tokyo, Costa Rica, Knoxville Tennessee, Savannah, Charleston, Amsterdam, Bali, Indonesia, New Zealand, Australia, Iceland, Machu Pichu, Telluride, Hawaii, Austin, Portugal, Bora Bora, Macau, Ibiza, Milan, Santorini, Cape Town, Istanbul, Rio de Janiero, Havana, Alaska, New Orleans, Maldives, Marrakesh, Rome, Kyoto, Chicago, Santa Barbara, Venice, Playa del Carmen, Oslo, Dubai, Cyprus, Holland, Prague, Bruges, and Gijón.

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The Bachelor recap: “This Is Like, Some Redneck Sh*t”

IT RAINED IN LA TODAY. I know that’s not a big deal to some of you, but it’s all anybody here’s been talking about for the past twelve hours so I feel like I HAD to mention it.

Week two opens on cool guy Arie riding a cool guy motorcycle next to some super cool rocks. It makes little to no sense.

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Becca K. gets the first one on one, and Arie drives her around on this motorcycle. I personally think motorcycles are DANGEROUS and I would not get on one even if a shirtless Jason Momoa was driving it with a satchel full of fucking ice cream strapped to his back.

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The Bachelorette recap: “Pillaging My Feelings And Raiding My Heart”

kenny crying

THIS SHIT IS ANOTHER TWO HOURS?! Jesus Christ, Chris Harrison. You crazy.

We last left Rachel on the 2 on 1 date, contemplating life while leaning on a very mossy tree.

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That tree’s fake, right? They for sure brought that shit in. I find it highly sus.

Meanwhile Kenny is screaming at Lee, and although they basically have to bleep every word out of his mouth for an entire minute, I’m pretty sure at one point he says, “I’m going to drag my dick across your grave,” which is honestly the best thing I’ve ever heard. (These are the types of visuals that I, as a writer, strive to create.)

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The Bachelorette recap: “I Hope They’re All In Speedos”

tickle guy doesn't dance well ellen

Boy, time flies when you’re just trying to get through each tiring, torturous day, doesn’t it? I’m kidding. (Am I?)

Last we left these noodles, DeMario was AT the mansion. He needed to talk to Rachel, and he needed to talk to her BAD!!!! So she walks up and he shakes her hand, which is both awkward and terrible.

DeMario comes clean about not being honest with her at the basketball court, and after a long ass conversation with his Uber driver (who I’m sure moments later deleted his app, burned his phone, put the ashes into an urn, flew them to the Serengeti and scattered them over a pile of giraffe shit), DeMario has realized he really fucked himself and his shot at love with Rachel.

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The Bachelorette Recap: “The Only Leg I Have To Stand On Are My Two Legs”

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Did you guys spend your Memorial Day poolside?! I went to Target.

It’s week two on the Bachelorette calendar, so we are officially IN IT! They immediately show Copper the dog STILL in a leg cast, and I’m pretty concerned/wondering when he is going to get it off. What if it’s like a human cast and he has to have it for twelve weeks and it’s the SAME twelve weeks as the show?? Ugh. I hope he isn’t in pain.

copper dog leg cast

A.N.Y.W.A.Y. Chris Harrison hands them their first date card, but also says he hopes everybody is here for the right reasons, because if some people aren’t he doesn’t get paid as much. (That might not be correct.)  Seems AWFULLY SUSPICIOUS that Chris says that out of the god damn blue. Makes me think someone ISN’T here for the right reasons DUN DUN DUNNN!!

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The Bachelor recap: “He Held My Boobs, Okay?”

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Look I’m gonna be real, I woke up at 5:30 in the morning yesterday, went to work, EXERCISED, worked on my writing, made dinner (jk I watched my boyfriend do it), and then READ A BOOK so by the time Nick Viall graced my god damn television screen for a new episode I was practically crying over such a sweet reward for a day well done.

I know I should’ve put that in a fucking diary but YOU GUYS ARE MY DIARY!! Just soak it in, accept it. Anyway the girls are excited about the dates this week, especially Sarah, who is making a face like a brunch waitress is refilling her bottomless mimosa.

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The first group date features no fewer than one thousand women, and they will all be modeling wedding gowns in a photo shoot with Nick. Except some of the girls will actually just have to be bridesmaids. LOL! Some producer with weak-at-best personal relationships is cackling from their office as we speak going, “God dammit that was a great idea. These bitches will flip out!”

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The Bachelorette Recap: “Do You Want Ice Cream Or Do You Want Steak?”

day at home bachelorette

Is there anything more magical than unpredictable rage on national television? (Being surrounded by puppies who were rescued from a fire, duh.)

Let’s jump right into this pool party. Papa Chris Harrison forces Chad to apologize and he is not great at it. He knows it’s a piss poor effort, but he keeps it movin’ and drinks the most strange colored green juice on the planet. It might be straight Chlorophyll.

chad green juice

Everybody has a great time humping inflatable flamingos and I’m just praying to god they’re all wearing sunblock because you know what’s scarier than Chad? SKIN CANCER.

Speaking of skin, Jojo must have told the producers that she’s attracted to gigantic, horrible tattoos. Every fucking guy in this house is PROUDLY rocking one.

james t tattoo

They all jump in the pool and Evan’s nose immediately starts bleeding, which is exactly what I would expect from him. I bet he’s also allergic to peanuts.

Chad wants to talk to Derek, who is a pretty big dude to be so scared of Chad. Every time they cut to Derek he is bitching about how terrified he is.

derek vs chad bachelorette

Chad is fucking pissed as shit at everybody and basically says KEEP MY NAME OUTCHA MOUTH. He is in a sour ass mood about it but I’d love for him to take a moment and appreciate his surroundings. He is battling unrestrained rage in the most beautiful, picturesque room ever.

chad drinking alone

At the rose ceremony the only thought I have is SLAY, JOJO, SLAY. This fucking crop top number is WORK-ING. I think I’m going to stop eating (after lunch).

jojo sparkly crop top bachelorette

All the dudes are stressing the fuck out about the possibility of Chad getting a rose and they go on and on about how “there are good guys here.” Yeah, good guys she has no interest in boning, ya dorks. Who gives a flying fuck if Nick’s a good guy, he showed up day one in a full on Santa Suit. He’s got. To go.

Alex gets a rose before Chad and he suddenly shoots to the tippity top of Chad’s Kill List.

chad alex bachelorette

We’re down to the final rose, and we all know Chad’s getting it. As he does, I laugh to myself while remembering Evan’s dumb ultimatum. He just immediately caved. GO HOME, EVAN. YOU PROMISED.

Jojo tells the remaining guys to pack their bags! Are they going to Morocco? Turks and Caicos??

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Pennsylvania. Neat. Alex is excited about it, and I hope someone packed him a bologna sandwich and his footie pajamas.

alex slide down banister bachelorette

I mean fuck, Alex. I get that you’re short but you have to at least ACT like a god damn man. You know who I don’t want to marry? The guy who gets to a beautiful suite at a nice resort and immediately slides down the banister. Not sexy.

Luke gets the one-on-one and they go dog sledding. In my head I have already named all of the dogs: Benjamin, Donald, Ricardo, Sasha, Melissa, Trevor, Jacqueline, and Ray.

Now they get into a hot tub in the middle of the forest. I’m worried they’re going to get skeeter bites out there but that’s just me, constantly ruining the vibe. BTW, Luke is looking FINE AS HELL. I don’t know what it is about that quiet motherfucker but he is smokin’ hot.

luke jojo hot tub bachelorette

I mean, that is ideal.

They get to talking and it’s clear as day that war veteran Luke has seen some shit. Like, some real scary shit. Jojo wants to find out more and I wanna be like girl, I don’t know if you do! Once you open Pandora’s box I hear it’s fucking hard to close.

Back at the hotel everyone talks about the possibility of a 2-on-1 date and Alex goes, “I’m not about that life.” I literally hate Alex more than I hate Chad. Science fact: if you use the phrase “not about that life” with 100% seriousness there is a 0% chance you will be welcome in my bed.

In sexy steamy love land, Luke explains that he used to be a lieutenant in Afghanistan and his best friend was killed in the line of duty. What did I tell you? Seen. Some Shit. Jojo is all over him like me on cupcakes:

jojo luke in love

Girl is IN. You know what Luke would never do? Slide down a banister. After dinner she surprises him with ANOTHER private country concert, and when I say private I mean not private.

luke jojo kiss

It’s actually fucking adorable and if I had drank even one glass of wine tonight I would be sobbing hysterically right now. Guys. They’re like, in love already.

On the group date they go to a football field and meet Ben Roethlisberger (took me over five minutes to spell that right). They do some drills, Aaron Roger’s brother is jizzing his pants at the mere thought of the ol’ pigskin, and things start to get competitive.

Suddenly James T. is crying blood. Dude got hit in the face and needs stitches.

james stitches bachelorette

Because everyone in the world is on this group date, the only people left to hang back are Luke, Alex and Chad. Chad explains the logic behind his aggression and how if someone doesn’t stop talking, “the only way I can get you to shut your mouth is to hit you.” Here is Luke’s reaction to that sentence:

luke face bachelorette

Somebody should pass that info along to Jojo so that one day she doesn’t go rambling on about her Sephora haul and suddenly finds herself with a fat lip. Which to be honest, might give her more surface area for the lipstick she got from Sephora!!

Back on the field, Evan feels dangerous.

evan dangerous football

LOL. While Aaron Roger’s brother was “dropping dimes out there” (gag) Evan gets his SECOND nosebleed of the week. Is he an aggressive nose picker, what’s the deal? The blue team wins in overtime and gets more time with her.

At the cocktail party Aaron Roger’s brother is afraid to open up to her, but then he does. Great storyline, guys. A real page turner. He tells her he’s falling for her and subsequently gets the rose.

And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for, the 2-on-1. Before they go, Chad asks who has a problem with him and they all raise their hands. Chad calls Alex a whiny little bitch and asks him if he wants to go outside. Then GRANT calls CHAD a coward, and Chad asks GRANT if he wants to go outside. Chad sure does invite a lot of people outside. I mean look, maybe he just loves the outdoors and wants to play a round of corn hole.

chad go outside bachelorette

Apparently I’m wrong, because the next thing I know Chad walks up to Aaron Roger’s brother and goes, “You think this is a show? You’re safe for now, but one day this ends. When this ends, you go home. When you go home, you think I can’t find you?” I am screaming at my TV. Literally screaming.

Meanwhile Alex gets ready for the date by putting on what I assume are his lucky USA socks.

USA socks bachelorette

So many nopes with Alex. All of the nopes. Also, observation: 99% of The Bachelorette is just dudes sitting closer to each other than they’re comfortable with.

too close couch bachelorette

Wells says that there is terror surrounding this date and right he is! Alex and Chad immediately get into a helicopter and I’ll tell ya right now there is no way in hell I would get into a helicopter with Chad. I am honestly SHOCKED he didn’t shove Alex out of it.

They meet Jojo in the woods and go on a hike. Of course right away the Bachelor producers give Chad a machete and Alex a hatchet, just to make things interesting.

This date is awkward. They sit on a blanket and Chad talks about floating down rivers.

2 on 1 date bachelorette alex chad

Jojo chats with Alex, who obviously rats Chad out immediately. Although I fucking hate Alex, he is a genius for telling Jojo that her beloved Aaron Roger’s brother was threatened.

Jojo asks Chad if he threatened Aaron Roger’s brother and he goes, “I mean, it’s…” which is never a good way to start an answer. He doesn’t know what to tell you, Jojo! He may have said something to that effect but they were all PUSHING, PUSHING. Jojo is basically like what the actual fuck are you talking about.

chad hike bachelorette

Chad whistles as he walks back towards Alex, which is exactly what a serial killer does before chopping someone into a million pieces.

The two of them are now in the most asinine conversation I have ever heard in my life. Chad goes, “Life ain’t all about blueberries and paper airplanes,” and then suddenly they’re arguing about milk. Once I finally get a grasp on the milk convo, they’ve moved on to Alex saying, “Hay’s in the barn” and Chad replying with, “Pigs are in the castle.”

Am I watching Drinking Out Of Cups or something? Did they eat shrooms off camera on this fucking hike?? What the shit is going on.

Alex gets the rose because obviously Chad is going to murder everyone in the house if he stays. Personally, I’d like to see both of these fools leave. Chad peaces out and walks through the woods in complete darkness.

chad woods dark bachelorette

News travels back to the house about Chad’s departure and wow, dez boyz are CELEBRATING. They toastin’, they party poppin’, they drankin’.

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It feels like the episode is about to end on the ultimate high note of an 80s-style freeze frame, but suddenly CHAD IS KNOCKING ON THE FUCKING DOOR. I am freaking out right now and am positive that I will have nightmares for the rest of the week.

chad knocks on door bachelorette

Thankfully The Bachelorette would never end on such a chilling moment, because they actually leave us with Canadian Daniel attempting to mount Evan.

daniel mounting evan bachelorette

Tune in in TWO WEEKS (all of the sads) to see what the FUCK Chad is doing at the front door. I may be going out on a limb here, but I think he came back to get his phone charger. No? Hm.

Read Monday night’s recap here. Or the rest of them here

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The Bachelorette Recap: “Let’s Not Pretend I’m Hitler”

daniel bachelorette bodily fluid

Welp, night one of two started like any days-long rager: sloppy and full of regret!

Everybody is in a MOOD that Chad’s still here, except the villain himself, who gleefully counts calories and scoops protein powder like his life depends on it (maybe it does, I’m no physician).

Some rando named Chase gets the first one-on-one and they go to a yoga studio where they are immediately asked how long they’ve been intimate for. Bleh, cringe. They learn how to ANGER-GASM, which sounds an awful lot like what happens when you have sex with your ex-boyfriend.

angergasm bachelorette

Meanwhile Chad and Canadian Daniel are slowly turning the Bachelor Mansion into a god damn Equinox.

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Look at these fools! Guys you’re like, sweating all over some very nice ottomans.

Chase gets a rose, and it’s time for the classic Bachelor Private Country Concert With A Singer I’ve Never Heard Of. Where the fuck is Rihanna when you need her?! I’m not making out with anybody unless Bitch Better Have My Money is blasting through the speakers.

chase jojo date

The rest of the boyz get a group date card that reads like Schindler’s List. There are like, a thousand names on it and Chad’s pouty ass doesn’t want to go. He doesn’t feel like going on a date with 12 other wangs, okay? Everyone is VERY, DEEPLY offended by this and are not afraid to let him know. (They should be afraid.)

Chad CLAPS BACK by telling Aaron Roger’s brother that he is a 27-year-old failed football player, which is GREAT and completely accurate. He then asks the entire group if they want to fight him before ABC gracefully cuts to a Bachelor-themed Reddi-Whip commercial. Am I more stoned than I realized? None of this is making sense.

On the group date they walk into a theater where a woman is on stage faking an orgasm. They are all horrified.

grant bachelorette sex story

Vinny “has no idea what she’s doing” and has “never heard anything like that” which does NOT bode well for him.

Turns out they’re going to tell funny sex stories to the audience. Instead of writing his, Canadian Daniel is hard at work on his stick drawing:

stick figure bachelorette

Apparently he is illiterate.

In a SHOCKING turn of events, Chad is not being a good sport about the sex story thing. He doesn’t want to talk about his sex life, I assume because he is absolute garbage at it.

Daniel’s up and goes, “She’s tied up at this point… I always carry a knife on me when I’m traveling… Let me chop a piece of her hair off.” GREAT FUCKING STORY, YOU MANIAC. Jesus Christ. If there was a trap door at his feet I am positive Jojo would press a button that’d make him fall into a secret pit and get eaten by a two-headed dragon. (“Wow, what a fun and colorful visual!” -You guys, to me)

Evan plans to make fun of Chad during his sex story, which to me means they boned at the mansion and Evan is about to spill the TEA on Chad’s performance issues. Turns out I’m wrong, and instead he tells the whole audience that Chad does steroids.

chad steroids bachelorette

I am, at this point, scared for Evan’s life. Chad promptly rips Evan’s shirt when he goes to sit down and Evan is SHOCKED! I am the complete opposite of shocked.

It’s Chad’s turn and he says some bullshit about how the past isn’t important, it’s about the future. He tries to kiss Jojo and gets fucking REJECTED, which is hilarious and beautiful. Did I mention he gets booed? He gets booed.

alex crash and burn

Backstage he punches the absolute fuck out of a metal door and tells Evan that he’s going to die and you know what? I believe him. Evan is suddenly a HUGE PUSSY and is all like “Hey man, it was all in good fun” even though it was NOT in good fun.

At the cocktail party Chad explains to Jojo that he wasn’t at all mad about the steroids (HA). He was just mad at Evan for walking past him! Ah, yes. It’s all coming together now.

Evan continues to play with fire by puffing up his chest and asking Chad why he’s here. Like a flaccid dick tryna get up in them guts, Evan keeps pushing and pushing.

chad angry bachelorette

Evan then gives Jojo an ultimatum. He can’t be in the house with Chad, so either he’s going or Chad’s going. UGH, get a life, Evan!! She gives him a rose and I hear myself say, “Ew” without even realizing it.

She puts the rose in the middle of his fucking shirt and it makes him look like a loser.

evan rose bachelorette

“Not on my super cool leather jacket!!” -Evan, trying to win Jojo’s heart.

Chad sees the rose and is like, “Is this real? Is this the real scenario?” I am dying. Dead. Bury me underground. Also is this cocktail party in a terra cotta pottery store?

terra cotta pottery store

They’ve now hired a security guard to watch Chad because shit could pop off at ANY. SECOND. Apparently they’ve also secured his perimeter with the handles of all of their suitcases.

security chad bachelorette

James T. gets the last one-on-one date and they learn how to swing dance. Highlights include James shouting, “Smooth!” every five seconds and a woman in her 90s talking about the good ol’ days. It’s all very G-rated and I’m gettin’ the yawns.

Meanwhile Chad eats a sweet potato like a banana and talks to Canadian Daniel.

chad sweet potato bachelorette

Daniel tries to explain that Chad is the Hitler of the house, and basically Daniel can’t hang around him any more because then the other guys won’t like him. Chad pretends to listen while continuing to eat his farmer’s market finds.

chad lettuce bachelorette

On James’ date, Jojo is trying to decide if there is romantic chemistry between them, aka does she want to fuck him. He sings to her and she cries AGAIN. James is like, constantly making her cry. He gets a rose.

james jojo date kiss

The next day Chris Harrison and his pink linen show up to explain DUN DUN DUNNNN there will be no cocktail party tonight, and instead Jojo is coming over for a pool party.

chris harrison pink linen

They’re all immediately drooling at the thought of her in a bikini except Chad, who obviously doesn’t need to see her in a bikini because, “I know what she probably looks like, I can tell through her dress.” Hey when you’re right, you’re right.

Now I’m pumped, because the pool party is what makes this a dramatic, two-part event.™

to be continued bachelorette

Chad wants to rip everybody’s limbs off so I assume that tonight he will, ya know, rip everybody’s limbs off? Here’s to hoping!!

Read last week’s recap here

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The Bachelorette Recap: “If You Were Making A Protein Shake…”

upset bachelors 2

Look I’m going to be honest, I really shit the bed on this one. My rosé drunk, long-weekend ass didn’t realize this shit wasn’t recording until 8:09, so we’re gonna have to jump right into the action. My bad, y’all. My bad.

I turn on the TV in sheer panic/blind rage, only to find Chad the Villain lifting a DIY luggage weight belt like some kind of deranged lunatic who’s been held in administrative segregation too long. (You guys watch Lockup? You should. It’s great.)

chad workout luggage muscles

Also a bunch of bros are on a group date at a fire station, including Grant the actual fire fighter. No pressure, dude, but if you fuck this up you’re going to be the laughing stock of your entire station. Even the Dalmatian I assume every fire department has is going to be chuckling his spotted doggy face off.

Wells is on the date and he is like, NOT equipped to be a fire fighter. He looks like he should be sipping Perrier on a fucking sailboat, not running through actual flames to save lives. Or as he describes himself, “I’m so much not like everyone else here.”

Gorgeous sentence. He should be a writer.

Wells is suddenly paler than Emma Stone’s upper thigh so I know he’s about to faint. Jojo comes to his aid and now everyone wishes THEY were about to faint. Guys, calm down. Do you really think she wants to fuck a guy who gets light headed after five minutes in a slightly heavy jacket? Negative.

wells faint fire fighter bachelorette

Back at the mansion the rest of the guys write a song about Jojo called, wait for it, Jojo. Sounds like a hit, get Rihanna on the hook and send that shit to Seacrest.

They’re also hanging out in a kitchen that has so much god damn food I am FREAKING. OUT. Look at all this produce!!

bachelor mansion

I mean, my God. How many bell peppers can twenty men need? If you’re a Borrower (a tiny human living in the walls of a house, duh), this is the kitchen you wanna be in.

On the group date it’s down to Grant the fire fighter and Luke the cowboy, in an epic race to save Jojo from a burning building to win more time with her. Obviously Grant is going to crush it because if he doesn’t he will probably leap off the building. But Luke, I gotta say, is a big ol’ bag of yum in the process.

luke bachelorette hot cowboy

Even after Grant wins, Fainty Wells gets the rose. But you know what he doesn’t get? A kiss because LIKE I SAID, there is nothing sexy about weakness and girl is all about the two men who made it to the final challenge like god damn men.

grant jojo kiss bachelorettejojo luke kiss bachelorette

It’s time for her one-on-one date with Derek, and all the dudes are forced to watch them leave in what must be the most emasculating send off of their lives.

send off bachelorette

“Bye Jojo, have fun! Bye Derek, hope you fall off a cliff and break every bone in your body!”

Their date is going to be all about CHOICES, and of course the first thing they do is get on a prop plane. Hi, remember me, Sam Jarvis? The hilarious bitch who HATES PROP PLANES??

bachelorette prop plane date

Like, no. NO. No. Here’s a choice: go fuck yourself. I’m never getting on a prop plane.

Back at the house, Canadian Daniel and Chad the Villain are having a very important meeting for their Black Tank Top Club.

back tank top club bachelorette

Chad thinks everyone is an ingenuine piece of shit, which he explains with the most confusing, absurd protein shake analogy I’ve ever heard in my entire life. Yo, what the FUCK are you talking about? It’s here I realize that Chad is a muscle-obsessed douchenoodle. At first I thought he was just your average bad boy with a chiseled jaw, but the second I piece together luggage weight belts and protein shake analogies it’s like fuck, I am OUT.

On their one-on-one Derek gets choked up talking about his last relationship, which ended three years ago. Dude is like, straight up crying and I immediately think he’s about to say that his high school sweetheart was crushed to death in a tractor accident. Nope, she just cheated on him. Um, yawn. Big fuckin’ deal! Why don’t you cry about it OH WAIT YOU ALREADY ARE.

derek jojo bachelorette date

On the second group date they go to ESPN and play a little game called BachelorNation. I personally wish they’d gone to ESPN Zone for some pop-a-shot, but you can’t win them all. They have to do touchdown dances, someone refers to Jojo as “merchandise,” and everybody has to fake propose to her. Basically, shit is awkward as FUCK.

Chad knows it’s awkward as fuck, and won’t tell her why he loves her because spoiler alert, he doesn’t love her. Girl just wants to hear some good qualities about herself and he promptly calls her NAGGY. Audible gasps. Everyone: outraged. You’d think he just called her a cunt by how flabbergasted they are.

chad naggy bachelorette jojo

Chad’s in the hot seat and explains that he was just being honest. And you know what? Jojo’s bad boy lovin’ ass buys that shit faster than a pair of espadrilles at Saks Off Fifth.

Back in what I assume is the room from Top Chef where they wait to hear who got kicked off because they over salted their pork loin, Chad is starting to unravel.

angry chad bachelorette

He doesn’t get why everyone is obsessed with her and is like, “Is this the first pretty girl y’all have seen?” Chad’s fucked some hot pieces, okay? Don’t get it twisted.

They leave ESPN and go to another cocktail party, where James T. explains to Jojo that although he is not named Abs McGee, he does have a love poem to read her. She CRIES and I have to give it to him, shit was pretty adorable.

More importantly Alex picks the WRONG CHAIR TO SIT IN.

alex tiny chair bachelorette lol

Some Bachelor producer must be real fucking proud of themselves for this shit. They stood in a fancy ass production meeting like, “And we’ll have the short guy sit in this humongous chair!” Raise, benefits, matching 401k for that genius.

Chad is missing at the start of the rose ceremony and of course he’s just sittin’ on the steps of the mansion, whiskey in hand, waiting for Jojo like the start of some weird stalker movie.

chad getting some air

What was the one with Mark Wahlberg where he fingers Reese Witherspoon on a roller coaster and then kills her dog? Fear? It’s like that, kind of.

All the bros are pissed about it and DEMAND. AN EXPLANATION. Chad’s all, I went out to get some air and they’re all, well did you see Jojo? And he’s all yeah I did I said ‘sup and they’re all well what ELSE did you say? It is the dumbest exchange I’ve ever seen and every single one of these guys could benefit from taking a fucking Xanax.

And now for a segment I like to call Chad and His Meats. Chad eats tons and tons of deli meat during this party and I am suddenly starting to think it is possible that Chad is my soulmate.

chad villain deli meat fire bachelorettechad deli meat bachelorette

Maybe that’s really all I need in life and it doesn’t matter if my partner is a complete psycho with serious anger issues, so long as I have someone to sit and eat honey maple turkey with, you know? Things to think about.

In reality Chad is eating all of this meat so he can beef up (LOL) for the big fight he’s about to get in. He explains to BFF Canadian Daniel that everyone here is a pussy to which Daniel responds, “a gang, ey?” Jesus Christ. (“Could he BE any more Canadian?” –Chandler Bing)

Chad keeps cutting into everyone’s time with Jojo and Alex is OVER IT and somehow thinks he can take him. He wants to punch him in the face, which is hilarious because if he swung for Chad’s face I think his fist would land somewhere mid-chest. Chad is 6’4’’, buddy. That is one tall drink of toxic water and he will pound your face in.

Chad gets up in Alex’s grill and goes, “Keep it up and you’re going to lose your teeth.” I am now rubbing my hands together and chuckling, gleefully sipping my vanilla milkshake as I turn up the volume on my TV. Now we’re getting into it!!

Chad gets the final rose and everybody is shocked, JUST SHOCKED, even though he has the best body in the house so really they should be the exact opposite of shocked.

Next week Chad beats the fuck out of somebody, I think. Tune in!

Also, here’s Christian’s dick:

bachelorette christian dick

Read last week’s recap here.

Or other recaps here

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