Does she like Thai food? Does she watch Friends? I need more information.
Tag: bachelor
Me, Trying To Find A Shred Of Humanity In Last Night’s Bachelor Finale
Bachelor Women Tell All recap: “A Buffet Of Glitter And Mic Drops”
We’ve somehow made it to the highly anticipated Women Tell All episode, and let me tell you these women better spill the god damn TEA about each other, because this season has been super fucking boring so far and I’d like to feel the familiar tingle of some dark twisted bachelor dramz fresh off the press. (Longest sentence ever? Maybe!)
Also, why don’t I get invited to these Women Tell All thingys? I live in LA! They probably film it around the corner from my fucking house and yet I get no invitation. Is it because I called Arie a dweeb? Ugh, fine.
The Bachelorette recap: “Let’s Go Meet The Lindsays!”
Like me when I’ve got a Ticketmaster cart full of Beiber pit seats that is :27 from expiring, we are DOWN TO THE WIRE. We’ve got Eric, Peter and Bryan left, so I am settling in for a night of steamy fantasy suites. At least Raven “I’ve never had an orgasm” isn’t here. That shit was a DOWNER.
But Rachel explains that her sister is pregnant as shit, so instead of being separated and meeting her family when it’s down to two, all three of them are going to mosey on over to Casa Lindsay one by one and get that outta the way. I don’t hate it, because honestly the last thing I’d want to do the day after I bone someone for the first time is introduce them to my entire family. 🙂
The Bachelorette recap: “What Does He Want Me To Call Him?”
Welp, my house is filled to the rafters with zucchini noodles, so you know what that means: HOMETOWNS!! Guys, we’re down to the final four and if you aren’t stuffing your face with spiralized squash and Paul Newman’s Sockarooni sauce, ya ain’t doin’ hometowns right!!
Eric’s up first so Rachel is in Balitmore, and is Eric maybe attractive now? He isn’t in a suit that’s twelve sizes too large on him, so now it looks like he mysteriously grew 2 feet.
Cheat Day Got Me Like
Every single day is cheat day at my house.
The Bachelor recap: “I Might Be White But I’m Still A Minority” + Women Tell All
Guys. Grab a snack, pour a beverage, and try to pee, because we are about to settle in for a three hour Bachelor event®, which is longer than I attend most real-life events.
We jump right into the morning-after phase of Raven’s overnight date, and if you’re wondering whether or not he gave her the first orgasm of her sad life, she summarizes the night by explaining that, “Nick is pretty good at what he does, so I’m satisfied.”
I immediately hear myself say ew, while my boyfriend goes, “That lacked subtlety,” before standing up and leaving the room for what I assume will be forever.
The Bachelor recap: “I’ve Never Had An Orgasm Before”
BTW, here’s my Oscars recap in two words: SHIT STORM!
We last left off in Nick’s hotel room before the rose ceremony, where Andi Dorfman had suddenly shown up at his door. They both need a whisky, as we all do when we are about to talk to someone we boned on television.
Meanwhile the girls are standing outside waiting for this fool and it looks cold as shit. (“You better be worth this, Nick!” –Vanessa, who has been very complain-y lately)
When You Can’t Bottle The Crazy
WahhHAHAHAHAHAnobutseriouslyI’msad.
The Bachelor recap: “Everyone Is Rubbing Their Ass On Him Right Now”
You might’ve spent your MLK Monday picking your nose and Liking videos of goats befriending anteaters or some shit, but The Bachelor takes #NoDaysOff, OKAY?
Since last week was To Be Continued, they have to back this ish up and refresh our memories about LIZ, DUN DUN DUNNN. Remember her? He kicked her to the curb, but she’ll probably still put “MET AND FUCKED NICK VIALL AT JADE AND TANNER’S WEDDING” on her headstone (she’s already purchased the plot next to Nick’s great grandmother).
who is sam jarvis 