Guys, let me break down the scene in my living room. We’ve got regulars Ciara and Jordan. But today we’ve also got Katie, and Jordan’s boyfriend Charlie. We’ve got energy balls, which are depleting rapidly. We’ve got wine! We’ve got SHRMP MOTHERFUCKING COCKTAIL! So why all this pomp and circumstance, you ask? Because this episode is HOMETOWNZ, and last year around this time Rachel was visiting Dean’s dad, and Dean was just writhing around on the floor in a tiny ball while his father served everybody mung beans. It’s a fun episode, okay?! My watch party is big this week.

First up is Kendall, who is from LA, so you’d think their daytime activity would be something like LACMA, or punching creepy off-brand furries on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. But nope! She takes him to an abandoned storage unit to show him her IMPRESSIVE collection of taxidermy.

I mean, whoa, girl’s got a lot of bodies in there. She explains how she started this strange hobby, which is that she used to “collect things” while on hikes, and then she discovered that with taxidermy you could keep them forever.

…..So lemme get this straight. Girl was stuffing dead squirrels into the front pocket of her hoodies? That’s how this all began? MMMMMMmmmk. She then makes him MAKE ONE with her, which is honestly just a process that involves holding onto the skin of a rat while the legs dangle all over the place.

My couchmates Ciara and Katie are three minutes into this episode and I’m deciding which one of them is going to barf up their Erewhon salads.

Then we get to Kendall’s parents house, where they have an impressive grape spread, and eat dinner at the kitchen island.

Also? Kendall’s dad is, well, not thrilled to be here.

Also ALSO?? Kendall has a twin sister named Kylie. KENDALL AND KYLIE. But they don’t even ADDRESS the Kardashians (Sacrilegious, guys. Have some respect.), and instead Kendall and Kyle just chat in their mom’s bead room.

Kylie is very into energies and the energy she’s sensing from Arie is, “fake as fuck.” I don’t usually believe in dumb crap like that, but she might be onto something.

The rest of their date goes pretty smoothly, with the only hiccup being that nobody thinks Kendall really likes this guy that much. LOL, I love it. She probably doesn’t! She’s probably put together by now that he’s a dweeb who says things like, “Conversations are awesome.”

Now in Weiner, Arkansas, Arie is ready to see ol’ Tia. They start the day by driving race cars, and honestly I don’t have a screenshot of any of that because it was fucking boring and I’ve already watched people drive around in cars this season. I wanted them to be doing some real redneck shit like tie dying overalls or something.

He then meets her family, who drink a lot of beer and eat a lot of tiny hot dogs.

They also cheers with tiny hot dogs, because Bachelor producers are savage as fuck and can’t leave anyone, even family members, with a shred of dignity.

Tia’s brother Jason has concerns about Arie, because he’s “heard the rumors” about Arie being a kissing bandit. HA! Great. I see they’ve got an internet connection down in Weiner!

Her dad is also concerned, because he thinks Arie might be a lady’s man. Everyone on my couch is now screaming, “HE’S ON THE BACHELOR” because I’m not sure Tia’s dad realizes that homie just dated 28 girls at once so YA, you could call him that.

Arie then makes out with Tia on an adorable back porch, but is tangling up the back of her hair so much that I’m having a physical reaction to it.

STOP DOING THAT. Oh my god, he’s tangling it so much and I can’t focus on anything else. I’m freaking out. (Thanks, crippling anxiety!)

On Becca K.’s date, Arie is in Minnesota and they go apple picking, where Arie finds himself up in a tree like the pussycat he is.

See what I did there? So they pick apples, and then go chill at a place I would like to purchase and move into immediately.

That could totally be my new home! Fuck Los Angeles, I want to live in a house full of caramel!! While they sit and chat outside of my house, Becca warns him that her Uncle Gary is a pastor, and also since her dad died, Uncle Gary is sort of the authority in the house and he’ll probably make Arie shit his pantaloons.

Once he meets her family, we get a sense of what she was talking about during dinner, when Arie and Becca are floating on cloud idiot about their love for each other and her entire family is sort of like, huh? What?

They’re an adorable Minnesota family, okay? They don’t really GET why the shining star of their world is suddenly walking in the front door with a nerd wearing a lav mic. But Uncle Gary talks to Arie, and honestly it seems to go fine. So far this episode is a SNOOZER, and I’m sorry I always use that word particularly around Becca but I just can’t help it. Where is the mungbean drama?!

For Lauren B.’s hometown, Arie finds himself in Virginia Beach, which I’ll be honest I didn’t realize was IN Virginia. Doesn’t it sound like somewhere else? No? I’m stupid? K.

They ride horses for the day, and the lighting is GREAT and they also eat crab legs and drink champagne.

Girl knows how to host, okurr?

So then they get to her house, and I suddenly am struck with the feeling that she still lives in her sorority house.

Are we meeting her mom, or her house mom, ya know? But they go in, and her entire family is sitting super far away from them and sort of just staring at them, and I’m very uncomfortable. So is Arie! It’s fun.

He talks to her dad outside, and her dad is very scary and is a military man, so Arie asks about planes and shit and looks like a dork. But then, THEN, Arie tells her dad about a time when he went to Iraq with a group of race car drivers to hang out with soldiers and this father’s face LIGHTS UP.

I’ve never seen anyone react so positively to this news, and he’s like, REALLY?! You went there?!?!?! (I’m also wondering why soldiers wanted to hang out with race car drivers? Bring ‘em some T. Swift!!)

So her date goes fine too. What the fuck, ABC? I tuned in with a gaggle of people, 40 shrimp cocktails already in my belly, I’m refilling my wine glass with two day old rosé, and you’re giving me NO fun dramz? Ugh. Very disappointed.

At the rose ceremony, all the girls are scared.

But before he hands out roses, he pulls Kendall aside! Everyone is like whaaaa?

He sits down with her and is basically like look girl, I wanna give you a rose but I need to know that you’re ready to get engaged. She doesn’t really understand the question (lol) and answers with, “I really like you!”

She also isn’t ready to get engaged just yet, but hopes to be soon. Ya know, in like 7 days when they film the proposal, we hope.

They return, and Arie’s roses go to Becca, Lauren, and Kendall, in that order. Tia is shook.

She is straight SOBBING as he walks her out, and honestly it’s pretty triste. It doesn’t help that his explanation is, “I don’t have a good explanation.” Verrrrry productive, thank you. That will ease her healing process.

The sobs continue in the van, and hearts in America are breaking everywhere.

They are just teeing up that bachelorette slot for our girl TT!

Next week is I think the women tell all? And the fantasy suites? I was half listening during the promos so I don’t really know what is in store for us beyond a TWO NIGHT SPECIAL EVENT. Between this shit and Winter Games, watching Bachelor franchise shows is quickly becoming my 9 to 5. …That I don’t get paid for.

Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here. 

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