Guys, I’m going to be real with you because like Rachel Lindsay would say, I like to “keep it 100.” I missed last week’s recap because I was shooting a really cool project and was going to just recap last week’s here for you today along with the new one, but once you watch a new episode you’re kind of like, emotionally moved on from the previous one? So I’m not fucking recapping last week. Sowwy.

We kick off this week with the girls in Ft. Lauderdale, which Arie describes as, “one of the most beautiful places to fall in love.” Um, I can think of at least 50 places that are more beautiful to fall in love. Paris, Florence, New York, Miami, Berlin, Buenos Aires, Barcelona, Madrid, Tokyo, Costa Rica, Knoxville Tennessee, Savannah, Charleston, Amsterdam, Bali, Indonesia, New Zealand, Australia, Iceland, Machu Pichu, Telluride, Hawaii, Austin, Portugal, Bora Bora, Macau, Ibiza, Milan, Santorini, Cape Town, Istanbul, Rio de Janiero, Havana, Alaska, New Orleans, Maldives, Marrakesh, Rome, Kyoto, Chicago, Santa Barbara, Venice, Playa del Carmen, Oslo, Dubai, Cyprus, Holland, Prague, Bruges, and Gijón.

ANYWAY! So they’re in fucking Ft. Lauderdale. Chelsea gets the first one on one, and Arie’s half body tattoo is honestly alarming.

That is like, really massive and confusing to me. They hang out on a yacht, and Arie is super impressed that she can drive a jet ski even though it requires almost no skill at all and I assume someone who is raising a child can figure out how to press a throttle. Also Chelsea is dealing with a lot of high humidity flyaways and I’ve never felt for a person more.

AMIRIGHT, LADIES?! Geez. Later that night Chelsea talks about how her ex left her when their child was six months old, and this makes Arie muy triste.

Yep, he’s in full blown Frown Town. He of course gives Chelsea the rose, and it takes me way back to the beginning of the season when we thought she was going to be the villain and we just didn’t see Krystal coming, ya know?! Simpler times.

On the group date the next day, Arie takes all of them bowling. Because you know what sparks adventure? Doing things you’ve never done before and sharing new experiences. Like going to a bowling alley. You know, that thing that none of us have done ever before, if you don’t count the one billion times we’ve all already gone to a bowling alley.

What I get really excited about on the ol’ lanes, is that everyone is drinking from pitchers of beer and I know some crazy shitstorm is about to happen. Take it from someone who once drank too many Jack and cokes at a bowling alley, bowled a 55 and then cried on the way home while I tried not to pee my pants… I know that people drink and get real upset at bowling alleys.

They bowl in teams, and the blue team wins so that means they get more time with Arie. Except then he flips the god damn SCRIPT on them and says that the pink team can also hang out longer. Krystal seems irritated about it, but then we abruptly cut to footage of them back at the hotel getting ready for the second half of the date and clearly something has, um, GONE DOWN.

Supposedly she was having a fucking meltdown on the bus about how Arie is a liar?? Ugh, what I wouldn’t give for some hot mic bus audio a lá Trump and Billy Bush. Just any little nugget of sound from this bus ride, y’all! That’s all I want.

Anyway so Krystal is like, MAD and in her ROBE and is NOT coming to the second half of the date, because if you disrespect the god damn blue team she is going to LET YOU KNOW.

Krystal doesn’t come downstairs for the cocktail party, so Arie has to go talk to her (does he tho?).

He talks to her about why she’s being a crazy bitch, and she’s just HURT. Like, it HURTS HER that he said one thing and then did another thing. Honestly it’s a little murky for me, but I think what she should say is HEY ASSHOLE, I’M SUPER FUCKING HAMMERED RIGHT NOW SO I’M LOSING MY SHIT A LITTLE BIT. Honesty is my policy.

Back at the cocktail party, Becca has been in her heels too long.

Like, if that isn’t the most relatable fucking image in all of Bachelor history, I don’t know what is.

Krystal then decides to come downstairs, and tries to but then leaves again? It’s unclear if Arie even knew she came back down but I think it’s safe to say that girl needs to GO TO BED. Sleep it off, hun. Bekah, like myself, is super over it.

Lauren B. sits down with Arie and wants to play 21 questions, even though she clearly doesn’t know how to play that game because he’s supposed to be guessing like, an object that you’re thinking of. He isn’t supposed to just answer 21 random questions like what’s your favorite color? Also do adults have favorite colors?? Is that a thing? I guess it is, because she gets the group date rose even though taxidermy enthusiast Kendall is quickly becoming queen of my fucking soul.

Tia gets the second one on one and they go to the everglades. This feels right up Tia’s alley, and they look at crocodiles and meet fuckin’ sweet ass Gerald and hang out in his swamp home.

Also he is missing the nail on his middle finger, NBD.

That night they go to like, an empty seafood restaurant?? It looks like a Dick’s Last Resort to me, but maybe it’s nicer. Who knows. There’s literally no way to find out.

She tells him that even though she’s from a small town she lives in the city now, and by city she means Little Rock, Arkansas. Aaaaaaadorable. She also tells him she’s falling in love with him, and even though I want to cringe and die at how early on she’s saying these words, she is SO FUCKING GORGEOUS that there is just no way he gives a fuck how early it is.

She gets the rose, because she’s a bomb ass bitch who might be the next bachelorette.

At the pre-rose cocktail party, Krystal tries to explain to everyone that she wasn’t hiding in her room the other night, she was just discovering and investigating herself. Sounds like somebody was spending a little QT with her hand mirror, if you know what I’m saying! (Masturbation jokes are a no?? Email me your thoughts with the subject line “Masturbation Jokes: Yay or Nay?”)

Kendall gets some time with Arie, and proceeds to ask him if he would ever eat human flesh.

I mean, god bless her. These are the things I NEED to know about Arie. Who gives a flying fuck how much he likes the color blue!! I want to know if he would chomp on a god damn thigh if he needed to.

Krystal tells the girls that if they want to discuss her going full psycho the other night (I’m paraphrasing), that she’s happy to discuss it one on one and Kendall is like bitch, I’ll talk to you! Bekah talks to her too and is basically like hi, you’re insane. Which is a lot coming from Bekah, who is wearing a full on white padded corset right now that is screaming JK I’M THE INSANE ONE.

But Krystal doesn’t like what the girls are saying to her, so she is just super done with all of them and marks this occasion by saying, “Glitter!” which I believe is similar to “Boy, Bye” and I’ll be using it for the next 3-9 months absolutely all the god damn time. Did you want your check? Glitter! Do you like my boyfriend? Glitter! Why are you in a ball crying on your bathroom floor? GLITTER!

But she finally gets a chance to talk to Arie, where she explains that she has some bowling alley trauma from her past. UM, say what now? Apparently she grew up in a bowling alley and all her mom’s fuck bois gave her false promises or something, I honestly don’t even know and neither does Arie. All I know is girl was HAP-PY to be at the bowling alley when her team was winning. No sign of trauma then, ya dig?

She then is like look, babe, this is just our first fight! Isn’t that cute? And Arie goes, “This might be our last,” which is a weird catty clap back for such a fucking dweeb.

Krystal is trying not to sweat this shit though, and tells the cameras that she hopes Arie can see her for who she is… hopeful, kind, futuristic. Like damn, I hate this girl so much and yet I want to steal all of her catchphrases and words. The next time someone asks how I would describe myself I’m going to say FUTURISTIC!! And then immediately bust out the robot. I think it’ll definitely make me look cool.

At the rose ceremony THREE girls are going to go home, and when Krystal gets the final rose over Marikh, Maquel and Ashley, Bekah straight up looks like she’s going to barf.

These, producers, man. Savage as fuck.

Also Arie and Chris Harrison are basically in the same suit, so that’s cute.

Tune in next week to see the girls in Paris! You know, the FIRST place I listed as a “beautiful place to fall in love.”

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