Bringing a guy home to meet your family is cool until four seconds after you walk in the front door. Then everyone starts being so them and it’s like eeeee we should get going!

Amanda gets the first hometown date, and we know it’s going to be all about dem tiny tots. It’s pretty presh, except Ben almost lets one of her children wander into the ocean.

Little Charlie screams for the entire duration of the car ride home and it’s like good, let it out, babe. Show Ben what he’s in for because if he thinks parenting is all fun and octopus sand toys he’s got another thing coming.

At this point Ben looks COMPLETELY fucking wiped and is probably wishing it was his nap time too. Kids, amiright? Fak.

Amanda’s dad starts their conversation by going, “So, um…” which is basically the only thing a father can say at a time like this. They talk, and here is Ben realizing that he is in over his head:

Yuuup, that’s the face of somebody ready to be a father.

On Lauren B’s date, she takes him to a food truck and I have to say that is the fucking move, girl. I took my boyfriend to a food truck the other day and we shared a bratwurst AND a smile.

Lauren is stoked because they’re just “eating lunch, walking around,” which is truly the crux of every relationship. Pepper in a little couch sitting and that honestly is like, ALL it is.

I assume they are killed by a rogue food truck and have drifted off to heaven, because they are now in a whiskey bar that cannot possibly exist on this planet. Mama like.

She brings him home to meet Dave, Christie, Bryant… everybody!! In what can only be described as he whitest, most picture perfect family I have ever seen in my life. They are the cover of a board game’s god damn DREAM.

Seriously, Chutes and Ladders should take this image and photoshop their product into it.

Also Lauren has a hot sister. Ben can’t put into words how he feels about her (Lauren, not the hot sister), and he is now crying real tears. I am CRINGING but her sister fucking LOVES this shit. Look how into it she is:

Lauren tells her parents that Ben is her person and now SHE’S crying. And now I’M crying! (JK, the only thing I cry for is Biggest Loser makeover week and I need to take a decongestant after that beautiful magic.)

Also this is every father trying to talk sense into his kid/that same kid wanting NONE OF IT:

Nice try, Mr. Bushnell! Also Lauren totally fucking bails on saying I love you to Ben, and I want to call her a pussy until I realize that if I were on this show trying to say I love you to someone I would just stand there making very strange and uncomfortable facial expressions. (All of my friends are nodding at their computers going yep, that’s Sam.)

He leaves and it’s on to Caila and this god damn bench she’s obsessed with.

They go to her dad’s TOY FACTORY, which is fucking legit as HELL. A toy factory? Yes. They’re going to build this house and I’m thinking ya know, a doll house. Instead they build like, one of those plastic Playskool houses you keep in your yard that after it rains gets all wet and shitty. Ben is oddly pumped about it though so what the hell do I know about plastic fucking houses.

Everyone is happy for them, including this applauding factory worker.

We meet her parents, and I can’t stop giggling at her father. I honestly don’t even know why. He is just cracking me the fuck up tonight.

Caila cries and says things like, “Daddy, I know this is it.” She also refers to her mom as mommy fifty thousand times and I don’t know why it is creeping me out to my core, but it’s probably because she keeps whispering it like a god damn psychopath.

I’m suddenly convinced she’s too smiley and may eventually turn into that woman from Misery, but that’s my marijuana-induced paranoia for you. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, Ben!! Did somebody just knock on my door??

We’re onto Jojo’s date, which starts with her getting a bouquet of roses. This makes me immediately wary because of said paranoia, but also because you and I both know Ben gives out one rose at a time.

She reads this letter, slowly realizing that it’s not from Ben. Umm, what the fuck is going on and WHO the FUCK is CHAD. Also what grown ass man named CHAD does his L’s like that when writing the word love? Something is fishy here. Might be the tilapia I ate for dinner, but I think it’s the CHAD.

Apparently her ex has had time to think while she’s been gone for 39 days (let it sink in that all these betches have only been away for 39 days). But was Jojo WITH CHAD 39 days ago?? So many unanswered questions. Also fuck these Bachelor producers. She legit thought Ben was saying I love you and it turns out it was fuckin’ CHAD!

She cries and explains to Ben WHO THE FUCK CHAD IS and here is his face as she does so:

Thrilled. Anyway they’re off to Jojo’s parents house, which is a total shit hole.

Her brothers hate him (“He’s no Chad!!” -One of them, I’m sure). But you know what? I don’t care if they hate Ben, because I hate them. Now we all hate each other.

Jojo’s mom is like yeahhhh this is a little much for me, and swigs straight from the god damn bottle of champs like a woman after my own heart.

One of the brosefs is like “I don’t know if you were coached on your answers…” Basically he is grilling Ben like a fucking sirloin. I’m sure all Ben wants to do is be like hi, remember how we’re on a TV show? K.

At the rose ceremony, Jojo’s body is BANANAZ and they all stand there like wax wife mannequins.

Lauren B. gets the first rose, then Caila. Nice knowin’ ya, Amanda. Ain’t nobody gonna give up on Jojo’s fine ass. She could belong to the fucking Manson family and 10 out of 10 bachelors are bringing her into that fantasy suite.

Amanda is irritated that he sent her back to LA only to send her home again at a rose ceremony. I FEEL HER and think this is an excellent point until I realize she lives like, not that far from LA. Maybe an hour and a half.

Next week Ben says I love you to two women, which is throwing me for a LOOP. Is that allowed? There are rules, you know. I think. Aren’t there? Shit.

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