Bachelor in Paradise: “Who Has The Better Vagina?”

September 5, 2017September 5, 2017Leave a comment

Like a vibrator in need of a new set of batteries, I am starting to lose steam. It’s probably because two fucking episodes a week of this show is pure insanity and I don’t have the emotional stamina for it, OR it could be that I continue to make poor dietary choices and therefore spend half my time feeling tired and the other half wondering if I’m having a heart attack. Sigh.

But tonight’s episode was one only hour, so maybe I WILL get enough sleep and can be a high-functioning adult tomorrow! (I’d settle for a low-functioning adult at this point.)

Continue reading →

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “All My Wish Bracelets Came True”

August 31, 2016August 31, 20161 Comment

I’m going to take this time to let you all know that on my deathbed, I would really love it if someone would blast the Bachelor in Paradise theme song, morning to night, up until my last breath. Like, I want everyone sobbing as I mouth, “ALMOST PARADISE, WE’RE KNOCKING ON HEAVEN’S DOOR. ALMOST PARADISE, HOW COULD WE ASK FOR MORE? I SWEAR THAT I CAN SEE FOREVER IN YOUR EYES… PARADISE.”

But that won’t be for another 70 years, so let’s focus on today. Continue reading →

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “He’s Skinny But He’s Cute”

August 30, 2016October 19, 20161 Comment

I want you guys to know that I’m at my parents house this week, and instead of spending precious time with the people who birthed and raised and supported me, here I sit on the living room floor drinking rosé and watching what appears to be week 40 million of this thing. That’s how much I love you guys. (And this entire beautiful franchise.)

Like every episode this season, we left off with Ashley crying about Jared.

Continue reading →

Bachelor In Paradise Recap: “I Can Make Out With His Mind”

August 24, 2016August 24, 20164 Comments

We are now at the point in the season when there are too many people in paradise, so the opening credits go on FOREVER and it’s like guys, tonight’s episode is only an hour and I’m pretty sure you burned up at least twelve minutes showing who’s all here. Just get to the good shit and we’ll figure it out!!

So Izzy’s having doubts about Vinny, and also wants to go to pound town with Brett. She talks with Vinny about all of this and dude is heart. broken. He was falling for this girl and she’s throwing it away on somebody’s looks! Vinny cries, Vinny leaves.

Continue reading →

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “No One Falls In Love On A Horse”

August 16, 2016August 16, 20162 Comments

Do they provide SPF in paradise, or are all of these people going to look 90 when they’re 42? (“Hi Grandma!” “I’m not your grandma, I’m your mom.”)

We left off with Evan standing on a cliff’s edge, trying to be talked down by a suicide negotiator. Okay technically he was on his way to pull Amanda away from Josh, but those two activities are sort of one in the same to me.

Continue reading →

Bachelor In Paradise Recap: “So Do You Both Have Scoliosis?”

August 9, 2016August 10, 20162 Comments

I know you guys SAY the Olympics are cool, but if Chris Harrison isn’t hosting them I’m really not interested. (“What an incredible journey… of swimming laps in a pool.” –Chris at the Olympics)

We kick things off with a few new cast intros, which include Lace in all her elegance.

Meanwhile Chad’s in what I like to call the See Ya Never Van, drinking like a god damn fish while everybody else sits in the sand talking about that time he said he was going to murder everyone’s family.

Continue reading →

The Bachelorette Recap: “Do You Want Ice Cream Or Do You Want Steak?”

June 8, 2016June 8, 20162 Comments

Is there anything more magical than unpredictable rage on national television? (Being surrounded by puppies who were rescued from a fire, duh.)

Let’s jump right into this pool party. Papa Chris Harrison forces Chad to apologize and he is not great at it. He knows it’s a piss poor effort, but he keeps it movin’ and drinks the most strange colored green juice on the planet. It might be straight Chlorophyll.

Everybody has a great time humping inflatable flamingos and I’m just praying to god they’re all wearing sunblock because you know what’s scarier than Chad? SKIN CANCER.

Speaking of skin, Jojo must have told the producers that she’s attracted to gigantic, horrible tattoos. Every fucking guy in this house is PROUDLY rocking one.

They all jump in the pool and Evan’s nose immediately starts bleeding, which is exactly what I would expect from him. I bet he’s also allergic to peanuts.

Chad wants to talk to Derek, who is a pretty big dude to be so scared of Chad. Every time they cut to Derek he is bitching about how terrified he is.

Chad is fucking pissed as shit at everybody and basically says KEEP MY NAME OUTCHA MOUTH. He is in a sour ass mood about it but I’d love for him to take a moment and appreciate his surroundings. He is battling unrestrained rage in the most beautiful, picturesque room ever.

At the rose ceremony the only thought I have is SLAY, JOJO, SLAY. This fucking crop top number is WORK-ING. I think I’m going to stop eating (after lunch).

All the dudes are stressing the fuck out about the possibility of Chad getting a rose and they go on and on about how “there are good guys here.” Yeah, good guys she has no interest in boning, ya dorks. Who gives a flying fuck if Nick’s a good guy, he showed up day one in a full on Santa Suit. He’s got. To go.

Alex gets a rose before Chad and he suddenly shoots to the tippity top of Chad’s Kill List.

We’re down to the final rose, and we all know Chad’s getting it. As he does, I laugh to myself while remembering Evan’s dumb ultimatum. He just immediately caved. GO HOME, EVAN. YOU PROMISED.

Jojo tells the remaining guys to pack their bags! Are they going to Morocco? Turks and Caicos??

Pennsylvania. Neat. Alex is excited about it, and I hope someone packed him a bologna sandwich and his footie pajamas.

I mean fuck, Alex. I get that you’re short but you have to at least ACT like a god damn man. You know who I don’t want to marry? The guy who gets to a beautiful suite at a nice resort and immediately slides down the banister. Not sexy.

Luke gets the one-on-one and they go dog sledding. In my head I have already named all of the dogs: Benjamin, Donald, Ricardo, Sasha, Melissa, Trevor, Jacqueline, and Ray.

Now they get into a hot tub in the middle of the forest. I’m worried they’re going to get skeeter bites out there but that’s just me, constantly ruining the vibe. BTW, Luke is looking FINE AS HELL. I don’t know what it is about that quiet motherfucker but he is smokin’ hot.

I mean, that is ideal.

They get to talking and it’s clear as day that war veteran Luke has seen some shit. Like, some real scary shit. Jojo wants to find out more and I wanna be like girl, I don’t know if you do! Once you open Pandora’s box I hear it’s fucking hard to close.

Back at the hotel everyone talks about the possibility of a 2-on-1 date and Alex goes, “I’m not about that life.” I literally hate Alex more than I hate Chad. Science fact: if you use the phrase “not about that life” with 100% seriousness there is a 0% chance you will be welcome in my bed.

In sexy steamy love land, Luke explains that he used to be a lieutenant in Afghanistan and his best friend was killed in the line of duty. What did I tell you? Seen. Some Shit. Jojo is all over him like me on cupcakes:

Girl is IN. You know what Luke would never do? Slide down a banister. After dinner she surprises him with ANOTHER private country concert, and when I say private I mean not private.

It’s actually fucking adorable and if I had drank even one glass of wine tonight I would be sobbing hysterically right now. Guys. They’re like, in love already.

On the group date they go to a football field and meet Ben Roethlisberger (took me over five minutes to spell that right). They do some drills, Aaron Roger’s brother is jizzing his pants at the mere thought of the ol’ pigskin, and things start to get competitive.

Suddenly James T. is crying blood. Dude got hit in the face and needs stitches.

Because everyone in the world is on this group date, the only people left to hang back are Luke, Alex and Chad. Chad explains the logic behind his aggression and how if someone doesn’t stop talking, “the only way I can get you to shut your mouth is to hit you.” Here is Luke’s reaction to that sentence:

Somebody should pass that info along to Jojo so that one day she doesn’t go rambling on about her Sephora haul and suddenly finds herself with a fat lip. Which to be honest, might give her more surface area for the lipstick she got from Sephora!!

Back on the field, Evan feels dangerous.

LOL. While Aaron Roger’s brother was “dropping dimes out there” (gag) Evan gets his SECOND nosebleed of the week. Is he an aggressive nose picker, what’s the deal? The blue team wins in overtime and gets more time with her.

At the cocktail party Aaron Roger’s brother is afraid to open up to her, but then he does. Great storyline, guys. A real page turner. He tells her he’s falling for her and subsequently gets the rose.

And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for, the 2-on-1. Before they go, Chad asks who has a problem with him and they all raise their hands. Chad calls Alex a whiny little bitch and asks him if he wants to go outside. Then GRANT calls CHAD a coward, and Chad asks GRANT if he wants to go outside. Chad sure does invite a lot of people outside. I mean look, maybe he just loves the outdoors and wants to play a round of corn hole.

Apparently I’m wrong, because the next thing I know Chad walks up to Aaron Roger’s brother and goes, “You think this is a show? You’re safe for now, but one day this ends. When this ends, you go home. When you go home, you think I can’t find you?” I am screaming at my TV. Literally screaming.

Meanwhile Alex gets ready for the date by putting on what I assume are his lucky USA socks.

So many nopes with Alex. All of the nopes. Also, observation: 99% of The Bachelorette is just dudes sitting closer to each other than they’re comfortable with.

Wells says that there is terror surrounding this date and right he is! Alex and Chad immediately get into a helicopter and I’ll tell ya right now there is no way in hell I would get into a helicopter with Chad. I am honestly SHOCKED he didn’t shove Alex out of it.

They meet Jojo in the woods and go on a hike. Of course right away the Bachelor producers give Chad a machete and Alex a hatchet, just to make things interesting.

This date is awkward. They sit on a blanket and Chad talks about floating down rivers.

Jojo chats with Alex, who obviously rats Chad out immediately. Although I fucking hate Alex, he is a genius for telling Jojo that her beloved Aaron Roger’s brother was threatened.

Jojo asks Chad if he threatened Aaron Roger’s brother and he goes, “I mean, it’s…” which is never a good way to start an answer. He doesn’t know what to tell you, Jojo! He may have said something to that effect but they were all PUSHING, PUSHING. Jojo is basically like what the actual fuck are you talking about.

Chad whistles as he walks back towards Alex, which is exactly what a serial killer does before chopping someone into a million pieces.

The two of them are now in the most asinine conversation I have ever heard in my life. Chad goes, “Life ain’t all about blueberries and paper airplanes,” and then suddenly they’re arguing about milk. Once I finally get a grasp on the milk convo, they’ve moved on to Alex saying, “Hay’s in the barn” and Chad replying with, “Pigs are in the castle.”

Am I watching Drinking Out Of Cups or something? Did they eat shrooms off camera on this fucking hike?? What the shit is going on.

Alex gets the rose because obviously Chad is going to murder everyone in the house if he stays. Personally, I’d like to see both of these fools leave. Chad peaces out and walks through the woods in complete darkness.

News travels back to the house about Chad’s departure and wow, dez boyz are CELEBRATING. They toastin’, they party poppin’, they drankin’.

It feels like the episode is about to end on the ultimate high note of an 80s-style freeze frame, but suddenly CHAD IS KNOCKING ON THE FUCKING DOOR. I am freaking out right now and am positive that I will have nightmares for the rest of the week.

Thankfully The Bachelorette would never end on such a chilling moment, because they actually leave us with Canadian Daniel attempting to mount Evan.

Tune in in TWO WEEKS (all of the sads) to see what the FUCK Chad is doing at the front door. I may be going out on a limb here, but I think he came back to get his phone charger. No? Hm.

Read Monday night’s recap here. Or the rest of them here.

Follow me on Twitter, but only if you want to.

The Bachelor Recap: “I Hope It’s Not All About Flying Kites Today.”

February 16, 2016February 16, 2016Leave a comment

You know when your boyfriend is all excited to show you his hometown, but then it turns out he drives a pontoon boat everywhere? Ya.

That’s right, y’all. We’re in Warsaw, Indiana, which is only about 26 times bigger than Chris Soules’ tiny shit town. Remember that nonsense? “This used to be a bar, this used to be the post office.” It was like fuck, Chris. This place is the WORST.

Ben greets the girls by rollin’ up in that fucking pontoon boat and every time I see it I giggle. These are the type of girls who would call their parents and be like, “Mom! He has a BOAT!” and forget to mention that its max speed is like, 3 miles per hour.

Lauren B. gets the first date card, and they go to a community center to play with kids. It’s cute, her ovaries are screaming HOLY SHIT BEN WILL BE A GREAT DAD, and then we meet Ronnie the Motherfucking Half Court King. He is DRAINING shots and it’s like paging Hollywood, somebody get this kid a reality show.

Ben and Lauren clear their shit up, and it looks like it’s gonna be smooth sailing for these cuties.

JoJo gets the second date, and I can’t stop staring at her ass. She has SUCH a good ass. Girl, you been doing squats or some shit? My abs are sore from 30 crunches yesterday, if you’d like to know how my workout regimen is going.

The two of them spend the day in Chicago and I honestly cannot think of a more perfect place in the entire world. Just shits all over Warsaw. Sure, I’m from Chicago and think it’s the best city ever, but that does not mean I’m biased even though I 100% am.

They go to Wrigley Field and Ben says he is a Cubs fan no fewer than 45 times. He REALLY LOVES THE CUBS and I know my besties from home are beaming with joy about the fact that all he wants to do in life is fly the W. (Hi Ash, Hi Nat!)

They lie down on the grass (not lay, don’t even fucking try me), and it is so beautiful. Eat shit, Fault In Our Stars poster, this is how you chill on some grass.

Seriously could this date get any more LOVELY???

Ben is falling for JoJo. He says so. And then he says SO MANY MORE WORDS. He goes on and on and on about feelings and thoughts and love and girl is basically like:

It’s here that I realize JoJo is 24 years old. 24!!! This bitch that, in my mind, I want to be like when I grow up, is younger than me. Life really is sad, isn’t it? Wow.

Back at what I’m guessing is an Airbnb the girls get the 3-on-1 date card and Emily’s name isn’t called, which means she gets the final one on one. She is not at all excited about it.

She thinks she still has a shot in this, and suddenly I hear my boyfriend’s voice asking, “Has he kissed the twin yet?” which startles me because I am so engrossed in the television that I hadn’t even noticed he sat down next to me and for a second I’m thinking holy shit, my throw pillows really HAVE been watching TV with me!! I knew it!

On the 3-on-1 date Caila, Becca and Amanda fly kites with Ben and I bet they’re wondering where all the fun helicopter dates went. It honestly looks like they’re shooting the cover of a self-help book over here.

Becca is unraveling slowly but surely, although it’s hard to tell because she hasn’t made a single facial expression since the dawn of time. Also Caila and Ben talk, and Caila has SUCH GOOD HAIR. What is she, not drinking every night or something? Geez.

She moved 17 times before college, which in my book is about 17 times too many. If my parents tried to move I would stand in front of my fucking house and not let them do it, like George Banks when Eugene Levy tried to demolish his home in Father of the Bride Part Two. The point is, Caila pictures herself as moss.

Amanda gets the group rose, because obvi he has to validate that he wants to meet her kids. The other girls are muy triste about it. Becca has a family too, guys!

Although let’s be real if you’re going to be sad, this is a good place to be sad in:

Pret-ty nice.

Amanda gets more one on one time because she got the rose, so naturally they go to McDonalds because the ABC execs want me to pretend I don’t remember that weird fucking commercial Ben did three weeks ago. We get it, The Bachelor is sponsored by McDonalds. You don’t have to beat me over the god damn head with it by repeating the word McMuffin until my ears bleed. Amanda is probably going, “Can I talk about my feelings, or do I have to say breakfast all day again?”

However not gonna lie, this is my perfect date.

(Those fries really are made out of pure crack cocaine. They must be, right? Who’s regulating that shit??)

Next they go to a carnival, where he tries to kiss her on a carousel. It is very awkward because you know, the horses keep going up and down. Classic carousel behavior.

The next day Lauren B. sits with Amanda and goes, “You came home so happy. Tell me about it,” which is NOT what I would say to some betch who’s dating the same guy as me. I think it would go more like, “Hm, your coffee tastes weird? That is so odd. Oh hey, can somebody put the Drano back on the top shelf? Thanks!!!!!” (Haha get it?! Murder.)

It’s time for Emily’s date, and I know her days are numbered. And by days I mean day. This is definitely her final day.

She meets his parents and has a severe case of word vomit, where she pukes up maybe every word she’s ever learned, including “Denver Broncos cheerleader,” which is what every man’s mother wants to hear is the career goal of her future daughter-in-law. She also admits that she is average at everything and it’s like girl, keep that to yourself!

Ben’s mom cries. That is how much she hates Emily. Emily however, thinks “this is just the beginning.” She is of course mistakenly referring to the beginning of their love story and not the beginning of her long ass travel day flying back to Vegas.

Ben sits her down and dumps her ass and she is basically like damn, Gina. She MET HIS PARENTS and here she is, dropped on her head like so many of my friends when they were babies.

Everyone is upset about her departure. I mean, they are ALL crying. Are they cycle sisters, or what? (I am not above a period joke. I’m probably BELOW a period joke at this point.)

The rose ceremony looks fucking freezing, and Ben doesn’t know what to do because he pictures himself falling in love with five girls, which is HILARIOUS. Anyway he sends Becca home and she is pissed, okay? Pissed.

She told that mother fucker not to blindside her and here he goes, blindsiding her even though she kind of knew it was coming?

Next week is hometowns!!!! Do we think Ben can handle Amanda’s screaming children? Will Caila’s home without roots be enough?? I don’t know. I just don’t know.

Check out more of my recaps here.

The Bachelor Recap: “There’s Our Boyfriend.”

January 26, 2016February 10, 2016Leave a comment

This season is really starting to hit its stride, and as usual there are a few girls trudging behind the pack like that one slow ass rhino in Jumanji.

We head to Vegas, where JoJo gets the first date card. Olivia acts like she’s cool as a fucking cucumber about it because she’s, “Zen with Ben,” but you and I both know she is starting to crack and is probably giving herself pep talks in the mirror. (That mirror, she will later realize, is actually a houseplant.)

A helicopter comes to pick up Ben and JoJo and it blows her away! No literally. It smashes their champagne and everything goes flying.

Back at the hotel they read the names on the group date card and that shit goes on FOREVERRRRR. The only way it could possibly sound more like a list of the top 50 baby names of 2015 would be if one of them was named Madison.

On the date, they are all going to be in a talent show. Ahh, yes. I have a feeling some of these ladies are talent-LESS and that’s going to make it MUY INTERESANTE.

Olivia goes on and on about this secret talent she has planned and everyone including me is over it. Is she going to shoot ping pong balls out of her pussy or something? Whatever it is, she is taking it 100% too seriously.

Now. When I say her cake-strip-tease is awkward, I mean it is very, very awkward. Let me tell you something. If you ever have to get on stage in front of people and think to yourself, “I’m just going to wing it,” that shit NEVER WORKS.

After the talent show Caila and Ben make out and he calls her a SEX PANTHER, which makes me giggle. (She does kiss very aggressively so, perhaps he has a point.) What does NOT make me giggle, is Lauren H. kissing the ventriloquist doll.

Olivia, you should be feeling pretty fucking good at this point because watching Lauren kiss this doll is BY FAR one of the most horrifying things I’ve ever seen in my entire life and I’ve basically forgotten about your panic attack .

But Olivia HAS NOT forgotten about her panic attack. She has to talk to Ben. She HAS to explain why the fuck she jumped out of a god damn cake in front of 1,200 people. But Ben’s eyes are glazing over as if he’s using all of his brain power to subdue the boner that’s still lurking in his pants from ol’ Sex Panther Caila.

For Becca’s one on one date she gets sent a wedding dress and these thirsty bitches are soooo jealous. She meets him at a chapel and he pretends to propose to her, which is supposed to be cute except you can see on her face that home girl is TRIPPING OUT about it and def DOES NOT want to marry Ben. Look at her eyes. Sheer terror.

For their date Ben officiates weddings, and as I watch all of these adorable, normal couples get married I just keep smoking more and more weed and thinking to myself wow, I am going to be SO HAPPY on my wedding day. (I also ate four tacos during this time. I lead a rich life.)

Back at the hotel, I can’t tell if the girls are starting to get tired of all this bullshit or not.

We think there’s a rose ceremony soon but hot damn, Ben wants to go on a 2-on-1 date with the TWINS!! This is crazy. I get it, they share a car, have the same job… it’s a little creeps and he’s got to pick one. (Now I am wondering what their actual job is, since under the employment section all it says is, “Twin.”)

He goes to their house, which is full of overweight dachshunds and photos of Haley’s ex-boyfriend. Subsequently, Haley is gone.

It’s finally time for the rose ceremony and I’m wondering how many goddamn cocktail dresses these girls have to bring on this show. So many dresses!! Olivia has another conversation with Ben where he stares blankly at her, having no idea what she’s talking about. He then talks to Jubilee and she is the fucking best. She is a bad bitch and I love her for it.

Olivia isn’t worried about not getting a rose because, “I read a lot of romance novels where things just come together.” Of course she reads romance novels. Of course.

Rachel (“Who?” –You) and Amber get kicked off and Amber is fucking mad about it. As soon as she starts walking away I say to my boyfriend, “She is so ready to take those heels off-” And as soon as the words leave my mouth she takes those damn heels off. Girls, amiright? We get each other.

Next week we’re off to Mexico, where Olivia tells Amanda she’s like a bad episode of Teen Mom or something? Not sure. Gonna be weird.

Check out more of my recaps here.

The Bachelor Recap: “It’s Either Good News, Or Bad News.”

January 19, 2016January 19, 2016Leave a comment

Me: “What is, girls are mean?”

Alex Trebek: “Ah I’m sorry, we were looking for, complete bitches.”

I’ve always said that putting your best foot forward involves trashing Olivia. I’ve ALWAYS said that. We kick off with girls sitting on chaise loungers wondering why, HOW, Ben likes her. If you ladies at home are wondering the same thing, go ahead and ask your boyfriend (who you’ve tied to the couch and forced to watch this). He’ll tell you. She’s fucking hot.

Lauren B. gets the first date card, prompting one of the girls to explain that the highlight of her day is, “those glimpses that I get to see him, before he takes other women on dates.” Yes, good. This is normal.

Lauren goes on the date and their first order of business is to get in some tiny-ass prop plane to do tricks and shit. Um, no thank you. If you’ve been reading my recaps since the dawn of time (summer-ish) you will know that Sam Jarvis DOES NOT FUCK WITH SINGLE PROPELLOR PLANES. My palms sweat in business class three white wines in, let alone in a tin can Harrison Ford’s probably already crashed.

They fly to a hot tub in the middle of nowhere, which seems cute but he was JUST in a hot tub with Caila, so something about this gives me the ewws. Also is there some sort of generator out of frame? What’s powering this thing? (I’m 100 years old.) Anyway Lauren B is officially adorable and they would make very cute, very white babies together.

Back at the mansion the girls are like, not having a great time. I can’t imagine why spending days trapped in a house with people you fucking hate would be terrible, but I guess it is! The group date card arrives and everybody’s names are on it except Becca, JoJo and Jubilee, so Jubilee knows shit ain’t in the cards for her.

The group date is all about soccer, and Lace doesn’t know goalies can pick the ball up with their hands so the other team scores. This immediately gives me flashbacks to my AYSO days when once a season they’d force me to be goalie and I was so nervous I thought I was going to shit my pants for the entire hour.

While waiting to talk to Ben during cocktail hour one of the girls is like, “I don’t want to sit on a couch and sip on my water” which is the REALEST fucking thing I have ever heard anyone say about their time on The Bachelor. That is 96% of what their lives are.

But while they sit and sip, they of course have to talk about Olivia again and as the words pour out of their bitch mouths I am shoving more and more seaweed snacks into my face. This is good TV, guys. They not only say that Olivia has bad toes, but also that she has fake boobs and BAD BREATH.

Jami finally speaks this episode and she should’ve started with, “I’m Jami and I’m a fucking snitch.” She IMMEDIATELY tells Olivia what they said and it’s like wow, you are not allowed in my drug ring, you are a rat. Olivia asks what body part they made fun of and right away guesses her calves, which made me go HA! Very loudly and scare my sleeping boyfriend. She goes on to say, “Am I aggressive? Yeah. Do I have bad toes? Yeah” and suddenly I’m like you alright, Olivia. You alright.

Except then she starts talking about how Ben “pushed off her leg,” which to her meant they are now talking in secret code and I want to grab her by the shoulders, look her in the eyes and say Olivia, sweetheart, you’re a fucking psycho.

In a TWIST!!!!!! Jubilee gets the final date card, but has literally zero chill and starts acting like a crazed cat climbing up a curtain. She is being SO AWKWARD, which is apparently what one of the girls calls “awko-taco” and whoever the hell just said that should pack up their shit and go.

Jubilee is afraid of heights and is already acting a fool, but has to get in a helicopter anyway. Out of nervousness she jokes, “Does anyone want to go on my date??” WELL. LET ME TELL YOU. This does NOT sit well with the ladies, nooooo siree. They’re super pissed because “Ben planned an amazing date” which is a laugh out loud statement and I can’t believe these grown ass women STILL think that Ben is planning these dates! You think he’s sitting in a production meeting like, “Guys, I want to take Jubilee on a helicopter ride to this one really cute spa I know of.” Um, no. Not how this works at all.

Jubilee’s still being kind of squirrely and spitting out food she thinks is horrible, but then she tells Ben that she’s obsessed with hot dogs and suddenly I’m like girl, maybe we are more alike than I thought!! Ben is just happy he can finally see what a normal day would be like with her, because this is a totally normal day:

Jubilee opens up and explains that her entire family died in Haiti except her. Well, shit. She’s officially lived ten thousand more lives than any of these betches in the house who think “Ben wants a soccer mom.” (Sure, Lauren H. Guy’s dicks get hard thinking of boring ass soccer moms with THICK MIDWESTERN ACCENTS. That’s a thing.)

At the rose ceremony, somber Ben announces that his family friends died in a plane crash, so Olivia immediately steals him away to clear up this calves/toes business. She says it’s really hard and starts crying. (Pret-ty fucking sure an editor got THREE gold stars for making it look like the crying is about the cankles and not the plane crash. Well done.)

Jubilee gives him a massage and Amber is like oh hell no. She wants to talk to her but Jubilee is NOT HAVING IT. She doesn’t want a fucking girl chat, okay Amber? You’re being a mean girl and it is NOT a good look. You know who agrees with me? Ben. He shoots Amber’s ass down so fast she’s like wait, what? If I were in that house and the girls wanted to “have a talk” I’d be like yeah, no. I’m gonna keep eating this slice of pie hovering over the kitchen sink (I eat my feelings).

In a great final show button, Lace is outtie. She just can’t deal anymore and starts quoting her tattoo. She knew her ass was getting the boot and wanted to get out ahead of it! Gotta respect that.

Olivia is freaking the FUCK out about how there is only one rose left and she doesn’t have one yet. He had to punish her for talking about her damn calves while he was mourning the deaths of his friends, ya know? She gets the final rose, and then revisits this “secret communication” business. She says that when they hugged he squeezed her waist and she took that to mean, and I quote, “He can’t give me everything all the time and he knows I can handle that.” Or, ya know, he hugged you. Either one.

We’re in Vegas next week, so you know what that means!! …Wait I don’t know what that means. If you do, can you inbox me? Perf.

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

who is sam jarvis

I don't know, do you?! I'm scared.

Tag: date card

Bachelor in Paradise: “Who Has The Better Vagina?”

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “All My Wish Bracelets Came True”

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “He’s Skinny But He’s Cute”

Bachelor In Paradise Recap: “I Can Make Out With His Mind”

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “No One Falls In Love On A Horse”

Bachelor In Paradise Recap: “So Do You Both Have Scoliosis?”

The Bachelorette Recap: “Do You Want Ice Cream Or Do You Want Steak?”

The Bachelor Recap: “I Hope It’s Not All About Flying Kites Today.”

The Bachelor Recap: “There’s Our Boyfriend.”

The Bachelor Recap: “It’s Either Good News, Or Bad News.”