Do they provide SPF in paradise, or are all of these people going to look 90 when they’re 42? (“Hi Grandma!” “I’m not your grandma, I’m your mom.”)

We left off with Evan standing on a cliff’s edge, trying to be talked down by a suicide negotiator. Okay technically he was on his way to pull Amanda away from Josh, but those two activities are sort of one in the same to me.

He asks her out with his fraudulent date card (which should honestly get him locked in Bachelor jail for the night, guarded by Jorge the bartender) and she accepts and goes off to talk to him. Josh eats pizza while he waits.

Also it’s worth mentioning that Evan says Josh has been here for 24 hours. Um, WHAT? It feels like Josh and Amanda have been making out for the better half of 24 years. So Josh is still eating this pizza, and it’s safe to say that Josh and his pizza have officially replaced Chad and his meats. They just can’t get over him eating this god damn pizza and the close ups are truly horrifying.

In their talk Amanda says that she wished he’d come to her sooner. Evan interprets this as, “she came here thinking about me and wanted to take me on a date.” Are you a frog, Evan? Because that was QUITE a leap (Go on, groan at my bad joke. I don’t give a shit.).

Before the rose ceremony Daniel trims Vinny’s back hair.

Look, we’ve all been there. And if you haven’t, you haven’t dated a real MAN yet.

At the pre-rose cocktail party, Josh is sweating through his shirt. Like, not just in the pits. This dude is completely soaked, glistening like he’s in a fucking Backstreet Boys video.

I mean, that is a problem for me. Someone asks how Amanda is dealing with the “sweat issue” and my guess is SILENTLY. But seriously if he has a sweating problem, it’s good to know now. That shit doesn’t just go away and bro lives in ATLANTA. Have you heard of it? It’s fucking hot.

Christian still likes Sarah who still likes Daniel, but while Sarah and Daniel are talking Daniel’s chin gets impregnated by a bee. Scientifically, I don’t think that’s what happened but you know that kooky Daniel! Always sayin’ stuff!

The twins are semi mad at Brandon because he couldn’t tell them apart on that weird ass date last week. I’m semi mad at Brandon because he’s so god damn boring.

Now Evan wants to pull Amanda away AGAIN. Between his comedy bit about Chad’s steroids, going through Chad’s luggage, tryna get in on Josh’s woman, and now trying to warn Amanda about Josh, I truly think Evan has a death wish. It is alarming.

Basically he tells her that Josh is a piece of shit, which should surprise no one with a pair of eyes. Meanwhile Lace and Grant are actually dressed for their wedding.

Like, that is EXACTLY what they’re going to look like around 1:30am on their wedding night. Slightly toasted, sitting with friends, about to find a burger place and then bone. This is what I’ll look like at their wedding:

Evan and Josh talk, and Evan thinks that Josh has polish on his polish. That’s what we ladies like to call two coats, so now Josh will be known as Josh “Two Coats” Murray. He refers to Andi’s book as a fictional story and I laugh out loud.

Evan promptly asks him why he didn’t sue for liable if it was all made up. Here is Josh’s face at the use of a word he does not know:

THEN Evan calls him CLICHÉ and it is so fucking accurate. Evan knows it’s accurate.

Josh DOES hide behind inspirational quotes, and I bet his kitchen is FILLED with them!

At the rose ceremony there are little to no surprises. Sarah picks Daniel over Christian, Carly gives her rose to Evan as a friend (LOL) and Haley gives hers to Nick because he deserves to find love again and Brandon is boring as shit. He acknowledges this with a classic sign off, “That’s probably what it was, I was boring.”

YUP. The next day everybody is happy until DUN DUN DUNNN…. Caila is here. Fuckin’ Caila. She might be beautiful but I swear to God there is something scary about the way she looks at guys. It’s some Misery shit and I’d hate for one of these beefcakes to wake up strapped to a bed with his legs broken.

Everybody loves her hair. They’re obsessed with it. Emily is intimidated by her, even though Emily would kick her fucking ass in a fight. But Caila of course asks Jared on a date and he of course accepts because Jared is basic and Caila is basic.

Nick tries to make Emily feel better by saying, “I have been dumped twice on national television,” and I’m starting to really like Nick. He is great and I’d like him to be the next Bachelor. If it’s Robby, y’all are in for some DARK RECAPS because my blood is boiling just thinking about his preppy ass.

Here is the point in the episode where things go a little looney tunes. I’m not going to sugar coat it, so I’ll just come out and say it. Daniel drinks water out of Vinny’s belly button.

It’s just one of those things that you can’t unsee, you know? That image is now so engrained in my mind that it’ll probably come up in some weird therapy session I’m having when I’m 40 and overwhelmed with motherhood. It is MY Rosebud.

Caila and Jared go on their date, where they ride horses and shit. Basic date for some basic betches, amiright?

Izzy, Vinny, Lace and Grant go on Bachelor in Paradise’s FIRST EVER DOUBLE DATE, which seems like less of a big deal than they’re making it. It’s not historical, guys. It’s guac and margs at a four person tabletop.

Back in Paradise Daniel, Sarah, Carly and Evan decide to throw themselves a double date with drinking games. Evan has zero swag, DUH, but Carly keeps going back and forth between being very, very creeped out by him to being oddly attracted to him. I can’t. I really can’t!

Daniel eats a shit ton of broccoli, which is the cornerstone to any successful double date. Thankfully he doesn’t wash it down with some of Vinny’s belly button water (she says, shuddering). Then he does push ups with Sarah on his back, prompting Evan to try it with Carly.

Ugh, Evan. You know what girls DON’T want? For you to not be able to lift them.

They all say good night and of course Evan tries unsuccessfully to kiss Carly. They don’t call him the King of Being Awkward for nothing.

But then something weird happens. He goes to sleep, and suddenly the producers are trying to wake him and he might be dead.

By the way, I’d like a producer job that allows me to wear bikinis and cutoffs. Should I put that in my cover letter? Anyway so Carly is called and Evan’s suddenly fine, but maybe not fine? He might’ve taken a weird medication? Carly still thinks this might be an elaborate rouse to get her to snuggle with him?? And then they DO snuggle and make out???????

Why does Evan have a cast on?! Look I don’t know what the fuck is going on but I swear to god if they keep showing that preview clip of blood all over someone’s fucking forearm as they try to find a vein I’m going to stop watching this show.

On the actual double date, everybody goes to a foam party, which is disgusting.

Lace almost gets into a fight with a girl at the club and I’m so into it. Lace WOULD fight a girl at a club and would probably knock her fucking teeth in. I’d like to see it.

Nick is sad and alone, but I have a feeling he’s going to do just fine for himself. Meanwhile Amanda and Two Coats are fucking in what I assume is the only room in this hotel/house/strange place that isn’t filled to the rafters with twin beds.

Ugh, he DOES have a sweating problem!! Terrible.

On TONIGHT’S all new episode, Ashley I. shows up and immediately bursts into hysterical sobs over Jared. Yikes! Caila better sleep with her hair wrapped tightly in some silk, cause I know somebody who’s gonna want to cut it off.

Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here. 

I also have a Twitter account. 

Bonus pic, ol’ Two Coats cream cheesing his trunks: