Bachelor in Paradise recap: “So I’m Left With The Scraps?”

August 30, 2017August 30, 2017Leave a comment

I’m tired, are you tired? I’d love to go to bed but OH THERE IS MORE BACHELOR IN PARADISE TO WATCH. Maybe someday, years from now, I’ll go to sleep at a reasonable hour, no longer a slave to my television. Probably not, but maybe.

So Canadian Daniel is here, and that of course makes Lacey perk the fuck up, because she’s been waiting for this fool to show up for days. She explains to Daniel that the only girls left who aren’t spoken for are herself, Christen, and Jasmine, and Daniel says, AND I QUOTE, “So I’m left with the scraps?”

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I Wrote A Whole Thing And Then It Went On TV

July 26, 2017July 26, 2017Leave a comment

tosh.0 hobby horse kentucky derby.png

Writing jokes for Tosh.0 is a great job. But the best part of being a writer here is getting to shoot really, really, REALLY silly things.

Like the The Triple Kentucky Hobby Horse Derby Preakness Stakes at Belmont Crown, for example.

tosh.0 hobby horse kentucky derby horse names tosh.0 kentucky derby hobby horse hats fans sam jarvis Screen Shot 2017-07-26 at 8.17.54 AM.png Screen Shot 2017-07-26 at 8.20.01 AM.png

I want you to know it was 90 degrees outside the day we shot that. The writer wearing head-to-toe armor was… not thrilled with me.

[via]

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “He’s Skinny But He’s Cute”

August 30, 2016October 19, 20161 Comment

I want you guys to know that I’m at my parents house this week, and instead of spending precious time with the people who birthed and raised and supported me, here I sit on the living room floor drinking rosé and watching what appears to be week 40 million of this thing. That’s how much I love you guys. (And this entire beautiful franchise.)

Like every episode this season, we left off with Ashley crying about Jared.

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Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “I’m Getting Dumped For A Lamp”

August 23, 2016August 23, 20161 Comment

Let me start off by saying I was recently corrected on some of my Bachelor shit, so it’s time for me to publicly apologize. Apparently Nick’s hot piece is JEN, not JENNA. No idea why I went fucking rogue as shit and added letters but maybe part of my subconscious wanted to make her a TINY BIT more interesting. Anyway sorry JEN.

We left off in paradise at a pre-rose cocktail party, where Ashley is sobbing her eyeballs out.

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Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “She’s A Backstabbing Whore Of A Friend”

August 17, 2016Leave a comment

Real talk, when I came home last night from a long ass hair appointment all I wanted in the whole wide world was to watch this shit. And because there is no God, my DVR only recorded TWO MINUTES of CHOPPY ASS footage. Le sigh. I tell you kind souls this because I was forced to watch it on Hulu this morning and my screenshot game has been seriously compromised. So if you’re reading this going, “Ugh, Sam, not your best” know that I KNOW THAT ALREADY so kindly fuck off. Now! Where were we?!

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Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “No One Falls In Love On A Horse”

August 16, 2016August 16, 20162 Comments

Do they provide SPF in paradise, or are all of these people going to look 90 when they’re 42? (“Hi Grandma!” “I’m not your grandma, I’m your mom.”)

We left off with Evan standing on a cliff’s edge, trying to be talked down by a suicide negotiator. Okay technically he was on his way to pull Amanda away from Josh, but those two activities are sort of one in the same to me.

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Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Josh Has A Steady Diet Of Amanda’s Tongue”

August 10, 2016August 10, 20161 Comment

I’m gonna be honest with you noodles, the relief I felt when I saw that Tuesday nights are going to be hour-long episodes instead of two is FOR REAL. Like yes, my goofy ass eats this shit up but at some point you gotta give a bitch a break. I need some SPACE, Bachelor in Paradise.

So Josh and Amanda are still making out all over the place, I assume only taking breaks when one of them misses their own reflection in a mirror and needs to go visit themselves for a bit.

Nick is salty as hell about it, but basically it’s distracting for everyone.

Christian shows up and Josh immediately tells him that he and Amanda have a connection so he can fuck off with any notion he had about dating her. Please picture me giving a HUGE EYE ROLL. Here is Josh’s stupid face as he says that stupid shit:

Get. Over. Yourself.

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Bachelor In Paradise Recap: “An Eagle Doesn’t Settle For A Pigeon”

August 3, 2016August 3, 20161 Comment

Look I’m going to be honest, by the time I pressed play on my DVR I was already a little emotionally Bachelor-ed out this week. But the second they rolled out their campy-ass intros I suddenly felt… Excited. Alive. Fucking PUMPED, for some fucking PARADISE.

Chris Harrison starts us off with some really weird poetic analogies about how “the sea is as salty as the tears of the broken hearted” and I’m immediately 100% sold on this entire season.

Also, the twins are here!

Lovely. Since we last saw everybody Jubilee has learned that she has resting bitch face (great call), Nick has nicknamed himself “The Runner Up,” and most importantly Evan kept THE SHIRT.

He buys a new one, and my boyfriend laughs out loud when Evan asks to try on a medium.

Back in Mexico, Canadian Daniel compares himself to herpes, because why the fuck not. Every single thing that comes out of his mouth is a catch phrase that should be printed on a mug. He loves rating girls AND comparing them to fruits, which in my mind means he has a very specific ranking system for his produce (Apples are 4’s, Kiwis are 9’s).

He talks to one of the twins and the other twin’s only commentary on the matter is, “Oh God, he’s high-fiving her,” which should honestly be the name of a self-help book on dating.

Daniel over-guesses Izzy’s age (“Who?” –All of us), and she doesn’t take it well, but I’m too entranced by how badly Jubilee wants to fuck Jared to give a shit. I am not personally on the Jared train, but Jubilee is tryna get all up in them guts.

A parrot suddenly warns us of danger!! Which means Chad is en route. Like, somebody in a writer’s room actually sat there and was like, “We will simulate an earthquake and/or a Godzilla encounter by showing close-ups of water glasses shaking, a parrot will give a distress call, and then Chad will walk into Paradise.” And other people in that room were like, “Great! Yes. Good.”

Anyway so Chad arrives and Evan immediately starts rifling through Chad’s luggage, because Evan has an actual death wish and has put no value on his life.

Chad and Lace hit it off for I assume the same reason that the polar ice caps are melting, which is that there is no God and this whole world is just one big blob of fuckery.

The problem is they’re making out a lot but are also like, hitting each other? They’ve drank too much, guys. TOO MUCH.

They keep slapping each other and calling each other like dogs, I think because they’re both trying to establish some sort of shit-faced dominance in their 12-minute long relationship and I just don’t see this working out long term.

Jubilee asks Jared to go on a piñata date, and I am so jealous because this is TOTALLY a place where I would thrive. They don’t call me Sam “Candy Whore” Jarvis for nothing.

But suddenly a clown is lurking behind the piñatas and Jubilee and I both are like OH HELL NO.

Like, I am fucking OUT. I’m out, Jubilee’s out, we’re both OUT. It’s also worth mentioning that Jared immediately runs away, making ZERO attempt to save her. Man up, Jared! You’re busted.

Back on the beach Izzy and Vinny are in love, and I have officially decided that if I were on Bachelor in Paradise I would immediately make friends with whatever group of people was just sitting together eating Mexican food.

Lace and Chad are a complete fucking disaster at this point, and Canadian Daniel is making a last-ditch effort to help a brother out. He’s like Chad, people are scared and you need to stop talking about murder and rape! I mean, that is just sound advice.

Everybody fucking HATES Chad now and Sarah didn’t come to paradise to deal with aggressive, drunk, abusive jerks, okay? Chad immediately calls her a “one-armed bitch” and I am screaming. Somebody shove an adrenaline needle into my sternum, I think my heart has stopped. Emily (maybe Haley??) agrees with me:

Chad tells Daniel to stop being so murder-y because Chad is OBSESSED with the word murder. He’s like a small child who has just learned the word for his genitals and incessantly runs up and down the grocery aisle shouting, “Penis! Penis! I have a penis!” That is how into the word murder Chad is.

Finally, The Chad Bear hibernates in the sand and a crab crawls under his head.

But the story of the morning is about how Chad allegedly POOPED HIS PANTS in his sleep.

Did he just smell his shorts for poop?? No. NO. I can’t.

Dude, you pooped your fucking pants. And not because you ate Indian food and got stuck in traffic. You drank too much and SHIT YOURSELF. I cannot and WILL NOT get over this.

Here’s how everyone else feels about him, summed up in one photo:

Chris Harrison calls everyone to the rose palapa, which sounds like a magical place I would love to visit. And because I haven’t done a Bachelor in Paradise recap in almost a year, I will remind everyone that a palapa is what those little beach hut things are called from the Corona commercials. See, it’s fun to learn!

So Chris gets them to gather ‘round, and I’m pretty sure the first words out of his mouth are going to be, “Chad, you shit your pants last night.” But he doesn’t say that (even though I know he’s thinking it) and instead is like, “Chad, you told all of the staff at this hotel to suck a dick.”

Chad is like nah I didn’t! And Chris is like yah bra, you did. Then you shit yourself. Chad cannot comprehend that he is being kicked out of paradise, and now wants to fight Chris Harrison. It’s the silliest thing I have ever witnessed.

Chris Harrison is a multi-millionaire and a TRUE GENTLEMAN and Chad if you lay a finger on him that motherfucker is going to sue you so fast you’ll shit your pants, again.

So Chads gone, but I guess not really because he comes back next week. The main thing to take away from, “This season, on Bachelor in Paradise…” is that this fucking show is going to be on TWICE A WEEK. Is it two hours twice a week? Jesus Christ, guys. I have a LIFE TO LIVE. I watch OTHER SHOWS. I can’t do four hours of this mess every week!! Sigh.

Read my Bachelorette finale recap here. Or other ones here.

I also write things on Twitter.

For the record I was going to title this recap, “FUCK YOU, CHRIS HARRISON” but I think I’ll just get it written on a cake instead. Seems more festive.

The Bachelorette Recap: “Let’s Not Pretend I’m Hitler”

June 7, 2016June 7, 20161 Comment

Welp, night one of two started like any days-long rager: sloppy and full of regret!

Everybody is in a MOOD that Chad’s still here, except the villain himself, who gleefully counts calories and scoops protein powder like his life depends on it (maybe it does, I’m no physician).

Some rando named Chase gets the first one-on-one and they go to a yoga studio where they are immediately asked how long they’ve been intimate for. Bleh, cringe. They learn how to ANGER-GASM, which sounds an awful lot like what happens when you have sex with your ex-boyfriend.

Meanwhile Chad and Canadian Daniel are slowly turning the Bachelor Mansion into a god damn Equinox.

Look at these fools! Guys you’re like, sweating all over some very nice ottomans.

Chase gets a rose, and it’s time for the classic Bachelor Private Country Concert With A Singer I’ve Never Heard Of. Where the fuck is Rihanna when you need her?! I’m not making out with anybody unless Bitch Better Have My Money is blasting through the speakers.

The rest of the boyz get a group date card that reads like Schindler’s List. There are like, a thousand names on it and Chad’s pouty ass doesn’t want to go. He doesn’t feel like going on a date with 12 other wangs, okay? Everyone is VERY, DEEPLY offended by this and are not afraid to let him know. (They should be afraid.)

Chad CLAPS BACK by telling Aaron Roger’s brother that he is a 27-year-old failed football player, which is GREAT and completely accurate. He then asks the entire group if they want to fight him before ABC gracefully cuts to a Bachelor-themed Reddi-Whip commercial. Am I more stoned than I realized? None of this is making sense.

On the group date they walk into a theater where a woman is on stage faking an orgasm. They are all horrified.

Vinny “has no idea what she’s doing” and has “never heard anything like that” which does NOT bode well for him.

Turns out they’re going to tell funny sex stories to the audience. Instead of writing his, Canadian Daniel is hard at work on his stick drawing:

Apparently he is illiterate.

In a SHOCKING turn of events, Chad is not being a good sport about the sex story thing. He doesn’t want to talk about his sex life, I assume because he is absolute garbage at it.

Daniel’s up and goes, “She’s tied up at this point… I always carry a knife on me when I’m traveling… Let me chop a piece of her hair off.” GREAT FUCKING STORY, YOU MANIAC. Jesus Christ. If there was a trap door at his feet I am positive Jojo would press a button that’d make him fall into a secret pit and get eaten by a two-headed dragon. (“Wow, what a fun and colorful visual!” -You guys, to me)

Evan plans to make fun of Chad during his sex story, which to me means they boned at the mansion and Evan is about to spill the TEA on Chad’s performance issues. Turns out I’m wrong, and instead he tells the whole audience that Chad does steroids.

I am, at this point, scared for Evan’s life. Chad promptly rips Evan’s shirt when he goes to sit down and Evan is SHOCKED! I am the complete opposite of shocked.

It’s Chad’s turn and he says some bullshit about how the past isn’t important, it’s about the future. He tries to kiss Jojo and gets fucking REJECTED, which is hilarious and beautiful. Did I mention he gets booed? He gets booed.

Backstage he punches the absolute fuck out of a metal door and tells Evan that he’s going to die and you know what? I believe him. Evan is suddenly a HUGE PUSSY and is all like “Hey man, it was all in good fun” even though it was NOT in good fun.

At the cocktail party Chad explains to Jojo that he wasn’t at all mad about the steroids (HA). He was just mad at Evan for walking past him! Ah, yes. It’s all coming together now.

Evan continues to play with fire by puffing up his chest and asking Chad why he’s here. Like a flaccid dick tryna get up in them guts, Evan keeps pushing and pushing.

Evan then gives Jojo an ultimatum. He can’t be in the house with Chad, so either he’s going or Chad’s going. UGH, get a life, Evan!! She gives him a rose and I hear myself say, “Ew” without even realizing it.

She puts the rose in the middle of his fucking shirt and it makes him look like a loser.

“Not on my super cool leather jacket!!” -Evan, trying to win Jojo’s heart.

Chad sees the rose and is like, “Is this real? Is this the real scenario?” I am dying. Dead. Bury me underground. Also is this cocktail party in a terra cotta pottery store?

They’ve now hired a security guard to watch Chad because shit could pop off at ANY. SECOND. Apparently they’ve also secured his perimeter with the handles of all of their suitcases.

James T. gets the last one-on-one date and they learn how to swing dance. Highlights include James shouting, “Smooth!” every five seconds and a woman in her 90s talking about the good ol’ days. It’s all very G-rated and I’m gettin’ the yawns.

Meanwhile Chad eats a sweet potato like a banana and talks to Canadian Daniel.

Daniel tries to explain that Chad is the Hitler of the house, and basically Daniel can’t hang around him any more because then the other guys won’t like him. Chad pretends to listen while continuing to eat his farmer’s market finds.

On James’ date, Jojo is trying to decide if there is romantic chemistry between them, aka does she want to fuck him. He sings to her and she cries AGAIN. James is like, constantly making her cry. He gets a rose.

The next day Chris Harrison and his pink linen show up to explain DUN DUN DUNNNN there will be no cocktail party tonight, and instead Jojo is coming over for a pool party.

They’re all immediately drooling at the thought of her in a bikini except Chad, who obviously doesn’t need to see her in a bikini because, “I know what she probably looks like, I can tell through her dress.” Hey when you’re right, you’re right.

Now I’m pumped, because the pool party is what makes this a dramatic, two-part event.™

Chad wants to rip everybody’s limbs off so I assume that tonight he will, ya know, rip everybody’s limbs off? Here’s to hoping!!

Read last week’s recap here.

Or other show recaps here.

You can also follow me on Twitter!! Isn’t that cool?!

The Bachelorette Premiere: “Bring On The Men”

May 24, 2016May 24, 20161 Comment

Guys I’m going to be honest with you IT FEELS GOOD TO BE BACK. Not as good as like, eating a chocolate lava cake, but still pretty lovely.

We kick off this season of debauchery with a friendly reminder that Ben took Jojo’s heart, put it on a pedestal, took it OFF that pedestal, and then stomped on it. He smashed that shit into a million pieces like it was a glass at a Jewish wedding. Mazel tov!

It is super fun to relive how Ben told her he loved her, looked her dead in the eyes and said, “I promise you won’t be blindsided,” only to blindside the FUCK out of her ass. But now she’s feeling better and most importantly HOPEFUL, even though I feel like the only thing she should be feeling is hungry since she definitely hasn’t eaten since January.

Great bod though. Great bod. She gets advice from basic bitches AHEM I mean FORMER BACHELORETTES Desiree, Ali, and Kaitlyn. Look I liked Kaitlyn, I really did, but seeing her sit next to Jojo makes me feel like somebody should just pull Jojo aside and be like girl, you don’t need advice from 7s. (Hey man, it is what it is.)

But you know what I’m ready to see? Some dudes. Chris Harrison’s ready to see some dick too, as evident by his classic Chris Harrison gesticulations.

First up is firefighter Grant, and my immediate thought is oh my God, I hope these guys don’t all have professions that double as Chippendales characters. I’m sure Grant is very nice but he is being a little aggressive with his sexy pose and it’s making me uncomfortable.

Next up is Aaron Roger’s brother, who I will now and forever refer to as Aaron Roger’s Brother. Dude’s foyne, I’ll give him that. The hair is too SWISHED for me but at least he’s in Jojo’s league. We also meet a short marine and I can barely pay attention because honestly I am so fucking distracted by THIS AWESOME ASS DOG.

Like, holy shit, that dog is amazing. Is it his dog? Is its name Velcro? I need more information.

We meet a superfan whose face looks like it’s made out of clay and it’s like, Bachelor superfan is not a job, James S. from Phoenix, Arizona.

There’s also a dick doctor, a bartender from Santa Monica, and some guy who wakes up at 3:30 in the fucking morning to work out. Um, no thank you. Unless you have the body and philanthropic kindness of The Rock, I am not into that shit. The last thing I need is to feel like a lazy asshole for waking up at 8:30 on a Saturday. That is an ACCOMPLISHMENT and nobody can take that away from me. NOBODY.

Anyway so it’s time for these dudez to get out of some mothafuckin limos, AMIRIGHT? As each one gets out and greets her my friend Jordan and I nestle into the couch to discuss which ones look tall. There are of course gimmicks and awkward moments, including one guy who “drops” his notecards, which does nothing but points out how soaking wet the Bachelor producers keep the pavement outside of the mansion.

I get that it looks magical but it’s like guys, c’mon. We are in a fucking drought out here and you’re hosing off the pavement so the moon will glisten off it? Leo DiCaprio’s environmental ass would NOT BE PLEASED!

We’re now moving into looney tunes territory as we meet a half Scottish dude in a kilt, somebody in a full on Santa suit, and a guy who looks like a Bar Mitzvah magician and thinks being Canadian is somehow a job.

You can thank my couchmate Jordan for the Bar Mitzvah joke.

Guys, I’m gonna be straight with you. The only thing that’s attractive is when they come out of the limo in a nice fucking suit. Don’t give me stress balls and tell me to squeeze them, don’t wear weird pocket squares and a tie with a knot that is way too wide. A NICE SUIT, and I swear to God I will think about fucking you. That’s all it takes.

As we meet all these weirdos, it’s suddenly clear we’ve got a villain on our hands. Chad, Chad, Chad, you salty motherfucker. He is hating on everybody and thinks he is seriously hot shit which is funny because he seems more like room temperature shit to me. Gooey, room temperature dog shit. Anyway here’s how Jojo’s doing:

At the cocktail party she wishes they weren’t all so nervous and it’s like bitch, they’ve been waiting months for this and now there are fifty billion cameras in their face AND your giant amazing boob job. I’m sure it’s slightly overwhelming.

One of the guys makes her kiss him by playing a dumb fucking paper child’s game and the first thing out of her mouth after they kiss is, “Maybe that will get better.” Off to a great start, dude! Something to write home about.

Aaron Roger’s Brother decides that like Ray Finkle before him, dude fuckin choked and should maybe go back and kiss her. She is VERY into it because 1) he has a nice butt and 2) because I’m 100% positive producers told her long ago that he is related to a famous person and she has already picked out their china pattern.

Villain Chad whisks her away to talk and immediately says, “Normally girls are so worried about themselves” and it’s like BRO, eat a dick. If some guy wanted to date me and his opening line was “girls have no self esteem” I’d probably be like cool story, I’m going to go home and order pizza like the badass bitch I am.

Canadian Daniel tries to explain the Damn, Daniel meme to Jojo and it is what the internet trolls would call an epic fail. He then touches another man’s belly button and everybody hates him and makes fun of his short ass tie, which now that you mention it does make me giggle.

And now, the parade of the drunks. Daniel takes his clothes off and random dudes start sitting in on Jojo’s one-on-one interviews with the producers. It is, in a word, crazytown.

Aaron Roger’s Brother gets the first impression rose even though she’s also drooling over every guy from Texas. But wait, another limo!! I am freaking the fuck out, 100% positive J.J. from Bachelor In Paradise is about to walk out of that fancy super long car.

Turns out it’s Jake Pavelka, former Bachelor/boring person not to be confused with Jessie Pavelka, trainer/bad Chinese symbol tattoo-haver of Biggest Loser. Anyway Jake gives her advice like “don’t put up walls” and all I keep thinking over and over is oh my God, you are a loser.

She starts giving out roses and it’s like, so many god damn roses. They keep cutting away as she puts them on their lapels because you know it’s taking her ten thousand years to pin each one on these fools. Vinny hasn’t gotten one yet and is NOT THRILLED.

You know who IS thrilled to get one? The dick doctor. Look at this goofy ass grin:

The final rose goes to crazy Canadian Daniel because the producers were like girl, you HAVE TO give him a rose. That is obviously the only explanation. The rest of them go home and are experiencing all the sads, although I think going out to a nice breakfast together would cheer them up since it is literally so fucking light outside that they have probably already missed the early bird special at Denny’s. It’s like 9 o’clock in the morning at this point.

We get a sneak peak of the rest of the season and shit is about to POP. OFF. Chad the Villain is like, actually punching people and threatening their lives while Aaron Roger’s Brother is pressing Jojo up against walls to make out with her. Seems like one way or another, errbody’s going to Poundtown.

Read previous Bachelor recaps here. Or other weird stuff I write here.

You can also follow me on Twitter.

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Bachelor in Paradise recap: “So I’m Left With The Scraps?”

I Wrote A Whole Thing And Then It Went On TV

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “He’s Skinny But He’s Cute”

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “I’m Getting Dumped For A Lamp”

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “She’s A Backstabbing Whore Of A Friend”

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “No One Falls In Love On A Horse”

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Josh Has A Steady Diet Of Amanda’s Tongue”

Bachelor In Paradise Recap: “An Eagle Doesn’t Settle For A Pigeon”

The Bachelorette Premiere: “Bring On The Men”