Here I sit, patiently waiting for a new episode with my arms folded neatly in my lap, wondering if Nick and Jen will go the distance even though I already know they don’t. Or if Josh and Amanda’s love can transition out of paradise, even though they’re on the cover of Us Weekly gabbing about how they’re living together now. SIGH. Are there no surprises anymore, guys?? Part of me is also like, remember Chad?
The most exciting thing going on in paradise right now is that apparently Nick got a care package from ol’ Robby that included a pair of Robby’s insane swim trunks.
I’m going to take this time to let you all know that on my deathbed, I would really love it if someone would blast the Bachelor in Paradise theme song, morning to night, up until my last breath. Like, I want everyone sobbing as I mouth, “ALMOST PARADISE, WE’RE KNOCKING ON HEAVEN’S DOOR. ALMOST PARADISE, HOW COULD WE ASK FOR MORE? I SWEAR THAT I CAN SEE FOREVER IN YOUR EYES… PARADISE.”
But that won’t be for another 70 years, so let’s focus on today. Continue reading
I want you guys to know that I’m at my parents house this week, and instead of spending precious time with the people who birthed and raised and supported me, here I sit on the living room floor drinking rosé and watching what appears to be week 40 million of this thing. That’s how much I love you guys. (And this entire beautiful franchise.)
Like every episode this season, we left off with Ashley crying about Jared.
We are now at the point in the season when there are too many people in paradise, so the opening credits go on FOREVER and it’s like guys, tonight’s episode is only an hour and I’m pretty sure you burned up at least twelve minutes showing who’s all here. Just get to the good shit and we’ll figure it out!!
So Izzy’s having doubts about Vinny, and also wants to go to pound town with Brett. She talks with Vinny about all of this and dude is heart. broken. He was falling for this girl and she’s throwing it away on somebody’s looks! Vinny cries, Vinny leaves.
Let me start off by saying I was recently corrected on some of my Bachelor shit, so it’s time for me to publicly apologize. Apparently Nick’s hot piece is JEN, not JENNA. No idea why I went fucking rogue as shit and added letters but maybe part of my subconscious wanted to make her a TINY BIT more interesting. Anyway sorry JEN.
We left off in paradise at a pre-rose cocktail party, where Ashley is sobbing her eyeballs out.
These are a few of their favorite things! I think? I don’t really know them.
Bachelor in Paradise? More like Bachelor in Dramaville, amiright?! Sorry. That was bad. I’ll go sit in the corner.
We start off with Mikey saying that Clare is his beard. I’m going to go out on a limb here: based on Mikey’s general comprehension skills, he has no fucking clue what a beard is. Pret-ty sure he didn’t mean to tell millions of people that he was hanging with Clare to cover up the fact that he’s gay.
Clare finally goes on her date with Jared and I am super stoked about it, mostly because I know it will make Ashley I. cry as she repeats over and over, “It’s okay. You’re going to be okay. You’re Jasmine.”
They’re supposed to bungee jump but Clare is scared and crying (Scared and Crying would be a PHENOMENAL spinoff of Naked and Afraid). But then Jared kisses her and they jump and it’s cute as shit. What isn’t so cute is when they have to paint in her purple bikini bottoms because her actual bikini bottoms are nowhere to be found. Movie magic at its finest. Someone went to film school for this.
Clare gets home and describes their date in VERY LOUD DETAIL so Ashley I. can hear and as predicted, she sobs in her room.
Some guy named Michael arrives and I’m going to be honest with you I have no idea who he is. But he can’t wait to meet Tenley because to him she is an Elevenly. I immediately hate him.
Before Michael goes on his date with Tenley, Joshua wishes diarrhea on him. This is an excellent use of a wish, and I personally wish diarrhea on anyone who’s ever broken Britney Spears’ heart. (That statement is ON the record.)
Meanwhile Jared is royally fucking up with Clare. And by royally fucking up I mean he’s pacing around the sand saying things like, “You’re 8 years older than me… but you look great.” Guess who’s having none of that? Clare Motherfucking Crawley. She is outta that sitch faster than Kim Richards with a cart full of Target toys.
So Tenley and Michael (no diarrhea yet) go on a date, where 10,000 mariachi musicians circle around them like iRobots and I immediately think, “TENLEY THEY’RE GOING TO KILL YOU.” They don’t, so she is still alive. Also: did Michael tip every single one of them? (I assume they stood around staring at him until he let out a big SIGH and reached into his pocket.)
All right fine, let’s get into this Joe shit. Joe is a SNAKE, as evident by the fact that literally every single time they show Joe talking they immediately cut to an actual snake.
Anyway Joe hates Juelia, Mikey and Jonathan hate Joe for using Juelia, and Joe hates Mikey and Jonathan for telling Juelia that Joe is using Juelia. Fun! Here is the point where Joe (drunk as shit on Jack and Cokes) threatens to beat the guys “to a pulp” with “brass knuckles” which is first of all an insane thing to say and also definitely not true. For as dumb as Mikey is, he would beat the absolute fuck out of scrawny ol’ Joe.
It should be noted that at some point during all of this turmoil Ashley S. goes, “Huh?” and it is perfect and she is perfect and I love her.
So now Jonathan is crying. Like, HARD. He can’t keep it together and it is the most awkward moment of my entire life. Please stop crying, Jonathan. Please. The hairs are sticking up on my arms. That is how uncomfortable I am.
Meanwhile Clare is bitter as hell that she will never find love and it’s like girl, calm down. You’re going to be on nine more seasons of this shit so eventually you will get someone to like you. Probably.
Right before the rose ceremony she gives a super weird impromptu speech and everyone is kind of like, “thefuck?” And then we hear the first words out of Jade’s mouth in like three episodes and she lays it the fuck down. She takes offense to that, Clare! She takes. Offense.
We get started on the roses and I am PUMPED ABOUT IT. And then basically the worst thing imaginable happens, which is that they put a big “To be continued…” on the screen before we get to any of the good roses. (Nobody cares that Carly gave her rose to Kirk!!) As soon as the words pop up on the screen I shout, “OH MY GOD.”
I guess the execs at ABC finally took that seminar on cliff-hangers and how they work like a god damn charm, because ever since Kaitlyn’s season these rose ceremonies are taking place at weird points in the episodes. You got me, shitheads! Waiting patiently and sticking my Joe voodoo doll with needles until Sunday…
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