The Bachelor Recap: “It’s Either Good News, Or Bad News.”

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Me: “What is, girls are mean?”

Alex Trebek: “Ah I’m sorry, we were looking for, complete bitches.”

I’ve always said that putting your best foot forward involves trashing Olivia. I’ve ALWAYS said that. We kick off with girls sitting on chaise loungers wondering why, HOW, Ben likes her. If you ladies at home are wondering the same thing, go ahead and ask your boyfriend (who you’ve tied to the couch and forced to watch this). He’ll tell you. She’s fucking hot.

Lauren B. gets the first date card, prompting one of the girls to explain that the highlight of her day is, “those glimpses that I get to see him, before he takes other women on dates.” Yes, good. This is normal.

Lauren goes on the date and their first order of business is to get in some tiny-ass prop plane to do tricks and shit. Um, no thank you. If you’ve been reading my recaps since the dawn of time (summer-ish) you will know that Sam Jarvis DOES NOT FUCK WITH SINGLE PROPELLOR PLANES. My palms sweat in business class three white wines in, let alone in a tin can Harrison Ford’s probably already crashed.

bachelor prop plane lauren b

They fly to a hot tub in the middle of nowhere, which seems cute but he was JUST in a hot tub with Caila, so something about this gives me the ewws. Also is there some sort of generator out of frame? What’s powering this thing? (I’m 100 years old.) Anyway Lauren B is officially adorable and they would make very cute, very white babies together.

lauren b ben higgins date

Back at the mansion the girls are like, not having a great time. I can’t imagine why spending days trapped in a house with people you fucking hate would be terrible, but I guess it is! The group date card arrives and everybody’s names are on it except Becca, JoJo and Jubilee, so Jubilee knows shit ain’t in the cards for her.

The group date is all about soccer, and Lace doesn’t know goalies can pick the ball up with their hands so the other team scores. This immediately gives me flashbacks to my AYSO days when once a season they’d force me to be goalie and I was so nervous I thought I was going to shit my pants for the entire hour.

lace soccer goalie bachelor

While waiting to talk to Ben during cocktail hour one of the girls is like, “I don’t want to sit on a couch and sip on my water” which is the REALEST fucking thing I have ever heard anyone say about their time on The Bachelor. That is 96% of what their lives are.

But while they sit and sip, they of course have to talk about Olivia again and as the words pour out of their bitch mouths I am shoving more and more seaweed snacks into my face. This is good TV, guys. They not only say that Olivia has bad toes, but also that she has fake boobs and BAD BREATH.

Jami finally speaks this episode and she should’ve started with, “I’m Jami and I’m a fucking snitch.” She IMMEDIATELY tells Olivia what they said and it’s like wow, you are not allowed in my drug ring, you are a rat. Olivia asks what body part they made fun of and right away guesses her calves, which made me go HA! Very loudly and scare my sleeping boyfriend. She goes on to say, “Am I aggressive? Yeah. Do I have bad toes? Yeah” and suddenly I’m like you alright, Olivia. You alright.

Except then she starts talking about how Ben “pushed off her leg,” which to her meant they are now talking in secret code and I want to grab her by the shoulders, look her in the eyes and say Olivia, sweetheart, you’re a fucking psycho.

olivia bachelor ben crazy

In a TWIST!!!!!! Jubilee gets the final date card, but has literally zero chill and starts acting like a crazed cat climbing up a curtain. She is being SO AWKWARD, which is apparently what one of the girls calls “awko-taco” and whoever the hell just said that should pack up their shit and go.

Jubilee is afraid of heights and is already acting a fool, but has to get in a helicopter anyway. Out of nervousness she jokes, “Does anyone want to go on my date??” WELL. LET ME TELL YOU. This does NOT sit well with the ladies, nooooo siree. They’re super pissed because “Ben planned an amazing date” which is a laugh out loud statement and I can’t believe these grown ass women STILL think that Ben is planning these dates! You think he’s sitting in a production meeting like, “Guys, I want to take Jubilee on a helicopter ride to this one really cute spa I know of.” Um, no. Not how this works at all.

Jubilee’s still being kind of squirrely and spitting out food she thinks is horrible, but then she tells Ben that she’s obsessed with hot dogs and suddenly I’m like girl, maybe we are more alike than I thought!! Ben is just happy he can finally see what a normal day would be like with her, because this is a totally normal day:

jubilee ben date bachelor

Jubilee opens up and explains that her entire family died in Haiti except her. Well, shit. She’s officially lived ten thousand more lives than any of these betches in the house who think “Ben wants a soccer mom.” (Sure, Lauren H. Guy’s dicks get hard thinking of boring ass soccer moms with THICK MIDWESTERN ACCENTS. That’s a thing.)

At the rose ceremony, somber Ben announces that his family friends died in a plane crash, so Olivia immediately steals him away to clear up this calves/toes business. She says it’s really hard and starts crying. (Pret-ty fucking sure an editor got THREE gold stars for making it look like the crying is about the cankles and not the plane crash. Well done.)

Jubilee gives him a massage and Amber is like oh hell no. She wants to talk to her but Jubilee is NOT HAVING IT. She doesn’t want a fucking girl chat, okay Amber? You’re being a mean girl and it is NOT a good look. You know who agrees with me? Ben. He shoots Amber’s ass down so fast she’s like wait, what? If I were in that house and the girls wanted to “have a talk” I’d be like yeah, no. I’m gonna keep eating this slice of pie hovering over the kitchen sink (I eat my feelings).

jubilee massage

In a great final show button, Lace is outtie. She just can’t deal anymore and starts quoting her tattoo. She knew her ass was getting the boot and wanted to get out ahead of it! Gotta respect that.

Olivia is freaking the FUCK out about how there is only one rose left and she doesn’t have one yet. He had to punish her for talking about her damn calves while he was mourning the deaths of his friends, ya know? She gets the final rose, and then revisits this “secret communication” business. She says that when they hugged he squeezed her waist and she took that to mean, and I quote, “He can’t give me everything all the time and he knows I can handle that.” Or, ya know, he hugged you. Either one.

We’re in Vegas next week, so you know what that means!! …Wait I don’t know what that means. If you do, can you inbox me? Perf.

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Karma’s a bitch”

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I can only imagine the complete shit show my life would be if I was trapped in an open bar for two months. They should show vomiting footage. I know they have it.

So everyone’s really coupling up now, except Ashley I. who ever since getting the shaft from Jared CANNOT stop crying. Like, cannot. Also she is losing fake nails by the second and now her manicure looks like Britney’s circa 2008. (Everything about Britney is PERFECT this is just an EXAMPLE.)

Ashley I nails

Ashley is so heart broken that she is going to be ruined, “for like, ever.” I totally understand because one time I kissed a boy twice and never recovered from it. Oh wait, that didn’t happen. Pull it together.

Mikey and Juelia go on a date, which is cute but here we are again getting into a plane with a PROPELLER. I don’t care where you’re taking me, I can’t stress enough that I will never get into a vessel that shoots you INTO THE AIR, powered by what I assume is a pulley cord system. Not happening.

While they’re on said death trap, Juelia sits on Mikey’s lap and I’m going “YOU HAVE TO DISTRIBUTE THE WEIGHT.” This is not a commercial airliner. You have to keep the sides even. (Can you tell I’m SUPER CHILL on planes? The chillest.)

Back on the beach Sam and Joe finally talk and Joe says something about exceeding “exceptations,” which you may have noticed is not a word. My spellcheck is going nutso on it right now. Basically Sam has woven a “spider web of deceit” which to me is like, not THAT big of a deal. (You know what is a big deal? An actual spider web. Fuck those things.)

Carly and Kirk go fishing, which is not something I totally understand because I didn’t think you could go fishing in the ocean? I mean I get that there are fish in the ocean (DUH) but you don’t see people standing in the surf with fishing rods. So I’m not really following but they’re going to get married so it’s fine.

Back in central Mexico Juelia is hoping that maybe her date with Mikey will include “dancing under the stars,” but really they go see lucha libre wrestling. It’s kind of the same thing, except not.

mikey lucha libre

After their night of beer and masks they get a fantasy suite card and Juelia asks if Mikey would be comfortable spending the night in her room. We are talking about the same Mikey whose favorite yoga pose is Downward Clare, right? Yaaa. I think he’s comfortable with it.

At this point Ashley I. and Joe start to commiserate over their mutual case of the sadsies, and Ashley gives out dating advice. Take it with a grain of salt, buddy. She tells him to walk up to Sam and say, “Hey I’m Joe, I think you’re really pretty.” UMM, how about you don’t do that. “Hey I’m Joe” is eh at best. But this is Sam we’re talking about. She KNOWS she’s really pretty. That’s why she’s such a crazy bitch.

While Ashley and Joe share s’mores (shout out to s’mores, keep doing you) new guy Justin gets to Paradise. Justin didn’t have a lot of airtime on Kaitlyn’s season so all I can do is rub my chin and say Hmmm. HMMMM. You are a mystery to me, man who looks like a living Ken doll. A mystery indeed.

justin reich bachelor in paradise

Of course the second he gets there he sits with Sam and gets “lost in her eyes” which is such a fucking terrible thing to say. Just tell her she has beautiful eyes, don’t say that cheesy shit you saw in a movie. He also says that she is a great “conversator,” which again you smart kiddos will catch is not an actual word. (My spellcheck can’t even handle this recap right now. Spellcheck and I are forever bonded in a ??? over this episode.)

Right as the Sam drama is starting to die down (I’m kidding, it’s never going to end), Dan comes out of nowhere with a giant wooden spoon ready to stir the pot. He doesn’t want her to go on a date with Justin not because of ol’ Sad Joe, but because he “wants to get to know her better.” OOOoooo, I’m gonna tell Amber!! I’m so gonna tell her. Shit is goin’ down next week. I can FEEL IT.

We wrap it up with sweet, sweet Mikey. You know what he doesn’t like? Bugs. Sand. Salt water. Sometimes rain. He is officially the Lennie to my Of Mice and Men, and god dammit if I don’t love him for it.

Do you think someone is going to cry next week? Do you think someone is going to get horribly sunburned? Stay tuned.

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

Recap: Bachelor In Paradise Premiere, Night 1

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“We’re into athletes, we’re not into meatheads.”

We left off in Bachelorland with Shawn proposing to Kaitlyn and the whole world yelling “REJECTED!!!” at Nick. And last night Chris Harrison (adhering to a STRICT beach casual dress code) kept all of our dreams alive with the beautiful gift that is the premiere of Bachelor in Paradise… A two-part event!™

The first thing we learn is that Tanner is salty as hell. Yeah, Kaitlyn didn’t like you. Was it because you didn’t have a “strong connection,” was it was because your name is Tanner? We may never know.

Ol’ Blackbox Jillian (also her pirate name) got a boob job since we last saw her, which was the right move for someone whose lifelong goal is to have every part of her body hard as a rock.

Speaking of hard bodies, Mikey, Mikey, Mikey. Four seconds into the show and bro’s under boob sweat is seeping right through his lavender shirt. He just has too much testosterone, guys!! His breasts are literally sweating from all of the hormones. So he’s of course the first one to take his shirt off. Let the season of necklace microphones commence.

“But I don’t want to wear this pukka shell necklace.”
“You have to, otherwise we can’t hear you groaning while getting a hand job in a cabana.” (What I assume 99% of conversations with the producers are like.)

Mega shouts to crazy ass onion girl Ashley S. for constantly breaking the fourth wall. It has to annoy the hell out of the network, but Jesus Christ is it fun to watch. Does she own birds, does she not? Who knows! This isn’t a set, this is her life!

Now they start drinking like they’ll be bussed off to rehab tomorrow. Ashley I.’s sister Lauren is along for the ride, which of course gets all the other women’s bikini bottoms in a twist and makes them say things like, “Lauren I. just wants to have fun and drink and hang. I don’t think the guys will like that.” Guys hate girls who party and put out. That’s been proven time and time again.

Which brings me to the most important question of the night: Did Ashley I.’s sister want to be referred to as a slut no fewer than three times in the first episode of the show? If so, why? (500 word essay, due Thursday)

Chris Harrison throws another wrench in the rules when he explains that if one sister gets a rose, the other one will too. They are a package deal, which has Jonathan deciding how he’s going to fuck them both at the same time. It should be noted that Jonathan thinks all the women are “delicious” pieces of fruit that he wants to “take a bite out of.” Either Jonathan is creepy as hell, or he is on mushrooms and is hallucinating like a motherfucker.

Suddenly they’re sitting on these benches with an aisle down the middle and they’re all wondering what’s about to happen (none of them have ever been invited to a wedding). Don’t worry, they crack the case! It’s a wedding, guys. It’s a wedding.

Within five minutes of the wedding I was in a deep, deep sleep of boredom. But my ears perked to attention when Marcus said something about not being able to promise that he won’t bother Lacy with kisses in the morning. If there’s one thing vows need, it’s double negatives. However: loved that he made a toast to the contestants even though it was his fucking wedding. ABC at its finest!

So now they’re all back at the house sitting by the bonfire. Ashley I. (a 7th Grader) like, totally has a crush on Jared and like, has to talk to him but CAN’T! She just sits there and totally can’t say anything! Ughhh so annoying, right? Words are hard.

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She breaks the ice with Jared by saying that Cinderella isn’t her princess, Jasmine is her princess. She’s even in her Jasmine bathing suit. Things are now “solidified” between them. Jared immediately goes to walk on the beach with Jade.

Later, 7th Grader goes on a date with Jared, but not before icing her face with a dishtowel. (Princess Jasmine would never be caught dead looking puffy.)

Everyone wants to fuck Jade because she’s your classic bad girl next door who acts shy but really is just dying to pull up her Playboy pics ASAP. WHAT’S THE WIFI PASSWORD IN PARADISE?

So now 7th Grader is stalking Jared and Tanner and Jade are coupling off. You go, Salty Tanner! Get some. I’m not even going to address Carly and Kirk because if I do I will fall into an even deeper slumber than when the wedding was happening.

Out of nowhere Ashley S. is getting wheeled off in a stretcher. I need her to stick around so she can look directly into the camera and say things like, “It’s really weird being on a television show” therefore ruining any usable footage they have of her.

We end with the fact that CLARE’S BACK, BITCHES. She is now the Real World Tonya of the Bachelor franchise and I assume will be on Bachelor spinoffs until the end of eternity. And if you don’t know who Tonya is then congratulations, you respect yourself and maybe even have a good thing going in your life. You’ve also probably never seen a girl pee out a kidney stone on television, which is a thing that actually happened.

Looking forward to tonight when we finally get to shell out some roses and watch 7th Grader have a complete meltdown when she realizes that Clare does not fuck around (except in oceans, hi Juan Pablo!!) and will be riding that Jared D in like, five minutes.

Can’t wait to watch everyone’s sunburns progress. It’s going to be an incredible journey.