The Bachelorette Men Tell All recap: “Ocular Facts”

chris harrison men tell all

Guys, we made it. The penultimate episode of The Bachelorette, where we get to FINALLY hear the intense opinions of boys who went home on night 3.

This shit kicks off by taking a look back at past Men Tell All memorable moments, and I’ll be the first to admit I NEVER saw the one where Ashley and JP got a god damn sonogram on TV. Like, wheeled the fucking machine out to see if they were having a boy or a girl. Have y’all never heard of cutting into a blue cake? What the fuck.

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The Bachelorette recap: “Let’s Go Meet The Lindsays!”

die for those kisses.JPG

Like me when I’ve got a Ticketmaster cart full of Beiber pit seats that is :27 from expiring, we are DOWN TO THE WIRE. We’ve got Eric, Peter and Bryan left, so I am settling in for a night of steamy fantasy suites. At least Raven “I’ve never had an orgasm” isn’t here. That shit was a DOWNER.

But Rachel explains that her sister is pregnant as shit, so instead of being separated and meeting her family when it’s down to two, all three of them are going to mosey on over to Casa Lindsay one by one and get that outta the way. I don’t hate it, because honestly the last thing I’d want to do the day after I bone someone for the first time is introduce them to my entire family. 🙂

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The Bachelorette recap: “Pillaging My Feelings And Raiding My Heart”

kenny crying

THIS SHIT IS ANOTHER TWO HOURS?! Jesus Christ, Chris Harrison. You crazy.

We last left Rachel on the 2 on 1 date, contemplating life while leaning on a very mossy tree.

moss rachel tree.JPG

That tree’s fake, right? They for sure brought that shit in. I find it highly sus.

Meanwhile Kenny is screaming at Lee, and although they basically have to bleep every word out of his mouth for an entire minute, I’m pretty sure at one point he says, “I’m going to drag my dick across your grave,” which is honestly the best thing I’ve ever heard. (These are the types of visuals that I, as a writer, strive to create.)

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The Bachelorette recap: “Bye, Snaky”

lee is crazy bachelorette.JPG

I just want you guys to know that my god damn E key stopped working today, so please appreciate the fact that EVERY motherfucking E you see in this recap was typed by PASTING ONE. Just think about that. It’s so sad. (If I typd at my normal lightning spd, th sntncs would look lik this!! AHH!) That is how much I love you/am completely selfless.

If you’re wondering where we are in our EPIC JOURNEY TO FIND LOVE, it’s with ol’ racist Lee calling Kenny a “stack of bleeding muscle.” It is um, how you say, not good.

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The Bachelorette recap: “I Hope They’re All In Speedos”

tickle guy doesn't dance well ellen

Boy, time flies when you’re just trying to get through each tiring, torturous day, doesn’t it? I’m kidding. (Am I?)

Last we left these noodles, DeMario was AT the mansion. He needed to talk to Rachel, and he needed to talk to her BAD!!!! So she walks up and he shakes her hand, which is both awkward and terrible.

DeMario comes clean about not being honest with her at the basketball court, and after a long ass conversation with his Uber driver (who I’m sure moments later deleted his app, burned his phone, put the ashes into an urn, flew them to the Serengeti and scattered them over a pile of giraffe shit), DeMario has realized he really fucked himself and his shot at love with Rachel.

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The Bachelorette Recap: “The Only Leg I Have To Stand On Are My Two Legs”

lucas blake fight bachelorette.JPG

Did you guys spend your Memorial Day poolside?! I went to Target.

It’s week two on the Bachelorette calendar, so we are officially IN IT! They immediately show Copper the dog STILL in a leg cast, and I’m pretty concerned/wondering when he is going to get it off. What if it’s like a human cast and he has to have it for twelve weeks and it’s the SAME twelve weeks as the show?? Ugh. I hope he isn’t in pain.

copper dog leg cast

A.N.Y.W.A.Y. Chris Harrison hands them their first date card, but also says he hopes everybody is here for the right reasons, because if some people aren’t he doesn’t get paid as much. (That might not be correct.)  Seems AWFULLY SUSPICIOUS that Chris says that out of the god damn blue. Makes me think someone ISN’T here for the right reasons DUN DUN DUNNN!!

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The Bachelorette Recap: “Country Clubs and Coloring Books”

jojo thinking

When life gives you lemons, you’re supposed to make lemonade. When Jojo’s life gives her lemons she sort of just, eats the lemons?

We left off last week with four dudes standing in an airplane hanger like chumps while Jojo sobbed hysterically on the tarmac. Luke just told her he loves her and now the other boys are like WHAT is happening.

In the most dramatic rose ceremony of the season (© Chris Harrison) she keeps Aaron Rodgers’ brother, Robby, and Chase. Talk. About. A head scratcher. I know none of my friends were into Luke, but I felt like my weird attraction to his clichés and tall hair is what bonded Jojo and I together for eternity.

jojo crying

Girl is like, UPSET and it’s leading me to believe that the producers forced her to kick him off so that America will love him enough to make him the next Bachelor. I don’t usually believe in conspiracy theories, but this is exactly like that time everybody said we landed on the moon and we didn’t.

Luke is shocked. So shocked, that I worry some of his unresolved PTSD is going to come back and haunt his every thought. This is the face of someone who’s going to need to go BACK to therapy for this shit:

luke shocked

He’s like, WHAT?? Meanwhile Jojo is literally snotting all over the tarmac with her deep, heavy sobs. I want to be like babe, you didn’t have to send him home? OR DID YOU?! Dun dun DUNNNN. (“Get a grip, Sam.” –Me to myself, almost every day)

The final three go to Thailand for what Jojo calls the “exotic overnight dates.” Is she fucking high? They’re called Fantasy Suites. How do you forget the token phrase of The Bachelor franchise (besides, “He has all the qualities I’m looking for in a husband, but…”).

Robby’s date is up first and they meet in a marketplace where I guess it’s humid as balls. He immediately goes, “And you thought Florida was hot!” Well, well, well, look who’s suddenly a comedian! This is how pleased Robby is with his joke:

robbys joke

I half expect him to go, “…Right?! ‘Cause it’s hot there too! Jojo? Are you listening?” Truthfully I know he won’t say that, because he only calls her Joelle these days, which is juuuuust creepy enough for me to think he’s going to cut off locks of her hair in her sleep and keep them in a Ziplock bag under his pillow forever.

Speaking of hair, look at his fucking hair:

robby hair bump

I know it’s in the EXACT same place as it is every single time I look at it but honestly my anger for it is growing at a frighteningly rapid pace. (However if he’d like to share his teasing techniques, hit me up.)

They get pedicures (I think they were just massages but in my mind he got a fresh coat of OPI’s Lincoln Park After Dark) and walk around this marketplace while is absolutely POURS. I mean, it is raining SO HARD and I want you all to realize how intense it is to lug god damn EXPENSIVE ASS CAMERAS around in a monsoon. I can’t begin to imagine how many huge plastic bags are duct taped around them.

That night Robby brings a note from his dad to prove once and for all that Jojo can trust him. I would prefer that he brought a doctor’s note, as that is the worldwide currency for, “You have to believe me” but you can’t win ’em all.

note

Then SHE gives HIM a note and it’s like guys, we are nowhere near a classroom right now, you don’t have pass notes back and forth! You can just talk to each other’s faces. Anyway Robby grins and goes, “I will gladly forego my individual room” which makes me laugh out loud but also makes me cringe. This guy knows what’s about to go down:

buddha face

She then sits in front of the camera and tells the world she loves Robby. UM, SAY WHAT NOW? She loves Robby? Like, loves loves Robby? Did she see that last week he only buttoned the bottom button of his shirt? Should we tell her that in case she didn’t notice??

Cut to the classic morning-after breakfast (“Morning-after breakfast? What’s that?” –Every girl in America) and they’ve got a fuckin’ spread.

breakfast

Jojo is thrilled and says, “It’s our first breakfast together!” It is very alarming because she’s still talking like she actually does love Robby.

Aaron Rodgers’ brother’s date is next, and they’re going on a hike! He has a huge backpack on that I assume is just for holding all of his expensive hair oils.

jordan backpack

They get to a temple where they can’t kiss, and then sit on a rock and enjoy the beautiful vistas.

rock view.JPG

Get it? I said vistas because they’re starting at a fucking rock.

At dinner, she needs to get to the tough questions. She asks him what the future looks like and his response is, “That’s a tough question to answer,” which let me tell you is the WRONG answer.

jordan face

I can tell she’s starting to freak out because she goes, “That’s what Ben said!” and I immediately shout OOOH, GIRL!! I mean, damn, you’re bringin’ fucking B-Ball Higgins into this mess? She asks how he knows it’s forever and he lets out a big exhale, which I think translates to how hard do I have to work to get this fucking fantasy suite key?

Jojo loves him too, guys. She says so. Moments later, she patiently waits for the D.

waitin for the D

The next morning she’s all giddy and says, “We’re eating our first breakfast together!” Bitch, you already said that. YESTERDAY MORNING. TO ROBBY. We get a final glimpse of their love with the obligatory walking-away-shot that producers of this show cream their pants over.

morning after jordan

On Chase’s date, he kisses a fish.

chase fish kiss

Okay fine, they also have a beach day and it’s actually pretty romantic. Chase is opening up and although he is still pretty boring, there is vast improvement. He’s maybe even sexy and it’s like great, Chase. Way to really bring your A-game once she’s already fucked two other guys she’s in love with. That last ditch effort is what Aaron Rodgers’ brother would call a Hail Mary.

chase beach day

chase water make out

Before the evening part of their date, they keep showing Jojo and Chase in separate rooms staring into the distance so I know trouble is brewing. Sure enough, there is a knock on her door and fucking ROBBY shows up. Like, in the middle of her day with Chase.

robby shows up

Robby is a piece of shit. Who does that? I do NOT LIKE IT. He just wanted to say hi, because he is not man enough to just be confident. Aaron Rodgers’ brother may be a little douchey but you know what he’s not doing? Showing up to say hi.

I’m really worried about Chase. I have a soft spot in my heart for him after their fucking beach day, and I know it’s because this show has mind control serum in it and they’re toying with my emotions however they damn well please.

He is going to be so sad, so soon. But in Jojo’s defense, there is no amount of Xanax that could calm me from the panic of three men being in love with me at the same time. I’d be like, “WOW OKAY. I HAVE TO GO,” and would immediately pack my bags, move to Costa Rica and start going by the name Sofía.

In the fantasy suite he tells her he loves her and also tells her he’s never said I love you first. I am probably as sick to my stomach as Jojo is. Here is her face, which is all you need to know about how this night is going to go for him:

jojos face chase

She needs to take a moment, so she sits outside and cries. I would sit out side and BARF. I would barf so much Thai food all over the place because this shit is looking stressful as FUCK right now. Here is Chase waiting for her to come back and smash his heart into one million pieces:

chase outside

She comes back and says she didn’t feel how she wanted to feel when he said that, blah blah, and he is like, mad. He goes, “I get the point,” and stands up. Yes, Chase. Slay! Except then he goes, “So love means get the fuck out?” Eeee! This is some family divorce baggage rearing its ugly head.

chase sad face

A lot happens in a small amount of time, but basically she keeps shouting his name and he tells the cameras that what just happened to him was the emotional equivalent of pulling your pants down and getting kicked in the nuts. Eloquence has never been his strong suit.

At the rose ceremony, which is now just Robby and Aaron Rodgers’ brother, it is slightly awkward. They notice he’s not there and they’re both kind of stoked on it.

But then, suddenly, CHASE WALKS DOWN THE STEPS.

chase shows up

I thought his plane would be halfway over the Pacific by now. She goes to talk to him and the other boys are sweating, literally.

boys sweating

Chase says he’s proud of her, he’s impressed by her, he’s not mad. Let me just say if any guy I’ve ever broken up with came to me the NEXT DAY and said those things I would be like GREAT! That is fucking great. A real weight off my shoulders.

chase hug

Robby and Aaron Rodgers’ brother obviously get the last two roses, and next week will meet her family. If anyone remembers Ben’s season, Jojo’s family was the one where the mom drank straight from a bottle and her brothers were huge assholes. I’m sure it’s all going to go VERY WELL.

More importantly the MEN TELL ALL is happening TONIGHT, and I can’t wait to see the whole gang! And yes, my little ducklings, I will be recapping it. This is my whole life now.

Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here

I am also hilarious on Twitter.

Now, who wore their dumb mode of transportation best?

robby cartchase motorcycle

The Bachelorette Recap: “You’re a Cute Little Gaucho”

goocho bachelorette

Is it me, or is this season of The Bachelorette like a deadbeat father, constantly in and out of our lives without warning? This shit is supposed to be every week and here I am sitting at a fucking bus stop waiting for it to pick me up, not realizing that it’s probably too busy getting a blow job from some waitress named Sherri.

We start by talking about last week’s rose ceremony, which was NOT last week but WEEKS ago, so please stop fucking with my head. Alex is pretty freaked out about the fact that he and James T. both almost went home, but I think once he watches the season back he will find a lot of clarity about it.

Alex gets the first one-on-one and everybody is THRILLED because apparently all he has been doing is bitching about the fact that he HASN’T GOTTEN TIME WITH HER. While on their date they eat Pringles, and here’s Jojo the very moment she realizes she is breaking her fucking Bachelorette diet:

jojo pringles

The rest of the boys take a bus and Robby is wearing his hotel slippers like the WASP-y tool I know him to be.

robby slippers

Oh also? They rap about Alex. They say he’s a tiny human and is probably riding in a side car right now and it’s like wow, guys! Tell us how you really feel! But don’t worry, they also have Alex freestyle to Jojo, because what would this show be without complete and utter embarrassment?

They get to their date destination, and Alex keeps going on and on about how he loves the droopy trees and it’s like ARE YOU FIVE? They’re called weeping willows. Droopy trees. SMH.

The producers make Alex put on this gaucho cowboy outfit and now they’re just fucking with him. He doesn’t do himself any favors by having Jojo twirl him. LEAD, Alex. Lead.

alex gaucho costume

Then they watch a dude make love to his horse. I mean I’m not entirely sure what he’s doing with it, but it looks a LOT like when I’m feeling sexy and my boyfriend is trying to sleep.

horse bachelorette

Alex tries to be romantic but he ruins literally everything by saying, “I’m your goocho.” Sigh. You sure you’re not sexually attracted to him, Jojo? ‘Cause he will totally be your goocho. Under the droopy trees.

Back with the boys, Robby’s hair is freaking me the FUCK out. Like, I have never seen a hairstyle like this and I’m honestly just trying to understand it at this point, ya know?

robby hair bachelorette

It looks like one of those things girls used to buy to create a fake-bump in the top of their hair. You betches know what I mean. The boys stop to eat various meats on the side of the road and Aaron Roger’s brother says he’s a picky eater. Of COURSE he’s a picky eater. He would be.

Over dinner, Alex tells Jojo that he just wants to “crack open a cold one” with her brothers on the hometown date. Sometimes I feel like Alex is just randomly grabbing phrases out of some weird phrase book. I honestly would not be surprised if he reached into his back pocket, opened a small notebook and said, “Don’t cry over spilled milk, ’cause milk is a dime a dozen.”

He tells her that she is falling in love with her and here is her face when he says that:

jojo alex love bachelorette

Not a good sign. She promptly dumps his ass even though there wasn’t even a rose on this date. Girl is just like yeah, I’m gonna walk you out now. Alex is, in a word, stunned.

alex wtf bachelorettealex sad bachelorette

On Aaron Roger’s brother’s date, they fly to a vineyard to stomp grapes, and all I can think about is how much I want him to fall and crack a rib like the Grape Stomp Lady. Sure, that’s a mean thought, but I feel like it would be so fun to watch. I would smile and be like, “Yes. This is great.”

He doesn’t fall, and instead they drink foot wine together. Literally, they drink the grape juice that they have just stepped all over with their grimy ass feet. It is horrifying.

They get in a hot tub after and Aaron Roger’s brother must be feeling pret-ty good about himself, as evident by the shit-eating grin he refuses to wipe off his face.

jordan shit eating grin bachelorette

At dinner he explains how the hometown date will be if he gets to the final four (IF. Ha.) and he finally comes clean about the super awks relationship he has with Aaron Rogers. They like, DON’T TALK, which suddenly makes him way less of a celebrity so she immediately breaks up with him and sends him on his way.

Okay fine. She doesn’t do that! He says he’s in love with her and they make out against a wall, because that is homeboy’s fucking move. Real talk? It was sexy the first time, when the rest of the dudes were on the other side of the wall. But now that I know it’s his “thing,” I’m not into it.

On the 3-on-1 date with James T., Robby and Chase, is it raining like a motherfucker outside, so they just decide to hang out in a hotel room and get their booze on. James T. thinks it is a great idea to have Jojo shove as many French fries as she can into his mouth.

james t french fries.JPGfrench fries gross bachelorette

Enough with the fun/nice card, James. It’s the sexy part you’re missing and this little potato nightmare is NOT HELPING YOU.

Robby is now half naked running down the halls of the hotel, but I honestly don’t give a shit because his hair is so distracting and I hate him.

They’re all having such a fun time, and while they cuddle James feels the need to be snuggling all of them at once, like an adorable puppy at the foot of the bed.

slumberparty

When they get time alone, Jojo learns that Robby and his girlfriend of over three years broke up FOUR MONTHS AGO. Obviously, she is concerned. As she should be. He keeps being like, “No! I’m totally ready for marriage. That relationship is sooo over,” and I feel like in her head she’s like, is it though???

Chase’s time goes pretty well, even though he’s probably the most boring person that has even made it this far on the show. But like, when you’re hot, you’re hot. You get to stay longer.

She and James have the sweetest conversation, but I know he’s a goner. You can have all the qualities someone wants in a husband and father but at the end of the day, she’s got to want to fuck you. It’s just the harsh reality of the world.

Robby gets the rose, and I’m wondering if she doesn’t see his hair bump??

Luke has the final one-on-one, and he is riding horses and shooting guns like a god damn man. Jojo is a Texas girl, okay? She is INTO IT. They barely even show the rest of Luke’s date because it’s like okay we get it, she wants to jump his bowlegged bones until the cows come home (farm jokes, amiright?).

luke bachelorette

We immediately move onto the rose ceremony, and everybody (re: Chase and James T.) are flipping their shit about it. Luke gets the first rose, Aaron Roger’s brother gets the second, and Chase gets the third. Oh, you’re keeping the hot guys? Got it.

James T. is pretty sad about leaving, and what a fuckin’ doll. I am legitimately tearing up as she says goodbye to him. They will be friends one day, guys. Don’t worry. Once he’s over the heart break they will do so many fun friendzone things together.

jojo cry james bachelorettejames t sad bachelorette

Next week is HOMETOWNS, and I cannot wait. I am so excited about this supposed Robby drama that I swear to God if it turns out the editors are toying with my emotions and there ISN’T Robby drama I will light my apartment on fire. Robby has got. To go.

Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here.

It’d be real neat if you’d follow me on Twitter.

Also, I had absolutely nowhere to put this in the recap, but here is the Screengrab Of The Night, presented by Pedigree dog food:

dogs

The Bachelorette Recap: “Why Am I Crying?”

wells jojo date bachelorette

Do you ever lie in bed and think man, I miss Chad. And Evan. And Grant. And Vinny. And even Canadian Daniel. No? K. Me neither.

We’re in Buenos Aires, and traveling is one of the funnest things for Jojo. Yes she says funnest and yes, I die a little inside. I want to believe she’s smart and she is absolutely ruining it.

Wells gets the one-on-one date and everybody seems really happy for him, until he says he and Jojo haven’t kissed yet and they all cock their heads to the side like dogs who just heard your weird cousin blow into his Weenie Whistle. They’re like HUH??

wells happy bachelorette

He gets ready for his date and proudly shows off his matching leather jacket and duffel, which he obviously bought as a set.

wells leather jacket bachelorette

Luke immediately asks Jojo and Wells if they’re going to kiss today. That Luke I tell ya, he low key stirs the pot. Just sneaks into the kitchen like a 6’ foot tall bowlegged Keebler elf and gives the wooden spoon a few turns.

The boys cannot stop talking about Wells and this kiss. One of them even says, “If it’s not the best kiss he’s ever given, he might be going home.” I am giving my television more side-eye than the strange toys Wells and Jojo play with on their date.

bachelorette side eye

They go to some sort of performance art place, where betches dance in a suspended pool made out of clear tarp and I’m starting to have flashbacks of the first time I ate mushrooms. It’s a kaleidoscope of terror.

water dancers

Meanwhile the rest of the dudes just chill in a sitting area like FUCKING LOSERS. Do a puzzle or something, guys! Don’t just mingle way too close to each other in fancy chairs.

sitting.JPG

Wells and Jojo finally kiss, because LOOK AT JOJO’S BODY. You can’t not kiss that body.

jojo body bachelorette

After they kiss he immediately says, “You and I are probably different people,” which I know is the beginning of the end for ol’ Wells. At dinner she asks about his ex and he doesn’t really want to talk about it. LADIES, a PSA: any time a guy is weird about talking about their ex, you should be worried. It is NOT a good sign.

Jojo can’t give Wells the rose. Technically she CAN, but she says she can’t. This show is complicated, you know?

She cries, because girl is starting to realize that she is gonna have to dump a SHIT TON of dudes and it turns out dumping people is like, not that fun.

jojo crying bachelorette

Back at the hotel the guys seem SHOCKED that Wells doesn’t come back. Look at these nerds:

alex facejordan facerobby face

A bunch of guys get the group date card, leaving Chase and Derek for the epic SECOND 2-on-1 of the season. They’re both pissed about it but I’m sitting on my couch with a belly full of seafood ready to get this shit poppin’.

On the group date somebody makes Alex stand the furthest away from the camera, which is not doing him any favors.

boys lines up bachelorette

They play a very-arranged pickup game of soccer with some locals, and James T. is just in awe of how perfect all these dudes are. Four perfect dudes and goofy ass James T.

The main thing to take from this is that the cinematographers at ABC may have worked on the Lord of the Rings movies, because they are doing some forced-perspective camera work that rivals hobbits eating at a table any day. Look how small these people look! It’s madness!

forced perspective bachelorette

Reminds me of the time Natalie and I posed for this beautiful photo:

forced perspective warner brothers

BUT I DIGRESS. Anyway is Jojo having the best day ever? I don’t know, you tell me.

jojo group date

At the cocktail party Luke and Jojo talk, and by talk I mean they make out like god damn crazy. It is fucking PASSIONATE. He’s pulling on her hair, she’s got her hand in his crotch.

jojo luke sexy bachelorettejojo hand in crotch luke

I’m uncomfortable watching and I’m pretty sure my boyfriend has a boner.

During his time, James T. talks shit about Aaron Roger’s brother and it’s got Jojo all sorts of concerned, because James is her little Labrador puppy who would never in a million years lie to her and just wants to be her best friend forever. Also he’d like some wet food, if you’ve got it.

She and James T. kiss and now I’m wondering how much making out she has to do with people she doesn’t like. What if you were on this show and had to just like, make out with whoever leaned into your face. Ugh.

Anyway Aaron Roger’s brother is like, fucking PISSED at James. He comes back from talking to Jojo and just sits and swirls his white wine in complete silence like a mental patient with a big secret. He is SWIRLING IT WITH PURPOSE.

jordan swirling winewhite wine jordan rogers bachelorette

Everybody’s basically like are you having a seizure, bro? What is happening? He does NOT like that James said he was acting entitled. He doesn’t even know what entitled means, okay? He honestly doesn’t and he keeps asking what entitled looks like, what entitled means. Somebody get this motherfucker a pocket dictionary.

Luke gets the rose because although she had to make out with James and listen to Aaron Roger’s brother word vomit the most bullshit string of sentences ever, girl is all about dat cowboy. When you wanna fuck someone, you wanna fuck someone, ya know? It’s just science.

On the 2-on-1 date Chase, Derek and Jojo learn how to salsa dance. My question is, why are they constantly painting in Jojo’s bikini bottoms when side vag is totally fine to air?

salsa dancer crotch

I mean, WOW. Wow.

Anyway Derek thinks their love is starting and I hear myself say, “Nooo it’s not,” as I shovel greek yogurt into my mouth. They dance, it’s awkward, and I’m starting to realize that Derek looks like a cartoon character.

derek bachelorette cartoon

He talks to her after dinner and guys, he is SO freakin’ lucky to be sitting there with her. He likes her so freakin’ much. Who would’ve thought a freakin’ guy like Derek would get the chance to freakin’ date a girl like freakin’ JOJO. If Derek doesn’t stop saying the word freakin’ I’m going to make Chad find out where he lives and pay him a visit. He has the ability to do that, guys. When this show ends…

Now Jojo talks to Chase, which is very similar to talking to a wall. A beige, boring ass wall. She doesn’t think he likes her and he responds with, “Oh.” He keeps saying he’s starting to have feelings for her and it’s like bro, Robby is already IN LOVE with this bitch. You’re BEHIND.

Chase gets the rose because if he didn’t it would have to go to Derek, and Derek is muy triste about it. So sad in fact, that he’s now referring to himself in the third person by saying, “Derek is imperfect.” It sounds to me like Derek is actually a robot and once he’s done crying he’s going to mumble, “Power off Derek,” as the light dims in his eyes.

derek sad

ALSO while he sits there and sobs an opera singer performs Don’t Cry For Me Argentina (that country has one song, apparently) and it is SO CRAZY. They keep cutting from Derek to this woman singing and I honestly don’t know how to describe it. My brow is furrowed and my mouth is wide open for what feels like several minutes.

At the final cocktail party before the rose ceremony (so many phrases in The Bachelor world), Jojo looks like a god damn J’Adore ad.

jojo blue dress bachelorette

She and Aaron Roger’s brother get their shit back on track, and Alex feels unimportant but still forces her to make out with him. He is honestly swimming in his clothes. He looks like the kid in Big when he walks home and his clothes keep getting baggier and baggier because he is turning back into a child.

alex short

It’s time for her to give out roses and I hear her and I say, in unison, “Robby,” followed by “Jordan.” (Question: Do I have psychic powers? Answer: No, psychic powers are not real.)

My prediction is that James T. will get the final rose because although she does not want to have sex with him, she really doesn’t want to have sex with Alex. Except she CAN’T give out the final rose, she literally can’t even. So she gives it to Chris Harrison and they live happily ever after.

jojo rose

Okay maybe they don’t. Plot twist! Now she has two roses. Man, does this show know how to throw a curveball or WHAT. Alex and James T. both get roses because she thinks she might want to marry both of them. See what I did there? Sarcasm.

james t happy rose

We leave on Alex’s salty ass rant about how he isn’t special and he wants to feel wanted. Honey, just take the free trip around the world, okay? ENJOY. IT.

Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here

Be a cutie pie and follow me on Twitter.

PS: What is going on with Alex’s hair this time?? TENDRILS?! Jesus Christ.

alex whispy hair

But WAIT! There’s MORE!! Bonus recap from one of my best friends:

luke is a vampire

There you have it, folks! See ya next week.

The Bachelorette Recap: “You Can’t Find This With Text Messages”

jojo sand

You know what they say, Chad me once shame on you, Chad me twice, shame on me.

We left off TWO WEEKS AGO with Chad scratching at the window like a god damn murderer. What they conveniently left out was that while this was happening the remaining guys were spreading his protein powder ashes all over the boring ass forests of Pennsylvania. Ya. I know.

Chad comes into the house and wants to talk, so they gather at the landing to hash it out even though I’m 99% positive this house has like, 20 sitting areas.

chad talk landing bachelorette

Aaron Roger’s brother wants an apology from Chad, which is neva-gonna-happen so instead Chad puts his precious QB throwing hand into a vice death grip while they try to shake it out. Thankfully his QB hand is not too important for his career nowadays. (“Burn!!” -you guys)

Evan decides to take a stand. He wants his ripped shirt money and it’s like dude GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. You don’t need Chad’s ripped shirt money! Just buy a new shirt! Or better yet, pretend you went through your closet and gave that dumb burgundy v-neck to Goodwill. Canadian Daniel just stands in the corner eating cereal, watching this shit go down like he’s a guest at mystery dinner theater: where the action is all around you!

daniel eating bachelorette

Chad’s out. He gone. See you at Bach in Paradise, babe. Alex returns triumphant, and the boyz are SO FUCKING HAPPY. Alex is seeing things from a whole new perspective tonight, literally.

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Like any group of grown men, they celebrate with cakes and sparklers and I assume invisible party hats (“Mine’s got stripes on it!” –James T.)

At the pre-rose cocktail party, errbody is starting to tweak.

sad boys bachelorettewells bachelorette uruguay

We’re also at the point in the season where I’m audibly going, “Ugh” whenever she walks off with a guy I’m ready to see leave. There are quite a few that wouldn’t make my cut.

I don’t even know this guy’s name but I hear him say, “I wrote you a poem.” Yikes.

james f poem bachelorette

She talks with Luke, and it’s cute because girl is way into him. He has some good angles, but his hair is very tall. Jojo notices his tall hair.

luke bachelorette tall hairjojo notices tall hair luke

Now everyone’s talking about what made Chad wonderful and it’s like Jesus Christ, pick a lane!! Are you fucking KIDDING ME? You spent a month punching Chad’s voodoo doll in the dick and now you’re saying he brought all of you closer? I literally. Can’t. Even.

Evan’s in a tizzy (what else is new!!) because Luke is going to talk to Jojo again and Evan hasn’t gotten a turn yet. Evan SAYS he wants to talk to her, yet he is just standing with all his dude friends NOT talking to her so you tell me, DOES he want to talk to her? Simple reasoning says no. (I fucking killed the logic section of my SATs, guys. Really annihilated it. Is there a logic section of the SATs? Things to think about.)

Meanwhile, Aaron Roger’s brother is gettin’ some:

jordan jojo makeout bachelorette
jordan bachelorette hot

At the rose ceremony I’m kind of thinking to myself who DON’T I want to go home? Robby gets a rose, and here’s the thing about Robby. He ALWAYS looks like he’s heading to Easter brunch. Dude only dresses in pastel pink and yellows. It’s alarming.

robbie bachelorette rose

And Vinny is still getting roses, so we know there is a longggg way to go before some sucker gets down on one knee. Here’s Evan getting the final rose:

evan relieved bachelorette

Ugh. See? Ugh. Canadian Daniel gets kicked off and tells the boys to, “Take care, ey?” BYE DANIEL. He then talks to producers for his exit interview and says that if this were all about body he would stay, because he has a better body than Evan and Wells. Um, did you think this was all about body? WHY would it be all about body. For the record, his body is weird.

Jojo tells the rest of le brosefs that they are going somewhere exotic and if I remember her big drum roll to the Pennsylvania reveal correctly, I assume she is about to say, “Fort Lauderdale!!” But she doesn’t, they’re going to Uruguay. Is Grant excited? I can’t tell.

grant excited uruguay bachelorette

When they get to their hotel room in Uruguay somebody says they have a 360 degree view of the ocean, which just goes to show that we are watching dummies.

Aaron Roger’s brother gets the first one-on-one and the rest of them immediately turn on him. They think he’s just trying to get another stamp in his passport which is CRAZY because he JUST got another stamp in his passport like, that morning at customs. Also have you ever seen someone style their hair this aggressively?

jordan rogers primp hairjordan rogers primp hair 2

Such intensity in the eyes! I don’t like it.

He and Jojo go to Seal Island, which sounds a lot like Shark Food Island and my meh-level swimming skills would definitely not save me in that situation. No gracias, as they say.

Back at the hotel the guys suddenly have a copy of InTouch Weekly and Vinny’s cutting hair like this is the set of Barbershop 8: Loser White Guys. Like, is this real? ABC wants me to think Vinny just happened to have a NEW InTouch Weekly even though none of these guys have been allowed to turn on a TV or hold a cell phone for the past five weeks? The main article is Jojo’s ex-boyfriend dishing about how they were still talking and in love when she was on Ben’s season. Smells fishy, kids.

jojo intouch weekly

Meanwhile Aaron Roger’s brother and Jojo have dinner and  Jojo decides to confront him about some things. She met someone who dated him and it didn’t end well. This boy is SQUIRMING.

He explains that ya know, he didn’t cheat, he was just talking to and enjoying other girls when he shouldn’t have. I think that’s cheating? He and Jojo have a weird, deep conversation about their feelings and love and Jojo goes, “Do you ever think it’ll scare you so much it’ll make you pull away?” I want you guys to just picture, for a second, me saying that to a guy. They would be like WHAT, SAM? Are you talking to me or making yourself a voice-memo for your audiobook?

They get back from their date and these dudes have a lot of questions about the magazine and Jojo’s ex, who BTW is also named Chad. Let me remind you that this is the same Chad who sent her a creepy love letter during Ben’s season and the producers let her think it was from Ben until she FREAKED OUT about it.

jojo reads intouch bachelorettejojo bachelorette intouch cry

Upon being handed this article Jojo gets, in a word, hysterical. Like, hysterical in that way where you’re like oh fuck, she’s got some demons about this relationship. Something bad happened there. She explains things to the boys and they now officially hate all Chads of the world.

Little bonus Charlie’s Angels clip for you guys.

On the group date they go sand surfing and Brad is jealous of everyone, which is right on schedule for the guy who got the first one-on-one date ten billion years ago. Also I just realized his name is actually Derek, not Brad.

Derek gets the group date rose because he needs reassurance and it does NOT sit well with Alex. Alex is all pissed off and I want to tell Alex to get a fucking life. Also, let me take a moment to say I think I would be great on this show. I would never win, but I could totally be the “funny” girl in the house who gets kicked off six weeks in. I’d lose in love but I’d gain lifelong girlfriends. It’s honestly a sisterhood.

ANYWHO Robby gets the last one-on-one and things seem to be going pretty well.

jojo dog bachelorette date

Ha! I’m kidding, that’s not Robby! That’s a dog.

They go cliff diving and Robby looks like an 80s Ken doll from hell.

robbie date bachelorette

He loves her. Okay? He loves her. So he says it! Except now my boyfriend, who has been absolutely SILENT up until this point goes, “Little early, huh?” Yip.

Before the cocktail party Derek thinks some of the guys have a clique and he would like to tell them that they have a clique. It is very lame of him.

Also Grant next to this candelabra in his vest thing looks exactly like he is playing the part of Lumiére in the Broadway revival of Beauty and the Beast and someone wanted to interview him sitting next to his costume:

grant lumiere bachelorette

Chris Harrison lets these noodles know that there won’t be a cocktail party tonight, they’re headed straight to the rose ceremony and THREE people are leaving. I vote Grant, Evan, and Vinny. Jojo agrees with me.

Evan is sad. Vinny is sad. Everyone is sad.

evan sad bachelorettevinny sad bachelorette

Next week we’re in Buenos Aires, and Jojo is in some sort of AMAZING BLUE DRESS. Stay tuned.

Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here.

You can also be a GEM and follow me on Twitter.

PS: what the fuck was going on with Alex’s hair here???????

alex bachelorette flat hair