As a huge Gilmore Girls fan, this was a labor of love (and silliness). I hope you all enjoy Gilmore Girls: “Aliens Attack Stars Hollow!”
And in case you need to know where I stand personally, Jess > Logan > Dean > Marty > Paul From The Actual Revival > Guy Who Rejected Rory In The Laundry Room at Yale.
Oh, and Luke > Max Medina > Alex The Coffee Enthusiast > Christopher > Gross Guy Who Hits On Lorelai in the Pilot Episode > Jason Styles.
In omnia paratus!
Do they provide SPF in paradise, or are all of these people going to look 90 when they’re 42? (“Hi Grandma!” “I’m not your grandma, I’m your mom.”)
We left off with Evan standing on a cliff’s edge, trying to be talked down by a suicide negotiator. Okay technically he was on his way to pull Amanda away from Josh, but those two activities are sort of one in the same to me.
You know when you break up with 26 people, and then they all sit in a room together with a shit ton of fake eyelashes on and talk about you? BEN GETS ME.
We kick off the Women Tell All (alternate title: Women Are Mad!) with Ben and Chris hitting up some Bachelor Nation viewing parties. They just walk in the front door of people’s houses as if nobody in the entire country locks their fucking doors at night. Lock your doors, people!
There are a couple things to take from this beautiful adventure Chris and Ben are on together. First, one of these houses has 40 girls in it. FORTY GIRLS! If I lined up all my girlfriends, including my best friend when I was 3 (Paige from Apple School), there would be like, twelve people. Quality over quantity, aight? Look at all these betches:
The second thing to take from it is the cake with Chris Harrison’s face on it that says, “Hare for the right reasons.” I honestly have no fucking idea what this cake is about. Easter hasn’t even HAPPENED yet. Is it a play on the name hare-ison? This is absolute crazytown.
At the Tell All, I assume Ben is chilling backstage eating veggie dip and/or a hummus platter from craft services while Chris introduces all the women scorned. They start going through them and it’s like who are these people?! So many girls I totally forgot about and a few I am positive I have never seen before in my life.
Chris plays footage of the DRAMA and we cover all the bases: Lace, Jubilee, Leah, Olivia. Remember Lace? (“How could I forget her when she haunts my dreams at night.” -You)
We get into it with Leah and by we I mean Chris Harrison straight up turns to her and goes, “Leah, what happened with you?” and the crowd BOOS HER.
Don’t roll on Lauren B, girl! Don’t. Roll. On. Lauren. B. Leah doesn’t think her PRIVATE (FILMED and MIC-ED) conversation should be discussed among the girls even though I have discussed it among MY girls, and I don’t know any of these people personally, professionally, or otherwise.
Leah’s not looking good in this but it’s Jamie who’s really shitting the bed. She is talking like, way too much. You weren’t there, Jamie! Nobody remembers you, JAMIE. However Jamie’s blabbering is a nice segue* into the Jubilee conversation.
*UMM DID YOU KNOW THIS IS HOW YOU SPELL THE WORD SEGWAY?? WHAT THE FUCK.
Amber and Jamie are mad at Jubilee because she kept saying how she was the only full black girl on the show. Chris Harrison’s white ass is like hmm I’m going to chill by these very nice flameless candles and let you guys work it out. Not touching this topic with a 5 million foot pole. (“Siri, remind me to google full black girl definition later” -Chris whispering into his phone)
After Jamie repeats herself 70 fucking times Leah literally turns to her and is like, “Get over it” which I believe is her subtle way of clapping back at Jamie for her earlier bullshit.
Jubilee apologizes for anything that offended them, because she’s a badass bitch and girl can step up when she needs to. I always liked that knucklehead. It’s time for Jubilee to sit with Chris and it’s here I remember these girls have to relive their entire fucking journey in a video package before Chris forces them to talk about it. This is the exact face I would make if I had to watch a highlight reel of my past relationships:
Neat footage, fuckers. However Jubilee is still a little sads about how it went down, as evident by this single tear:
It’s Lace’s turn in the hot seat, and I am officially buried under my throw blanket, head poking out as if I just heard the loudest clap of thunder while home alone because my parents are out at the boat gambling. In short: I am scared. Lace is so fucking happy to watch herself cry. She thinks her own heartbreak is HILARIOUS:
This is of course the sign of a serial killer. BUT, the one thing she learned from being on the show was to be aware of her facial expressions. This makes me smile. There is a 100% chance I would totally change everything about my expressions after watching myself on a reality show. Has Olivia opened her mouth once since this circus of an evening started? No. No she hasn’t.
Now some guy interrupts them to show us a tattoo of Lace’s face on his body and Chris Harrison wants us to think this was a totally random occurrence even though he is the only god damn man in the ENTIRE audience.
Lace is officially invited to Bachelor in Paradise, coming this summer to ABC!™, and I cannot wait. Sure, the bachelor’s more magical. But Bachelor in Paradise is more sunburn-y, which honestly might be better.
Olivia is up, which means all the girls are cracking their knuckles, ready to actually murder this bitch if she calls herself Olivia Higgins. This is where things start to get squirrely. 1) Amanda has no voice, which is not the worst news in the world since her voice drives me un poco loco. 2) Olivia is going to be in DOUBLE TROUBLE with the twins tonight. 3) Who the FUCK is Izzy.
Olivia makes some great points here. Sure, she stole him away first at cocktail parties, but these catty bitches made fun of her breath and her toes and her breasts! Yas, girl. Speak on it. She says she was bullied as a kid and some random girl who I think is named Jennifer goes, “Well if you were bullied as a kid, wouldn’t you learn to change your behavior?” NOTICE TO ALL CHILDREN: THIS IS BAT SHIT CRAZY. Pret-ty sure that’s not how bullying works, ya piece of shit.
Basically any plan of vengeance against Olivia has backfired completely, because every time someone I don’t recognize yells at her all I can think is WHO ARE YOU. Were you ON the show or are you like, a lighting woman yelling at Olivia? Also I fucking hate the twins and want them to, in Leah’s words, get over it.
Olivia says she’s sowwy, guys. Not a single betch apologizes to her for ripping apart her body on national television, so that’s nice. Way to keep it classy, ladies.
Caila sits with Chris and has to watch her breakup with Ben, which when you think about it happened very recently. She misses him, and Lauren H. obviously feels all of the feels about it:
It’s time for Ben to face his outer demons (yup, I just called them that) and I bet he’s sweating through his suit. Chris also mentions that because Ben said I love you to two women, he’s already Fucked with a capital F.
The girls get to ask him “closure questions” and Jubilee needs to know why when he dumped her he didn’t give her another chance like how he gave Caila or JoJo anther chance when they weren’t opening up? That might not have been what she was asking but she said SO MANY WORDS before she got to an actual question that Ben and my eyes are completely glazed over.
It’s Amanda’s turn and she’s just like Ben, you’re great, keep doin you, pal. It is so silly and fabulous. Chris asks if Ben can tell the twins apart and I am THE MOST sad when he gets them right. I would call up Time Warner and let them charge me $29.99 to watch him get that wrong.
We’re onto the blooper reel, and I am giggling through this entire thing. Who doesn’t love a blooper reel? All I want to do for the rest of my life is watch people swat at bugs and trip down stairs. They also show Becca in the middle of a serious conversation where she calls Ben Chris, as in Chris Soules from last season. HA! Finally a non-boring moment from Becca.
Chris Harrison sums up the night by saying how much America has loved Ben and how he’s, “on the Rushmore” as far as top bachelor dudes go and it’s like Jesus, Chris, suck his dick already.
We get a preview of next week’s finale, and here is what Ben’s mom thinks about all this in-love-with-two-women drama:
Tune in next Monday for the THREE HOUR live event (my bedtime is going to get completely blown out of the water). Here’s what I’ll be doing as I watch… stuffing my god damn face:
Read last week’s fantasy suite recap here.
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You know when your boyfriend is all excited to show you his hometown, but then it turns out he drives a pontoon boat everywhere? Ya.
That’s right, y’all. We’re in Warsaw, Indiana, which is only about 26 times bigger than Chris Soules’ tiny shit town. Remember that nonsense? “This used to be a bar, this used to be the post office.” It was like fuck, Chris. This place is the WORST.
Ben greets the girls by rollin’ up in that fucking pontoon boat and every time I see it I giggle. These are the type of girls who would call their parents and be like, “Mom! He has a BOAT!” and forget to mention that its max speed is like, 3 miles per hour.
Lauren B. gets the first date card, and they go to a community center to play with kids. It’s cute, her ovaries are screaming HOLY SHIT BEN WILL BE A GREAT DAD, and then we meet Ronnie the Motherfucking Half Court King. He is DRAINING shots and it’s like paging Hollywood, somebody get this kid a reality show.
Ben and Lauren clear their shit up, and it looks like it’s gonna be smooth sailing for these cuties.
JoJo gets the second date, and I can’t stop staring at her ass. She has SUCH a good ass. Girl, you been doing squats or some shit? My abs are sore from 30 crunches yesterday, if you’d like to know how my workout regimen is going.
The two of them spend the day in Chicago and I honestly cannot think of a more perfect place in the entire world. Just shits all over Warsaw. Sure, I’m from Chicago and think it’s the best city ever, but that does not mean I’m biased even though I 100% am.
They go to Wrigley Field and Ben says he is a Cubs fan no fewer than 45 times. He REALLY LOVES THE CUBS and I know my besties from home are beaming with joy about the fact that all he wants to do in life is fly the W. (Hi Ash, Hi Nat!)
They lie down on the grass (not lay, don’t even fucking try me), and it is so beautiful. Eat shit, Fault In Our Stars poster, this is how you chill on some grass.
Seriously could this date get any more LOVELY???
Ben is falling for JoJo. He says so. And then he says SO MANY MORE WORDS. He goes on and on and on about feelings and thoughts and love and girl is basically like:
It’s here that I realize JoJo is 24 years old. 24!!! This bitch that, in my mind, I want to be like when I grow up, is younger than me. Life really is sad, isn’t it? Wow.
Back at what I’m guessing is an Airbnb the girls get the 3-on-1 date card and Emily’s name isn’t called, which means she gets the final one on one. She is not at all excited about it.
She thinks she still has a shot in this, and suddenly I hear my boyfriend’s voice asking, “Has he kissed the twin yet?” which startles me because I am so engrossed in the television that I hadn’t even noticed he sat down next to me and for a second I’m thinking holy shit, my throw pillows really HAVE been watching TV with me!! I knew it!
On the 3-on-1 date Caila, Becca and Amanda fly kites with Ben and I bet they’re wondering where all the fun helicopter dates went. It honestly looks like they’re shooting the cover of a self-help book over here.
Becca is unraveling slowly but surely, although it’s hard to tell because she hasn’t made a single facial expression since the dawn of time. Also Caila and Ben talk, and Caila has SUCH GOOD HAIR. What is she, not drinking every night or something? Geez.
She moved 17 times before college, which in my book is about 17 times too many. If my parents tried to move I would stand in front of my fucking house and not let them do it, like George Banks when Eugene Levy tried to demolish his home in Father of the Bride Part Two. The point is, Caila pictures herself as moss.
Amanda gets the group rose, because obvi he has to validate that he wants to meet her kids. The other girls are muy triste about it. Becca has a family too, guys!
Although let’s be real if you’re going to be sad, this is a good place to be sad in:
Pret-ty nice.
Amanda gets more one on one time because she got the rose, so naturally they go to McDonalds because the ABC execs want me to pretend I don’t remember that weird fucking commercial Ben did three weeks ago. We get it, The Bachelor is sponsored by McDonalds. You don’t have to beat me over the god damn head with it by repeating the word McMuffin until my ears bleed. Amanda is probably going, “Can I talk about my feelings, or do I have to say breakfast all day again?”
However not gonna lie, this is my perfect date.
(Those fries really are made out of pure crack cocaine. They must be, right? Who’s regulating that shit??)
Next they go to a carnival, where he tries to kiss her on a carousel. It is very awkward because you know, the horses keep going up and down. Classic carousel behavior.
The next day Lauren B. sits with Amanda and goes, “You came home so happy. Tell me about it,” which is NOT what I would say to some betch who’s dating the same guy as me. I think it would go more like, “Hm, your coffee tastes weird? That is so odd. Oh hey, can somebody put the Drano back on the top shelf? Thanks!!!!!” (Haha get it?! Murder.)
It’s time for Emily’s date, and I know her days are numbered. And by days I mean day. This is definitely her final day.
She meets his parents and has a severe case of word vomit, where she pukes up maybe every word she’s ever learned, including “Denver Broncos cheerleader,” which is what every man’s mother wants to hear is the career goal of her future daughter-in-law. She also admits that she is average at everything and it’s like girl, keep that to yourself!
Ben’s mom cries. That is how much she hates Emily. Emily however, thinks “this is just the beginning.” She is of course mistakenly referring to the beginning of their love story and not the beginning of her long ass travel day flying back to Vegas.
Ben sits her down and dumps her ass and she is basically like damn, Gina. She MET HIS PARENTS and here she is, dropped on her head like so many of my friends when they were babies.
Everyone is upset about her departure. I mean, they are ALL crying. Are they cycle sisters, or what? (I am not above a period joke. I’m probably BELOW a period joke at this point.)
The rose ceremony looks fucking freezing, and Ben doesn’t know what to do because he pictures himself falling in love with five girls, which is HILARIOUS. Anyway he sends Becca home and she is pissed, okay? Pissed.
She told that mother fucker not to blindside her and here he goes, blindsiding her even though she kind of knew it was coming?
Next week is hometowns!!!! Do we think Ben can handle Amanda’s screaming children? Will Caila’s home without roots be enough?? I don’t know. I just don’t know.
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I’d like to go on record and say that the helicopter cameramen on this show all deserve raises. I don’t know if it’s just one guy named Ned or if it’s a fleet of sexy Marks and Seans, but I respect his/their work.
We left off last week with Ben pulling Olivia aside before the rose ceremony and I was sure her ass was going home right then and there. But they talk about why the fuck nobody likes her and she explains that all the girls in the house are into painting nails while she’s into “reading books and thinking.” SO THAT’S WHY THEY DON’T LIKE HER. BECAUSE OF THE BOOKS AND THE THINKING.
Ben lets her stay and Emily is freaking the fuck out about it. She is like, SO upset and I wanna be like girl, you better check yourself before you wreck yourself.
In the Bahamas, Caila gets her second one on one date and since Leah hasn’t even gotten her first date yet it gives her a bad case of the sads, which quickly turns into the mads. She can’t even look at that fool!
On Caila’s date they do some kind of fishing that requires her to wear a plastic belt and I’m going to be honest with you, it’s not my favorite look. Definitely wouldn’t be fighting my way into Bloomingdale’s for it. Also Caila and Ben are looking 100% straight out of SkyMall right now.
They talk about their feelings and Caila feels like she loves him, but is afraid to hurt him because he feels unlovable and she feels like she can’t totally love? It is a lot of WORDS that don’t really mean anything, but I guess that shit works because Caila gets a rose.
On the group date they feed pigs on a strange Bahamian pig island that I’m positive I’ve read about on Buzzfeed/UpRoxx/www.whogivesashit.net. It is COMICAL and I would be terrified.
Look at JoJo with these pigs. Nooo thank you.
Meanwhile Ben and Lauren B. are clicking so hard you’d think they were the right side of my jaw (I suffer from TMJ), and the editors paint in Leah’s bikini bottoms because if there’s one thing Bachelor Nation can’t handle, it’s a little bit o’ ass.
Leah cries on the fucking beach and the second she calls Ben an idiot, I know she’s going home tonight. BEN HIGGINS IS AMERICA’S SWEETHEART and I think it’s actually illegal to talk about him like that.
He spends the entire night apologizing to the other betches for drooling all over Lauren B. and Leah is not having it. She goes, “I don’t want to start drama, or name names, but-” which you and I both fucking know is always how the SHADIEST shit starts. She says that Lauren B. doesn’t act the same around the girls as she does in front of Ben. Put your glasses on, ladies. That was a fucking READ.
Ben tells Lauren and when Leah is confronted about it she chokes out a, “Well I didn’t say anything. I’m not the type of person to like, single somebody out.” Ohhhh snap, this girl is lying through her fucking teeth!! This is absolutely wild.
The girls talk about it later and of course Lauren B is crying and Amanda is rubbing Emily’s arm. This is the start of so many lesbian pornos I can’t even tell you. NOT THAT I WATCH PORNOGRAPHY OF ANY KIND, MOM.
Leah curls her eyelashes, then goes to see Ben in the middle of the night so she can talk even more shit about Lauren B. She actually says that’s why she’s going over there and it’s like what the FUCK is going on tonight?!
Ben is just sitting in his room drinking red wine by himself with a full camera crew when she shows up, so naturally he’s pretty surprised to see her. She goes in on Lauren and I’m convinced Ben is thinking bitch, you’re talking smack about my girl, you’re out. Which is EXACTLY what happens. I am a sorcerer.
Leah feels like an idiot, and she should because she was totally being an idiot. Baiii.
It’s time for the classic Bachelor 2-on-1 date, where there’s “two girls, one rose, one stays, one goes…” and I hope whoever wrote that on season 1 of the Bachelor still gets residual checks because that line is PURE GOLD.
Olivia and Emily are not thrilled to be going together, nor are they particularly thrilled at how windy it is today. Not a great day for boating. I would be puking overboard.
On this random ass island of wind and freezingness Olivia talks to Ben and I half expect her to say she’s already filed paperwork to change her name to Olivia Higgins. Instead she just keeps saying weird things about herself like that she’s comfortable in her body, which we all know is a fucking lie because she had to clear that cankle shit up REAL quick a few weeks back. She also says the sentence, “Intellectual things are my jam.” YA. I BET.
She tells Ben she loves him and then something juicy goosey happens. He says she’s great, “but…” and she immediately knows she’s done. Look at her face as she realizes.
Hey. Real talk. I know Olivia is bat shit crazy, but everything about this breakup is pretty fucking harsh. He’s basically like, “Yeah I’m not feeling it. Gotta say bye.” Ice cold, Higgins! Doesn’t even walk her out, because she’s on an island and limos can’t get there.
It is still so god damn windy I can’t handle it. Neither can Emily’s hair.
Emily. YOU HAVE TWO HAIR THINGS ON YOUR WRIST. Get your shit together.
They leave Olivia on this island all by herself, I’m assuming to die. I just can’t get over these helicopter cameramen! You guys are getting some FOOTAGE tonight!
The rest of the ladies get ready for the cocktail party/rose ceremony, but once they’re done up to high heavens Chris Harrison shows up instead of Ben. “Oh shoot” is right, Becca. Oh shoot is right.
Ben is being a little emo and doesn’t want a cocktail party. He’s tired of talking to you crazies, okay? His mind is made up. But once I realize there are 7 girls left I totally get it and am like ahh, bye Lauren H.
Lauren B. is tripping balls about maybe not getting a rose because of Liar Leah, which is sheer insanity and she needs to calm her shit down. She of course DOES get a rose and like I said, we say goodbye to Lauren H.
They tease the rest of the season and by the end of the package my mouth is OPEN. I don’t know what’s going to happen but it sure as shit looks like he decides to propose to someone he’s already sent home. Fasten your seatbelts, guys. This emotional roller coaster is juuuuust creeping up to the big drop.
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