I want you guys to know that I’m at my parents house this week, and instead of spending precious time with the people who birthed and raised and supported me, here I sit on the living room floor drinking rosé and watching what appears to be week 40 million of this thing. That’s how much I love you guys. (And this entire beautiful franchise.)

Like every episode this season, we left off with Ashley crying about Jared.

She’s not over him, which is totally upsetting but not AS upsetting as Caila saying that Ashley is like a sister to Jared. Ooooo, the shade!! Except joke’s on her, every guy who has ever referred to me as their “sister” totally wanted to bang me. (Thank God I don’t have any actual brothers, amiright?! Incest joke. Some of my best material.)

ANYWHO so Ashley is living in a nightmare that keeps getting darker and darker, which is exactly how I feel after a spray tan that comes out too orange. Ashley is devastated about Jared, but also about her dog Lucy who died this year and now lives in an urn in her house. I don’t care how crazy you are, the second someone talks about their dead dog I am having ALL OF THE FEELS. Poor Ashley. Poor Lucy. Fuck Caila.

But then Wells shows up to paradise looking like the Mr. Cool Guy that he is, and Ashley is into it.

Everyone BEGS him to take her on a date. They are like PLEASE, WELLS. PLEASE. So he does! They laugh, they talk about Instagram, they eat giant tostadas.

It’s basically what every night by myself looks like. Wells asks her what her favorite band is because you know, he is a DJ in Nashville so I guess you could say music is his “thing” and you know what Ashley’s favorite band is? C’mon. Guess! It’s fun. HANSON. Hanson is not only her favorite band but is the band she decides to TELL him is her favorite band.

Now I am immensely curious about which Hanson deep cuts are her faves. (Speaking of bands and songs and shit, you guys buy Britney’s new album yet? Because Glory is like, the best so you should probably get the fuck on that ASAP.)

Wells and Ashley kiss, then they light wish lanterns and float them into the sky, and then those same wish lanterns come crashing down in a flaming pile of broken dreams.

As soon as we’re back from a commercial these big shots at ABC are like okay it’s time to SWITCH GEARS!! Now we’re onto Lace and Grant, who seem to be having some trouble because she talked to Carl but mostly because Grant is wearing skinny jeans with a fierce ass cuff that only myself and SJP could rock.

Anyway so now they’re fighting and everyone is confused about it but not as confused as Brett. He’s the most confused.

Nick and Jen are stoked to finally fuck tonight in that one weird double bed reserved for couples. Somebody needs to call up Chris Harrison and be like YO CHRIS, we need more beds. My idea of “paradise”does not include a twin bed and ninety fans.

So here’s where things take a turn. Amanda told Nick and Jen that they could have the fuck bed because she is tired and doesn’t need to see her fuck boi. But Josh, the supreme asshole that he is, immediately gets territorial about their love nest and the second there is one SHRED of miscommunication about it he metaphorically pisses all over the fitted sheet in a wild attempt to mark his territory. He is such a piece of shit.

After he shows his true colors (that are all ugly and mean) he sleeps on a bed with no sheet spread eagle like a true psycho.

Oh also, they pretend that he is having sexual dreams about pizza and they add moans and shit to ethereal images of ‘za and it’s like guys, reel it in.

By the pre-rose cocktail party Lace and Grant have made up and Evan and Carly are falling in love. It is like, very adorable. Daniel is stressing the fuck out about getting a rose, so he brings one of the twins a tray of meats.

Hey, if you ever want ANYTHING from me, the best place to start is charcuterie. That is just a fact. He also brings Izzy a lamp and it’s like babe, you should’ve just kept Sarah when you had the chance. She liked you, and none of these people like you.

This is also apparently a good time for the twins to gossip to Nick about Josh, and because these gals haven’t found love they won’t be giving out roses this week. Carl’s like huh? Ryan’s like huh? You guys are like who’s Ryan? So Carl and Ryan and Daniel leave, and the twins leave. Talk about an awkward fucking van ride.

But before the twins go they pull their BFF Amanda aside to tell her that “people” are worried about Josh’s intentions, effectively throwing all of the fucking blame and ownership onto Nick.

This is your best friend, ladies!! Grow a pair and tell her you think Josh is wack as shit! They sob hysterically while telling Amanda that these “people” don’t like Josh and I’m now shouting into my parent’s television, “IT’S GOING TO BE FINE,” while swigging the last of my wine.

Josh goes Macho Man on everyone’s ass. He rounds ‘em up and needs to know RIGHT NOW who has been talking SHIT and putting his relationship with Amanda in JEOPARDY. Nick basically raises his hand and Josh is SO MAD AT HIM. I mean you can tell that Josh has a real temper problem, like a REAL ONE, and that he’s trying his damnedest to keep a fucking lid on it.

Hmm, that is so weird because I think I remember Andi saying something about his rage in her fictional story! Interesting. Very interesting.

Josh has lost his marbles and everyone is effectively afraid of him. Amanda is stressed because she doesn’t care about anyone’s concerns, but the twins are her best friends so now she is not sure. Except she IS sure because she basically goes, “Eh, it’s fine,” and she and Josh continue to make out into eternity.

The next morning Jami shows up at what I assume is 7 o’clock in the morning, because nobody is awake but Wells and Wells WOULD be a morning person, you know? Just shoots straight out of bed at 6:45 going, “Time to start a NEW DAY!!” and skips into the bathroom to brush his teeth.

So it’s just Jami and Wells there, so she asks him on a date and he says yes. Here’s the thing. I’m sure Jami is a super nice person, but they have only showed the very, very boring side of her so I’m just not excited about this pair.

Wells however IS excited, and the second he learns she has a Batman tattoo he is fucking in. This is the point in the episode where I remember everyone in paradise begged him to take Ashley on a date and how Ashley is almost in love with him and I’m like HA! You little idiots. Thinking you could pawn her off on Wells and it would all be fine. It is all NOT going to be fine as soon as she realizes he’s into Jami, I’ll tell you that right now.

Back in paradise Ashley is starting to unravel again, probably because Jared spanked Caila too hard and now she has a mark on her ass.

I know what you guys are thinking, WOW! I didn’t think Jared was that kind of sexual partner!! And I’m here to tell you that he is not. I guarantee that mark is from something totally non-sexual and joke-y. Jared does not spank girls when he’s fucking them. I feel very sure about that, down to my core. Grant however…

But Ashley is panicked, so she attempts to calm herself by applying makeup in front of the most advanced makeup station anyone has ever brought to paradise and now I’m wondering where the fuck you purchase something so magical.

(If you want hers, buy it here. If you want a fancy as fuck one with legs and shit, get it here. You’re welcome, betches!!)

After she applies some of that good CC cream with a Beauty Blender, she and Caila talk. But Caila is totally baiting her and is like, “Do you want me to go home?” and I can’t believe Ashley doesn’t point blank say YUP, THAT’D BE GREAT. But she doesn’t, and we’re left wondering if Caila is going to leave.

I guess we’ll find out… TONIGHT.

Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here. 

I’m also occasionally on Twitter.

Bonus footage of Jared being creepy as shit while kissing Caila’s arm: