We are now at the point in the season when there are too many people in paradise, so the opening credits go on FOREVER and it’s like guys, tonight’s episode is only an hour and I’m pretty sure you burned up at least twelve minutes showing who’s all here. Just get to the good shit and we’ll figure it out!!

So Izzy’s having doubts about Vinny, and also wants to go to pound town with Brett. She talks with Vinny about all of this and dude is heart. broken. He was falling for this girl and she’s throwing it away on somebody’s looks! Vinny cries, Vinny leaves.

And because I’m a shallow betch, I’d like to take this very sad, very emotional moment to point out that Izzy has low key the best body in paradise:

Like, whoa. What is that! Something tells me she doesn’t spend a hundred dollars on Chinese food to sit on her couch and watch Bachelor in Paradise. NOT THAT I DO THAT. (My potstickers are none of your god damn business!!)

Jade and Tanner show up to give everyone uncertified couples counseling and to hand out a date card. My main worry here is that they’re going to accidentally touch on some really deep issue and suddenly have to go, “Eeeee we should stop. We aren’t actually licensed professionals,” while some random gaffer tosses somebody a Xanax that’s been baking in the hot swamp of his pocket for weeks.

Grant and Lace’s talk doesn’t go well. He is trying really hard to be okay with the fact that Lace doesn’t love him yet. He’s like, “I told you I love you,” and she’s like, “YA I KNOW, I WAS THERE.”

Josh and Amanda are up next, and because Josh wants this fucking date card he is laying it on thick. Tanner literally says the words, “He’s putting it on too much,” so it’s safe to say Tanner is just now learning about our favorite action hero douchebag, Josh “Two Coats” Murray.

Look at that fucking face. You can tell that whatever words are coming out of his mouth are 100% bullshit, even through a photo.

It’s Nick and Jen’s turn to vent about their courtship, and here is a pretty accurate representation of people’s body language after FOUR DAYS of dating:

They don’t have a lot to say about their relationship because ya know, they aren’t in one yet.

Before Caila and Jared talk to them, Caila kills some time by being a passive aggressive bitch to Ashley. She looks Ashley right in the eyes and says, “Good Morning, Ashley. How you feeling?” and I am like DAYMMM. That was some cold hearted shit.

Ashley sits down with Jade and Tanner and tries to convince them not to give the date card to Caila and Jared. She also tries to communicate with Jade in some secret side-mouth code that apparently Jade knows as well.

(Is Jade trying to tell Ashley that she hates Tanner but has to keep this charade up in order to continue hawking Sugar Bear Hair vitamins on Instagram as her job now??)

Jared and Caila get the date, and Ashley feels in no way betrayed by their decision:

They have a water date, which basically means they get rained on during their entire dinner but are forced by producers to sit there and talk as if they aren’t getting rained on. Guys, we know it’s raining. These fucks are soaking wet.

Now they’re in some kind of Playboy mansion grotto making out in their underwear. It is very sexual and Jared is trying his hardest to score a Calvin Klein campaign.

They are full on water boning, or at the very least Jared is poking her in the upper thigh with a raging erection. Right ladies? We’ve all been there.

Meanwhile Ashley sits at home thinking about how she might die if they get the fantasy suite this season. She is majorly skeeved out by the thought.

The next day Evan and Carly get a date where they are cooked in a brick oven like little pizzas.

I mean that’s really the only way to describe it. But Evan opens up to her and has this beautiful honest moment where he says she accepts him for everything that he is and AM I CRYING RIGHT NOW?? Jesus Christ. It is like, SO SWEET and Carly is actually genuinely touched and is like wow, I’ve been dating mega assholes for my entire life and here is this nerdy weirdo who loves me!! He doesn’t say he’s in love but like, HE IS. THEY ARE.

Back in paradise everyone else sits around bored as shit because this is week four and there are only so many days of fun in the sun before you have nothing to god damn do. You don’t feel like another Mojito, ya know? You’ve had 1,200 of them in the last thirty days. Caila says she’s going to go paint her nails, so Ashley sees her chance.

Girl is going to sabotage the absolute fuck out of this relationship because if she doesn’t have anyone to date here she might as well destroy the happiness of her best friend.

She really Jedi mind tricks him and calls Caila a robot which is EXACTLY what I called her in yesterday’s recap so like, points to me. But she really cuts Caila deep when she says the ultimate insult:

Whoa. Harsh. Jared being Jared immediately goes to Caila to talk to her about this shit.

Ugh, Jared. Don’t be stupid. Caila is like dude, what did Ashley say?! And he starts back pedaling faster than a bike messenger who’s gone one street too far (nailed it). He’s straight up lying to Caila at this point and is like, “Oh God no, she’d never say anything bad about you.” Pret-ty sure she called Caila a NOT AWESOME ROBOT two seconds ago, Jared. He’s stuck in this weird position and I bet he’s thinking fuck, I done goofed.

So Caila’s angry. She’s like, the fuck? And needs to talk to Ashley. She asks Ashley why she’s been running her trap to her man, and also wonders how she’ll ever get closer to Jared than Ashley and here is where Ashley really wins me over tonight. She just goes yeahhh, you’ll never be as close to him as I am.

I mean that is totally not true AT ALL but I LOVE that she thinks that. Stand your ground!! It’s also a good time to point out that Caila just went to paint her nails one hour ago and they look like complete garbage:

Is that White Out? Have you never painted your nails before? What the fuck is going on there?

Read last night’s recap here. Or other ones here. 

My Twitter has some words on it too. 

Next week in paradise, something weird goes down with ol’ Two Coats and I cannot wait!! He’s the worst. A “fictional story.” SMH.