Welp, my house is filled to the rafters with zucchini noodles, so you know what that means: HOMETOWNS!! Guys, we’re down to the final four and if you aren’t stuffing your face with spiralized squash and Paul Newman’s Sockarooni sauce, ya ain’t doin’ hometowns right!!
Eric’s up first so Rachel is in Balitmore, and is Eric maybe attractive now? He isn’t in a suit that’s twelve sizes too large on him, so now it looks like he mysteriously grew 2 feet.
If I’m keeping it 100 right now, I literally cannot remember where these fucks are on a globe.
Norway? Denmark? It’s a been a pret-ty boozey two weeks since I last checked in with these noodles, so if I get any immediate details wrong please remember that I drank an entire bottle of champagne whilst floating around in a pool yesterday covered in SPF 50 from head to motherfucking toe, so I’m a lil cloudy.
Hope everyone had a nice 4th of July, and ended the day with a Wendy’s frosty like I did!!
THIS SHIT IS ANOTHER TWO HOURS?! Jesus Christ, Chris Harrison. You crazy.
We last left Rachel on the 2 on 1 date, contemplating life while leaning on a very mossy tree.
That tree’s fake, right? They for sure brought that shit in. I find it highly sus.
Meanwhile Kenny is screaming at Lee, and although they basically have to bleep every word out of his mouth for an entire minute, I’m pretty sure at one point he says, “I’m going to drag my dick across your grave,” which is honestly the best thing I’ve ever heard. (These are the types of visuals that I, as a writer, strive to create.)
By Sam Jarvis
Out of dry shampoo.
Amazon Prime takes two days
But I need it now.
What to have for lunch?
Something healthy or yummy?
I guess I’ll eat carbs.
Gel manicure chipped
So I sit here picking them.
Now they look awful.
A boy is en route,
I guess I will shower now.
I don’t feel like it.
I want some rosé.
The fridge is barren and sad
Who will bring me some?
Read more from my strange brain here.
Let me take this time to thank each and every one of you who heard the VIRAL NEWS that Rachel is going to be the next Bachelorette, and then immediately texted or e-mailed me to congratulate me on being so fucking right. Because who guessed weeks ago that she was going to be the first black Bachelorette? Oh, that’s right-
Damn, it feels good to be a gangster.
We left off last week with Nick crying and crying and crying. He had the most major case of le sads ever, because what if he can’t find his wife on this television show? WHERE, oh where, in the city of Los Angeles will he find someone who shares the same interests as him, such as being on a television show?
Weekend Sam is a filter whore!!
whoissamjarvis: VERY ACTIVE/SCARY ON SNAPCHAT.
who is sam jarvis 