I’m going to take this time to let you all know that on my deathbed, I would really love it if someone would blast the Bachelor in Paradise theme song, morning to night, up until my last breath. Like, I want everyone sobbing as I mouth, “ALMOST PARADISE, WE’RE KNOCKING ON HEAVEN’S DOOR. ALMOST PARADISE, HOW COULD WE ASK FOR MORE? I SWEAR THAT I CAN SEE FOREVER IN YOUR EYES… PARADISE.”

But that won’t be for another 70 years, so let’s focus on today. Caila is like wah, I want to leave!! Even though everybody at this circus is leaving in like, five days anyway.

Jared wants to talk to Ashley but Caila is leaving NOW, Jared. I’m telling you, anyone who peaces out of a free resort with an open bar before they absolutely have to is a fucking dummy. Plus, you’re on television! Yes, THE television! Milk that shit!

So Jared is mad at Ashley and wants some answers, but not before ABC puts in really loud sound effects of Ashley eating a tostada. Every time she takes a bite there is this loud ass CRUNCH and it is so fucking weird. We don’t need that, guys. We’ll be fine without it.

Caila leaves, Jared’s pissed at Ashley for fucking his shit up even though he’s actually the one that’s fucking his shit up, and Ashley cries.

Then Jared goes running after Caila’s van as if this is some weird impromptu thing even though he doesn’t have any luggage because it’s already in the fucking trunk. I bet these nerds rehearsed this choreography like, “Okay Jared run, go now! Wait no, van driver go faster! Not that fast! Everybody back to one, Jared’s wheezing.”

Wells and Jami come back from their date holding hands and Ashley truly can’t fathom that they are already at that level. What’s next, SMILING at each other?? Slow it down, you two!

Because the season is winding down, everyone talks about how the couples will make things work outside of paradise. It would help me A LOT if someone could give me some sort of chart/map situation so I could understand where everybody on this show currently lives. Because if Jami lives in Canada and Wells is in Nashville and they’ve gone on one single date by the end of this, allow me to go out on a limb here and say that shit is probz not going to pan out.

But it’s a new day with new possibilities, and by new possibilities I mean hot pieces that just walked down to the beach. Lauren and Shushanna, both from Ben’s season, are here and it’s got all the other ladies clucking around losing their shit.

Lauren has a bangin’ body, I will give her that, but her Midwestern accent KILLS ME. And I’m FROM Chicago. It is just way too much and I cringe at the thought of her trying to say something sexual. (“Hey baby, you want a blowjaaab?” –The perfect example)

Ashley thinks Shushanna is “Eurotrash” and although I’m not totally clear on what that means, I think I get her point. She seems less like she’s here to find love and more like she’s here to shake things up by getting dude’s dicks to perk up.

Lauren and “Shu” get a double date and ask Wells and Brett. So of course Ashley, Jami, AND Izzy are like fuuuuck. Wells is feeling a little overWELLSed, if you’ll accept that as my wordplay of the day. He’s gone on three dates in three days, and I bet he’d just like to sit on a beach and sip on something with a fucking umbrella in it but no, he has more ACTIVITIES to get to.

On their date they all learn to surf and surprise, Shushanna is piss poor at it.

Brett kisses Lauren because she’s, “Easy to talk to and pretty,” which just goes to show that guys gravitate towards shiny objects that take little to no effort.

Wells seems to be in over his head with Shu and describes her as a, “Sexy Bond villain,” and now I’m starting to wonder if she IS a sexy Bond villain and this show has all been an elaborate ruse to gain access to our nukes. Probably not, but MAYBE.

Back in paradise Carly and Evan roll around on a beach bed and Evan gets a boner.

Lovely. Guess the erectile dysfunction specialist really shines in his field of work.

Amanda and Josh get a date, but their dinner is boring as shit and Amanda keeps saying she’s a good judge of character even though she is clearly NOT a good judge of character because she’s in love with somebody who has a terrifying anger problem.

In Wells World (should 100% be the title of his podcast), Ashley is very aware that it is now down to her, a random girl from Canada, and a Russian hooker. HER WORDS, NOT MINE. (Although that sounds a LOT like my words, doesn’t it?)

Everyone’s chatting and Shu says to Ashley, “He’s a good kisser” which is SO bitchy and Ashley kind of mumbles something and walks off when really what she should have done was get one inch from this betch’s face and whisper, “I know.”

Next week is the two part finale, where everybody looks at rings and fucks in fantasy suites and hysterically cries afterwards. Shall be muy interesante.

Read last night’s recap here. Or other ones here. 

Or follow me on Twitter for short, neat jokes.

OH ALSO…

Let’s take a moment to chat about the fact that the next Bachelor is officially Nick Viall. I am personally VERY on board with this decision, and I think we can all agree that a Bachelor with Luke or Chase would’ve been weird and bad. These producers know what’s up, they give the people what they want! So fill out your applications, ladies, this is the last time Nick will ever be on a Bachelor show. Probably.