Guys, as much as I’ve loved providing you with the absolute HIGHLIGHT OF YOUR WEEK with these insane ramblings, I’m sort of ready to get back to my regular life. (“But you don’t have a life…” –Everyone I know)
We launch into paradise with the morning after the fantasy suites, when everybody is sexed to all hell and hopped up on mimosas and fear about the future.
I’m going to take this time to let you all know that on my deathbed, I would really love it if someone would blast the Bachelor in Paradise theme song, morning to night, up until my last breath. Like, I want everyone sobbing as I mouth, “ALMOST PARADISE, WE’RE KNOCKING ON HEAVEN’S DOOR. ALMOST PARADISE, HOW COULD WE ASK FOR MORE? I SWEAR THAT I CAN SEE FOREVER IN YOUR EYES… PARADISE.”
But that won’t be for another 70 years, so let’s focus on today. Continue reading
Real talk, when I came home last night from a long ass hair appointment all I wanted in the whole wide world was to watch this shit. And because there is no God, my DVR only recorded TWO MINUTES of CHOPPY ASS footage. Le sigh. I tell you kind souls this because I was forced to watch it on Hulu this morning and my screenshot game has been seriously compromised. So if you’re reading this going, “Ugh, Sam, not your best” know that I KNOW THAT ALREADY so kindly fuck off. Now! Where were we?!
Do they provide SPF in paradise, or are all of these people going to look 90 when they’re 42? (“Hi Grandma!” “I’m not your grandma, I’m your mom.”)
We left off with Evan standing on a cliff’s edge, trying to be talked down by a suicide negotiator. Okay technically he was on his way to pull Amanda away from Josh, but those two activities are sort of one in the same to me.
who is sam jarvis 