Do they provide SPF in paradise, or are all of these people going to look 90 when they’re 42? (“Hi Grandma!” “I’m not your grandma, I’m your mom.”)
We left off with Evan standing on a cliff’s edge, trying to be talked down by a suicide negotiator. Okay technically he was on his way to pull Amanda away from Josh, but those two activities are sort of one in the same to me.
I’m gonna be honest with you noodles, the relief I felt when I saw that Tuesday nights are going to be hour-long episodes instead of two is FOR REAL. Like yes, my goofy ass eats this shit up but at some point you gotta give a bitch a break. I need some SPACE, Bachelor in Paradise.
So Josh and Amanda are still making out all over the place, I assume only taking breaks when one of them misses their own reflection in a mirror and needs to go visit themselves for a bit.
Nick is salty as hell about it, but basically it’s distracting for everyone.
Christian shows up and Josh immediately tells him that he and Amanda have a connection so he can fuck off with any notion he had about dating her. Please picture me giving a HUGE EYE ROLL. Here is Josh’s stupid face as he says that stupid shit:
Get. Over. Yourself.
Look I’m going to be honest, by the time I pressed play on my DVR I was already a little emotionally Bachelor-ed out this week. But the second they rolled out their campy-ass intros I suddenly felt… Excited. Alive. Fucking PUMPED, for some fucking PARADISE.
Chris Harrison starts us off with some really weird poetic analogies about how “the sea is as salty as the tears of the broken hearted” and I’m immediately 100% sold on this entire season.
Also, the twins are here!
Lovely. Since we last saw everybody Jubilee has learned that she has resting bitch face (great call), Nick has nicknamed himself “The Runner Up,” and most importantly Evan kept THE SHIRT.
He buys a new one, and my boyfriend laughs out loud when Evan asks to try on a medium.
Back in Mexico, Canadian Daniel compares himself to herpes, because why the fuck not. Every single thing that comes out of his mouth is a catch phrase that should be printed on a mug. He loves rating girls AND comparing them to fruits, which in my mind means he has a very specific ranking system for his produce (Apples are 4’s, Kiwis are 9’s).
He talks to one of the twins and the other twin’s only commentary on the matter is, “Oh God, he’s high-fiving her,” which should honestly be the name of a self-help book on dating.
Daniel over-guesses Izzy’s age (“Who?” –All of us), and she doesn’t take it well, but I’m too entranced by how badly Jubilee wants to fuck Jared to give a shit. I am not personally on the Jared train, but Jubilee is tryna get all up in them guts.
A parrot suddenly warns us of danger!! Which means Chad is en route. Like, somebody in a writer’s room actually sat there and was like, “We will simulate an earthquake and/or a Godzilla encounter by showing close-ups of water glasses shaking, a parrot will give a distress call, and then Chad will walk into Paradise.” And other people in that room were like, “Great! Yes. Good.”
Anyway so Chad arrives and Evan immediately starts rifling through Chad’s luggage, because Evan has an actual death wish and has put no value on his life.
Chad and Lace hit it off for I assume the same reason that the polar ice caps are melting, which is that there is no God and this whole world is just one big blob of fuckery.
The problem is they’re making out a lot but are also like, hitting each other? They’ve drank too much, guys. TOO MUCH.
They keep slapping each other and calling each other like dogs, I think because they’re both trying to establish some sort of shit-faced dominance in their 12-minute long relationship and I just don’t see this working out long term.
Jubilee asks Jared to go on a piñata date, and I am so jealous because this is TOTALLY a place where I would thrive. They don’t call me Sam “Candy Whore” Jarvis for nothing.
But suddenly a clown is lurking behind the piñatas and Jubilee and I both are like OH HELL NO.
Like, I am fucking OUT. I’m out, Jubilee’s out, we’re both OUT. It’s also worth mentioning that Jared immediately runs away, making ZERO attempt to save her. Man up, Jared! You’re busted.
Back on the beach Izzy and Vinny are in love, and I have officially decided that if I were on Bachelor in Paradise I would immediately make friends with whatever group of people was just sitting together eating Mexican food.
Lace and Chad are a complete fucking disaster at this point, and Canadian Daniel is making a last-ditch effort to help a brother out. He’s like Chad, people are scared and you need to stop talking about murder and rape! I mean, that is just sound advice.
Everybody fucking HATES Chad now and Sarah didn’t come to paradise to deal with aggressive, drunk, abusive jerks, okay? Chad immediately calls her a “one-armed bitch” and I am screaming. Somebody shove an adrenaline needle into my sternum, I think my heart has stopped. Emily (maybe Haley??) agrees with me:
Chad tells Daniel to stop being so murder-y because Chad is OBSESSED with the word murder. He’s like a small child who has just learned the word for his genitals and incessantly runs up and down the grocery aisle shouting, “Penis! Penis! I have a penis!” That is how into the word murder Chad is.
Finally, The Chad Bear hibernates in the sand and a crab crawls under his head.
But the story of the morning is about how Chad allegedly POOPED HIS PANTS in his sleep.
Did he just smell his shorts for poop?? No. NO. I can’t.
Dude, you pooped your fucking pants. And not because you ate Indian food and got stuck in traffic. You drank too much and SHIT YOURSELF. I cannot and WILL NOT get over this.
Here’s how everyone else feels about him, summed up in one photo:
Chris Harrison calls everyone to the rose palapa, which sounds like a magical place I would love to visit. And because I haven’t done a Bachelor in Paradise recap in almost a year, I will remind everyone that a palapa is what those little beach hut things are called from the Corona commercials. See, it’s fun to learn!
So Chris gets them to gather ‘round, and I’m pretty sure the first words out of his mouth are going to be, “Chad, you shit your pants last night.” But he doesn’t say that (even though I know he’s thinking it) and instead is like, “Chad, you told all of the staff at this hotel to suck a dick.”
Chad is like nah I didn’t! And Chris is like yah bra, you did. Then you shit yourself. Chad cannot comprehend that he is being kicked out of paradise, and now wants to fight Chris Harrison. It’s the silliest thing I have ever witnessed.
Chris Harrison is a multi-millionaire and a TRUE GENTLEMAN and Chad if you lay a finger on him that motherfucker is going to sue you so fast you’ll shit your pants, again.
So Chads gone, but I guess not really because he comes back next week. The main thing to take away from, “This season, on Bachelor in Paradise…” is that this fucking show is going to be on TWICE A WEEK. Is it two hours twice a week? Jesus Christ, guys. I have a LIFE TO LIVE. I watch OTHER SHOWS. I can’t do four hours of this mess every week!! Sigh.
Read my Bachelorette finale recap here. Or other ones here.
I also write things on Twitter.
For the record I was going to title this recap, “FUCK YOU, CHRIS HARRISON” but I think I’ll just get it written on a cake instead. Seems more festive.
You know what they say, Chad me once shame on you, Chad me twice, shame on me.
We left off TWO WEEKS AGO with Chad scratching at the window like a god damn murderer. What they conveniently left out was that while this was happening the remaining guys were spreading his protein powder ashes all over the boring ass forests of Pennsylvania. Ya. I know.
Chad comes into the house and wants to talk, so they gather at the landing to hash it out even though I’m 99% positive this house has like, 20 sitting areas.
Aaron Roger’s brother wants an apology from Chad, which is neva-gonna-happen so instead Chad puts his precious QB throwing hand into a vice death grip while they try to shake it out. Thankfully his QB hand is not too important for his career nowadays. (“Burn!!” -you guys)
Evan decides to take a stand. He wants his ripped shirt money and it’s like dude GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. You don’t need Chad’s ripped shirt money! Just buy a new shirt! Or better yet, pretend you went through your closet and gave that dumb burgundy v-neck to Goodwill. Canadian Daniel just stands in the corner eating cereal, watching this shit go down like he’s a guest at mystery dinner theater: where the action is all around you!
Chad’s out. He gone. See you at Bach in Paradise, babe. Alex returns triumphant, and the boyz are SO FUCKING HAPPY. Alex is seeing things from a whole new perspective tonight, literally.
Like any group of grown men, they celebrate with cakes and sparklers and I assume invisible party hats (“Mine’s got stripes on it!” –James T.)
At the pre-rose cocktail party, errbody is starting to tweak.
We’re also at the point in the season where I’m audibly going, “Ugh” whenever she walks off with a guy I’m ready to see leave. There are quite a few that wouldn’t make my cut.
I don’t even know this guy’s name but I hear him say, “I wrote you a poem.” Yikes.
She talks with Luke, and it’s cute because girl is way into him. He has some good angles, but his hair is very tall. Jojo notices his tall hair.
Now everyone’s talking about what made Chad wonderful and it’s like Jesus Christ, pick a lane!! Are you fucking KIDDING ME? You spent a month punching Chad’s voodoo doll in the dick and now you’re saying he brought all of you closer? I literally. Can’t. Even.
Evan’s in a tizzy (what else is new!!) because Luke is going to talk to Jojo again and Evan hasn’t gotten a turn yet. Evan SAYS he wants to talk to her, yet he is just standing with all his dude friends NOT talking to her so you tell me, DOES he want to talk to her? Simple reasoning says no. (I fucking killed the logic section of my SATs, guys. Really annihilated it. Is there a logic section of the SATs? Things to think about.)
Meanwhile, Aaron Roger’s brother is gettin’ some:
At the rose ceremony I’m kind of thinking to myself who DON’T I want to go home? Robby gets a rose, and here’s the thing about Robby. He ALWAYS looks like he’s heading to Easter brunch. Dude only dresses in pastel pink and yellows. It’s alarming.
And Vinny is still getting roses, so we know there is a longggg way to go before some sucker gets down on one knee. Here’s Evan getting the final rose:
Ugh. See? Ugh. Canadian Daniel gets kicked off and tells the boys to, “Take care, ey?” BYE DANIEL. He then talks to producers for his exit interview and says that if this were all about body he would stay, because he has a better body than Evan and Wells. Um, did you think this was all about body? WHY would it be all about body. For the record, his body is weird.
Jojo tells the rest of le brosefs that they are going somewhere exotic and if I remember her big drum roll to the Pennsylvania reveal correctly, I assume she is about to say, “Fort Lauderdale!!” But she doesn’t, they’re going to Uruguay. Is Grant excited? I can’t tell.
When they get to their hotel room in Uruguay somebody says they have a 360 degree view of the ocean, which just goes to show that we are watching dummies.
Aaron Roger’s brother gets the first one-on-one and the rest of them immediately turn on him. They think he’s just trying to get another stamp in his passport which is CRAZY because he JUST got another stamp in his passport like, that morning at customs. Also have you ever seen someone style their hair this aggressively?
Such intensity in the eyes! I don’t like it.
He and Jojo go to Seal Island, which sounds a lot like Shark Food Island and my meh-level swimming skills would definitely not save me in that situation. No gracias, as they say.
Back at the hotel the guys suddenly have a copy of InTouch Weekly and Vinny’s cutting hair like this is the set of Barbershop 8: Loser White Guys. Like, is this real? ABC wants me to think Vinny just happened to have a NEW InTouch Weekly even though none of these guys have been allowed to turn on a TV or hold a cell phone for the past five weeks? The main article is Jojo’s ex-boyfriend dishing about how they were still talking and in love when she was on Ben’s season. Smells fishy, kids.
Meanwhile Aaron Roger’s brother and Jojo have dinner and Jojo decides to confront him about some things. She met someone who dated him and it didn’t end well. This boy is SQUIRMING.
He explains that ya know, he didn’t cheat, he was just talking to and enjoying other girls when he shouldn’t have. I think that’s cheating? He and Jojo have a weird, deep conversation about their feelings and love and Jojo goes, “Do you ever think it’ll scare you so much it’ll make you pull away?” I want you guys to just picture, for a second, me saying that to a guy. They would be like WHAT, SAM? Are you talking to me or making yourself a voice-memo for your audiobook?
They get back from their date and these dudes have a lot of questions about the magazine and Jojo’s ex, who BTW is also named Chad. Let me remind you that this is the same Chad who sent her a creepy love letter during Ben’s season and the producers let her think it was from Ben until she FREAKED OUT about it.
Upon being handed this article Jojo gets, in a word, hysterical. Like, hysterical in that way where you’re like oh fuck, she’s got some demons about this relationship. Something bad happened there. She explains things to the boys and they now officially hate all Chads of the world.
Little bonus Charlie’s Angels clip for you guys.
On the group date they go sand surfing and Brad is jealous of everyone, which is right on schedule for the guy who got the first one-on-one date ten billion years ago. Also I just realized his name is actually Derek, not Brad.
Derek gets the group date rose because he needs reassurance and it does NOT sit well with Alex. Alex is all pissed off and I want to tell Alex to get a fucking life. Also, let me take a moment to say I think I would be great on this show. I would never win, but I could totally be the “funny” girl in the house who gets kicked off six weeks in. I’d lose in love but I’d gain lifelong girlfriends. It’s honestly a sisterhood.
ANYWHO Robby gets the last one-on-one and things seem to be going pretty well.
Ha! I’m kidding, that’s not Robby! That’s a dog.
They go cliff diving and Robby looks like an 80s Ken doll from hell.
He loves her. Okay? He loves her. So he says it! Except now my boyfriend, who has been absolutely SILENT up until this point goes, “Little early, huh?” Yip.
Before the cocktail party Derek thinks some of the guys have a clique and he would like to tell them that they have a clique. It is very lame of him.
Also Grant next to this candelabra in his vest thing looks exactly like he is playing the part of Lumiére in the Broadway revival of Beauty and the Beast and someone wanted to interview him sitting next to his costume:
Chris Harrison lets these noodles know that there won’t be a cocktail party tonight, they’re headed straight to the rose ceremony and THREE people are leaving. I vote Grant, Evan, and Vinny. Jojo agrees with me.
Evan is sad. Vinny is sad. Everyone is sad.
Next week we’re in Buenos Aires, and Jojo is in some sort of AMAZING BLUE DRESS. Stay tuned.
Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here.
You can also be a GEM and follow me on Twitter.
PS: what the fuck was going on with Alex’s hair here???????
Is there anything more magical than unpredictable rage on national television? (Being surrounded by puppies who were rescued from a fire, duh.)
Let’s jump right into this pool party. Papa Chris Harrison forces Chad to apologize and he is not great at it. He knows it’s a piss poor effort, but he keeps it movin’ and drinks the most strange colored green juice on the planet. It might be straight Chlorophyll.
Everybody has a great time humping inflatable flamingos and I’m just praying to god they’re all wearing sunblock because you know what’s scarier than Chad? SKIN CANCER.
Speaking of skin, Jojo must have told the producers that she’s attracted to gigantic, horrible tattoos. Every fucking guy in this house is PROUDLY rocking one.
They all jump in the pool and Evan’s nose immediately starts bleeding, which is exactly what I would expect from him. I bet he’s also allergic to peanuts.
Chad wants to talk to Derek, who is a pretty big dude to be so scared of Chad. Every time they cut to Derek he is bitching about how terrified he is.
Chad is fucking pissed as shit at everybody and basically says KEEP MY NAME OUTCHA MOUTH. He is in a sour ass mood about it but I’d love for him to take a moment and appreciate his surroundings. He is battling unrestrained rage in the most beautiful, picturesque room ever.
At the rose ceremony the only thought I have is SLAY, JOJO, SLAY. This fucking crop top number is WORK-ING. I think I’m going to stop eating (after lunch).
All the dudes are stressing the fuck out about the possibility of Chad getting a rose and they go on and on about how “there are good guys here.” Yeah, good guys she has no interest in boning, ya dorks. Who gives a flying fuck if Nick’s a good guy, he showed up day one in a full on Santa Suit. He’s got. To go.
Alex gets a rose before Chad and he suddenly shoots to the tippity top of Chad’s Kill List.
We’re down to the final rose, and we all know Chad’s getting it. As he does, I laugh to myself while remembering Evan’s dumb ultimatum. He just immediately caved. GO HOME, EVAN. YOU PROMISED.
Jojo tells the remaining guys to pack their bags! Are they going to Morocco? Turks and Caicos??
Pennsylvania. Neat. Alex is excited about it, and I hope someone packed him a bologna sandwich and his footie pajamas.
I mean fuck, Alex. I get that you’re short but you have to at least ACT like a god damn man. You know who I don’t want to marry? The guy who gets to a beautiful suite at a nice resort and immediately slides down the banister. Not sexy.
Luke gets the one-on-one and they go dog sledding. In my head I have already named all of the dogs: Benjamin, Donald, Ricardo, Sasha, Melissa, Trevor, Jacqueline, and Ray.
Now they get into a hot tub in the middle of the forest. I’m worried they’re going to get skeeter bites out there but that’s just me, constantly ruining the vibe. BTW, Luke is looking FINE AS HELL. I don’t know what it is about that quiet motherfucker but he is smokin’ hot.
I mean, that is ideal.
They get to talking and it’s clear as day that war veteran Luke has seen some shit. Like, some real scary shit. Jojo wants to find out more and I wanna be like girl, I don’t know if you do! Once you open Pandora’s box I hear it’s fucking hard to close.
Back at the hotel everyone talks about the possibility of a 2-on-1 date and Alex goes, “I’m not about that life.” I literally hate Alex more than I hate Chad. Science fact: if you use the phrase “not about that life” with 100% seriousness there is a 0% chance you will be welcome in my bed.
In sexy steamy love land, Luke explains that he used to be a lieutenant in Afghanistan and his best friend was killed in the line of duty. What did I tell you? Seen. Some Shit. Jojo is all over him like me on cupcakes:
Girl is IN. You know what Luke would never do? Slide down a banister. After dinner she surprises him with ANOTHER private country concert, and when I say private I mean not private.
It’s actually fucking adorable and if I had drank even one glass of wine tonight I would be sobbing hysterically right now. Guys. They’re like, in love already.
On the group date they go to a football field and meet Ben Roethlisberger (took me over five minutes to spell that right). They do some drills, Aaron Roger’s brother is jizzing his pants at the mere thought of the ol’ pigskin, and things start to get competitive.
Suddenly James T. is crying blood. Dude got hit in the face and needs stitches.
Because everyone in the world is on this group date, the only people left to hang back are Luke, Alex and Chad. Chad explains the logic behind his aggression and how if someone doesn’t stop talking, “the only way I can get you to shut your mouth is to hit you.” Here is Luke’s reaction to that sentence:
Somebody should pass that info along to Jojo so that one day she doesn’t go rambling on about her Sephora haul and suddenly finds herself with a fat lip. Which to be honest, might give her more surface area for the lipstick she got from Sephora!!
Back on the field, Evan feels dangerous.
LOL. While Aaron Roger’s brother was “dropping dimes out there” (gag) Evan gets his SECOND nosebleed of the week. Is he an aggressive nose picker, what’s the deal? The blue team wins in overtime and gets more time with her.
At the cocktail party Aaron Roger’s brother is afraid to open up to her, but then he does. Great storyline, guys. A real page turner. He tells her he’s falling for her and subsequently gets the rose.
And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for, the 2-on-1. Before they go, Chad asks who has a problem with him and they all raise their hands. Chad calls Alex a whiny little bitch and asks him if he wants to go outside. Then GRANT calls CHAD a coward, and Chad asks GRANT if he wants to go outside. Chad sure does invite a lot of people outside. I mean look, maybe he just loves the outdoors and wants to play a round of corn hole.
Apparently I’m wrong, because the next thing I know Chad walks up to Aaron Roger’s brother and goes, “You think this is a show? You’re safe for now, but one day this ends. When this ends, you go home. When you go home, you think I can’t find you?” I am screaming at my TV. Literally screaming.
Meanwhile Alex gets ready for the date by putting on what I assume are his lucky USA socks.
So many nopes with Alex. All of the nopes. Also, observation: 99% of The Bachelorette is just dudes sitting closer to each other than they’re comfortable with.
Wells says that there is terror surrounding this date and right he is! Alex and Chad immediately get into a helicopter and I’ll tell ya right now there is no way in hell I would get into a helicopter with Chad. I am honestly SHOCKED he didn’t shove Alex out of it.
They meet Jojo in the woods and go on a hike. Of course right away the Bachelor producers give Chad a machete and Alex a hatchet, just to make things interesting.
This date is awkward. They sit on a blanket and Chad talks about floating down rivers.
Jojo chats with Alex, who obviously rats Chad out immediately. Although I fucking hate Alex, he is a genius for telling Jojo that her beloved Aaron Roger’s brother was threatened.
Jojo asks Chad if he threatened Aaron Roger’s brother and he goes, “I mean, it’s…” which is never a good way to start an answer. He doesn’t know what to tell you, Jojo! He may have said something to that effect but they were all PUSHING, PUSHING. Jojo is basically like what the actual fuck are you talking about.
Chad whistles as he walks back towards Alex, which is exactly what a serial killer does before chopping someone into a million pieces.
The two of them are now in the most asinine conversation I have ever heard in my life. Chad goes, “Life ain’t all about blueberries and paper airplanes,” and then suddenly they’re arguing about milk. Once I finally get a grasp on the milk convo, they’ve moved on to Alex saying, “Hay’s in the barn” and Chad replying with, “Pigs are in the castle.”
Am I watching Drinking Out Of Cups or something? Did they eat shrooms off camera on this fucking hike?? What the shit is going on.
Alex gets the rose because obviously Chad is going to murder everyone in the house if he stays. Personally, I’d like to see both of these fools leave. Chad peaces out and walks through the woods in complete darkness.
News travels back to the house about Chad’s departure and wow, dez boyz are CELEBRATING. They toastin’, they party poppin’, they drankin’.
It feels like the episode is about to end on the ultimate high note of an 80s-style freeze frame, but suddenly CHAD IS KNOCKING ON THE FUCKING DOOR. I am freaking out right now and am positive that I will have nightmares for the rest of the week.
Thankfully The Bachelorette would never end on such a chilling moment, because they actually leave us with Canadian Daniel attempting to mount Evan.
Tune in in TWO WEEKS (all of the sads) to see what the FUCK Chad is doing at the front door. I may be going out on a limb here, but I think he came back to get his phone charger. No? Hm.
Read Monday night’s recap here. Or the rest of them here.
Follow me on Twitter, but only if you want to.
Welp, night one of two started like any days-long rager: sloppy and full of regret!
Everybody is in a MOOD that Chad’s still here, except the villain himself, who gleefully counts calories and scoops protein powder like his life depends on it (maybe it does, I’m no physician).
Some rando named Chase gets the first one-on-one and they go to a yoga studio where they are immediately asked how long they’ve been intimate for. Bleh, cringe. They learn how to ANGER-GASM, which sounds an awful lot like what happens when you have sex with your ex-boyfriend.
Meanwhile Chad and Canadian Daniel are slowly turning the Bachelor Mansion into a god damn Equinox.
Look at these fools! Guys you’re like, sweating all over some very nice ottomans.
Chase gets a rose, and it’s time for the classic Bachelor Private Country Concert With A Singer I’ve Never Heard Of. Where the fuck is Rihanna when you need her?! I’m not making out with anybody unless Bitch Better Have My Money is blasting through the speakers.
The rest of the boyz get a group date card that reads like Schindler’s List. There are like, a thousand names on it and Chad’s pouty ass doesn’t want to go. He doesn’t feel like going on a date with 12 other wangs, okay? Everyone is VERY, DEEPLY offended by this and are not afraid to let him know. (They should be afraid.)
Chad CLAPS BACK by telling Aaron Roger’s brother that he is a 27-year-old failed football player, which is GREAT and completely accurate. He then asks the entire group if they want to fight him before ABC gracefully cuts to a Bachelor-themed Reddi-Whip commercial. Am I more stoned than I realized? None of this is making sense.
On the group date they walk into a theater where a woman is on stage faking an orgasm. They are all horrified.
Vinny “has no idea what she’s doing” and has “never heard anything like that” which does NOT bode well for him.
Turns out they’re going to tell funny sex stories to the audience. Instead of writing his, Canadian Daniel is hard at work on his stick drawing:
Apparently he is illiterate.
In a SHOCKING turn of events, Chad is not being a good sport about the sex story thing. He doesn’t want to talk about his sex life, I assume because he is absolute garbage at it.
Daniel’s up and goes, “She’s tied up at this point… I always carry a knife on me when I’m traveling… Let me chop a piece of her hair off.” GREAT FUCKING STORY, YOU MANIAC. Jesus Christ. If there was a trap door at his feet I am positive Jojo would press a button that’d make him fall into a secret pit and get eaten by a two-headed dragon. (“Wow, what a fun and colorful visual!” -You guys, to me)
Evan plans to make fun of Chad during his sex story, which to me means they boned at the mansion and Evan is about to spill the TEA on Chad’s performance issues. Turns out I’m wrong, and instead he tells the whole audience that Chad does steroids.
I am, at this point, scared for Evan’s life. Chad promptly rips Evan’s shirt when he goes to sit down and Evan is SHOCKED! I am the complete opposite of shocked.
It’s Chad’s turn and he says some bullshit about how the past isn’t important, it’s about the future. He tries to kiss Jojo and gets fucking REJECTED, which is hilarious and beautiful. Did I mention he gets booed? He gets booed.
Backstage he punches the absolute fuck out of a metal door and tells Evan that he’s going to die and you know what? I believe him. Evan is suddenly a HUGE PUSSY and is all like “Hey man, it was all in good fun” even though it was NOT in good fun.
At the cocktail party Chad explains to Jojo that he wasn’t at all mad about the steroids (HA). He was just mad at Evan for walking past him! Ah, yes. It’s all coming together now.
Evan continues to play with fire by puffing up his chest and asking Chad why he’s here. Like a flaccid dick tryna get up in them guts, Evan keeps pushing and pushing.
Evan then gives Jojo an ultimatum. He can’t be in the house with Chad, so either he’s going or Chad’s going. UGH, get a life, Evan!! She gives him a rose and I hear myself say, “Ew” without even realizing it.
She puts the rose in the middle of his fucking shirt and it makes him look like a loser.
“Not on my super cool leather jacket!!” -Evan, trying to win Jojo’s heart.
Chad sees the rose and is like, “Is this real? Is this the real scenario?” I am dying. Dead. Bury me underground. Also is this cocktail party in a terra cotta pottery store?
They’ve now hired a security guard to watch Chad because shit could pop off at ANY. SECOND. Apparently they’ve also secured his perimeter with the handles of all of their suitcases.
James T. gets the last one-on-one date and they learn how to swing dance. Highlights include James shouting, “Smooth!” every five seconds and a woman in her 90s talking about the good ol’ days. It’s all very G-rated and I’m gettin’ the yawns.
Meanwhile Chad eats a sweet potato like a banana and talks to Canadian Daniel.
Daniel tries to explain that Chad is the Hitler of the house, and basically Daniel can’t hang around him any more because then the other guys won’t like him. Chad pretends to listen while continuing to eat his farmer’s market finds.
On James’ date, Jojo is trying to decide if there is romantic chemistry between them, aka does she want to fuck him. He sings to her and she cries AGAIN. James is like, constantly making her cry. He gets a rose.
The next day Chris Harrison and his pink linen show up to explain DUN DUN DUNNNN there will be no cocktail party tonight, and instead Jojo is coming over for a pool party.
They’re all immediately drooling at the thought of her in a bikini except Chad, who obviously doesn’t need to see her in a bikini because, “I know what she probably looks like, I can tell through her dress.” Hey when you’re right, you’re right.
Now I’m pumped, because the pool party is what makes this a dramatic, two-part event.™
Chad wants to rip everybody’s limbs off so I assume that tonight he will, ya know, rip everybody’s limbs off? Here’s to hoping!!
Read last week’s recap here.
Or other show recaps here.
You can also follow me on Twitter!! Isn’t that cool?!
who is sam jarvis 