Guys, as much as I’ve loved providing you with the absolute HIGHLIGHT OF YOUR WEEK with these insane ramblings, I’m sort of ready to get back to my regular life. (“But you don’t have a life…” –Everyone I know)
We launch into paradise with the morning after the fantasy suites, when everybody is sexed to all hell and hopped up on mimosas and fear about the future.
Here I sit, patiently waiting for a new episode with my arms folded neatly in my lap, wondering if Nick and Jen will go the distance even though I already know they don’t. Or if Josh and Amanda’s love can transition out of paradise, even though they’re on the cover of Us Weekly gabbing about how they’re living together now. SIGH. Are there no surprises anymore, guys?? Part of me is also like, remember Chad?
The most exciting thing going on in paradise right now is that apparently Nick got a care package from ol’ Robby that included a pair of Robby’s insane swim trunks.
I want you guys to know that I’m at my parents house this week, and instead of spending precious time with the people who birthed and raised and supported me, here I sit on the living room floor drinking rosé and watching what appears to be week 40 million of this thing. That’s how much I love you guys. (And this entire beautiful franchise.)
Like every episode this season, we left off with Ashley crying about Jared.
We are now at the point in the season when there are too many people in paradise, so the opening credits go on FOREVER and it’s like guys, tonight’s episode is only an hour and I’m pretty sure you burned up at least twelve minutes showing who’s all here. Just get to the good shit and we’ll figure it out!!
So Izzy’s having doubts about Vinny, and also wants to go to pound town with Brett. She talks with Vinny about all of this and dude is heart. broken. He was falling for this girl and she’s throwing it away on somebody’s looks! Vinny cries, Vinny leaves.
Let me start off by saying I was recently corrected on some of my Bachelor shit, so it’s time for me to publicly apologize. Apparently Nick’s hot piece is JEN, not JENNA. No idea why I went fucking rogue as shit and added letters but maybe part of my subconscious wanted to make her a TINY BIT more interesting. Anyway sorry JEN.
We left off in paradise at a pre-rose cocktail party, where Ashley is sobbing her eyeballs out.
Real talk, when I came home last night from a long ass hair appointment all I wanted in the whole wide world was to watch this shit. And because there is no God, my DVR only recorded TWO MINUTES of CHOPPY ASS footage. Le sigh. I tell you kind souls this because I was forced to watch it on Hulu this morning and my screenshot game has been seriously compromised. So if you’re reading this going, “Ugh, Sam, not your best” know that I KNOW THAT ALREADY so kindly fuck off. Now! Where were we?!
Do they provide SPF in paradise, or are all of these people going to look 90 when they’re 42? (“Hi Grandma!” “I’m not your grandma, I’m your mom.”)
We left off with Evan standing on a cliff’s edge, trying to be talked down by a suicide negotiator. Okay technically he was on his way to pull Amanda away from Josh, but those two activities are sort of one in the same to me.
I know you guys SAY the Olympics are cool, but if Chris Harrison isn’t hosting them I’m really not interested. (“What an incredible journey… of swimming laps in a pool.” –Chris at the Olympics)
We kick things off with a few new cast intros, which include Lace in all her elegance.
Meanwhile Chad’s in what I like to call the See Ya Never Van, drinking like a god damn fish while everybody else sits in the sand talking about that time he said he was going to murder everyone’s family.
Look I’m going to be honest, by the time I pressed play on my DVR I was already a little emotionally Bachelor-ed out this week. But the second they rolled out their campy-ass intros I suddenly felt… Excited. Alive. Fucking PUMPED, for some fucking PARADISE.
Chris Harrison starts us off with some really weird poetic analogies about how “the sea is as salty as the tears of the broken hearted” and I’m immediately 100% sold on this entire season.
Also, the twins are here!
Lovely. Since we last saw everybody Jubilee has learned that she has resting bitch face (great call), Nick has nicknamed himself “The Runner Up,” and most importantly Evan kept THE SHIRT.
He buys a new one, and my boyfriend laughs out loud when Evan asks to try on a medium.
Back in Mexico, Canadian Daniel compares himself to herpes, because why the fuck not. Every single thing that comes out of his mouth is a catch phrase that should be printed on a mug. He loves rating girls AND comparing them to fruits, which in my mind means he has a very specific ranking system for his produce (Apples are 4’s, Kiwis are 9’s).
He talks to one of the twins and the other twin’s only commentary on the matter is, “Oh God, he’s high-fiving her,” which should honestly be the name of a self-help book on dating.
Daniel over-guesses Izzy’s age (“Who?” –All of us), and she doesn’t take it well, but I’m too entranced by how badly Jubilee wants to fuck Jared to give a shit. I am not personally on the Jared train, but Jubilee is tryna get all up in them guts.
A parrot suddenly warns us of danger!! Which means Chad is en route. Like, somebody in a writer’s room actually sat there and was like, “We will simulate an earthquake and/or a Godzilla encounter by showing close-ups of water glasses shaking, a parrot will give a distress call, and then Chad will walk into Paradise.” And other people in that room were like, “Great! Yes. Good.”
Anyway so Chad arrives and Evan immediately starts rifling through Chad’s luggage, because Evan has an actual death wish and has put no value on his life.
Chad and Lace hit it off for I assume the same reason that the polar ice caps are melting, which is that there is no God and this whole world is just one big blob of fuckery.
The problem is they’re making out a lot but are also like, hitting each other? They’ve drank too much, guys. TOO MUCH.
They keep slapping each other and calling each other like dogs, I think because they’re both trying to establish some sort of shit-faced dominance in their 12-minute long relationship and I just don’t see this working out long term.
Jubilee asks Jared to go on a piñata date, and I am so jealous because this is TOTALLY a place where I would thrive. They don’t call me Sam “Candy Whore” Jarvis for nothing.
But suddenly a clown is lurking behind the piñatas and Jubilee and I both are like OH HELL NO.
Like, I am fucking OUT. I’m out, Jubilee’s out, we’re both OUT. It’s also worth mentioning that Jared immediately runs away, making ZERO attempt to save her. Man up, Jared! You’re busted.
Back on the beach Izzy and Vinny are in love, and I have officially decided that if I were on Bachelor in Paradise I would immediately make friends with whatever group of people was just sitting together eating Mexican food.
Lace and Chad are a complete fucking disaster at this point, and Canadian Daniel is making a last-ditch effort to help a brother out. He’s like Chad, people are scared and you need to stop talking about murder and rape! I mean, that is just sound advice.
Everybody fucking HATES Chad now and Sarah didn’t come to paradise to deal with aggressive, drunk, abusive jerks, okay? Chad immediately calls her a “one-armed bitch” and I am screaming. Somebody shove an adrenaline needle into my sternum, I think my heart has stopped. Emily (maybe Haley??) agrees with me:
Chad tells Daniel to stop being so murder-y because Chad is OBSESSED with the word murder. He’s like a small child who has just learned the word for his genitals and incessantly runs up and down the grocery aisle shouting, “Penis! Penis! I have a penis!” That is how into the word murder Chad is.
Finally, The Chad Bear hibernates in the sand and a crab crawls under his head.
But the story of the morning is about how Chad allegedly POOPED HIS PANTS in his sleep.
Did he just smell his shorts for poop?? No. NO. I can’t.
Dude, you pooped your fucking pants. And not because you ate Indian food and got stuck in traffic. You drank too much and SHIT YOURSELF. I cannot and WILL NOT get over this.
Here’s how everyone else feels about him, summed up in one photo:
Chris Harrison calls everyone to the rose palapa, which sounds like a magical place I would love to visit. And because I haven’t done a Bachelor in Paradise recap in almost a year, I will remind everyone that a palapa is what those little beach hut things are called from the Corona commercials. See, it’s fun to learn!
So Chris gets them to gather ‘round, and I’m pretty sure the first words out of his mouth are going to be, “Chad, you shit your pants last night.” But he doesn’t say that (even though I know he’s thinking it) and instead is like, “Chad, you told all of the staff at this hotel to suck a dick.”
Chad is like nah I didn’t! And Chris is like yah bra, you did. Then you shit yourself. Chad cannot comprehend that he is being kicked out of paradise, and now wants to fight Chris Harrison. It’s the silliest thing I have ever witnessed.
Chris Harrison is a multi-millionaire and a TRUE GENTLEMAN and Chad if you lay a finger on him that motherfucker is going to sue you so fast you’ll shit your pants, again.
So Chads gone, but I guess not really because he comes back next week. The main thing to take away from, “This season, on Bachelor in Paradise…” is that this fucking show is going to be on TWICE A WEEK. Is it two hours twice a week? Jesus Christ, guys. I have a LIFE TO LIVE. I watch OTHER SHOWS. I can’t do four hours of this mess every week!! Sigh.
Read my Bachelorette finale recap here. Or other ones here.
I also write things on Twitter.
For the record I was going to title this recap, “FUCK YOU, CHRIS HARRISON” but I think I’ll just get it written on a cake instead. Seems more festive.
who is sam jarvis 