The Bachelorette Recap: “Why Am I Crying?”

wells jojo date bachelorette

Do you ever lie in bed and think man, I miss Chad. And Evan. And Grant. And Vinny. And even Canadian Daniel. No? K. Me neither.

We’re in Buenos Aires, and traveling is one of the funnest things for Jojo. Yes she says funnest and yes, I die a little inside. I want to believe she’s smart and she is absolutely ruining it.

Wells gets the one-on-one date and everybody seems really happy for him, until he says he and Jojo haven’t kissed yet and they all cock their heads to the side like dogs who just heard your weird cousin blow into his Weenie Whistle. They’re like HUH??

wells happy bachelorette

He gets ready for his date and proudly shows off his matching leather jacket and duffel, which he obviously bought as a set.

wells leather jacket bachelorette

Luke immediately asks Jojo and Wells if they’re going to kiss today. That Luke I tell ya, he low key stirs the pot. Just sneaks into the kitchen like a 6’ foot tall bowlegged Keebler elf and gives the wooden spoon a few turns.

The boys cannot stop talking about Wells and this kiss. One of them even says, “If it’s not the best kiss he’s ever given, he might be going home.” I am giving my television more side-eye than the strange toys Wells and Jojo play with on their date.

bachelorette side eye

They go to some sort of performance art place, where betches dance in a suspended pool made out of clear tarp and I’m starting to have flashbacks of the first time I ate mushrooms. It’s a kaleidoscope of terror.

water dancers

Meanwhile the rest of the dudes just chill in a sitting area like FUCKING LOSERS. Do a puzzle or something, guys! Don’t just mingle way too close to each other in fancy chairs.

sitting.JPG

Wells and Jojo finally kiss, because LOOK AT JOJO’S BODY. You can’t not kiss that body.

jojo body bachelorette

After they kiss he immediately says, “You and I are probably different people,” which I know is the beginning of the end for ol’ Wells. At dinner she asks about his ex and he doesn’t really want to talk about it. LADIES, a PSA: any time a guy is weird about talking about their ex, you should be worried. It is NOT a good sign.

Jojo can’t give Wells the rose. Technically she CAN, but she says she can’t. This show is complicated, you know?

She cries, because girl is starting to realize that she is gonna have to dump a SHIT TON of dudes and it turns out dumping people is like, not that fun.

jojo crying bachelorette

Back at the hotel the guys seem SHOCKED that Wells doesn’t come back. Look at these nerds:

alex facejordan facerobby face

A bunch of guys get the group date card, leaving Chase and Derek for the epic SECOND 2-on-1 of the season. They’re both pissed about it but I’m sitting on my couch with a belly full of seafood ready to get this shit poppin’.

On the group date somebody makes Alex stand the furthest away from the camera, which is not doing him any favors.

boys lines up bachelorette

They play a very-arranged pickup game of soccer with some locals, and James T. is just in awe of how perfect all these dudes are. Four perfect dudes and goofy ass James T.

The main thing to take from this is that the cinematographers at ABC may have worked on the Lord of the Rings movies, because they are doing some forced-perspective camera work that rivals hobbits eating at a table any day. Look how small these people look! It’s madness!

forced perspective bachelorette

Reminds me of the time Natalie and I posed for this beautiful photo:

forced perspective warner brothers

BUT I DIGRESS. Anyway is Jojo having the best day ever? I don’t know, you tell me.

jojo group date

At the cocktail party Luke and Jojo talk, and by talk I mean they make out like god damn crazy. It is fucking PASSIONATE. He’s pulling on her hair, she’s got her hand in his crotch.

jojo luke sexy bachelorettejojo hand in crotch luke

I’m uncomfortable watching and I’m pretty sure my boyfriend has a boner.

During his time, James T. talks shit about Aaron Roger’s brother and it’s got Jojo all sorts of concerned, because James is her little Labrador puppy who would never in a million years lie to her and just wants to be her best friend forever. Also he’d like some wet food, if you’ve got it.

She and James T. kiss and now I’m wondering how much making out she has to do with people she doesn’t like. What if you were on this show and had to just like, make out with whoever leaned into your face. Ugh.

Anyway Aaron Roger’s brother is like, fucking PISSED at James. He comes back from talking to Jojo and just sits and swirls his white wine in complete silence like a mental patient with a big secret. He is SWIRLING IT WITH PURPOSE.

jordan swirling winewhite wine jordan rogers bachelorette

Everybody’s basically like are you having a seizure, bro? What is happening? He does NOT like that James said he was acting entitled. He doesn’t even know what entitled means, okay? He honestly doesn’t and he keeps asking what entitled looks like, what entitled means. Somebody get this motherfucker a pocket dictionary.

Luke gets the rose because although she had to make out with James and listen to Aaron Roger’s brother word vomit the most bullshit string of sentences ever, girl is all about dat cowboy. When you wanna fuck someone, you wanna fuck someone, ya know? It’s just science.

On the 2-on-1 date Chase, Derek and Jojo learn how to salsa dance. My question is, why are they constantly painting in Jojo’s bikini bottoms when side vag is totally fine to air?

salsa dancer crotch

I mean, WOW. Wow.

Anyway Derek thinks their love is starting and I hear myself say, “Nooo it’s not,” as I shovel greek yogurt into my mouth. They dance, it’s awkward, and I’m starting to realize that Derek looks like a cartoon character.

derek bachelorette cartoon

He talks to her after dinner and guys, he is SO freakin’ lucky to be sitting there with her. He likes her so freakin’ much. Who would’ve thought a freakin’ guy like Derek would get the chance to freakin’ date a girl like freakin’ JOJO. If Derek doesn’t stop saying the word freakin’ I’m going to make Chad find out where he lives and pay him a visit. He has the ability to do that, guys. When this show ends…

Now Jojo talks to Chase, which is very similar to talking to a wall. A beige, boring ass wall. She doesn’t think he likes her and he responds with, “Oh.” He keeps saying he’s starting to have feelings for her and it’s like bro, Robby is already IN LOVE with this bitch. You’re BEHIND.

Chase gets the rose because if he didn’t it would have to go to Derek, and Derek is muy triste about it. So sad in fact, that he’s now referring to himself in the third person by saying, “Derek is imperfect.” It sounds to me like Derek is actually a robot and once he’s done crying he’s going to mumble, “Power off Derek,” as the light dims in his eyes.

derek sad

ALSO while he sits there and sobs an opera singer performs Don’t Cry For Me Argentina (that country has one song, apparently) and it is SO CRAZY. They keep cutting from Derek to this woman singing and I honestly don’t know how to describe it. My brow is furrowed and my mouth is wide open for what feels like several minutes.

At the final cocktail party before the rose ceremony (so many phrases in The Bachelor world), Jojo looks like a god damn J’Adore ad.

jojo blue dress bachelorette

She and Aaron Roger’s brother get their shit back on track, and Alex feels unimportant but still forces her to make out with him. He is honestly swimming in his clothes. He looks like the kid in Big when he walks home and his clothes keep getting baggier and baggier because he is turning back into a child.

alex short

It’s time for her to give out roses and I hear her and I say, in unison, “Robby,” followed by “Jordan.” (Question: Do I have psychic powers? Answer: No, psychic powers are not real.)

My prediction is that James T. will get the final rose because although she does not want to have sex with him, she really doesn’t want to have sex with Alex. Except she CAN’T give out the final rose, she literally can’t even. So she gives it to Chris Harrison and they live happily ever after.

jojo rose

Okay maybe they don’t. Plot twist! Now she has two roses. Man, does this show know how to throw a curveball or WHAT. Alex and James T. both get roses because she thinks she might want to marry both of them. See what I did there? Sarcasm.

james t happy rose

We leave on Alex’s salty ass rant about how he isn’t special and he wants to feel wanted. Honey, just take the free trip around the world, okay? ENJOY. IT.

Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here

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PS: What is going on with Alex’s hair this time?? TENDRILS?! Jesus Christ.

alex whispy hair

But WAIT! There’s MORE!! Bonus recap from one of my best friends:

luke is a vampire

There you have it, folks! See ya next week.

The Bachelorette Premiere: “Bring On The Men”

saint nick christmas bachelorette

Guys I’m going to be honest with you IT FEELS GOOD TO BE BACK. Not as good as like, eating a chocolate lava cake, but still pretty lovely.

We kick off this season of debauchery with a friendly reminder that Ben took Jojo’s heart, put it on a pedestal, took it OFF that pedestal, and then stomped on it. He smashed that shit into a million pieces like it was a glass at a Jewish wedding. Mazel tov!

It is super fun to relive how Ben told her he loved her, looked her dead in the eyes and said, “I promise you won’t be blindsided,” only to blindside the FUCK out of her ass. But now she’s feeling better and most importantly HOPEFUL, even though I feel like the only thing she should be feeling is hungry since she definitely hasn’t eaten since January.

jojo bachelorette body

Great bod though. Great bod. She gets advice from basic bitches AHEM I mean FORMER BACHELORETTES Desiree, Ali, and Kaitlyn. Look I liked Kaitlyn, I really did, but seeing her sit next to Jojo makes me feel like somebody should just pull Jojo aside and be like girl, you don’t need advice from 7s. (Hey man, it is what it is.)

But you know what I’m ready to see? Some dudes. Chris Harrison’s ready to see some dick too, as evident by his classic Chris Harrison gesticulations.

chris harrison bachelorette premiere

First up is firefighter Grant, and my immediate thought is oh my God, I hope these guys don’t all have professions that double as Chippendales characters. I’m sure Grant is very nice but he is being a little aggressive with his sexy pose and it’s making me uncomfortable.

grant fire fighter bachelorette

Next up is Aaron Roger’s brother, who I will now and forever refer to as Aaron Roger’s Brother. Dude’s foyne, I’ll give him that. The hair is too SWISHED for me but at least he’s in Jojo’s league. We also meet a short marine and I can barely pay attention because honestly I am so fucking distracted by THIS AWESOME ASS DOG.

dog alex bachelorette

Like, holy shit, that dog is amazing. Is it his dog? Is its name Velcro? I need more information.

We meet a superfan whose face looks like it’s made out of clay and it’s like, Bachelor superfan is not a job, James S. from Phoenix, Arizona.

bachelor super fan james bachelorette

There’s also a dick doctor, a bartender from Santa Monica, and some guy who wakes up at 3:30 in the fucking morning to work out. Um, no thank you. Unless you have the body and philanthropic kindness of The Rock, I am not into that shit. The last thing I need is to feel like a lazy asshole for waking up at 8:30 on a Saturday. That is an ACCOMPLISHMENT and nobody can take that away from me. NOBODY.

Anyway so it’s time for these dudez to get out of some mothafuckin limos, AMIRIGHT? As each one gets out and greets her my friend Jordan and I nestle into the couch to discuss which ones look tall. There are of course gimmicks and awkward moments, including one guy who “drops” his notecards, which does nothing but points out how soaking wet the Bachelor producers keep the pavement outside of the mansion.

wet pavement

I get that it looks magical but it’s like guys, c’mon. We are in a fucking drought out here and you’re hosing off the pavement so the moon will glisten off it? Leo DiCaprio’s environmental ass would NOT BE PLEASED!

We’re now moving into looney tunes territory as we meet a half Scottish dude in a kilt, somebody in a full on Santa suit, and a guy who looks like a Bar Mitzvah magician and thinks being Canadian is somehow a job.

daniel canadian bachelorette

You can thank my couchmate Jordan for the Bar Mitzvah joke.

Guys, I’m gonna be straight with you. The only thing that’s attractive is when they come out of the limo in a nice fucking suit. Don’t give me stress balls and tell me to squeeze them, don’t wear weird pocket squares and a tie with a knot that is way too wide. A NICE SUIT, and I swear to God I will think about fucking you. That’s all it takes.

As we meet all these weirdos, it’s suddenly clear we’ve got a villain on our hands. Chad, Chad, Chad, you salty motherfucker. He is hating on everybody and thinks he is seriously hot shit which is funny because he seems more like room temperature shit to me. Gooey, room temperature dog shit. Anyway here’s how Jojo’s doing:

jojo wine bottle chug

At the cocktail party she wishes they weren’t all so nervous and it’s like bitch, they’ve been waiting months for this and now there are fifty billion cameras in their face AND your giant amazing boob job. I’m sure it’s slightly overwhelming.

One of the guys makes her kiss him by playing a dumb fucking paper child’s game and the first thing out of her mouth after they kiss is, “Maybe that will get better.” Off to a great start, dude! Something to write home about.

Aaron Roger’s Brother decides that like Ray Finkle before him, dude fuckin choked and should maybe go back and kiss her. She is VERY into it because 1) he has a nice butt and 2) because I’m 100% positive producers told her long ago that he is related to a famous person and she has already picked out their china pattern.

jojo jordan rogers kiss bachelorette

Villain Chad whisks her away to talk and immediately says, “Normally girls are so worried about themselves” and it’s like BRO, eat a dick. If some guy wanted to date me and his opening line was “girls have no self esteem” I’d probably be like cool story, I’m going to go home and order pizza like the badass bitch I am.

Canadian Daniel tries to explain the Damn, Daniel meme to Jojo and it is what the internet trolls would call an epic fail. He then touches another man’s belly button and everybody hates him and makes fun of his short ass tie, which now that you mention it does make me giggle.

And now, the parade of the drunks. Daniel takes his clothes off and random dudes start sitting in on Jojo’s one-on-one interviews with the producers. It is, in a word, crazytown.

daniel canadian naked
drunk guy jojo bachelorette

Aaron Roger’s Brother gets the first impression rose even though she’s also drooling over every guy from Texas. But wait, another limo!! I am freaking the fuck out, 100% positive J.J. from Bachelor In Paradise is about to walk out of that fancy super long car.

surprise limo bachelorette

Turns out it’s Jake Pavelka, former Bachelor/boring person not to be confused with Jessie Pavelka, trainer/bad Chinese symbol tattoo-haver of Biggest Loser. Anyway Jake gives her advice like “don’t put up walls” and all I keep thinking over and over is oh my God, you are a loser.

She starts giving out roses and it’s like, so many god damn roses. They keep cutting away as she puts them on their lapels because you know it’s taking her ten thousand years to pin each one on these fools. Vinny hasn’t gotten one yet and is NOT THRILLED.

vinny bachelorette angry face

You know who IS thrilled to get one? The dick doctor. Look at this goofy ass grin:

got a rose happy

The final rose goes to crazy Canadian Daniel because the producers were like girl, you HAVE TO give him a rose. That is obviously the only explanation. The rest of them go home and are experiencing all the sads, although I think going out to a nice breakfast together would cheer them up since it is literally so fucking light outside that they have probably already missed the early bird special at Denny’s. It’s like 9 o’clock in the morning at this point.

light out bachelorette

We get a sneak peak of the rest of the season and shit is about to POP. OFF. Chad the Villain is like, actually punching people and threatening their lives while Aaron Roger’s Brother is pressing Jojo up against walls to make out with her. Seems like one way or another, errbody’s going to Poundtown.

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