Let me start off by saying I was recently corrected on some of my Bachelor shit, so it’s time for me to publicly apologize. Apparently Nick’s hot piece is JEN, not JENNA. No idea why I went fucking rogue as shit and added letters but maybe part of my subconscious wanted to make her a TINY BIT more interesting. Anyway sorry JEN.

We left off in paradise at a pre-rose cocktail party, where Ashley is sobbing her eyeballs out.

Jared is fucking mad at her because she’s wrecking his fairy tale romance with creepy ass Caila. Ashley explains that girl can’t help how she feels, okay? Every time he walks out of a room she misses him! Like, what can you do about that??

On a different beach bed, Daniel is having a blast because it’s his turn to give out a rose this week. Soak it in, Dan, this is the last time chicks will literally line up to talk to you and BRING YOU CAKE. That’s not a thing that happens in the real world.

“Poppa Bear is in control,” is an actual phrase that comes out of his mouth after Sarah brings him a half birthday cake (which is pretty stinkin’ cute). Except she playfully asks if he’d ever lick frosting off of her and he says, “If you had just showered.” UM, it doesn’t take a fuckin’ detective to put these pieces together. I’m getting the feeling that ol’ Daniel doesn’t go down on girls unless they have just showered, IF AT ALL.

I’m going to take a moment for a sexual PSA. Ladies, if a man doesn’t want to go down on you, you need to dump him. Like, yesterday. That is how soon you should dump him. And if he’ll only do it right after you shower ALSO DUMP HIM. You think we’re just sucking dick all day because it’s fresh and clean? Get a fucking life. Be a man.

BUT I DIGRESS. Daniel kisses Haley, he talks to Ashley I… All dem betches trying to score a rose tonight. Daniel lists the reasons why fucking a virgin is good and because I assume it includes gross words they bleep him out for awhile, then cut back to him concluding with, “…Vietnam.”

At the rose ceremony Caila gets Jared’s rose and Daniel gives his rose to the twin who kissed him for one millisecond because when it comes down to it these people are only choosing based on which V they want to put their P into. Bye Sarah, bye Ashley.

Ashley has a meltdown, and quickly decides to get OUT OF THE VAN and go back in to talk to everyone. She’s like, “I want to stay, it’s up to you guys,” and I’m kind of like um, WHAT? Since when do these fuckers get to decide who stays and who goes? It is SO WEIRD that they pretend like they have any real say in the plot of this television show. Here’s how Jared feels about the idea of her staying:

So Ashley comes back because Emily (or maybe it was Haley) said she could. Great. The next day Carl shows up, who I obviously don’t recognize at all. Carly points out that although nobody can remember his name, she should be able to because Carl is just the male version of Carly. Am I high as a fucking kite right now? I have NEVER realized that and it is blowing my dome right now.

ANYWHO he asks Emily on a date and I think their equal levels of slight trashiness is going to make this a great match.

Then Brett shows up. I also don’t recognize him, but there is somewhere deep inside my brain that thinks I may have seen him once on Andi’s season. He comes in carrying a lamp, because that’s his thing.

You never want to have a “thing,” okay? It’s just not really a great idea in general. In a perfect world your “thing” is that you’re a normal human. All these girls are like WHOA, HI BRETT even though I’m really on the fence about this one.

Brett asks Caila on his date and Jared immediately says he doesn’t want her to go. Ashley does a piss poor job of hiding the smile that is literally going from ear to ear on her beautiful face.

So here’s the thing. Caila says she’ll go on the date. Then she says she’s going to stay and hang with Jared. Then she says she’s going to go. Then stay. Then she’s going. Now she’s staying. Okay I’m kidding, she’ll go.

Her indecisiveness is making me physically uncomfortable. I feel like she’s on meth and trying to answer a question while her skin is crawling all over the place. It is SO weird and honestly it gives me all the insight into Caila that I’ll ever need. Girl is a people pleaser, and this time her robot heart can’t figure out which person she is programmed to please. Who do you want to hang out with today, betch! It’s not that big of a deal.

She’s going, so Jared is bumming hard. I assume Ashley is somewhere in the corner sipping a Mai Tai and rubbing her hands together maniacally as someone glues individual lashes on her. Meanwhile not a single person can remember Carl’s name, but he goes on a booze cruise double date with Emily but I think it’s actually Haley, and Brett and Caila.

Caila is immediately aware that she made a mistake, probably because she’s never been thought of as Caila “Booze Cruise” Quinn.

She hates this shit, so she talks about Jared the whole time and now Brett’s like god dammit, I picked the wrong female. Ain’t that always the way.

They come back and Caila talks to Jared, which is the perfect opportunity for Ashley to do some secret surveillance on them. She’s creeping hard.

Ryan shows up to paradise and it’s like okay, guys, how many bearded white men are going to magically appear this week? He looks almost identical to Brett and whatshisname.

Jared talks to him and tries to pawn Ashley off on him, which is exactly what someone who is not your friend would do. Ashley can’t stop talking about how perfect Jared is and how he’s flawless and I really do think from the bottom of my heart that this is because she has never had sex with anyone. Once you’ve been intimate you realize that everyone has flaws, many in the form of weird body hair/smells. Talk to me after he lines your toilet bowl with shit streaks the morning after he was unable to give you an orgasm. Let’s see how flawless he is then.

(I am like, super sorry that this recap is turning out to be a weird, very sexual exposé of some sort but sometimes that’s just the vibe!!)

Haley goes on a date with Ryan, although honestly it could be Emily. They are doing a horrible job of keeping track of them this episode and I truthfully don’t know which one has fallen in love with which dude. Anyway they ride horses and it’s pretty boring.

Meanwhile Grant tells Lace he loves her and she cries and it’s VERY CUTE. The most cute.

But then, the shit storm. From the moment Izzy laid eyes on Brett she was like Vinny WHO?

She wants to bone Brett so bad, so she talks to him and Vinny is NOT HAVING IT. She tries to explain her attraction to this rando, but she does a terrible job.

If my dog could talk, that is exactly what it would say after a day of getting shots at the vet. (Dogs are so weird after shots, amiright? That joke is so relatable.)

Anyway tonight is all about the demise of the beautiful courtship that was Izzy and Vinny, so stay tuned! DRAMA.

Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here. 

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Check out Vinny’s super fucking pissed face here: