Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “I’m Getting Dumped For A Lamp”

emily and haley guns

Let me start off by saying I was recently corrected on some of my Bachelor shit, so it’s time for me to publicly apologize. Apparently Nick’s hot piece is JEN, not JENNA. No idea why I went fucking rogue as shit and added letters but maybe part of my subconscious wanted to make her a TINY BIT more interesting. Anyway sorry JEN.

We left off in paradise at a pre-rose cocktail party, where Ashley is sobbing her eyeballs out.

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The Bachelorette Recap: “The Spicy Child”

final four bachelorette

I hope Jojo’s got a power bar hidden in her sweet tits, because girl is going to need ENERGY for these hometowns.

We start in Colorado with Chase, because Chase is boring so we need to get it out of the way. They drink hot cocoa on a blanket and this view is probably the most interesting thing about him so far all season. (“Thanks, mountains!” -Chase)

chase colorado bachelorette

He tells her that his parents got divorced and that she’ll have to meet them separately because shit kind of hit the fan, and in response Jojo asks if the divorce was bad. Umm, yeah, Jojo. It was. That’s why you’re meeting them separately.

They chill with his dad, and we immediately learn that Chase’s house doesn’t have banisters.

chase banisters bachelorette

I mean, that is not safe. My boozey ass would be spread eagle with a sprained ankle in NO TIME.

Jojo meets his mom, who is serving up former beauty queen/suburban MILF realness:

chase mom bachelorette

Because of divorce pain, Chase and his siblings can’t say I love you and they start a debate about how it’s just a word but it’s also MORE than a word. Honestly it’s a fucking downer.

chase cry tear bachelorette

Can’t we just reminisce about your weird sex yoga date and keep it moving??

In Aaron Rodger’s brother’s hometown, Jojo is on crack. Girl is SO excited that she scares all the deer in the area, which in turn scare her as they run scared. Now I’m scared.

jojo deer bachelorettejojo deer 2

They go to his high school and he pushes Jojo up against ANOTHER WALL to make out with her. He is literally obsessed with making out against walls. They kiss surrounded by YA novels and what I assume is at least one copy of It’s Perfectly Normal.

jojo jordan library bachelorette

Jojo asks why nobody in his family talks to Aaron and he tells her that it doesn’t need to be a topic, which is bro code for can it, bitch.

At his parents house, ol’ Darla tells Jojo that Jordan is her Spicy Child and as she’s listing off adorably diabolical things he did as a youngster his father whispers, “He kicked his teacher,” so to answer your question YES, everything is totally fine and normal at the Rodgers house.

Jojo can’t take it any longer, she is going to bring up Aaron because he’s kiiiind of the reason this feather-haired motherfucker made it on the show, ya know? Here’s how his other brother handles the mention of He Who Shall Not Be Named:

luke rodgers bachelorette

They’re all hurt about it and now Jojo’s hurt about it. She defends her man by saying, “He is NOBODY’S BROTHER,” which is sweet but factually inaccurate.

At the end of the night she tells him that she’s crazy about him but also doesn’t believe that he wants to be with her forever. It’s his hair, guys. It just screams, “I FUCK A TON OF GIRLS.”

On Robby’s date he only has the bottom button done and it is freaking me out.

robby shirt buttoned

His best case scenario for today is that she tells him she loves him and I hear myself say to the television, “Not gonna happen.” Lofty dreams, you nautical sonofabitch.

They hang out in this historical Floridian town where apparently everyone dresses like pirates.

townspeople

Fine, it is POSSIBLE they are in colonial garb.

Jojo grills him about his ex-girlfriend (you know, the one he dumped four days ago) and he assures her that it’s over, it’s done, he hasn’t thought about her ONCE. That is what we industry people like to call an oversell. You haven’t thought about her once? You are a fucking liar.

But it’s time to meet his parents! So they up and leave full drinks on the table. Who leaves FULL drinks?? What are you, a god damn billionaire? It is honestly alarming to order a drink and leave so much of it there.

drinks bachelorette

Robby describes to his parents how close they were to fireworks on their date by saying, “Literally ashes falling in our eyes,” which sounds like my nightmare.

His mom then sits him down and tells him that there are rumors circulating the great US of A that Robby dumped his girlfriend Hope to be on the show. Ooooo, juicy!! If they pull out a second InTouch weekly of the season, I will die.

Now he’s gotta explain this shit to Jojo. Great. He says all the drama is just a flash in the pan and people are stirring things up, so now I’m thinking he’s not only communicating with the woman he loves but is also pitching a new show, Cooking Up Drama with Robby Hayes. I am positive the next thing out of his mouth will be, “Don’t bay leaf her. She belongs in the garbage disposal, you’re the Le Creuset of my heart.”

upset jojo robby bachelorette

It’s time for her date with bowlegged Luke, and I just want to point out that he is bowlegged because as a child his bones literally grew around a horse’s body. That’s a real thing that happens to cowboys and it is blowing this city girl’s DOME RIGHT NOW.

Jojo thinks Luke’s silent confidence is a panty dropper and I’m not gonna argue with her. Sure, his face has some weird angles but I’m taking his quiet ass over Robby and his god damn boat shoes ANY DAY. (I’m sorry, Robby. I’m not sure why I hate you so much.)

She shows up to meet Luke’s family and he has neglected to mention that they scheduled this shindig on the same weekend as his family reunion.

luke homeotwn bachelorette

LOOK HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE THERE. What the WHAT. But joke’s on me, everyone in Luke’s life is lovely and his parent’s 38-year marriage is a shining beacon of hope for us all (“Don’t say the word Hope!!” –Robby).

After she meets everybody they sit on a couch made out of hay.

hay couch bachelorette

I mean, that is ridiculous. It is absolutely insane to construct a hay couch with actual throw pillows on it.

Anyway he brings her to this… set up? How do you describe this?

heart path bachelorette

The whole point is for him to say I love you and he says other things but not THE thing. She has his heart, okay? Isn’t that enough? (Spoiler alert: it’s not.) I’m watching them walk towards her car and if he doesn’t say I love you I’m going to break my TV, which is actually a projector so I would technically be breaking the drywall of my apartment.

The rose ceremony is on a tarmac that has been decorated with various old-timey boxes, and I really do wonder what the budget is on a show like this. How many flameless candles can you expense? Do they file receipts into a folder labeled rustic odds ‘n’ ends?

tarmac set bachelorette

The four of them stand like mannequins fresh off the assembly line, and Jojo tells the producers that she needs to say goodbye to Luke. Um, exsqueeze me? I am so ready for M. Night Shyamalan to pop out of one of those decorative boxes like, “GOT YA AGAIN, SUCKAZ!! TWIST!”

boys on the tarmac

Luke asks to talk to her and finally says he loves her. Ya know, the thing he forgot to say before.

Now girl is like, stressed. She walks down the tarmac (please don’t get your head chopped off by a landing plane, babe), and she’s having a full blown panic attack in a beautiful blue dress. And of course, it is To Be Continued…

We’ll find out next week if Jojo takes a shit on the tarmac. That’s what’s happening here, right?

jojo freaking out 1

Tune in next Monday for a TWO NIGHT EVENT™, where Chase’s ass get dumped and we sit down for the Men Tell All! Is Chad going to threaten Derek? Will Evan get a random nose bleed? How’s Wells been holding up? Can’t wait.

Read last week’s recap here. Or others here

You can also follow me Twitter, oh em gee!!

BONUS PIC: Luke’s grandfather. Please love and cherish him as I do. Thank you.

luke's grandfather

The Bachelor Finale Recap: “I’m A Lost Man Right Now.”

losing my mind

Well, shit. We made it to the end and like any great fairytale, I find myself wine drunk and full of meatballs, tearfully begging someone to READ. IT. AGAIN.

Chris Harrison immediately teases us with the possibility of a live wedding on After The Final Rose, which is 100% the only way he’s going to get me to stay up that late.

chris harrison bachelor finale after the rose

Honestly they should’ve started this 3 hour shit show a little earlier in the day ‘cause real talk I am already sleepy. But EXCITED! Anyway he teases this wedding and Ben’s PASTOR is here. I suddenly hear myself go, “What the fuck is going on,” which is literally what I say about every single thing in life that has anything to do with religion.

Back in Jamaica both of the girls are wearing cutoff shorts 24 hours a day (I assume they have molded to their bodies at this point) and Ben says that his head is a mess. No shade, but I feel like Ben’s head isn’t usually terribly organized anyway.

He talks to his parents and his mom refers to them as “Lauren “ and the “other girl,” in case you wanted to know where she stands on this. Lauren meets his parents and literally holds his mom’s hand while they talk.

lauren bens mom hold hands

Is it VERY STRANGE LOOKING and my hands would get so fucking clammy you’d need one of those tiny forks to pry them open (wow, bad joke). Lauren like, really wants to be part of the Higgins family. #NeverForget that Lauren wants a life with him. Like, a life life life.

lauren ben noses

Jojo meets his parents the next day and brings them a conch shell with flowers in it. Not my favorite choice, but she’s basically been at sea for a month so I’ll let it slide.

Ben tells his folks about all of their moments. About how they had a date here, a date there, how she laid her head on his shoulder and they talked. I cannot IMAGINE saying that shit to my parents. “Hey mom I really like this guy, I put my head on his shoulder and we talked.” My mom would be like Sam get a fucking LIFE!

Jojo asks Ben if he’s ready to get married at the end of this and he says yes while SHAKING HIS HEAD NO. He’s a 26-year-old smokeshow, so I don’t see why he is even pretending he wants to get married at all. Give it ten years, buddy! There is so much pussy to be had.

jojo ben talk bachelor finale

His parents smell the huge mound of shit Ben currently stands in so his dad goes, “Unfortunately you can’t propose to two different ladies,” which I would only say if Ben were 85 and in a nursing home trying to decide between Esther and Mary Jo. Ladies?? They aren’t old maids, DAD.

Ben is really starting to freak the fuck out. As is his mom. She cries and is like, super worried about who he’s going to choose because it’s SUCH a big decision and I’m starting to wonder if she thinks he is contractually obligated to marry the one he chooses? This is a television show, Amy. It’s not AS big of a deal as you think it is.

We keep checking back with Chris Harrison but really we keep checking in on Ben’s god damn pastor, who stands in the wings of the studio reading a Bible. Look I don’t care if you’re a pastor: when you get flown to LA to be on television, I would think you’d rather count all the lights on stage or try to identify which people milling about are the executive producers, than reread a book you’ve read a million fucking times.

ben's pastor after the finale rose finale

Lauren and Ben have their final date, where they lie on a boat together and talk.
I would be SO BARFY on this date I can’t even tell you. Yeah sure, let’s drop anchor and just chat about our love together while we sway up, and down… up and down… up and down. I could throw up thinking about it.

lauren ben boat finale bachelor

I am however totally into the fact that Ben is mentally losing his shit. GOOD. Do you know how many bachelors have just super casually dumped somebody without suffering any devastating inner turmoil? Basically Ben could use a fucking Xanax.

He def wants to explain this whole “I also said I love you to Jojo” business, but all he can get out is the phrase “No matter what happens…” which is the #1 thing someone in Lauren’s position does NOT want to hear. Look how not happy she is hearing that:

lauren no matter what happens bachelor

Ya. But thankfully we cut back to BEN’S PASTOR again just to remind everybody that “No matter what happens” some crazy shit is gonna go down in this finale. (I think I hate Ben’s pastor.)

The first thing Ben says when he sees Jojo for their date is that he is going to pray for clarity. How about you just search through that junk drawer of a brain and figure this shit out yourself, dude. Also I want to pray for some Claritin, because my eyes are itchy as FUCK right now. Jesus. Allergy season AMIRIGHT GUYS?!

He and Jojo make out in front of a waterfall because really that’s what they do best.

waterfall makeout bachelor

She asks if he feels good and Ben being Ben goes, “Um.” Nice try, but girl is NOT going to let you off that easy. He SQUIRMS as Jojo asks why he feels so confused and where they’re going to live after the show wraps and all I can think about is how I bet Ben has had a stomach ache for the past week and a half. I would go through so many fucking Tums on this show.

jojo ben hug bachelor finale

The main thing to take away from every conversation Jojo has with anybody is that she and Ben are best friends. Then buy each other these adorable avocado bestie necklaces and move on! This is a show about LOVE, not about who you can laugh with as you rip a huge fart.

Jojo needs a sign. SOMETHING to know that he’s going to pick her and she doesn’t fucking get one because he’s not gonna fucking pick her. She asks him the REAL REAL as they sit on a bathroom floor off camera and Ben finally cracks.

love her tooIMG_8457

She is like, mega sads and feels FOOLISH, okay Ben? Foolish. Back at the live show Chris Harrison says the word dramatic for the 8th or 10,000,000th time tonight. We get it, it’s dramatic! I didn’t expect this finale to be a fucking snoozefest, bro. It’s about the exact level of drama I was anticipating.

Neil Lane asks Ben if he knows who he’s, ya know, PICKING OUT AN ENGAGEMENT RING FOR and Ben looks pret-ty unsure about it.

ben talks neil lane finale bachelor

But in true Bachelor fashion all of a fuckin-sudden he totally knows and surprise! This hasn’t been as confusing for him as we thought. He loves somebody more, plain and simple. Now for the moment of truth.

Jojo and her bad dress come out of the helicopter first and all I can say as I pour the last of my red wine into my glass is, “Oh girl.” Her heart is about to be curb stomped.

jojo dress bachelor finale

She gives him a long speech about their future together and I’m starting to wonder just how sadistic ABC is, because I want to die right now. He says nice things to her and then twists the knife with the magic word, “But…” Here is her face as she realizes she outtie:

jojo sad

Her first reaction is basically WTF?? And then she does the most perfect thing ever which is nod her head and go, “Mhmm.” Oooooh, girl is pissed, Ben! You’ve really done it.

The bad bitch that she is, Jojo lets him have it. She is basically like fuck this NOISE and as they walk out she’s like, “I gotta go,” which is SO classic because she’s had literally nowhere to go for like, 2 months and suddenly she’s acting like her Palm Pilot is jam packed with meetings.

jojo cry leave car

Ben calls Mr. Bushnell and asks for Lauren’s hand in marriage. Is that a thing people still need to do? I get that it’s romantic but the feminist in me is like um, pretty sure you need to be askin THIS BITCH that question but OKAY.

He gets a yes from Lauren B’s dad and then does this very nerdy fist pump into the air as he lets out a big WOO??  I am covered in goose bumps because of how cringey it is. Lauren gets out of the helicopter and he tells her he wants to kiss her face. He then obviously proposes to her and it’s pretty fucking cute, I’ll give them that. Pretty cute indeed.

proposelauren ben cute proposalneil lane ring lauren ben bachelor finale

Chris Harrison immediately goes, “How good was that?” as if we just walked out of a matinee of Hamilton or some shit. The After The Final Rose special is, in a word, LONG. But I patiently wait for what I swear to God better be someone’s god damn wedding at the end of this.

They announce that Jojo is the next Bachelorette (May 23rd, y’all!), which is very exciting partially because I think she is the producer’s WET DREAM of a bachelorette but mostly because I can’t wait to walk into work in the morning and go IN YOUR FACE, FUCKERS!!!!! to everyone because I’ve been saying Lauren B was gonna win and Jojo was going to be the bachelorette for like, 7 weeks now. Oh, you thought Caila was going to be the bachelorette? That’s cute.

The wedding ends up being a god damn cock tease. There totally isn’t one and what they pretended was going to be this big build up to something was just a big build up to a RAMP DOWN. Everybody just stands around hugging for the remaining minutes of the show. Technically Ben re-proposes to Lauren but we literally JUST watched you propose to her the first time like, five minutes ago! Get your shit together, ATFR!!

Thanks for reading these recaps, kiddos. I hope you enjoyed them as much as I enjoyed WORKING MY ASS OFF to write them. I kid. It’s been fun.

ben face bachelor

Imma be recapping the shit out of Jojo’s season of The Bachelorette and season 3 of Bachelor in Paradise, so hold on to your granny panties. Patience is a virtue that I also struggle with.

In the meantime, read all my other show recaps one by one as if they are an advent calendar counting down to the premiere. (I do not provide tiny chocolates, although I fully support you eating some on your own.)

Read the Women Tell All recap here.

My recap of the fantasy suite dates can be found here.

If you’re more into hometown dates, that shit is here.

The Bachelor Recap: “We Woke Up As A Couple.”

sea turtles lauren b bachelor face date

Hope you stuffed a granola bar in your pocket, ‘cause this emotional roller coaster is about to get stuck at the top of a huge ass drop. I’m sweating already.

We’re in Jamaica for the FANTASY DATES, and Ben is doin’ a lot of thinking before he sees these women. He’s also climbing what I can only describe as a poor man’s Machu Picchu.

ben higgins climbing jamaica fantasy

Caila’s date is first and they go rafting on one of the rivers I think Ocho Rios, Jamaica is named after. (Not to brag about my education, but I happen to know that ocho rios means eight rivers.) Also, I want one of these wooden rafts with the bench (we know how much Caila loves benches), but I truly would have NOWHERE to put it in my apartment.

caila ben raft

So they’re on this date and I’m going to be honest with you, it’s a little awks. Caila is starting to freak the fuck out because there are other betches still in this thing and look, honey, when you’re right, you’re right. Ain’t no way in hell I’m cool as a cucumber when I know my man is also dating Jojo and Lauren B. Thanks for the fun dates, I’m gonna go pack my bags. It’s been a really neat journey.

caila ben awkward silence

Ben is having a great ol’ time on this fucking raft, as evident by him saying things like, “I’m a 26-year-old man who’s like a kid right now.” Not to hate, but the word man should be used verrrry loosely when talking about a 26-year-old. Men are not people who JUST started paying for their own health insurance, you feel me?

Caila says I love you and can “feel it in his breath that he feels the same.” I don’t want to feel a god damn thing in someone’s breath, not even love. I like a dude’s breath to be pure nothingness. Or whiskey.

They kiss in the water and all I can think about is how many fucking blue gels these production people are using. (A gel is a filter you throw on a light to make shit a certain color. Pret-ty high tech.) Anyway they are TOTES USING THEM HERE.

blue gels bachelor

They  take the fantasy suite key to “forego their individual rooms and spend the night together as a couple,” which is Bach producer talk for they be fuxsin.

We’re onto Lauren B.’s date and girl is in some tiny ass shorts. He’s stoked on it, and their activity for the day is RELEASING BABY SEA TURTLES. Guys. Real talk. These tiny baby sea turtles are the cutest little nuggets I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s possible that the 2.5 tequila shots I’ve done since I started this program are contributing to my mood but hand to God I could burst into tears at any moment watching these little suckers.

sandy sea turtles cuteben lauren date sea turtles

Ben tells her he cried to her hot sister when talking about her and she thinks it’s muy adorbs. Now’s a good time to also mention that Lauren B.’s body is pretty bangin. Doesn’t ooze sex like Jojo, but as my girl Jordan (who diligently watches with me while I pause the TV 50,000 times to take screenshots) says, “Like, she works out.” Yas, Jor. Speaking truth.

Lauren is tripping balls because she wants to say I love you and somehow can’t, but then she does. This is the part in the episode I was talking about earlier. We are juuuust getting to the top of a rickety fuckin’ carnival ‘coaster and that shit is about to lock up and keep us dangling there for the next 1.5 hours.

She goes, “I am completely in love with you.” His response, like everything he says, starts with, “Um.” But then he pulls that shit together and SAYS I LOVE YOU BACK. This is some CUTE SHIT right here. Reallll fucking cute. As I shovel the last of a taco into my mouth (it was Mexican night at my house, okay? Sometimes we theme it) I hear myself say, “I’m having a lot of feelings.”

love bachelor i love you

Now that Ben’s told her he loves her, he says it 95 more times. Can’t stop saying it! Even the next morning after what I assume was some passionate bonin’ he looks at her dead serious and is like, “I do love you.” Boy is so fucking in right now. Trouble’s a-brewin.

It’s Jojo’s date, which means it’s helicopter time! The Bachelor’s bread and butter.

helicopter bachelor

Meanwhile Jordan and I are sitting on my couch discussing MEN. And THEIR BEHAVIOR. Because Ben just had maybe the realest night in Bachelor history with Lauren B, confessing his god damn LOVE for her, and now this is happening:

jojo ben hug

Another thing that’s happening is Bachelor editors are painting in bikinis again. They took one look at Jojo’s side boob and someone was like, “Nope. Open up Kid Pix and get the taupe-colored paint brush!” Look at this painted side boob:

blur bikini jojo

Jojo tells him she loves him and he, SUPER CASUAL, says it back and she does a literal double take. Girl is like wait, what? And then she legit tries to cover her face and whispers, “Are you allowed to say that?” Because like I said last week, there are RULES on this show and when you go wackadoo on Jojo and me, it gets very confusing for all of us.

jojo i love you face bachelor loljojo happy bachelor ben

Then they make out in front of a waterfall.

jojo ben kiss waterfall

This, in my mind, is where Ben starts to unravel. He is in WAYYY over his head and that shit is going to bite him in the ass harder than a mosquito with fucking Zika virus.

They eat at a nice restaurant where let me tell you, they were lucky to get a table. Get it? ‘Cause there’s one fucking table. They don’t eat food but they do sit in front of food and talk, and Jojo is so in love with him that I’m now wondering how in the hell Ben sleeps at night. Then I remember that these dates are all in a row and I’m like shit, this mother fucker has been up for three god damn days! No wonder he’s saying I love you to everyone, he probably said it to his favorite palm tree today too.

They discuss her hometown date and how RUDE her brothers were, and I swear to God  for a second I expect Ben to go, “And that’s why I brought them to Jamaica!!” as he turns his head and they appear out of the jungle. Thankfully this does not happen.

Jojo’s body continues to be the definition of insanity and it’s really making me question everything I’ve eaten in the last 24 hours/27 years.

jojo bikini body

Ben looks into Jojo’s eyes and goes, “We’re on the same page” and I laugh OUT LOUD and want to ask him what kind of page is that? Is it a page in the world’s largest book and you guys are standing a mile and a half away from each other? No way they’re ON THE SAME PAGE.

They go back and forth saying, “You’re cute.” “No YOU’RE cute.” And it’s like guys, it’s settled, you’re both the cutest people I’ve probably ever seen in my life.

Now that all three sexytime dates are over Ben sits in an Adirondack chair and realizes he’s in some DEEP SHIT. Dude is in love with two different women! But Caila’s going to help a brother out by visiting him. Eeeeee! Not going to go well, babe. She sneaks up behind him like the woman of my dreams if those dreams were specifically nightmares.

caila sneaking up behind himcaila sneaking up behind ben 2

She is SUPER excited to see him and the crazy comes out in Caila. It’s something I always knew about her. Suddenly Ben is like whoa, bitch, I wasn’t ready to break up with you RIGHT THIS SECOND but now that you’re here and annoying the shit out of me…

They talk and there is always a point in these break ups where the girl knows. She doesn’t even need to hear the, “But…” after he compliments her. It’s seconds before that. Here is Caila’s face as she figures this shiz out:

caila knows

He dumps her ass and girl is like WOW, you can stop saying nice things to me, this is a terrible moment in my life and I’d like to GTFO of here right now.

She sits in the car and then GETS OUT OF THE CAR and I’m screaming at my TV because nobody GETS OUT OF THE CAR, okay? But she does and she gets out with a vengeance. Caila wants answers. She wants to know if he fucked her knowing that he was going to send her home. The short answer is Yes, but his answer has a lotttttt more words in it that are trying to sound like the word No but don’t quite get there.

caila out of the car bachelor

Ben is very upset by all of this. I get it, you feel bad, but get your shit together. It is about to get 100 times shittier when you have to dump a girl you said I love you to three days earlier. Suit up.

In the car Caila says she still loves him and it’s like yeah we know, he broke up with you six minutes ago. But I feel for her because she is experiencing all of the sads. She’s also making the exact face I make in almost all social situations:

caila face awkward social

For the rose ceremony Chris Harrison is back and when I say back I mean he is giving PURE POKER FACE. Cannot be cracked while he greets these women.

chris harrison poker face

Both girls are like hm, where the fuck is Caila. Ben does not explain and hands out roses anyway. Jojo gets the first one, Lauren B. gets the second. This rose ceremony is VERY awkward, mostly because they GROUP HUG after and it is like, triple-cringe. Triple. Cringe.

group hug awkward lauren jojo ben

Next week is the tell all and here are some things I’d like answered: Why did Lauren H. make out with the ventriloquist dummy? Have Haley and Emily’s dachshunds lost any weight? It’s unhealthy for them to be that sausage-y. And finally: Has Olivia gotten her mind right? No? I bet Ben’s pumped.

Read last week’s hometown recap here.

Check out more of my recaps here.

ben thinking