I’m tired, are you tired? I’d love to go to bed but OH THERE IS MORE BACHELOR IN PARADISE TO WATCH. Maybe someday, years from now, I’ll go to sleep at a reasonable hour, no longer a slave to my television. Probably not, but maybe.
So Canadian Daniel is here, and that of course makes Lacey perk the fuck up, because she’s been waiting for this fool to show up for days. She explains to Daniel that the only girls left who aren’t spoken for are herself, Christen, and Jasmine, and Daniel says, AND I QUOTE, “So I’m left with the scraps?”
I hope someone volunteers to give me one hell of a eulogy, ‘cause girl I am DEAD. THE SCRAPS!! It’s too much. Once I’ve successfully picked my jaw up off the floor, I think I hear him also call them the leftovers but I have to just move on because it’s too extra for my ass to handle.
At the rose ceremony Daniel gives his rose to Lacey, Jack Stone gives his to Christen, and Matt shows up out of god damn nowhere and Diggy’s like whaaat??
But he’s not BACK back, he’s just back to save Jasmine by giving her his rose and she is saltier than that crab-infested water about it. She dryly takes it and is like THANKS, even though I think in her head she tagged it with a comma and the word ASSHOLE.
Adam gives his rose to Raven, but also explains to her that if he’s going to give it to her he’d really like her to get serious about them or something? I don’t know, it seemed like that rose came with some CONDITIONS, but whatever.
It’s Dean’s turn, and Kristina is confident she’s going to get the rose which of course means I’m 100% positive she will not be getting it, but those bastards at ABC have DONE IT AGAIN! Made me look like a noob! Kristina gets Dean’s rose and is adorable and I love her.
Of course Ben Z. goes last, which means that Danielle is going to get his rose and therefore continue seducing the Deaner. Danielle accepts Ben’s rose, and in a real shady ass moment tells him that she wouldn’t have accepted it from anyone else (I assume she then looked over and GLARED AT DEAN).
Dean looks stressed and honestly tired as fucking hell. Sunburnt, hungover, the works. This isn’t Naked and Afraid, guys. You’re allowed to rest and eat a sandwich and shit.
After the rose ceremony Kristina dares Dean to get a mystical boner, which he attempts in earnest to achieve.
I say “mystical boner” because he tries to get it up without being touched and he seems intensely focused on it. It does not work.
The next morning while everyone is in a deep, deep, tequila-induced slumber, a gang of luchadores storm the castle and aggressively wake up Daniel, which honestly looks like the start of a porno.
I guess it’s not though, and they give Daniel a date card.
While Daniel decides who to take, he explains to Lacey that he already knows her kind of from last night, so they don’t need to talk again.
I love every single thing that comes out of Daniel’s mouth, especially when he starts rambling about hatching chickens into dinosaurs.
Anyway Lacey gets the date card and she couldn’t possibly be more excited about it.
Meanwhile Dean and Kristina obviously boned and as everyone’s favorite Friends barista Gunther would put it, Dean can’t keep his mouth in the house.
Jonathan the Tickle Monster shows up to paradise, and all these single girls are thirsty as fuck for him for some reason. They keep saying HE’S A DOCTOR, HE’S A DOCTOR and it’s like yeah sure, I get it, but he also likes to tickle? Like, tickling is his “thing”??
Everyone keeps going on and on about how tickles, tickled, tickling, and the word tickle is now making me EXTREMELY IRRITATED.
But Christen is taken by him, and they make out almost immediately. Jack Stone is muy concerned about it.
Daniel and Lacey go on their date, where they wrestle in a makeshift arena, and it looks like my complete nightmare of a date.
I’d much rather be at Color Me Mine bonding over stories of putting our family dogs down while I paint some sort of tiny plate to store my rings on or something (for EXAMPLE).
Back at the beach Dean is just like, a fucking mope! SMILE, dude. You’re at a weeks-long open bar and someone will grill you up a chicken quesadilla WHENEVER YOU WANT. He’s all torn because Kristina is smart and interesting and really likes him but Danielle is just, “so fucking hot.” Being a woman really is neat sometimes.
Meanwhile Christen and Jonathan go on a date (someone please start brainstorming a wedding hashtag that incorporates Scallop Fingers and Tickle Monster) and they eat their food with TINY PLASTIC HANDS and I am beyond horrified by all of it and he touches her face with them after they’ve been used to like, scoop up potatoes and I am just so freaked out.
Christen comes back from the date and immediately macks on Jack Stone, so who knows what the fuck is going on in paradise, ya know? Literally nobody knows.
Later that night Kristina watches Dean and Danielle flirt even though he literally had sex with Kristina that morning.
Dean, you were once America’s sweetheart, but your shooting star status has suddenly hit an asteroid and I think you are now a falling star (I told you guys I was tired. Not all of the analogies are going to be great.)
Like seriously, Dean is being a real fuck boi right now and I’m very much not into it. That being said, if I were Kristina I would already be back home catching up on my Real Housewives, cocktail in hand, waiting for a real man to slide into my DMs, because baby don’t have time for fuck bois.
ANYWHO, now we’re back in the studio with Chris Harrison, who brings Wells, Raven, Amanda and Alexis out to talk and it’s honestly SO boring. Raven retells her Dallas-Adam-Sarah-couch-cuddle story, Wells retells his Danielle-old-friends-kiss story and it’s like guys, I listen when you talk. You don’t have to repeat yourselves.
Jasmine and Matt come out to discuss their relationship, and the only thing of note here is that Matt is sporting a thicker head of hair.
Good on ya, Matt. Also Jasmine is still kind of abrasive and Matt is still kind of like yeahhhh, bye.
It’s finally time for Corinne to come out and talk to Chris, and America is on the edge of her seat (I’m talking about America Ferrera). Corinne is open and honest and I give her props for that, explaining that she mixed some meds and drank too much and although everyone thought she was lucid and fine, she doesn’t remember anything. She doesn’t blame DeMario, and the whole thing kind of sucked.
So the big wigs over at ABC are probably sitting in some type of executive war room surrounded by 40,000 flameless candles and area rugs, all patting themselves on the back for smoothing this whole thing over and saving their show, even though it literally ruined both Corinne and DeMario’s lives. Well, at least their Google alerts. But hey, you sign your life away on those shows, right?! No? Ah, ethics. It’s a tough one!
Next week, Kristina cries. And new people come? And people get more sunburnt? We’ll see!
Read Monday’s recap here.