I’m gonna be honest with you noodles, the relief I felt when I saw that Tuesday nights are going to be hour-long episodes instead of two is FOR REAL. Like yes, my goofy ass eats this shit up but at some point you gotta give a bitch a break. I need some SPACE, Bachelor in Paradise.

So Josh and Amanda are still making out all over the place, I assume only taking breaks when one of them misses their own reflection in a mirror and needs to go visit themselves for a bit.

Nick is salty as hell about it, but basically it’s distracting for everyone.

Christian shows up and Josh immediately tells him that he and Amanda have a connection so he can fuck off with any notion he had about dating her. Please picture me giving a HUGE EYE ROLL. Here is Josh’s stupid face as he says that stupid shit:

Get. Over. Yourself.

Christian asks Sarah on a date and she is pumped about it. Meanwhile Carly has now realized that she needs to dump her non-boyfriend Evan. She sits him down and does the Bachelor Special: a string of compliments followed by an ominous BUT… finishing it off with, “I’m not attracted to you.”

Evan’s upset, Evan cries. But like, how can you lose something that was never really yours? (…And other cheesy sayings I will frame and hang in my kitchen.)

Onto more pressing matters, the sunblock train!! Yes.

Next stop, butt stuff.

Sarah and Christian go zip lining on their date, and I can’t tell if Christian is having a good time.

Back in paradise Evan is still not okay. He’s contemplating his whole god damn life at this point and doesn’t know if he should just go home. Um, probably not? Isn’t this like, a free vacation in Mexico with an open bar type deal? Insane that someone who went to MEDICAL SCHOOL is not smart enough to realize he’s got a good thing going, regardless of being alone. CHEER UP, BABE.

Brandon arrives, and because literally nobody watching this show has any idea who he is, Chris Harrison does a little comedy bit where he pretends to also not know who he is.

Spoiler alert, Chris Harrison knows who ALL the motherfuckers are that he allows into his kingdom of paradise. Duh.

Anyway he finally recognizes him from Desiree’s season by saying, “Oh yes, you wore the unfortunate thong.” Story of my life!

He immediately asks Haley on a date instead of Carly, because that’s just how life goes. You think I’d be asked on any dates around all these hot bitches? This would be me in paradise:

Meanwhile Emily is drunk as shit and having a ball. She makes a tight pussy joke and is absolutely thrilled with herself.

Christian and Sarah get back from their date and proceed to give everybody the play by play. This upsets Daniel to his core. Like, dude is fucking MUY TRISTE right now.

It is at this point that I unhook my bra, pull it out of the side of my tank top, and throw it across the room onto a nearby accent chair. That has nothing to do with what’s actually going on in the show, but I want you guys to really understand my feelings, emotions, and undergarment situation during this shit show.

Amanda and Josh are like, still making out. I don’t think they have said one word to each other or anyone else all day. It is gross and weird.

Sarah and Daniel talk, and he has organized a mini-date for her and honestly it’s adorable. They talk about how Daniel is a fucking weirdo and how Sarah always wants to be herself, and it is so fucking cute I am smiling from ear to ear. GUYS, they are falling in love. It is beautiful.

Also they both don’t want to catch Zika. That’s more of just a side note than anything. Everyone else seems to be hanging out on an orgy lounger of some sort?

That is like, so many people on that bed. They’re all too close to each other and Evan is awkwardly alone in the middle.

Brandon goes on his date with Haley, and it is so fucking boring I am actually angry at the television UNTIL, UNTIL, Haley says she is going to do the ol’ twin switcheroo on this motherfucker and have Emily go in and see if he notices. I audibly gasp.

So Emily sits down and let me just do random ass Brandon a solid. He JUST met these people, literally today, so how in the actual fuck is he supposed to be able to tell the two of them apart? They both say, “I appreciate that” over and over to him so it’s not like he is being given any verbal cues.

He does not notice the switch. Like, at all. He feels like he has never had a connection this great in his entire life.

You dummy. So he tells Emily who is moonlighting as Haley that they should go on a walk and Emily is kind of like um, okay? Is she supposed to now just continue on the rest of this date with this guy? I guess so.

She won’t kiss him but they still NEVER TELL HIM that they switched. They just literally never speak of it again and we cut to the orgy cam instead.

Now, here is where things take a turn. I’m looking at the bar at the bottom of my DVR and I’m like alright, we are done here. Lovely episode. But suddenly Evan gets the bright idea that he’s going to try and court Amanda. This, for some reason, gives him Hulk-like strength.

So he does what any of us would do, which is throw a towel at himself in the mirror.

Then douse himself in cologne, then forge a date card.

He sets out a fancy ass feast and goes to get him some woman. Except that is next week’s disaster. This shit is To Be Continued.

Read Monday’s recap here. Or other ones here. 

Whoa, I’m also on Twitter.

I’m personally looking forward to Josh beating Evan’s face in POSSIBLY sending him to the hospital. (I am constantly waiting for the Evan-in-an-ambulance footage to make it’s way into the storyline. I was positive it was going to be the habanero pepper that did him in.)

Also Caila gets to paradise, and I’m getting sleepy just thinking about her.