Welp, night one of two started like any days-long rager: sloppy and full of regret!

Everybody is in a MOOD that Chad’s still here, except the villain himself, who gleefully counts calories and scoops protein powder like his life depends on it (maybe it does, I’m no physician).

Some rando named Chase gets the first one-on-one and they go to a yoga studio where they are immediately asked how long they’ve been intimate for. Bleh, cringe. They learn how to ANGER-GASM, which sounds an awful lot like what happens when you have sex with your ex-boyfriend.

Meanwhile Chad and Canadian Daniel are slowly turning the Bachelor Mansion into a god damn Equinox.

Look at these fools! Guys you’re like, sweating all over some very nice ottomans.

Chase gets a rose, and it’s time for the classic Bachelor Private Country Concert With A Singer I’ve Never Heard Of. Where the fuck is Rihanna when you need her?! I’m not making out with anybody unless Bitch Better Have My Money is blasting through the speakers.

The rest of the boyz get a group date card that reads like Schindler’s List. There are like, a thousand names on it and Chad’s pouty ass doesn’t want to go. He doesn’t feel like going on a date with 12 other wangs, okay? Everyone is VERY, DEEPLY offended by this and are not afraid to let him know. (They should be afraid.)

Chad CLAPS BACK by telling Aaron Roger’s brother that he is a 27-year-old failed football player, which is GREAT and completely accurate. He then asks the entire group if they want to fight him before ABC gracefully cuts to a Bachelor-themed Reddi-Whip commercial. Am I more stoned than I realized? None of this is making sense.

On the group date they walk into a theater where a woman is on stage faking an orgasm. They are all horrified.

Vinny “has no idea what she’s doing” and has “never heard anything like that” which does NOT bode well for him.

Turns out they’re going to tell funny sex stories to the audience. Instead of writing his, Canadian Daniel is hard at work on his stick drawing:

Apparently he is illiterate.

In a SHOCKING turn of events, Chad is not being a good sport about the sex story thing. He doesn’t want to talk about his sex life, I assume because he is absolute garbage at it.

Daniel’s up and goes, “She’s tied up at this point… I always carry a knife on me when I’m traveling… Let me chop a piece of her hair off.” GREAT FUCKING STORY, YOU MANIAC. Jesus Christ. If there was a trap door at his feet I am positive Jojo would press a button that’d make him fall into a secret pit and get eaten by a two-headed dragon. (“Wow, what a fun and colorful visual!” -You guys, to me)

Evan plans to make fun of Chad during his sex story, which to me means they boned at the mansion and Evan is about to spill the TEA on Chad’s performance issues. Turns out I’m wrong, and instead he tells the whole audience that Chad does steroids.

I am, at this point, scared for Evan’s life. Chad promptly rips Evan’s shirt when he goes to sit down and Evan is SHOCKED! I am the complete opposite of shocked.

It’s Chad’s turn and he says some bullshit about how the past isn’t important, it’s about the future. He tries to kiss Jojo and gets fucking REJECTED, which is hilarious and beautiful. Did I mention he gets booed? He gets booed.

Backstage he punches the absolute fuck out of a metal door and tells Evan that he’s going to die and you know what? I believe him. Evan is suddenly a HUGE PUSSY and is all like “Hey man, it was all in good fun” even though it was NOT in good fun.

At the cocktail party Chad explains to Jojo that he wasn’t at all mad about the steroids (HA). He was just mad at Evan for walking past him! Ah, yes. It’s all coming together now.

Evan continues to play with fire by puffing up his chest and asking Chad why he’s here. Like a flaccid dick tryna get up in them guts, Evan keeps pushing and pushing.

Evan then gives Jojo an ultimatum. He can’t be in the house with Chad, so either he’s going or Chad’s going. UGH, get a life, Evan!! She gives him a rose and I hear myself say, “Ew” without even realizing it.

She puts the rose in the middle of his fucking shirt and it makes him look like a loser.

“Not on my super cool leather jacket!!” -Evan, trying to win Jojo’s heart.

Chad sees the rose and is like, “Is this real? Is this the real scenario?” I am dying. Dead. Bury me underground. Also is this cocktail party in a terra cotta pottery store?

They’ve now hired a security guard to watch Chad because shit could pop off at ANY. SECOND. Apparently they’ve also secured his perimeter with the handles of all of their suitcases.

James T. gets the last one-on-one date and they learn how to swing dance. Highlights include James shouting, “Smooth!” every five seconds and a woman in her 90s talking about the good ol’ days. It’s all very G-rated and I’m gettin’ the yawns.

Meanwhile Chad eats a sweet potato like a banana and talks to Canadian Daniel.

Daniel tries to explain that Chad is the Hitler of the house, and basically Daniel can’t hang around him any more because then the other guys won’t like him. Chad pretends to listen while continuing to eat his farmer’s market finds.

On James’ date, Jojo is trying to decide if there is romantic chemistry between them, aka does she want to fuck him. He sings to her and she cries AGAIN. James is like, constantly making her cry. He gets a rose.

The next day Chris Harrison and his pink linen show up to explain DUN DUN DUNNNN there will be no cocktail party tonight, and instead Jojo is coming over for a pool party.

They’re all immediately drooling at the thought of her in a bikini except Chad, who obviously doesn’t need to see her in a bikini because, “I know what she probably looks like, I can tell through her dress.” Hey when you’re right, you’re right.

Now I’m pumped, because the pool party is what makes this a dramatic, two-part event.™

Chad wants to rip everybody’s limbs off so I assume that tonight he will, ya know, rip everybody’s limbs off? Here’s to hoping!!

Read last week’s recap here. 

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