Guys, we made it. The penultimate episode of The Bachelorette, where we get to FINALLY hear the intense opinions of boys who went home on night 3.
This shit kicks off by taking a look back at past Men Tell All memorable moments, and I’ll be the first to admit I NEVER saw the one where Ashley and JP got a god damn sonogram on TV. Like, wheeled the fucking machine out to see if they were having a boy or a girl. Have y’all never heard of cutting into a blue cake? What the fuck.
Welp, my house is filled to the rafters with zucchini noodles, so you know what that means: HOMETOWNS!! Guys, we’re down to the final four and if you aren’t stuffing your face with spiralized squash and Paul Newman’s Sockarooni sauce, ya ain’t doin’ hometowns right!!
Eric’s up first so Rachel is in Balitmore, and is Eric maybe attractive now? He isn’t in a suit that’s twelve sizes too large on him, so now it looks like he mysteriously grew 2 feet.
If I’m keeping it 100 right now, I literally cannot remember where these fucks are on a globe.
Norway? Denmark? It’s a been a pret-ty boozey two weeks since I last checked in with these noodles, so if I get any immediate details wrong please remember that I drank an entire bottle of champagne whilst floating around in a pool yesterday covered in SPF 50 from head to motherfucking toe, so I’m a lil cloudy.
I just want you guys to know that my god damn E key stopped working today, so please appreciate the fact that EVERY motherfucking E you see in this recap was typed by PASTING ONE. Just think about that. It’s so sad. (If I typd at my normal lightning spd, th sntncs would look lik this!! AHH!) That is how much I love you/am completely selfless.
If you’re wondering where we are in our EPIC JOURNEY TO FIND LOVE, it’s with ol’ racist Lee calling Kenny a “stack of bleeding muscle.” It is um, how you say, not good.
When was the last episode of The Bachelorette, 9 years ago? I suppose it feels like forever because all time is now measured in pre-Bachelor in Paradise shut down, and post-Bachelor in Paradise shut down.
Last we left off, creepy Eric was fucking pissed as shit at Lee, the cackling maniacal cabinet elf who pushes more buttons than a god damn astronaut. (And ya, I’m pret-ty sure astronauts push a lot of buttons.)
Boy, time flies when you’re just trying to get through each tiring, torturous day, doesn’t it? I’m kidding. (Am I?)
Last we left these noodles, DeMario was AT the mansion. He needed to talk to Rachel, and he needed to talk to her BAD!!!! So she walks up and he shakes her hand, which is both awkward and terrible.
DeMario comes clean about not being honest with her at the basketball court, and after a long ass conversation with his Uber driver (who I’m sure moments later deleted his app, burned his phone, put the ashes into an urn, flew them to the Serengeti and scattered them over a pile of giraffe shit), DeMario has realized he really fucked himself and his shot at love with Rachel.
Did you guys spend your Memorial Day poolside?! I went to Target.
It’s week two on the Bachelorette calendar, so we are officially IN IT! They immediately show Copper the dog STILL in a leg cast, and I’m pretty concerned/wondering when he is going to get it off. What if it’s like a human cast and he has to have it for twelve weeks and it’s the SAME twelve weeks as the show?? Ugh. I hope he isn’t in pain.
A.N.Y.W.A.Y. Chris Harrison hands them their first date card, but also says he hopes everybody is here for the right reasons, because if some people aren’t he doesn’t get paid as much. (That might not be correct.) Seems AWFULLY SUSPICIOUS that Chris says that out of the god damn blue. Makes me think someone ISN’T here for the right reasons DUN DUN DUNNN!!
And just like that, I’m back again. Like I’ve told all of my exes, “YOU CAN’T GET RID OF ME THAT EASILY!! MUAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!” as I disappear into a cloud of smoke.
I can’t tell you how absolutely TICKLED I am that The Bachelorette has started and my girl Rachel is getting her moment, so let us begin. Since we last saw her, Rachel’s been living in Dallas as an attorney, as evidenced by the fake footage of a trial where they literally make her say, “Objection!” into camera.
We are all that judge.
Like any thrill ride with twists, turns and things moving too fast, eventually it all comes to a stop and when it does, you have to try not to barf.
Let’s start with the fact that Chris Harrison says fin-ahh-lee, as in, word that rhymes with Bali. You fancy, Mr. Harrison! My Chicago-born ass is sitting here pronouncing things like a god damn soccer mom, “Let’s check out a pep rally in an alley before watching the finale.”
Back in Thailand Jojo has found herself in “a bit of a predicament,” which is the understatement of the year. Aaron Rodgers’ brother shows up to meet her family and gets out of a weird car holding weird flowers.
He is one of those guys who your parents think is charming, but your brothers know is a piece of shit. That is what is happening here, in Thailand, with the Fletchers. (In Thailand With The Fletchers is a new spin-off show I’m workshopping.)
I’m not sure why but he gives them all silly hats that are straight up out of a Mr. Potato Head box, and then Jojo’s mother proceeds to tell him that Jojo has trust issues. Hold. Up. If the first thing out of my mom’s mouth was emotional baggage filled with dirty laundry (“Whoa Sam, that was really cool what you did there, with those phrases” –You guys) I’d be like CAN IT, MA. Damn.
He explains that he and Jojo are best friends, and then he holds hands with her mom, they start sobbing hysterically, and light a unity candle while burning sage in their underwear. None of that actually happens, except the hand holding part.
Aaron Rodgers’ brother is feeling pret-ty good about himself and like every successful encounter he’s ever had with a woman, is thinking, “Nailed it!! Hit the locker room!” Except dude kind of sort of did NOT ask her father for her hand in marriage. Way to go, buddy. Way to fucking go.
There are two things that are important to Jojo: having a lot of eyelash extensions, and a man asking for her father’s blessing before he proposes. Aaron Rodgers’ brother really shit the bed on this one (which happens to be the name of his memoir).
It’s Robby’s turn to meet dem folks, and look at his skin tone:
Very blush colored. Bright but still in the pastel family, which is Robby’s favorite family ever in the whole wide world, including Jojo’s.
Robby tells a story that starts with, “In Uruguay, atop a cliff before we jumped-“ and it’s like c’mon, Robby. It’s not like you paid for this fucking trip so no need to act like you really swept her off your feet with your Expedia itinerary.
Anyway he tells her fambo that he was the first to say I love you to Jojo, and her father and I agree this is not a fucking accomplishment. Here is her father’s face when he tells him that:
He then asks both her parents for her hand in marriage and says a LOT OF WORDS, and honestly where are this boy’s cue cards?? Does he have an earpiece in? Either he has this speech written in smudgy ink on his hand or he has a secret MFA in theater because dude is CRUSHING IT.
Jojo’s dad is honored that Robby will be in their family and I hear myself going, “He won’t be though,” because like my refrigerator that is currently on the fritz, I like to spoil things.
Robby leaves and now Jojo and her family talk about the guys she’s fucking and I just cannot imagine my family doing any of this. Getting camera ready and sitting on a couch going, “Well Sam, you have to follow your heart…” In NO WORLD would anyone I’m related to do that and I respect the hell out of them for it.
Jojo finds out that Aaron Rodgers’ brother DID NOT ASK FOR HER HAND IN MARRIAGE and it like, upsets her to her core.
Her parents are basically like welp, Robby is the best, and Jojo gets actually pissed at them for it and starts throwing a teenage tempter tantrum, the theme of which is, “Oh OKAY so you’re all Team Robby then,” while she crosses her arms and won’t look any of them in the eye.
On Jojo and Robby’s final date he tells the weirdest story I have ever heard in my entire life. One day they’ll hear the pitter patter of little feet while cooking meatloaf but they’ll be laughing so much with their small children (that have identical hair bumps as Robby, I assume) that they’ll overcook the meatloaf but who cares because they’re happy and delivery pizza tastes better anyway? I’m like HUH???
At this point I’m very concerned for Robby because dude is like, TOO SURE about all of this. Also he gives her some photos he printed, so I guess we can all point blame at a certain CVS Photo Center employee who is clearly Reality Steve’s secret source for information.
Jojo’s date with Aaron Rodgers’ brother doesn’t seem to be going well, probably because girl starts playing the ultimate game of I’m Mad At You, Let’s See How Long It Takes You To Figure It Out. Obviously her first move is, “How was your conversation with my dad? Oh it was great? What did you talk about?” In the words of that thing from Star Wars, IT’S A TRAP!!!!
She is fucking mad and doesn’t understand how he doesn’t KNOW it will be them at the end and he’s kind of like uh, Robby? Remember Robby? He’s still here, right?
Speaking of the actual devil, before Robby picks out an engagement ring he brings us behind the curtain to witness how the fuck he gets his hair to look so insane. It is apparently a four step process, outlined below.
HA. Great. He then meets Neil Lane who says, “I’m Neil Lane,” to which Robby responds with, “I’m Robby Hayes.” Neil Lane doesn’t care about your last name, Robby!
He picks out a ring, it is very sparkly.
PS: what is Robby’s job? A job says a LOT about a person so it’s weird to me that besides once being a fucking swimmer, I have no idea what this fool does for a living.
Now Aaron Rodgers’ brother calls Jojo’s dad to ask for her hand in marriage because ya know, he done goofed earlier. He also writes her a letter that appears to have all of the words and makings of something I would not want to receive.
And now, it’s time. THE TIME. Jojo of course had a moment of clarity when she woke up this morning, which is what they all say in a last-ditch effort to make you think this betch really was torn until the second she says goodbye to one of them even know WE ALL KNOW she is only in love with one guy and has been playing the other one like a fucking fiddle for the sake of amazing television (which, for the record, I appreciate).
Whoever gets out of the limo first is a goner and I think we can all agree that there is only one person in the entire country of Thailand that these socks could possibly belong to.
Bye, Robby. He’s ready to propose, and I look over at my two beautiful friends Natalie and Jordan who are watching this with me and I realize that we are all holding our breaths, bracing for impact.
She dumps his ass and he is kind of like wait, what? Because see the magic of this show is they NEVER SEE IT COMING.
He rides home in the van wearing his seat belt all wrong, like somebody who has lost the will to live. It will get better, Robby! Don’t try to kill yourself in this weird production van!
And now, the part with all the love. Aaron Rodgers’ brother comes up to her and says a bunch of really great things that I hope someone says to me one day (NOT IN FRONT OF CAMERAS) and she is like I love you! So much! Yes! Yay! And they get engaged.
I MEAN look at these happy motherfuckers:
AFTER THE FINAL ROSE, we check back in with Chris Harrison who promises to stir up some Aaron Rodgers family drama so although it is getting late as fuck on the West Coast, I’m in.
Robby comes out and he is really not okay, which I get because girl made his heart explode into shrapnel like, two months ago. However I am not digging his checkered pocket square/tie/small lapel flower situation and I’ll say that on record. No need to transition from pastels to patterns, Robby. One of these days we’ll put you in a nice navy blue and see how ya do.
He explains to Chris Harrison that he honestly thought he was the only man left in Thailand by the end of it. Yikes. She tells him her heart was always with Aaron Rodgers’ brother which again confirms what I said earlier about how they are always in love with the one person the whole time and the rest is just television trickery.
Robby asks if she ever wonders about what their lives would’ve been like and she is like, no? I mean he really truly thinks that it came down to the last straw, and she was in love with him. He KEEPS SAYING that she said she was in love with him and it’s like Robby, let me help you out here: she was not in love with you. She was in love with Aaron Rodgers’ brother.
Also someone went a BIT aggressive with her hair extensions. Whoa.
Anyway at some point in the night Robby leaves and now Chad is saying he was ALSO a marine, it wasn’t just Luke and Alex and I’m like say what now? Did I smoke too much weed tonight? Where is he going with this?
They bring Aaron Rogers’ brother out and he and Jojo are ADORABLE together because let’s be real, she WOULD marry an NFL player who she literally already has mutual friends with. Duh. Makes so much sense. Also he is the most fuckable person on the show so it was kind of a no brainer here.
They just want to go to Chipotle together, okay? They want to go to Chipotle and then move into their NEW HOUSE IN DALLAS. If you’re eating Chipotle all I can say is I hope the new digs have more than one bathroom (that was a poop joke).
Chris Harrison attempts to ask about Aaron Rodgers and their family shit storm and they are not having it, which is a total letdown.
We end on Chris Harrison plugging the new season of Bachelor in Paradise, which he describes has, “Truly a train wreck.” If I didn’t have this intense obligation to all you fuckers I would be like hey, I’ll watch that shit this weekend and really relax but obviously I can’t do that so please GET EXCITED for my Bachelor in Paradise recaps, as they will start tomorrow!
It should be good. Paradise is really where they let the hinges fall off.
Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here.
I will also give you the option to follow me on Twitter.
Before we say goodbye to Aaron Rodgers’ brother forever, as a send off of sorts, let’s take a moment to appreciate the intense focus he has while doing his hair. He takes it VERY SERIOUSLY.
Thank you, that is all.
There’s been so much going on in the world lately that it’s important to gain some perspective and remember what really matters: grown men acting like little girls.
The Bachelorette’s Men Tell All kicks off with a producer yelling, “5, 4, 3, 2, 1…” as if this shit is live and everyone is scrambling around going, “Places, places!!” Spoiler alert, none of this is live. Nobody needs a countdown in their earpiece.
They of course open on Chad’s arrival, where he whistles like a sociopath while wearing an all black suit like he’s Johnny fucking Cash. They also give him a fictional movie trailer, which makes me actually laugh out loud because I know for a fact none of these dork noodles get trailers! MAYBE they get access to a craft services table. Maybe.
Chris Harrison gives us a sneak peak of Bachelor In Paradise, premiering next Tuesday on ABC.™ Here’s all you need to know about that:
Also they promise multiple proposals, so eat shit, Jade and Tanner!
Back in reality (where I am most comfortable), Chris introduces all of the men, including a bunch of people I forgot and one person I am positive I’ve never seen before in my entire life.
As Chris goes down the line to give everyone their 3 milliseconds of fame, Chase gets a HELL of an applause. Also, they introduce Luke after Chase. Um, guys? Chase was kicked off later than Luke. We all know that. You can’t go IN ORDER this entire time and then flip flop the two guys we remember mot vividly. I know you’re trying to tee up ol’ Luke for the Bachelor spot, but I’m pretty sure the crowd’s roaring reaction to Chase says it all.
They then recap the season, which can be summed up in one photo:
Or two:
Now we get into the MEAT of the drama. Chad and his deli snacks. Derek vs The Cool Kid Clique. I forgot everybody hated Alex, but they did. Wells goes in on him, saying that because Alex is a marine he has lived his entire adult life in conflict and doesn’t know how to be a normal person. Wells, Wells, Wells! Comin’ in with the zinger.
Randos start voicing their opinions too and it’s like guys, really? You were on the show for two days. Nobody cares what you thought about any of this shit. Thankfully the guy in the kilt doesn’t make a peep.
It’s time for Chad to come out, and every single guy there is freaking the fuck out. They are all scared as shit, like they’re about to do a seance and resurrect Satan himself.
Turns out it’s for good reason, because since filming Chad has fucked TWO of their ex-girlfriends, which just goes to show that he was NOT KIDDING when he spewed all that shit about how his crazy ass was NOT going to back down once the show did.
Chris Harrison is all, “So just to clarify, Hope is Robby’s ex-girlfriend and Jen is Grant’s ex-girlfriend?” Chad’s like YEP, and they dumped those broads the second a Bachelor producer got them on the horn. Then I fucked them.
Nick stands up and is ready to fight, which is such an empty threat I can’t even. Oh, you’re really undoing your cufflinks to fight him right now? Sit down, Santa. You’re embarrassing yourself.
They don’t fight, because Chad explains that if they DID, they would slip and fall in their dress shoes and it would look stupid. When he’s right, he’s right! Best excuse to get out of a fight, maybe ever.
Some of the other guys throw insults his way and he CLAPS BACK with, “Your pocket square doesn’t match your shirt.” Oooo, burn! Got ya, bitch. Classic matching diss.
Except now Chad says that Robby threatened to beat up his ex-girlfriend if she talked about their relationship to the press. Look I’m certainly not on Team Robby, not now not ever, but there is NO WAY Robby said he was going to BEAT HER UP. What was he gonna do, roll up his linen shirt, kick off his loafers and pound her face in? Doubt it.
Evan wants his wormy time on camera, so they talk about the infamous shirt ripping. Turns out Chris Harrison “pulled the tapes” from what I assume is the dusty old library where they keep all the footage of people sobbing in the backs of vans, so we are going to be able to watch it back and discuss. I personally think Evan was being aggressive/a little bitch, but I’m not the ref here.
Luke is in the hot seat, and I completely forgot that when he first met Jojo he rode in on a unicorn, so there’s that. He explains that after he went home he was having anxiety attacks a couple times a week and it’s like yeah, bro, I bet you were. That shit looked fucking traumatic. Here’s him watching back said trauma:
Chris Harrison keeps saying things to him like, “So you’re ready to find love again?” and it’s like we get it, you want him to be the next Bachelor. But if that applause meant anything, I’m thinking America wants Chase.
Chase talks to Chris next, and boi is looking pret-ty fucking good.
For as boring as I found him week after week, I’m starting to really get on the Chase bandwagon. Sure, he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed, but it’s not like Ben Higgins was a fucking rocket scientist. (“Should that be my next career move?” -Ben)
Jojo finally comes out to face more ex-boyfriends than anyone should ever have in their lives, and here’s how Luke and Chase are feeling about seeing her:
James T. tells her that she’s better than all of the dating apps (LOL). Chad does the opposite of that, and tells her that Robby broke up with his ex to be on the show and Jordan is a fame whore whose own brother won’t speak to him. In my mind he then immediately made finger guns with both hands and mimed blowing them out. Jojo’s not thrilled about what he has to say.
Now Alex wants to know how Jojo feels about the way they broke up. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say she probably feels nothing.
Vinny’s mom shows up to do some kind of comedy bit about how great Vinny is, and it’s like honey, I don’t even recognize Vinny without his weird hairline so you’re going to need to slow down and then also point him out to me.
And put your belly button away, Derek. Gross.
Jojo talks to Luke and Chase, and it’s the classic Men Tell All-type shit where they really want closure but she seems like she really DGAF. In like, a nice way though.
We wrap up by watching a blooper reel where Jojo gets mauled by a wild dog.
Was that supposed to be funny?! Jesus Christ. Terrifying. Next week, Jojo is a hysterical mess! Do they fly Neil Lane to Thailand? I bet they do!!
Read the fantasy suite recap here. Or other ones here.
Or read my Twitter feed. It’s kind of silly.
PS, is this whole special just a round-up of suspected sex predators? More on that at eleven:
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