I just want you guys to know that my god damn E key stopped working today, so please appreciate the fact that EVERY motherfucking E you see in this recap was typed by PASTING ONE. Just think about that. It’s so sad. (If I typd at my normal lightning spd, th sntncs would look lik this!! AHH!) That is how much I love you/am completely selfless.
If you’re wondering where we are in our EPIC JOURNEY TO FIND LOVE, it’s with ol’ racist Lee calling Kenny a “stack of bleeding muscle.” It is um, how you say, not good.
Bryan gets the group date rose, because he knows what Rachel wants and that’s a big wet tongue down her throat.
Really though, I think she likes that. Anyway so Lee just KEEPS calling Kenny “aggressive” and it’s honestly stressing everybody the fuck out. What’s stressing me out (besides this E key fiasco and the fact that I might throw myself off a building soon because of it), is that Lee can’t totally open his eye and might have a stye.
Hot compress, my man. You’ll be okay. Kenny whispers over and over to Lee that he’s a little bitch, and it is truly making me giggle. It’s great. Lee IS a little bitch!
But it’s time to move on to Jack Stone’s date. I’m not sure why I keep adding his last name whenever I mention him, but it’s something I’m compelled to do.
So Jack Stone’s up, and they eat oysters and attempt to dance.
Jack is NOT good at dancing, and every girl in my living room is screaming at the TV while shielding their eyes from the awkwardness. (I have quite the lady posse here tonight. What can I say, I love bad bitches and it is in no way a problem).
Look, let’s be real. Jack seems like a nice guy. Socially awkward, sure. But nothing can prepare us for him leaning in for a kiss and Rachel physically grimacing away from him.
It is BRUTAL. She tries to say she’s sick or some shit, but we all know what’s going on here. Ya would’ve happily passed your germs to BRYAN, ya dig?
Back at the hotel, the tight sweatshirt club has a meeting.
Will tries to explain the historically problematic connotation the term “aggressive” has against black men in this country to Lee and on the outside Lee is all, “Ohhhhh!!!!” but on the inside I’m pretty sure he’s like, “Yeah I know, that’s why I said it.”
Meanwhile Jack and Rachel attempt to get through what is possibly the most strange dinner in Bachelor history. Jack keeps saying weird things, like how he thinks he knows Rachel’s dad (?), all while looking like a straight up Marvel villain.
He just wants to lock Rachel in his house and take all his furniture out so they can sit on the floor and eat soup or something, I don’t even know, but as soon as Rachel hears the words “lock the doors,” the jig is up. Jack’s gotta go, guys. He gone.
The next day Rachel decides there won’t be a cocktail party, so Lee uses the extra time to pomade his hair.
The rose ceremony is not very exciting because although Kenny and Lee are the last two to get roses, we KNOW they have a 2 on 1 date coming up so there is no twist ending. Bye Jonathan, bye Iggy. (Jonathan gives her one last tickle for the road and I hate every god damn second of it.)
Next stop on the love train? OSLO, NORWAY! Which is actually pretty dope. Bryan gets the one on one and they rappel down a ski shoot or something.
That’s a big no gracias for me. As you know, I’m a pussy ass bitch when it comes to that shit. (My ideal date takes place on my couch with Indian food.)
Once they’re done dangling over a parking lot they have dinner, and Rachel cannot stop smiling. She tells him all her secrets, like how her sister was the pretty one and she was the cool one and let me tell you, that is something I identify with. (Except my sister is pretty AND cool, and I’m just like, weird with a great ass?)
Bryan tells her he’s falling in love with her and I can’t tell if she’s happy about that or not.
I kid. She’s happier than a fat kid loves camp (That’s the saying, right?). He gets a rose. Obvi.
On the giant group date they play handball and some Norwegian coach tells them that, “Handball is life,” which is mos def my new catch phrase. (My boss tomorrow: Hey Sam, do you have any joke punch-ups for page 6? Me: Handball is life.)
There are SO many dudes wearing cups, but none as eye catching as Dean, who is wearing his outside of his uniform and the producers of the show refuse to comment on it. It’s so silly.
Later on the group date, the app spread is unreal.
Is that a tuna on crispy rice situation? Do I see fresh melon? Noyce.
Alex reads her a poem (bleh) and Josiah lays on the very generic charm. Rachel calls him out on it and is like look buddy, you’re cute and all, but you’ve literally asked me zero questions. You might not even like me, you might just like what you’ve read about me. His response is basically, “Cool, cool, love that you said that.”
But everybody needs to watch out for my man Peter, because he takes her INTO A HOT TUB that has literally materialized out of thin air.
Um, is it one thousand degrees in here, or am I just now realizing I have a thing for class rings?
Shit is steamy. They come back from their wine-filled aquatic slow grind and the rest of the boys are like whoa, you were gone a long time, Peter!
Will gets the group date rose, which concerns Peter even though spoiler alert, Peter is going to be JUST FINE. You’re going to find love, babe, and it might even be with one of the horny ass girls who are sitting on my couch right now.
But it’s time for what we’ve all been waiting for: Lee and Kenny’s 2 on 1 date. Lee preps by lifting weights in flare jeans from Wet Seal, probably.
Now I don’t know how to say this to you guys, it’s truthfully hard to talk about, but on the date Rachel wears a ring over her gloves.
It’s terrible. They helicopter out into the middle of the fucking forest, where they are dropped onto what looks like a display at Anthropologie.
Kenny talks to her first and it goes well. He brings up Lee a little bit, but it’s pretty minimal and he keeps his cool. But then LEE talks to her, slimy ass Lee, and he tells her that Kenny physically pulled him out of a car. Rachel’s like what?
So she goes BACK to Kenny and tells HIM what Lee said, and Kenny is pissed as fuck. He straight up walks over to Lee just CACKLING like a MANIAC who is about to chop Lee up into tiny pieces and puree him into split Lee soup (thank you, I just made that joke up on the spot!).
We of course have to wait until tonight to see what happens (TWO NIGHT EVENT, Y’ALL™), because it would be really strange if a two night event wrapped everything up on the first night, you know? Showbusiness, man. I tell ya. Check back tomorrow for part two of this mess!
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Our bonus footage today is a map of Oslo, so you guys understand where this shit is going down!! Who doesn’t love geography?! So neat.