The Bachelor finale recap: “Nick’s Desperate Search For Love”

santa in the woods bachelor


The first thing to remember about the end of Nick’s journey is that Chris Harrison pronounces the word finale fin-AH-lee.

chris harrison excited

He just loves saying it like that. Chris also loves being a grade-A cock tease, because he immediately tells us that some shit is about to go down on After the Final Rose tonight, which leads me to believe maybe there will be a proposal on live television. A girl can dream.

So they’re still in this town in Finland, and I’m starting to wonder if Nick is getting sick of drinking hot chocolate and wearing polar tech socks, but maybe our Wisco boy is into that shit.

His family is there to meet the girls, and the fact that this could potentially be the THIRD time Nick gets rejected by some ho for our entertainment has his mother feeling like she’s stuck in a god damn Westworld loop.

nick's mom scared

She is muy triste about this whole thing. His dad, on the exact same hand, describes Nick being on this show as, “excruciating.” Family trauma aside,  it’s nice to see that they have an excellent variety of wines in Finland.

wines in finland

Did they not say, “Hey, are we feeling like red or white tonight? Or possibly rosé?” Like, that is so many wines on that table! Open one bottle at a time like human beings!

Raven meets the family first even though she’s already met half of them, and she sits and talks with her BFF/Nick’s little sister Bella, who looks identical to a young Jennifer Garner.

bella viall

Meanwhile Nick’s mom is unraveling faster than a sweater caught on a winter’s branch (“What the fuck?” –You guys, to my writing). She needs a god damn Xanax. Basically his entire family is shaking in their waterproof boots at the mere thought of someone saying no to him again. They really cannot handle it.

When it’s Vanessa’s turn to meet them, she starts by telling the barf date story, which his mom finds endearing.

nick's mom happy.JPG

After Nick’s dad meets Vanessa he is basically like son, you gotta type. You can’t ALWAYS date strong girls who crush you in the palm of their hand, aight?

Vanessa asks Nick’s dad if love is enough to make a marriage work and he just goes NOPE. NOPE IT’S NOT. Before bursting into tears.

nick's dad.JPG

Everything alright in the Viall household?

Now everybody is freaking the fuck out about how Nick should only propose once in his life and it has to be perfect or else he wastes his purity or some shit, and it’s very confusing to me. Do y’all have a calendar? It’s 2017. The fucking world isn’t going to explode if he ends an engagement. Pret-ty sure he can still be a happy, functioning adult. Maybe.

On their final date Vanessa and Nick go snow horsing, which is a phrase I just made up.

snow horsing bachelor

They stop at a tiny hut and I swear to fucking god, Santa Claus comes out of it speaking Finnish. I am dead, officially dead. This is the best thing The Bachelor franchise has ever done.

finnish santa claus

Also, mystical ass Santa is like, four times larger than Vanessa:

santa's house.JPG

They tell Santa what they want for Christmas, and Santa gives them a shitty wall hanging that says Niko + Venla. This makes me giggle uncontrollably.

niko and venla

Niko and Venla!! That is rich.

But Vanessa is scared, guys! She’s tripping balls, in fact, and feels like something is off. It’s probably the other betch staying in the villa next to you, but what the fuck do I know.

She starts challenging Nick, saying that everything he says to her is very general. This is a great observation, and a lesson for women the world over! If your man can’t be specific about his feelings, he might be a fuck boi. Anyway long ass story short, she is a big ol’ ball of cry.

vanessa crying

On Raven’s final date they go ice skating and it is adorable, although I would be VERY uncomfortable if someone picked me up on ice skates if I wasn’t wearing a helmet.

nick holding raven.JPG

Seems PELIGROSO (dangerous). Nick then brings out PUPPIES and I hear myself say, “Shut the fuck up,” as I take another swig of my beer. I’m happy, Raven’s happy, errbody loves pups.

raven and puppies.JPG

Ugh. Dogs are the best.

Later in the evening they talk, and although they are cute as shit, she seems to be a little too confident. Verrrrry sure of herself and if I know one thing about this DVR freak show, it’s that over confidence gets your ass sent home in a black SUV.

For the big day, they fly Neil Lane all the way to god damn Finland even though I’m positive Nick could’ve just as easily accepted a UPS parcel full of diamonds. BUT, most importantly, who the fuck is the person on the bottom right of this screen:

ncil lane person.JPG

UM, I see you, random producer or possibly Vanessa. Who the FUCK is that!!

So now it’s time for THE MOMENT. Raven is in sparkly grayish blue, while Vanessa is in black, so let’s see who gets out of the car first and is therefore about to get her ass handed to her:

raven's dress.JPG

Oh, Raven. Poor thing.

Nick waits inside, where someone has apparently projectile vomited seasonal home décor, and when I say projectile I do mean some Exorcist level shit. Just turned 360 degrees while launching faux fur throw blankets onto every possible surface.

bachelor proposal room

As soon as Raven walks up, Nick looks ill. Like, in need of Pepto ill.

nick dumps raven.JPG

She delivers a heart felt speech about love, and when he responds to her about their relationship, she begins to realize something is amiss.

raven knows.JPG

Probably the part where he isn’t saying I love you and is just standing there sobbing like he’s about to put his dog down.

And so he does it, he breaks her heart, and the first words out of her mouth  are, “I’ll never regret standing here telling you how I feel.” UM, are you 25 with a soul that is one million? That shit is MATURE. I feel like I would sigh dramatically before shouting, “THIS DAY FRICKIN’ SUUUUCKS!!!”

raven crying car

We suddenly cut back to Chris Harrison with the live studio audience and he just goes, “That was hard to watch.” I’m sure Raven is backstage brushing her insanely long hair going no shit, Chris. It was hard to LIVE!

Now it’s Vanessa’s shot at glory, and when Nick tells her he loves her she looks exactly like I do when I’m eating ice cream.

vanessa happy face.JPG

He gets down on one knee and proposes, but calls her Vermessa? Is that an inside joke or something? YOU AREN’T ALLOWED TO HAVE INSIDE JOKES YET, GUYS. WE’RE STILL HERE, WATCHING YOU.

nick vanessa proposalvanessa rose in finland.JPG

On the After the Final Rose, the only thing you need to know in the first half is that Vanessa and Nick come out and it is painfully strange. Chris asks them about their relationship and she’s like YEP SHIT’S HARD and he’s like YEAH SHE’S HARD.

I think they watched the finale back stage together and are now in a fight.

But nothing can top what is to come, because Chris Harrison springs it on our next Bachelorette Rachel that her journey to find love starts right now. Yep, she is going to meet some of the dudes RIGHT NOW, on live television.

She doesn’t want to believe it, probably because it’s fucking annoying and weird that they’re rolling out a giant poster of the mansion for a backdrop.

Honey if you want awkward television, THIS, is awkward television. Guys come out and meet her and this bro doesn’t know if he’s supposed to shake her hand, kiss it, or hug her, so he does them all at the same time just to be safe.

awkward hand shake final rose rachel

Then the next guy literally looks at her dead in the eye and goes, “I’m ready to go black……… and I’m never going back.”

black go back racehl bachelorette final rose.JPG

I am crawling out of my fucking skin at this point. He also doesn’t know how to exit the stage and my phone is blowing the fuck up right now, the theme of the texts being ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

All we get is a taste for now. We’ll have to wait until May 23rd for the rest of Rachel’s love story.

Read all of my recaps here. Follow me on Twitter. Stalk me on Instagram.

Not to be sappy as shit, but thanks for reading these recaps and keeping up with me all season. It’s been quite a JOURNEY for all of us, and it’s been a god damn pleasure to write funny jokes for you. You know what they say, laughter is the best medicine besides penicillin!

Be sure to click all over my website for other silly things, like this short story about Beyonce and Michelle Obama, or perhaps this neat gif.

I will leave you with this, a photo of me on night 1 of Nick’s season, 9 long weeks ago:

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