The Bachelor recap: “I’ve Never Had An Orgasm Before”

raven-never-had-an-orgasm-before

BTW, here’s my Oscars recap in two words: SHIT STORM!

We last left off in Nick’s hotel room before the rose ceremony, where Andi Dorfman had suddenly shown up at his door. They both need a whisky, as we all do when we are about to talk to someone we boned on television.

nick andi talk bachelor.JPG

Meanwhile the girls are standing outside waiting for this fool and it looks cold as shit. (“You better be worth this, Nick!” –Vanessa, who has been very complain-y lately)

bachelor final four.JPG

But Nick sits with Andi, and starts doing that weird drunk thing where you disclose too much information about your feelings. He is one sip of Maker’s Mark away from leaning in to her and going, “Fuck it, they might all go home tonight, I don’t give a shit.”

Then Andi does something even WEIRDER, which is act all casual and go, “So are you going to have sex with any of them?” She is suddenly the “cool mom” who wants to know if you’ve like, ever tried pot? ‘Cause you know it would be totally cool by me if you did.

andi cool mom.JPG

Mind ya business, betch!

She is also randomly justifying him fucking all three girls in the fantasy suite? If I’m being totally honest with myself I don’t really understand what is going on in this conversation, because they’re acting like friends when I know they are NOT FRIENDS and she wrote in her book that the night of their fantasy suite he asked if she wanted to “make love or fuck,” which she felt was VERY INAPPROPRIATE, even though I find that question to be pretty fucking hot. Andi and I are different people. It’s fine.

But now it’s like hey Nick, let’s fucking wrap this sex convo up, alright? You have four smoking hot bitches downstairs who are freezing their god damn ASSES off in FULL MAKEUP while you chat with your ex about the strange sex you had before she broke your heart into so many pieces it looked like my Laura Mercier loose setting powder. (Which if you do not own, you should buy immediately. This is the kind I use and I am very, very passionate about it.)

It’s time to give out roses (Bye, Andi! You’re boring!) and Raven gets one, then Rachel.

nick rose to rachel.JPG

I’m sorry, but is there not something shady as hell going on here? How is Rachel the next bachelorette and is STILL on the show? I am more confused than the time I was slightly less confused than this time. (“Huh?” -you guys)

Vanessa gets the final rose, and my babygirl Corinne has seen better days.

corinne-sobbing-bachelor

Nick walks her out and she is SO SAD and it’s making ME SAD and I want to tell her that we are all here for you, Corinne. You will get through this. You’ll have 40 Papa John’s pizzas, you’ll down some champs, and then you’ll begin to get your aforementioned pizza-bod prepped and ready for the most dramatic season ever™ of Bachelor in Paradise. You’re going to be fine. You’re going to THRIVE!

corinne so sad cry.JPG

All of her sads are making me feel like I’m watching The Truman Show and I’m that character who lives in his bathtub and just eats fucking sandwiches in there and clings to the shower curtain when Truman is drowning. Shout out to the twelve people who got that reference.

But suddenly Corinne is on a feminist rant in the limo about how she is done trying to impress men and done trying to say the right shit, and I am LIVING FOR IT.

corinne feminist rant.JPG

If she had stood on a podium at the women’s march and said that shit people would have applauded and cheered and whipped their pink pussy hats all around! Of course she probably couldn’t go to the march, because she was stuck in a hotel room on this god damn show.

So the final three are off to Finland with Nick, and ABC shows us Finland on an animated map as if we are in a Mary Kate and Ashley movie (I’m almost positive this specifically happened in Winning London, but it could’ve easily been in Passport to Paris also.)

map of finland.JPG

PS, it looks cold as fucking shit there.

Raven gets the first one on one, and I am immediately panicked about if helicopters can fly when the air is so freezing. Do they need to deice it? I feel like I would feel so much better about air travel if I started reading airplane manuals. Are those classified? Something to look into.

holicopter in ice.JPG

So Nick and Raven fly around, then chill in a bar and play darts, and I have to say Raven is GLOWING, probz from happiness but also from the actual fire in front of her.

raven nick finland.JPG

They talk about what life would be like, and Raven tells him she can’t cook but she owns a clothing store, so honey can fold. It is precious, and when he says he’s good at ironing she responds with, “I’ll introduce you to a steamer.”

I do not know WHY it makes me so happy but I am literally giggling alone in my apartment thinking to myself, “Steamers ARE the best! They are in love!!” The mind is a complex organ, kids.

But then we learn that Raven is nervous because she has never told anyone she loved them and also has never had an orgasm.

…I’m sorry, WHAT?

WHAT?

WHAT?

Here are my recap notes right now:

never had an orgasm bachelor.JPG

Like, she’s never had someone give her one, or she has never had one in general? Because those are two very different things and if she’s never had one ever I want to shake her and be like GURL, you’re working too hard at that clothing store! Look what your life has become!

They go to dinner, and I am truly feeling for her in this moment because it is REALLY hard to tell someone you love them when they are wearing a chunky turtleneck.

nick bachelor chunky turtleneck.JPG

That might be the realest thing I have ever written. Ever. And that includes all my childhood diaries when I poured my heart out about hoping Jon liked me and having $208 dollars in my bank account. (Update: Jon still doesn’t like me, my bank account is doing marginally better.)

Also now Nick is suffering from a case of what I like to call the Turtleneck Panics:

nick bothered by turtleneck.JPG

Finally Raven works up the courage and tells him she loves him. It is SO FUCKING CUTE, and afterwards she admits that her hands are sweaty, which is a total Sam Jarvis move and I love it.

Nick gives her the fantasy suite invitation and this, my friend, is one fake ass key:

fake-key-bachelor-fantasy-suite

That doesn’t unlock jack shit. I bet a producer bought it near the register at some trinket shop where they also sell mood rings and whimsical pins.

Raven then does something I wish she did not do, which is tell him that her ex never gave her an orgasm. Welp, this is awkward. NO PRESSURE, NICK. She’s just expecting the most explosive O of her life tonight, NBD. Does she know about telling him, “a little to the right,” or is he going to be fishing around down there like a captain lost at sea?

raven dinner date.JPG

But Nick isn’t sure he wants to have sex with any of the girls, and it’s like then WHY did you fly Andi to god damn Brooklyn to talk about fucking them? She got a BLOW OUT for that segment.

We leave off with Nick and Raven making out under the Northern Lights, even though I am willing to bet a ridiculous amount of money (at least $208) that this particular coloring was added in post-production:

northern lights.JPG

Read last week’s recap here. Or a shit ton of other ones here

AND follow me on Twitter. That part’s mandatory.

Next week will be a THREE HOUR BACHELOR EVENT, where we see the rest of Raven’s date, Rachel’s date, Vanessa’s whiny ass date, AND the Women Tell All. Do you guys know how much fucking WORK that is for me?! Clear my schedule! Hold my calls! But you guys are all worth it, because you always post my recaps and share them with every single person you know. Right?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Sigh.

Here’s some bonus footage from Nick’s weird Rocky warm up montage at the end:

nick-mountain-man

One thought on “The Bachelor recap: “I’ve Never Had An Orgasm Before”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s