If I’m keeping it 100 right now, I literally cannot remember where these fucks are on a globe.
Norway? Denmark? It’s a been a pret-ty boozey two weeks since I last checked in with these noodles, so if I get any immediate details wrong please remember that I drank an entire bottle of champagne whilst floating around in a pool yesterday covered in SPF 50 from head to motherfucking toe, so I’m a lil cloudy.
I just want you guys to know that my god damn E key stopped working today, so please appreciate the fact that EVERY motherfucking E you see in this recap was typed by PASTING ONE. Just think about that. It’s so sad. (If I typd at my normal lightning spd, th sntncs would look lik this!! AHH!) That is how much I love you/am completely selfless.
If you’re wondering where we are in our EPIC JOURNEY TO FIND LOVE, it’s with ol’ racist Lee calling Kenny a “stack of bleeding muscle.” It is um, how you say, not good.
And just like that, I’m back again. Like I’ve told all of my exes, “YOU CAN’T GET RID OF ME THAT EASILY!! MUAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!” as I disappear into a cloud of smoke.
I can’t tell you how absolutely TICKLED I am that The Bachelorette has started and my girl Rachel is getting her moment, so let us begin. Since we last saw her, Rachel’s been living in Dallas as an attorney, as evidenced by the fake footage of a trial where they literally make her say, “Objection!” into camera.
We are all that judge.
BABYLUVS. WE DID IT. WE ARE AT THE END OF THE LONG, TWISTED, THROW PILLOW LINED ROAD.
The first thing to remember about the end of Nick’s journey is that Chris Harrison pronounces the word finale fin-AH-lee.
He just loves saying it like that. Chris also loves being a grade-A cock tease, because he immediately tells us that some shit is about to go down on After the Final Rose tonight, which leads me to believe maybe there will be a proposal on live television. A girl can dream.
So they’re still in this town in Finland, and I’m starting to wonder if Nick is getting sick of drinking hot chocolate and wearing polar tech socks, but maybe our Wisco boy is into that shit.
Guys. Grab a snack, pour a beverage, and try to pee, because we are about to settle in for a three hour Bachelor event®, which is longer than I attend most real-life events.
We jump right into the morning-after phase of Raven’s overnight date, and if you’re wondering whether or not he gave her the first orgasm of her sad life, she summarizes the night by explaining that, “Nick is pretty good at what he does, so I’m satisfied.”
I immediately hear myself say ew, while my boyfriend goes, “That lacked subtlety,” before standing up and leaving the room for what I assume will be forever.
