Let me start by saying that I watched the first 70% of this finale in Kevin Connolly’s sports bar stuffing my face with rosé and mozzarella sticks, like a woman after my own heart. But then I had to leave early so I could get home and start this recap for you guys because I LITERALLY WORK 24 HOURS A DAY. (Except when I am in my underwear watching The Office.)
Like me when I’ve got a Ticketmaster cart full of Beiber pit seats that is :27 from expiring, we are DOWN TO THE WIRE. We’ve got Eric, Peter and Bryan left, so I am settling in for a night of steamy fantasy suites. At least Raven “I’ve never had an orgasm” isn’t here. That shit was a DOWNER.
But Rachel explains that her sister is pregnant as shit, so instead of being separated and meeting her family when it’s down to two, all three of them are going to mosey on over to Casa Lindsay one by one and get that outta the way. I don’t hate it, because honestly the last thing I’d want to do the day after I bone someone for the first time is introduce them to my entire family. 🙂
Welp, my house is filled to the rafters with zucchini noodles, so you know what that means: HOMETOWNS!! Guys, we’re down to the final four and if you aren’t stuffing your face with spiralized squash and Paul Newman’s Sockarooni sauce, ya ain’t doin’ hometowns right!!
Eric’s up first so Rachel is in Balitmore, and is Eric maybe attractive now? He isn’t in a suit that’s twelve sizes too large on him, so now it looks like he mysteriously grew 2 feet.
If I’m keeping it 100 right now, I literally cannot remember where these fucks are on a globe.
Norway? Denmark? It’s a been a pret-ty boozey two weeks since I last checked in with these noodles, so if I get any immediate details wrong please remember that I drank an entire bottle of champagne whilst floating around in a pool yesterday covered in SPF 50 from head to motherfucking toe, so I’m a lil cloudy.
THIS SHIT IS ANOTHER TWO HOURS?! Jesus Christ, Chris Harrison. You crazy.
We last left Rachel on the 2 on 1 date, contemplating life while leaning on a very mossy tree.
That tree’s fake, right? They for sure brought that shit in. I find it highly sus.
Meanwhile Kenny is screaming at Lee, and although they basically have to bleep every word out of his mouth for an entire minute, I’m pretty sure at one point he says, “I’m going to drag my dick across your grave,” which is honestly the best thing I’ve ever heard. (These are the types of visuals that I, as a writer, strive to create.)
I just want you guys to know that my god damn E key stopped working today, so please appreciate the fact that EVERY motherfucking E you see in this recap was typed by PASTING ONE. Just think about that. It’s so sad. (If I typd at my normal lightning spd, th sntncs would look lik this!! AHH!) That is how much I love you/am completely selfless.
If you’re wondering where we are in our EPIC JOURNEY TO FIND LOVE, it’s with ol’ racist Lee calling Kenny a “stack of bleeding muscle.” It is um, how you say, not good.
When was the last episode of The Bachelorette, 9 years ago? I suppose it feels like forever because all time is now measured in pre-Bachelor in Paradise shut down, and post-Bachelor in Paradise shut down.
Last we left off, creepy Eric was fucking pissed as shit at Lee, the cackling maniacal cabinet elf who pushes more buttons than a god damn astronaut. (And ya, I’m pret-ty sure astronauts push a lot of buttons.)
Did you guys spend your Memorial Day poolside?! I went to Target.
It’s week two on the Bachelorette calendar, so we are officially IN IT! They immediately show Copper the dog STILL in a leg cast, and I’m pretty concerned/wondering when he is going to get it off. What if it’s like a human cast and he has to have it for twelve weeks and it’s the SAME twelve weeks as the show?? Ugh. I hope he isn’t in pain.
A.N.Y.W.A.Y. Chris Harrison hands them their first date card, but also says he hopes everybody is here for the right reasons, because if some people aren’t he doesn’t get paid as much. (That might not be correct.) Seems AWFULLY SUSPICIOUS that Chris says that out of the god damn blue. Makes me think someone ISN’T here for the right reasons DUN DUN DUNNN!!
And just like that, I’m back again. Like I’ve told all of my exes, “YOU CAN’T GET RID OF ME THAT EASILY!! MUAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!” as I disappear into a cloud of smoke.
I can’t tell you how absolutely TICKLED I am that The Bachelorette has started and my girl Rachel is getting her moment, so let us begin. Since we last saw her, Rachel’s been living in Dallas as an attorney, as evidenced by the fake footage of a trial where they literally make her say, “Objection!” into camera.
We are all that judge.
Hope you’re wearing deodorant, because this season of The Real Housewives of Atlanta is gonna be a HOT MESS. In the best way possible.
We kick off season 8 with a quick teaser of what the future holds and I will summarize by saying, “Shit is going down.” Buckle up, kiddos, next stop Crazytown (“On a railroad that is actually under the ground??” –Porsha).
Everyone’s tag lines are solid even though they are no Aviva Drescher, “They’re just pulling my leg.” Also none of their kids are in the opening, I assume because Riley’s dope ass was like oh HELL no, I can’t be associated with these people.
Porsha leaves baby-voiced messages for her 24-year-old boyfriend while she is on a “break from work.” It’s not like you work at Best Buy, girl. I don’t think you’re calling him during your ten minute smoke break. Meanwhile we find out that Dr. Jackie from Married to Medicine is the one who knocked up Kandi and Todd and it’s like SYNERGY!! Love it.
Phaedra explains that ever since Apollo got thrown in the clink, she and Porsha have become bosom buddies. She then says, “Got milk?” and here is how satisfied she is with that joke:
Cracks herself up. She updates us on Apollo by saying insanely proper and hilarious sentences like, “Apollo and I correspond quite frequently, we’re cordial.” She is an American Girl doll come to life and I fucking love her for it.
Peter gets back from Charlotte and is greeted by Cynthia’s salty ass drinking like she just watched an Instagram video of her husband cheating on her. Which is exactly what she did, so this is all adding up nicely.
They play a slow motion version of the video and I am like PRAISE ANDY because when that shit first came out I watched it and my stupid fucking brain was like wait what? Then I played it again and was still like wait what? Shit was going too fast. The slo-mo version makes my eyes get wide and I’m like OHHH SHIIIIIT!! Peter, you fuckin’ dog! Clear as day that man is doing something he is not supposed to be doing. No way around that.
Except he DOES think there is a way around that (he has apparently not seen the slow motion version) so he goes in for the kiss and Cynthia is like NOPE. Rejected. She gets into it with him and after she says it looks like he was touching the neck slash tit of some ho he literally goes, “That’s what it looks like to you?” Umm, yeah Peter. That is what it looks like to her. She may wear too much eye makeup sometimes but not SO much that her eyelids are weighed the fuck down by it. She can see the shit that’s in front of her.
Meanwhile Porsha’s new boyfriend Duke comes to meet her at a hotel. I don’t care that he’s younger, you do you. But maybe don’t dress like you’re an actual middle schooler with a backpack.
Porsha agrees with me and is like, “Take the backpack off.” Suddenly I am positive Porsha and I are soul sisters and I’ll be honest that is both exciting and terrifying. She requests the best champagne the hotel has to offer, which is Cupcake. If that is the fanciest champs they have she is staying in the presidential suite of a Motel 6. That shit is $12 a bottle. You may have fooled Duke (and his backpack) but you are not fooling me.
Kenya shows Cynthia her new house and on the way there Kenya is already throwing so much fuckin shade at her neighbor Sheree “Who gon’ check me, boo?” Whitfield. Since I know Sheree is rejoining the cast this season I can’t help but let out a deep, full-belly cackle at the realization that Kenya is coming for her ass. Yes, yes. I am so fucking in.
In Cynthia’s latest business venture, she has been pooping eyewear. Her words, not mine. Also I know eyewear is the chic word but really she is selling sunglasses, okay? That’s like someone selling “cotton half sleeves.” Oh, you mean t-shirts? K.
We now learn that Todd’s been keeping Apollo’s shit for him while he’s in jail. Look, I’m a great friend. I’ll pick you up from the airport. I’ll feed your cats. But I am not keeping fucking dirt bikes in my garage for you for EIGHT YEARS. Like, no.
Cynthia is tryna launch her sunglasses ahem EYEWEAR, but is also asking her sister Malorie if she thinks Peter cheated on her in the Instagram video. This is the same Malorie that HID YOUR MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE on the day of your wedding so you couldn’t marry him, correct? I’m sure she’s going to say, “Cynthia, you’re crazy! Peter is an amazing man and he would never do that!” Wait- she doesn’t say that. She looks right at her and goes, “Yup.”
It’s time for Cynthia’s sunglass I MEAN EYEWEAR launch, and I’m not seeing any passed apps, only passed sunglasses on trays that look like they should have crab puffs on them. Not to be rude, but if you don’t have cocktail weenies I am out.
Peter walks in looking like Tommy Jamaica and immediately catches heat from Kenya. Do not mess with Kenya tonight. She is twirling her way into the shadiest corner of the room.
Malorie tells the entire group that Cynthia said she wasn’t attracted to Peter with his clothes off. God dammit, Malorie! That is your sister! She doesn’t want any of them knowing that until this shit AIRS, okay? This is their reaction to the information:
Annnnd now Sheree is here. The bitch is back, y’all!! At first she sort of flits around like she just drank forty Starbucks double shots. But the reality TV fucking goddess that Kenya is, is not gonna let that slide. She slams Sheree and her never-getting-finished house literally the second she sees her. She’s basically like, “Hi yes we met once a long time ago, I hear all your neighbors are fuckin pissed that you still haven’t finished that house you obviously can’t pay for.” That is an Anna Karenina-level READ if I have ever seen one.
Phaedra’s all, “Lord have mercy” while Cynthia’s all, “This is supposed to be about me!” It’s classic them. Now, Sheree’s voice may get high when she is upset, but that doesn’t make her the top dog here. Kenya is the one to beat this season, babe. I’m calling it right now. She is giving Sheree so much shade she isn’t gonna NEED any of that fancy ass eyewear they’re slangin’ tonight.
This is of course TO BE CONTINUED… because girls are only starting to be held back by other girls and earrings are still on. But if the rest of this season is literally just scenes of Kenya and Sheree and Sheree’s Ramona eyes, I’m going to blow through all my weed and need to up my night cream game so I don’t get horrible smile lines.
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