The Bachelor recap: “This Is Like, Some Redneck Sh*t”

IT RAINED IN LA TODAY. I know that’s not a big deal to some of you, but it’s all anybody here’s been talking about for the past twelve hours so I feel like I HAD to mention it.

Week two opens on cool guy Arie riding a cool guy motorcycle next to some super cool rocks. It makes little to no sense.

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Becca K. gets the first one on one, and Arie drives her around on this motorcycle. I personally think motorcycles are DANGEROUS and I would not get on one even if a shirtless Jason Momoa was driving it with a satchel full of fucking ice cream strapped to his back.

They somehow manage to make it safely to their destination, and nowwww we’re talking:

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Shellfish! Yes. Rachel Zoe is there (somewhere behind the shellfish, maybe), and has Becca try on a shit ton of clothes. Arie also gives her a pair of Louboutins and presents her with Neil Lane diamonds, and I’m here to tell you right now this bitch ain’t going home with those diamonds.

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Arie then attemps to grab onto her face while he kisses her (IT’S HIS MOVE), but Becca fights his hand off with great success.

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They have a lovely rest of their date, where he whisks her off to some random downtown loft and they make out some more, this time with more hand action:

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She seems happy about the hands, so what the fuck do I know.

Later, the rest of the girls try to be real cool about her walking in the front door with fresh Loubs and 40 garment bags from Rachel Zoe:

shocked girls becca date

And if they thought that was tough to swallow, Krystal is getting a one on one date too!

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But like an 8-year-old with a sudden stomachache, they don’t even know the shit stain that is coming. Arie is taking Krystal to his hometown of Scottsdale, Arizona so he can show her his life!! To kick off that epic desert journey, he presents her with what I would say is a B- charcuterie board.

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What it lacks in fine cheeses it makes up for in berries. But I’ll be honest, my dick isn’t getting hard for anything less than Raincoat Crisps at this point in my life. Buttery ass Ritz crackers and Monterey Jack just isn’t going to cut it.

Arie takes Krystal to his house, and we learn that he organizes his clothes by color like a psychopath.

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If you’re a girl, fine. But a dude? You’re a murderer.

They also watch home movies, where young Arie does a spot-on impression of my face when I watch him grab onto women’s faces while he kisses them:

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Krystal also meets his parents, and overall has a real snazzy ass time in AZ. Except when she has to tell him about growing up basically without parents and how her brother is homeless. But Arie is totally understanding, because he has “tons of friends who grew up in bad situations.”

Thankfully unknown artist Connor Deurmet is there to serenade them back into Romanceland.

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The next day, the group date is with Maquel, Tia, Valerie, Annaliese, Lauren G, Kendall, Rudolph, Sleepy and Doc. Wait, that’s not right. Anyway it’s with a ton of women, okay?

And what are they doing on their group date? Demolition derby!! Which sounds exciting and fun as shit, but Annaliese is upset.

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My immediate thought is that her father probably died in a massive 12-car pile up, but turns out she has some post traumatic stress surrounding a particular INCIDENT involving bumper cars and funhouse mirrors and shit. It sounds, like, not that serious.

She talks to Arie and seems better, until we check back with her 30 seconds later and she’s crying in a different part of the arena.

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So they are all smashing into each other, and I’ll be honest it looks really great. I’m not saying I would be good at this activity, but I do think I would enjoy myself.

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Stunningly gorgeous Sienne wins and has to celebrate by drinking milk, which honestly is my nightmare.

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I would rather be run over by a demolition car than drink milk in the fucking sun while my entire body is zipped into a heavy suit. I’m getting panicky even thinking about it.

That night, we learn that Brittany probably got a concussion and will not be joining them, and also that Sienne went to fucking YALE and studied in BRAZIL. Chelsea then tells Arie that she’s a mom, so they of course need to kiss. Do you think he grabbed her face with his hands?

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You fuckin’ bet he did.

By now, Bibiana is starting to unravel at a RAPID PACE.

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She’s not getting time with him, and I guess I don’t really understand the logistics of this shit, because can’t you just fucking line up and follow this fool around? Get your ass off that couch, girl! Anyway, Sienne gets the group date rose.

Finally we make it to the pre-rose ceremony cocktail hour, where Bibiana is hoping she’ll “get her time.” That is, until Krystal starts interrupting every girl who’s trying to talk to Arie. Basically errbody wants to murder Krystal, and Krystal’s workout endorphins are pumping so hard through her gorgeous biceps that she has no clue.

Meanwhile nobody seems to be noticing that Arie and Bekah M. are making out like maniacs in every dark corner of this place.

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Betch loves her furs! (Aren’t we not allowed to like fur anymore? K, just making sure.)

KRYSTAL then interrupts BIBIANA of all people, and shit is about to go down. Bibiana is filled with pure Miami rage.

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Bibiana lets her have it, really lays into Krystal, and Krystal is kind of like, oops?? It’s very tense.

At the rose ceremony, Arie says goodbye to Lauren G, Valerie, and Jenny. Jenny has all the feels about it.

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She leaves without hugging him or saying goodbye and I immediately start smiling. So great. He then of course has to chase after her and force her to hug him even though bitch doesn’t want to, okay?

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She literally won’t hug him and I love her for it. It’s okay, Jenny! Arie is a dork anyway! You’ll be alright.

Read last week’s recap here, or other ones here

Follow me on Instagram if you know what’s good for you. 😀

Next week looks like it’ll be more, welp, tears and rage.

And here’s a bonus tweet, which has me giggling like a god damn fool right now:

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